Chapter Three
Annistyn
EVERYONE AT THE clubhouse seems to be dancing around me.
While they’ve been giving me a wide berth if I happen to be in the common room or kitchen during the day, it’s been even worse over the last week.
Kreed and Cali have been doing everything they can to get me to eat more during the day.
Both of them even take their lunch breaks from work at the clubhouse now so I have a meal with them.
Rationally, I know I have to eat more. Doc talked to me and our conversation wasn’t good.
If I don’t start to eat, I’m only going to have worse problems than what I’ve had so far and will end up being admitted to the hospital.
I can’t afford to go there and it’s why I haven’t gone for the testing Doc has told me I need to have done to ensure I heal and can start to overcome the eating disorder.
It’s also why I haven’t met with the nutritionist Doc recommended for me.
Or the physical therapist. All things he says I need.
The only thing he hasn’t recommended to me so far is a counselor.
Though, I have a feeling it’s only a matter of time before that’s brought up.
Today, I’ve decided I need to get away from the compound.
Kreed told me I’m not being held prisoner here and I’m free to come and go as I please.
Cali was telling me a few days ago about a park not far from the clubhouse so I’ve decided to go check it out.
She told me it’s within walking distance.
No one here knows I don’t have a driver’s license.
My aunt and uncle never saw the point in me getting one.
Especially considering I had no one to teach me how to drive a vehicle other than the two of them.
My aunt doesn’t drive either. Every time she leaves the house, it’s with my uncle or because she’s been picked up by one of her friends.
According to my uncle, a woman has no business behind the wheel of a car for any reason.
Her job is to stay at home and be driven around by those in her life who should know how to drive.
He can’t stand her friends who drive or their husbands who allow them on the road without them.
After grabbing my camera and a bottle of water from Laurie on the way out the door of the clubhouse, I take a second to stop just outside the door and close my eyes while letting my head fall back so the sun shines down on my face.
It’s warm and not too hot out today with a gentle breeze blowing strands of my hair across my face to get stuck in my lashes.
Over the last several years, my hair has truly started to thin out and lacks the shine it used to have.
I got my thick hair from my mom. The only reason I remember that is because I have one small memory of my mom brushing my hair and commenting on how hers used to be the same way when her mom brushed out her hair as a little girl.
It’s straight as hell and used to never hold a curl no matter what I did.
I would try hairstyles in the barn when I had nothing else to do.
It was something that kept me warm on the cold winter nights and kept me cool in the summer when I managed to get it all off of my neck.
Taking a deep breath, I start to walk toward the gate of the compound.
It’s currently sitting open. The only time I know it’s closed is at night once everyone has gotten back from work.
One of the Prospects, I still don’t know what that even means, is sitting in the small booth just inside the gate.
He gives me a slight wave before turning his attention away from me again.
No one here makes eye contact except for Kreed and Cali.
Even Reckless doesn’t truly make eye contact with me and hold it the few times he’s talked to me.
He won’t be alone with me either. I appreciate the effort he’s making to ensure I feel safe in ways not many other people would.
With every step I take from the compound, a few feelings mix inside me.
The main one is fear. This is the first time I’m going anywhere on my own and no one knows where I’m heading.
I don’t have a cell phone to contact anyone either.
I was never allowed outside unless I was doing chores and I couldn’t ever leave the house for any reason.
My aunt told the school I was being homeschooled and forged records without teaching me anything.
Every piece of knowledge I have is because I taught myself.
Not that I’d know how to use one. I was never allowed access to the phone at my aunt’s and uncle’s.
They even took the cord for the house phone when they left me there alone.
I didn’t even know that was possible if I’m being honest. They had one of those old rotary phones where you had to put your finger on the number and spin it around.
I only know it was called that because I read about it in an old magazine my uncle had lying around.
The second emotion filling me is exhaustion.
Every step I take sucks the energy from my body as if I’m running in a race instead of leisurely walking along the side of the road.
Sweat covers my body in a thin layer and it only pulls more energy from me.
My heart is racing and I know it’s because I have no energy to be making this walk.
Every simple task I try to complete makes me feel the same way.
Part of why I get dizzy and feel as if I’m going to pass out on a daily basis.
I want to stop and take a break, but there’s nothing to hide me from anyone passing by and I have a feeling if I stop moving now, I won’t get started again.
I’ll end up here on the side of the road until someone comes along and tries to save me.
Some days it’s hard to get out of bed because I’m so exhausted and have absolutely no energy to do anything.
It feels as if it takes everything in me to lift my head from the pillow or arrange the blankets around my body.
My entire body hurts from even the smallest tasks I complete at the clubhouse and I find bruises on my body that have nothing to do with any kind of beatings or anything else that’s happened to me in the past. Not to mention the pain in my legs every single day.
They burn and it feels as though they weigh a million pounds each step I take.
Lastly, I feel free for the first time. There is no one policing my movements or keeping me locked away as a servant.
I don’t have to do chores for the club or anyone else and I’m not working until I can hardly breathe.
If I want to walk to the park, I can. When I want to stop what I’m doing and take pictures of something beautiful I see, I can.
There isn’t anyone to ask permission from or someone stopping me from doing whatever I want.
Today, the feeling truly hits home because I’m away from the compound and no one stopped me.
I was waved at and allowed to do what I want.
This feeling is almost overwhelming because I’ve experienced it so rarely during my life and I want to bottle it up and keep it stored for the days when I’m locked inside and can’t get out to enjoy the world around me in all of its beauty.
***
Somehow I managed to get to the park without having to stop.
My steps were slower than normal and the second I came upon a bench, I took a seat and relaxed for a while before doing anything else.
It gave me a chance to take in the scenery and just enjoy the beauty surrounding me.
The sounds of children’s laughter fills the air as I watch kids of all ages run from one part of the playground to the next.
Of listening as they squeal from the swing as they’re pushed that little bit higher.
I don’t remember ever going to a park like this with my parents.
I’m sure it happened, but I don’t have any memories of it happening.
My aunt and uncle surely wouldn’t ever take me to one.
The next thing I take in is all the flowers planted around the outer edge of the park.
There are also random flowers further away from where the children play.
Those are the ones I’m interested in. There truly is a simple beauty in the innocence of the playground filled with nature and children.
When I can finally breathe again and it doesn’t feel as if my heart is about to beat out of my chest, I stand from my seat in the shade and head around the park toward the flowers blooming away from the ones planted in colorful pots around the area.
Plus, I don’t want to interfere with the kids playing or make their parents feel uncomfortable as if I’m photographing them when I’m truly not.
I wouldn’t do that without permission from the adult for any reason.
Getting down on the ground, I lay on my stomach and line up a shot of a dark purple flower blooming all alone.
The center is yellow and it stands out against the short grass surrounding it.
It’s almost as if the grass was cut by a lawnmower and the flower somehow managed to survive the blades.
In a way I feel the same way. As if I survived all the trauma thrown my way when I could have succumbed years ago.
I could have let my aunt and uncle break me to the point I took my own life.
Yes, I did have the thought more than once over the years.