27. Autumn #2
I tossed it away and pushed him back against the bed, reaching over his shoulder to grab a condom from my nightstand drawer.
As I held myself up, he helped remove my underwear, sliding them down my legs until I shook them off my feet.
We worked together to take off his boxer briefs, but I almost went off course as his cock sprang free.
His powerfully hard erection had me salivating and licking my lips, and the effect wasn’t lost on him.
He lifted my chin and looked me dead in the eyes.
As if reading my mind, he said, “Not tonight.”
If not tonight, then when?
If I had forever, I’d give him all the attention he needed.
I wiped the thought from my mind and told myself to live in the present. Here, I was with him. Now, I had him to myself. Tonight, we’d make a new memory that would hopefully last. Even if that wasn’t what was best for me, it was what I longed for.
Jamie unwrapped the condom and rolled it down his shaft as I held myself up, immobile. He was right there, and I couldn’t make contact. Thankfully, he took over.
He pressed his fingers into my hips and lifted me so that we were lined up before lowering me slowly. I snapped to attention, spreading my thighs to better accommodate him. Jamie let out a low groan when we were flush against each other, and goosebumps dispersed across my skin.
All my senses were heightened. Every touch, every tingle he left in his wake. I loved the way he reached one arm around my back and held me tightly to him. I relished the way he groaned as I deepened our kiss.
It was surreal, a decade later, riding the man who had been all of my firsts.
Everything about him felt different and somehow still the same.
He kissed my shoulder, and I was transported back to us as teenagers, gentle but rushed, desperate and horny.
But now we weren’t breaking any rules. Now we had time, if only for one night. I wasn’t about to waste it.
In these moments, it was easy to forget all the facts and the baggage. How we were about to say goodbye. How this was probably the last time we’d ever be together. It started a fire in me. It caused me to go slower, to envelop him. To savor him.
Our bodies spoke their own language, the words leaving our mouths more timid than before.
Moans and whimpers but never promises. And I fought the urge to beg because I wanted those promises.
Jamie moved inside me, and I arched, dropping the thought along with one hand to clutch his chest and the other to his lips.
He welcomed two fingers into his mouth, sucking and licking them until I was satisfied enough to touch my clit and rub circles.
The feeling set me off like a spark. He looked like he was about to go off from that movement alone, but instead of exploding, he arched to drive into me deeper, holding me as if the only thing tethering me to this world was him.
I knew in that moment, in different circumstances, if given the chance, he’d never let me go.
That was enough for me to lose myself. He ground up as I rode out the wave of pleasure, unleashing a frisson within me. And when I was almost finished, he gave in himself, clinging to me as he looked deep into my eyes, begging me for something I couldn’t decipher.
I rested against him as I tried to catch my breath, and Jamie ran his hands through my hair, stroking it as though it was precious.
As though I was precious. It made me feel dizzy, like I couldn’t tell up from down.
And a part of me wondered if I’d been searching all this time for this.
This feeling of security. And all I could think was that the word falling was such a relevant word, it hurt.
Or maybe the word I was looking for was fell .
I snuggled against his chest without thinking and prepared myself for the inevitable pulling away that would occur once he realized this wasn’t casual hookup behavior. But I wasn’t ready for the moment to end. Sex that amazing felt more like a welcoming or a necessity than a goodbye.
Jamie kept a loose arm around me, palm holding firm against the small of my back as we caught our breath and relaxed into each other.
“That felt…”
“Incredible,” he finished, joyful eyes searching mine.
“Different.” I let the smile touch the corners of my lips as I pressed a kiss into his throat.
“Different?” He tilted his chin down, but I kept my lips on his neck, not meeting the gaze I could feel. “Different good, though, right?” His unflinching confidence seemed at odds with his sudden need for reassurance.
“Incredible,” I agreed. “I’ve never had sex like that before.”
Love-infused, intense, and so passionate. Most of my past hookups had been satisfying, but only on a physical level. Sex with Jamie was mind, body, and soul-shattering. Nothing would compete.
“Mm-hmm, damn right.”
Giggling softly, I let my fingers trail up and down his ribs. I knew I’d be exhausted. Tomorrow was going to be one of the busiest days of the year, but stealing a few more minutes in his arms would be worth the extra caffeine I’d consume to make up for it.
“So, what are we going to do now?” he asked.
“Never have sex this good again with anybody else, that’s for sure.” The words fell out of my mouth without thinking.
Jamie tightened his hold on me. I let myself savor the warmth, his spicy scent, and all the safety he wrapped me in.
Was this feeling what Sawyer meant when they talked about being completely present?
No thoughts of the past or the future? It felt too good, being in the here and now with Jamie Davis.
“We could do this, you know,” he started.
This time, I did look up at him. “Again? We just—”
“No, although, very, very, tempting.” He punctuated each “very” with a kiss to my forehead and then my nose, making me smile. “But I mean this , you and me.”
I paused and took a breath. “We could what ?”
“Seattle isn’t that far, I could visit.” It was a tempting thought, one I’d almost entertained a few times, but it wouldn’t be enough.
“We can’t.” I sighed, feeling a burning in my throat. How he was even suggesting this, I didn’t know. “You’ll be busy with your new role, and I’ll be here, wondering when you’ll have had enough.”
There it was. The thing I felt hidden in my heart. I couldn’t be the person he used up and discarded. No matter his intentions, that was where this was going. It was practically a guarantee.
A seriousness passed over his face. “I can’t get enough of you, Autumn. I don’t think I ever will.”
That nearly broke me. Jamie voiced the same thing I’d been wondering the past several days. Could I get enough of him? I hadn’t thought so back when we were teenagers, and it was even more obvious now. But I was an adult who had to make adult decisions for my well-being. And, apparently, his.
Thoughts of visiting him for a week in the coming months popped into my head, but it would only make things worse.
“This needs to be a clean break, Jamie. It’ll be too hard otherwise.”
And this was a terrible time to be having this conversation. I had a lot to deal with. There was cleanup. Preparations for our winter retreat season. We were expanding. I could distract myself. I could get over this.
Except that I was falling in love with him again.
Not puppy love, not superficial love. Change-your-life love.
Rip-your-heart-out-love. But I couldn’t do that.
This was my family. This was my home. I wanted to choose him, but if I did, I’d only have him, and I’d sink into the depression I’d been in before I’d found my life’s purpose.
That was what this was. I belonged here.
I needed to think. But I didn’t have time to think. We never had enough time. And wasn’t that always our problem?
Jamie nodded in understanding, and I could practically hear his thoughts bouncing around in his head. Then he said something I never expected. “What if I turned down the promotion? What if I didn’t stay in Seattle?”
What if he didn’t stay in Seattle?
He couldn’t mean that. He’d be giving up everything he’d worked for his entire adult life.
I couldn’t let him give his dream up. A memory of the first time we broke up crossed my mind.
Perfectly juxtaposed with how I felt in his arms currently.
He’d told me that back when we were kids, he’d ended our relationship for me.
He’d seen a future where I’d change my plans for him.
Where I’d mold my goals around his. Now, he was here offering to do the same for me.
I’d disagreed with his methods and reasoning back then, but in this moment, I saw it through another lens.
For the first time, I completely understood his motivations.
He’d wanted what was best for me back then.
He’d seen more potential in me than I had seen in myself. And now I wanted that for him.
“You were meant for big things.”
“That doesn’t make this a small thing,” he declared as if he was willing to fight over this, but I wasn’t going to argue with him. It was true. He would make an amazing boyfriend, but I couldn’t let him trade in his future and his dreams for mine.
“We said for the week. And it’s been a wonderful week. Let’s just leave it at that.”
The silence was deafening.
He looked like he had so much more he wanted to say, yet he just held me.
What if I left? I let myself consider it for a half second before knowing deep in my bones I couldn’t leave Camp Starlight.
This place meant so much more to me than any job ever could.
And this was my family. I loved him, but I was doing what he’d wanted me to do all those years ago. I was forging my own path.
I was choosing me. Even if it meant breaking my own heart.