Chapter 4
FOUR
I spent two days letting the humiliation settle like sludge in my gut.
I knew I needed to talk to Chris—and get back the box of books he’d borrowed—but I kept putting it off.
The thought of seeing him again made my stomach roil, but I knew it was inevitable.
Clark Fork University was a relatively small campus, and while I didn’t know everyone, it was hard to avoid people.
Finally, my roommate, Sydney, took matters into her own hands.
She set a cup of coffee on my bedside table.
The scent of hazelnut—my favorite—roused me from under my covers.
“Time to get that fine dancer’s butt out of bed, Ava.
You’re going to look like a swamp witch if you stay in this bed any longer, and frankly, you’re starting to stink up the place. ”
“It’s only been two days since I showered.”
“Yes, but the eau de depressed-over-a-small-dicked-boy is stinking up the joint.”
I sat up in bed and grabbed the coffee, taking a sip and closing my eyes as the creamy blend of steamed milk, hazelnut syrup, and espresso rejuvenated my soul. Sometimes I wished my hazelnut lattes were a hot guy. He would literally be the perfect man.
“How did you know he had a small dick?”
She let out a laugh. “Does he really?”
I shrugged. “I mean, it’s not like lipstick container small, but it’s not that big either.”
She shook her head and pursed her lips. “And I’ll bet that limp-dicked bastard didn’t even know how to use what little he had well, did he? Please tell me he at least loved eating you out to make up for it.”
I sighed. “Unfortunately, that’s a negative.”
He’d said he didn’t like the taste and I had never felt so embarrassed.
I’d debated asking Sydney if that was normal—if most guys didn’t enjoy the taste—but the thought of even bringing it up made me want to crawl out of my skin.
Instead, I carried that quiet shame and hoped our sex life would improve.
In a way, I suppose it was improved now that I could go find someone else to have sex with.
“Come on, out of bed. Don’t let that man take any more of your time.”
“I have to get some things from his place before I can officially pretend he never existed.”
“Want me to go with you?” she offered.
“No, I need to do this myself, but thank you.” She offered me a supportive smile and then moved back to her side of our dorm room and pulled out her laptop.
I took a shower and then changed into my favorite pair of jeans and a black cropped sweater.
After applying just enough eyeliner to look fierce instead of teary, I took a deep, fortifying breath to settle the last of my nerves.
I wasn’t going to let some mediocre guy make me feel small.
Chris lived off campus in an apartment complex that always smelled vaguely of pizza grease and was mostly rented by college students. I knocked on his door and was secretly a little thrilled when he opened it and his eyes immediately widened.
“Ava, I wasn’t expecting you.”
“You have some of my things. I want them back.” My voice remained steady and my confidence blossomed. I could do this. Was I still hurt by his actions? Yes. But the longer I stood here, the stronger I felt.
“Uh, sure.”
He stepped back from the door and let me pass him, and I headed straight to his room where I knew my stuff would be. I didn’t want to be here any longer than necessary.
I grabbed the books he’d borrowed from next to his bed while he leaned against the doorframe, watching me.
“I am sorry,” he said quietly.
I faced him. “Why’d you do it? Why not just break up with me first? Why’d you cheat? Was it going on the whole time?”
The questions came out like word vomit.
He stepped forward, but halted before he got too close. “It wasn’t going on the whole time. Just in the last few weeks. I was planning to break up with you, but you’re always busy.”
I wasn’t that busy. We’d had a movie night only a few nights before I found him in the library, so his answer felt wholly inadequate.
“I call bullshit. You could’ve talked to me. Hell, breaking up with me via text would’ve been more respectful than what you did.”
He held up his hands to stop me. “Look, Ava. I really don’t want to get into this, okay?”
I gaped at him. “You don’t want to get into this? You don’t think I deserve some answers? You cheated on me!”
His nostrils flared and his jaw clenched. I knew that look. He was pissed. “Fine, you want to know the truth? You’re shitty in bed and I had needs.”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. You’re hot, but you’re a shitty lay. For a dancer, I would think you would be way hotter in the sheets, but our sex life was so boring.”
Was he fucking serious?
This was coming from the guy who insisted on missionary because it was “romantic” and didn’t want to snuggle because he’d just get turned on and want to fuck?
“You are such a fucking asshole, and I am so glad we’re over.”
I grabbed my books and left his apartment without looking back.
I was still seething by the time I got home. I dropped my box of books on my bed and then paced. Sydney wasn’t home and I was desperate for someone to vent to, but more than that, I wanted to prove that dickless wonder wrong.
He thought I was boring in bed?
I’d prove him wrong—not for him, but for myself.
I stormed over to my desk, grabbed a cute notebook I’d bought but hadn’t used for anything yet, and opened it up. Grabbing a pen, I wrote Spicy Bucket List on the top.
I thought about all the things I’d wanted or thought about in past relationships that I’d never gotten to experience and started writing.
1. Come from oral sex (receiving)
2. Make a man come from a BJ (swallow it)
3. Role-playing
4. Having to be quiet so I don’t get caught
5. Sexy dance for a partner (striptease)
6. Bondage/sensory deprivation
7. Go skinny-dipping in a natural body of water at night.
8. Sexting
9. Play sexy truth or dare.
10. Have a “yes day” where you both agree to any consensual and escalating naughty requests.
11. Kiss outside in the rain.
12. Masturbate in front of each other.
I stared at my list and smiled. Fuck Chris. After I completed this list, boring was the last thing I’d be.
Now I just needed to find someone who I could actually trust enough to be this adventurous with.
Preferably someone who actually knew what to do with his dick.