Chapter 40
FORTY
After having a beer with some of the guys on the team at The Hideout, I head back to the apartment. My latest care package from Nathan and Chloe is waiting for me and I open it (definitely Chloe put this one together—it’s covered in gold tissue paper) and call my brother.
“Thank Chloe for the package.” I lie down on my bed and stare up at the ceiling.
“You can thank her yourself in three weeks. We’re flying up to watch you play the weekend before Christmas.”
“For real?” I ask and sit up.
“Yeah, Mom too. She didn’t tell you?”
“Uh…”
“You haven’t talked to her, have you?”
“She’s my next call.” I pull the phone away from my ear and look at the time. “Or tomorrow, maybe, it’s kind of late there.”
“She’ll be up. You know what a night owl she is. Call her.”
“I will, I will,” I say begrudgingly.
“I get it,” he says. “Trust me, I do. I did the same thing. I got to Valley and tried to live like the past hadn’t happened. I barely talked to you or Mom my first two years of college.”
“I know, I remember.” I’d been sad at first and then pissed. Dad died, then Nathan left, Mom got worse, and before I knew it, everything had changed except me.
“She’s trying. I know it doesn’t magically make up for everything, but you can’t be pissed at her forever if you really want to move on.”
“I’m not pissed,” I say and then backtrack. “Okay, maybe a little pissed.”
“If it helps, the more I talk to her now, the easier it gets and the less I find myself thinking about the past.”
“Yeah, all right.”
“Well, I’ve gotta get to bed. We’re flying to New York early tomorrow, but I’m really excited to see you in a few weeks. Also, Chloe started Christmas shopping two months ago, so be prepared—her level of excitement is intense.”
“Can’t wait,” I say honestly. It’s been a long time since we’ve had a holiday together or really any time together.
After we hang up, I call Mom, but she doesn’t answer, so I shoot her a text and then change into sweats.
She returns my call as I fall back on my bed. “Hey, sorry I missed your call, my hands were covered in cookie dough. I’m doing some late-night baking.”
“No problem. I’m about to head to bed.”
“Have you talked to Nathan? Did he tell you we’re coming to Valley?” Her voice is upbeat, and I realize she’s excited, which makes me more excited.
“Yeah, I just got off the phone with him. I can’t believe you guys are all coming.”
“Visiting you at college and then your brother and Chloe coming home for Thanksgiving reminded me how much I miss my boys. I was so focused on myself and getting healthy that I’ve let us all go too long without getting together.”
“You’re doing great, Mom.” She really is and it only takes her voicing her own regrets to make me feel like a giant douche for holding the past against her.
I haven’t magically forgiven her, and I don’t know how long it’ll be until I do, but I know Nathan is right—I’ve gotta meet her where she is now if I want any type of relationship with her.
The thing is I don’t avoid calling her because I don’t want her in my life. I’m just having a hard time figuring out what that looks like now while I try to let go of years of hurt I didn’t even realize I was harboring until she was well enough for me to take a breath.
“I am,” she says confidently. “And so are you. I’m so proud of you.”
I clear my throat. “Thanks, Mom.”
“Three weeks! I can’t wait. I’m making a test batch of oatmeal raisin cookies now.”
My stomach growls. “Those are my favorite.”
“I know. I haven’t made them in years.”
The more we make plans, the more excited I am, but also cautious. “I’m excited too, but if it doesn’t work out, then we’ll still all be together next summer. Assuming they go through with the wedding.”
“Of course, they’ll go through with it. Your brother is head over heels for Chloe.”
“Yeah, it’s not her I’m worried about screwing it up,” I joke. Honestly, I know my brother would gnaw off a limb before doing anything to sabotage his relationship with Chloe. And she’s awesome, so I get it. I’m happy for them.
“Oh, hush. Your brother is doing great. I’m proud of both my boys. I’m really glad you called. The house is still lonely without you. Especially at night.”
I yawn and she laughs in my ear. “Get some sleep, honey. I’ll call you this week.”
“Okay, sounds great, Mom.”
“I love you.”
I try not to react to the word, but my muscles tighten, waiting for the thing that comes next…
which used to be disappointment. It doesn’t come, but it’s too many years of hurt built up.
I don’t know if there’ll ever be a day it doesn’t fill me with a sense of dread coming from her lips.
Or a day I’ll be able to say it to her or Ginny or anyone else. “Thanks, Mom.”
Sunday I’m practically glued to my phone waiting to hear from Ginny. I texted her as soon as I woke up, but by mid-afternoon, I’m starting to worry she’s blowing me off.
“Give me your phone,” Maverick prompts and holds out his hand.
“No way.”
“Payne, give me the fucking phone before you do something stupid.”
“Why can’t I text her again?”
“Because it’s pathetic,” Rauthruss says.
“That’s really something coming from you. You’re on your phone constantly with Carrie.”
“Yeah, but she wants to talk to me.”
Ouch, but okay, point made. I place my phone in Mav’s palm and not two seconds later, her name flashes on the screen. I swipe it back with a giant smile on my face.
“And?” Mav asks.
“She’s been at the theater all day. Apparently they asked her to do the makeup for Reagan and a few other girls at the show today.”
“Oh, right.” Adam’s in the kitchen making food. “Yeah, I think I heard them talking about that last night. Reagan looked as hot as she always does, but I guess it was too subtle for the stage or the lights or, fuck, I don’t know.”
“You’re just telling me this now?”
“I didn’t think of it until now.”
I take my phone into my bedroom and dial Ginny.
“Hey,” she answers, sounding out of breath. “I’m just now heading back to my dorm. Sorry about that. I didn’t realize that I’d need to stay through the whole performance.”
“Stage makeup, huh?”
“Yeah, they even offered me a job for future performances.”
“That’s great, Ginny. Congratulations.”
“Thank you. So, today was kind of a bust. I need to shower and then head to the library. I have a group meeting for one of my classes. I’m not sure when it’ll be done. Can we talk tomorrow?”
Tomorrow. Shit, that sounds so far away. “Breakfast?”
“Yeah, I’ll meet you at our usual time.”
“So,” Mav starts as we’re walking into the dining hall. “Which one did you decide to go with?”
“What are you talking about?” I scan the room for Ginny.
“Which big gesture is next? Rent out a theater? Dinner?”
“I decided to go with something that’s more… me.”
“You?”
I slap Mav on the back. “Yeah, but it’s not because I didn’t enjoy your suggestions. You save those for when you find the perfect girl and screw it up.”
“Good luck, buddy.” He gets in line for food.
I don’t see Ginny yet, so I head to the back where I find Brenda. She smiles when she spots me.
“How’s my favorite lunch lady?”
She snorts. Brenda is the no-nonsense lady who manages the dining hall.
I won her over last year. It started with a lot of flattery.
Much deserved flattery. She works hard to keep us fed and I appreciate that more than most people.
Then I got to know her a little and found out she’s a huge hockey fan.
“Sam and the kids good?”
She softens at the mention of her husband and children. “Matty is graduating high school this year, and Sophia is all about boys, God help us all.”
She hands me a tray and quirks a brow. “Coach Meyers approve of this?”
“What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” I wink. “Thanks, Brenda. I owe you.”
“Mhmm. How about paying me back with another win next weekend?” she calls as I walk off.
My steps are light as I head to my usual table. Ginny waits, looking around for me. When she spots me, a shy smile tips up the corners of her lips. Aaand, I’m suddenly really nervous.
“Hey,” she says tentatively. She looks as anxious as I feel.
I’d planned to say a lot of things, but fuck words. I drop the tray on the table, frame her face with both hands, and bring my lips to hers. She lets out a yelp of surprise, but then her body melts and she kisses me back. I’ve missed her so much. Not just this. Her.
I don’t want to stop kissing her, but the sound of people bustling around us going about their usual morning routines makes me pull back. That and I know there are things she needs to hear.
“I missed you so damn much, baby doll.”
“Same.”
“And I’m really sorry.”
“I know you are.”
I sit and guide her to take the seat beside me. “I want to explain, but I’m sure I’m going to say it all wrong.” I blow out a breath. The way she watches me, willing to hear me out even when I know I’ve hurt her, pushes me forward.
“The other night was six years of frustration coming out at once, but it shouldn’t have been you I was saying all that to.
For a big part of my childhood, my mom used the words like a Band-Aid.
Every time I took care of something for her—paid the bills or made dinner—the repayment I got was with a string of ‘I love yous.’ It changed how I felt about it.
Her love felt like an excuse to not show up any other way.
” I squeeze my eyes shut. “Trust me, I know that’s fucked up.
I know she was grieving; I know she was depressed, but it didn’t change the fact that all I wanted was for my mom to act like everyone else’s.
I didn’t want I love you. I wanted her to take care of me. ”
“Oh, Heath, I’m sorry.” She squeezes my hand. “I won’t pretend to understand what that must have been like. I’m certain that she loved you the best she could. That’s all anyone does. It isn’t perfect.”
“I know. Knowing it and accepting it aren’t the same.
” My heart’s beating like a drum in my chest. “The thought of my feelings for you being tainted by the past… I hate it. I don’t want anything bad to ever touch you.
You are my favorite person. You’re the only person I’d skip food for or that could convince me to eat Neapolitan ice cream or…
a thousand other things. You. It’s only you.
And when I walked in here, I fully intended to stand firm on my stance of never speaking the words, of keeping the best thing in my life away from my worst memories, but then I saw you and I realized that it doesn’t matter what it’s meant before.
If loving you is wanting to spend every day with you, laughing and having fun, supporting you, and having your back, then I do. I love you, Ginny. Of course, I do.”
“Really?”
“Really, really. I love you. I love you. I freaking love you.”
She smiles and closes her eyes like she’s trying to savor the moment. When her brown eyes meet mine again, it’s such a punch to the gut I wonder how it took me so long to realize it.
“We don’t need to use the word. Not if it bothers you. I just want to know that you’re as crazy about me as I am you. That we’re in this together.”
“Did I mention I’d skip food for you?” Her lips part into a happy grin and my chest tightens. “One last thing.”
I hop up onto the table and clear my throat. “Genevieve Scott, will you be my girlfriend?”
People are staring and snickering. Ginny’s cheeks go red with embarrassment, but she nods. “Of course I will. I’d skip food for you too.”
I jump down and kiss her again, then pull back so my forehead rests against hers.
“I had no idea it was ever unclear that you were my girlfriend. I’ve always thought of you as my girl.
I’m sorry that I left any room for doubt, but I won’t make that mistake again.
I’ll stand on this table and ask every day if you want me to. ”
“I’ll consider that. Could be entertaining.” She laces her fingers with mine. “Speaking of food though, is that for me?” She tips her head to the bowl of ice cream.
I push the tray toward her, a huge bowl of Neapolitan ice cream topped with gummy bears.
“That is a lot of gummy bears. How did you get ice cream at this hour?”
“I know people.”
Her gorgeous smile will be the death of me. She picks up the spoon and brings a big bite to my lips. I take it and then kiss her again.
Maverick appears at the table. “Awww, look at you two, all smiles.” He drops his tray and then drapes an arm around each of our shoulders.
“Bring it in, you two crazy kids. I’m so dang happy I could cry.
Way to go big, buddy.” He nudges me with an elbow and then squeezes Ginny into his massive frame. “I love you two.”
And I know he does. Whatever it means to him, he means it with his whole heart. It’s freeing to know I get to make it mean whatever I want to, too.
“Love you too, Mav,” I tell him.
He gives me a toothy grin. “Damn straight.”