26. Nat
TWENTY-SIX
Nat
The mattress in this fire watch was so much better than I thought it would be. I languorously stretched out. I was warm and so comfortable and—
Wait a second.
My eyes blinked open. Jack was under me, and not in just the sweet my head is on his chest by mistake sort of way. But in the apparently I’ve become a koala bear, and this mountain man is now my tree sort of way.
And then I noticed Jack’s soft snore. Jack, who never slept, was dead to the world.
I didn’t move.
After what I could only guess was an hour later, Jack shifted under me, and his hand clutched the back of my head as he pulled me tighter against him and placed a chaste kiss on top of my head. “Natalie?”
His voice was rough with sleep as his fingers glided through my hair.
“Yeah?” I asked, not moving an inch.
“You’re sort of crushing my junk.”
I took stock of where my legs were and realized my knee was pressing directly into his abdomen. I tried not to laugh, removing it carefully and garnering a relieved sigh from him. “Sorry about that.”
“All good.” We lay there like that for a minute before he broke the silence. “Want some hot cocoa?”
I grinned and went through the Herculean effort of pulling myself off him.
A little while later, I sipped hot cocoa out of a chipped mug, a baby-blue wool blanket wrapped around my shoulders.
“We can’t ever do that again, can we?” I asked, looking out at the vast view.
Jack stepped up behind me and placed his chin on top of my head. “Probably not.”
I nodded, which was a feat with his heavy head on top of mine. He lifted off me and curved his neck so that we were looking into each other’s eyes.
“Do you regret it?” I asked, my voice just above a whisper. It was the last thing I wanted to hear, but I had to know.
He shook his head. “Not at all.”
“Good. Neither do I.” And I didn’t. I’d had an amazing time with him last night.
The date that wasn’t a date and everything that followed would leave an indelible imprint on my mind, and it was all because of him.
But this moment was just that: a moment.
Something fleeting that could never be replicated for fear of it messing everything up.
“We’re friends now, and I’m happy to be okay with you. ”
“I’ll take friendship over what we had before, hands down. I thought you’d never be able to forgive me.”
Had I forgiven him too easily? I took a sip of my cocoa as I pondered this. One of the mini marshmallows dissolved on my tongue as he smiled sadly.
I never wanted to see that sad smile again. “Stop beating yourself up about it, okay? You’ve more than made up for it.”
“If you’re sure. I keep feeling like I’m messing up with you. Even last night feels like a turning point. Did we go too far?”
“I’ll never think about it that way. I can move on if you can.” I swallowed, hoping that if I said the words, I could mean them. “If all else fails, we’ll just blame it on the stars.”
This conversation was worth being late for, but as much as we’d tried to postpone the inevitable, it was time to go back to Camp Starlight. The next cohort of campers would be arriving shortly after we returned.
We freshened up, cleaned up after ourselves, and headed back home.
Home. Starlight had felt more and more like that special place I could rely on. I imagined all the counselors felt that same sense of safety. There was this acceptance and love that I’d only felt when I was there. Of all the places I’d traveled, nothing had clicked for me as it did there.
As we took off, the truck made a growling noise, eager to take us back home. I noticed Bernice hanging out with us, swinging back and forth on Jack’s key ring as we traversed the bumpy road leading back to the highway.
“Did you bring that just to taunt me? You’re such an asshole,” I groused, but there was no anger or hatred, and I realized I didn’t miss that push-pull between us. It felt like a natural evolution.
I like being his friend.
Jack grinned at me, and I tried not to swoon at the way he looked in a backward baseball hat. “If you’re going to call me an asshole, Nat, you may as well add the word champion to the endearment. Don’t forget what really matters here. I won this shabby thing fair and square.”
I scoffed at his blatant disrespect. “Don’t knock Bernice. She’s a worthy prize, and you just got lucky.”
Jack’s fingers grazed the toy talisman. “How’d you get her anyway?”
“It was on my first solo hike. I’d always wanted to see Crater Lake and decided to hike the perimeter.
I got completely lost in the moment, but there was a flash of lime green that caught my attention.
I walked a couple of feet off the path toward it.
Out of nowhere, a branch crashed onto the ground in the exact place I would have been walking.
” A tremor went through me when I thought of the secluded miles I’d hiked, and pictured myself injured or worse.
But I kept that part to myself. Jack’s face was already twisted in concern, and I wanted to make him smile again.
“It taught me that straying from the path can be a good thing.”
“That’s beautiful, Nat.”
I shrugged, ready to lighten the mood. “She’s been my good luck charm ever since. In most things.”
“Most things? You mean, except when it comes to beating me?”
I chuckled. The nerve. “You’ll be eating your words soon enough.”
Jack shook his head. “Then what did you mean?”
“Well, Jack, if you knew any of my exes, you’d understand.”
“You act like you’re the only one with bad exes.” He grinned at me.
My eyebrows flew to my hairline. “Excuse you. I’ve cornered the market. Did you date someone who sold your socks online?”
Jack’s face scrunched up, and I smirked. In a game of comparing bad relationships, that anecdote usually won out.
“No, but that’s gross. I did have an ex who had her mom break up with me.”
I gasped. “She did not.”
“She was supposed to meet me at a coffee shop, and then in walks Rhonda.”
I burst into laughter. “I’m sorry,” I wheezed. “I can’t stop.”
“It’s okay. Rhonda was hot. Kind of wish I’d hooked up with her instead.”
I kept laughing until my sides hurt. When I’d regained my composure, I had another flop locked and loaded. “I once had a guy ask me to join his cult.”
Jack literally turned away from the road and stared me dead in my eyes.
“They worshipped goats, and he was their leader. After the goats, that is.” The dude and I only went on one date.
You’d think someone trying to indoctrinate you would play a little bit of the long game.
I laughed at the memory. I’d never actually laughed about my fucked-up dating history before. It was oddly cathartic.
Jack looked both entertained and dumbfounded. “Do you have any normal breakup stories?”
“Do you?”
Jack and I had gotten to know each other over our time living together, but I frequently found myself wanting to know him more, any crumb he would give me.
“Can’t say that I have, but I did have an ex who liked my best friend more than me, which made things a bit awkward when they hooked up.”
“Oof. That had to hurt.”
“It hurt enough for me to move to California for a couple of years.”
I looked down at my fingers, twisting them at the idea of anyone hurting him. He’d been cheated on twice?
“It worked out. I needed a change. Plus, that’s where my dad lives, so I spent some time with him. Although that didn’t go great either.”
I’d gathered that Jack and his dad had a tumultuous relationship that he probably didn’t want to rehash, so I decided to bring some levity to the situation. “Okay, that definitely sucks. But did your doorbell camera catch your best friend and ex kissing during your Halloween party?”
Jack grimaced. “Tell me that didn’t happen to you.”
“Oh, it did. And I have it on good authority that Captain America and Regina George should not be making out.”
Jack ran a hand over his brow, shaking his head in disbelief. “That’s so not fetch.”
“I also found out someone I thought I was dating was only hanging out with me for publicity.”
“Wait, what?”
I cringed. “Yeah. She thought dating would help our numbers go up by twenty-five thousand. She was aiming low, though. Dating me would get her at least fifty.” I leaned forward and rubbed the keychain between my fingers.
I didn’t want any disparaging remarks toward my favorite charm.
“Maybe Bernice has a bit to learn about love, but that doesn’t make her unlucky. ”
“Your exes really are the worst.”
I shrugged. “Yeah, well. There are two sides to every breakup. If I had a dollar for every time I heard I’m too much, I’d be able to pay for a therapy session.”
There was some reason people didn’t love me the way I wanted to be loved, and it had to be me.
It was hard to hear something was wrong with you and not take it to heart.
So I adjusted, because that was what you did, but sometimes those facets of my personality came out, and inevitably, my relationships went south.
Jack’s jaw tightened at my admission, his face pinched into a scowl, and his energy shifted as if he had the distinct desire to punch something.
Hard. I knew that feeling. It was the same one I used to get when I wondered if anything I’d had with any of my exes was really true, or if everyone just existed with ulterior motives I tended not to see until they were right in front of me.
We stopped at a light, and Jack met my eyes, which held a fire I’d seen before. Only this time, it was for me, not against me. I looked away, but his deep voice pulled me back.
“Let me be clear with you, Nat. You may pick the wrong people, but there’s nothing wrong with you.”