Chapter 9
NINE
I was going to wear a hole in the carpet if I kept pacing this way, but I couldn’t stop moving.
Nervous energy thrummed through me as I waited for Liam’s knock.
He’d wanted to talk more about the plan for my list at our next class, but I insisted it needed to be somewhere where we could not be overheard.
And since Sydney was gone for the night, I figured talking about it at my place was the best call.
There was no way in hell I would have this conversation at the hockey house where my brother could overhear.
If Drew got even the slightest hint of what we were about to do, he would lose his shit.
He’d be like that angry character from the animated movie Inside Out where fire comes out of his head.
A smile lifted my lips as I bit back a giggle at the visual.
Then three knocks at the door had my smile sliding right off my face and my nerves flaring up again. I opened the door before he’d even put his hand down. Liam’s eyebrows shot up, and he stared at me before a slow grin lifted his lips.
“Nervous?” he asked with a tone that implied he already knew the answer.
And God, I hated that he could read me like a book.
It had always been this way, even when we were kids.
He’s always been able to tell what emotions I was feeling, even if I didn’t have words for them.
It was another reminder of how ingrained in my life he was, and how this decision—this potentially stupid, disastrous decision we were about to make—affected more than just us.
“I think this is probably a terrible idea.”
He was already shaking his head. “It’s not.”
“How can you be so sure?”
He cupped my cheeks and tilted my head until our gazes met. God, I could get lost in his green eyes.
“I’m gonna ask you again. Do you trust me?” he asked.
“Yes.”
I trusted him implicitly, even if it kind of scared the shit out of me.
“Okay, that’s the most important thing. So let’s talk about this.”
I nibbled my lip, grabbed his hand, and then pulled him to my side of the room. He sat down in the same chair that had changed my fate to begin with. The list was still in the notebook on my desk.
I didn’t sit. I couldn’t. I had too many nerves going crazy in my body to sit still right now.
“I just…okay. So. Hypothetically, if we do this, what exactly would it look like because this only works if we’re very clear. Like, crystal clear. Because ambiguity is what causes confusion and sets people up for feelings to get involved, and that’s not what we’re doing here.”
I stopped in front of my dresser, gesturing between us, then immediately started pacing again.
“We need rules. Boundaries. I need to know what happens if I panic. Or freeze. Or laugh. I laugh when I’m nervous, which is not”—I waved a hand—”sexy.”
I shot him a look. He was still calm. Annoyingly calm and if I wasn’t mistaken it looked like he was biting back a laugh, but his eyes gave him away. They shone with a mix of intrigue and maybe even a little heat, but I couldn’t keep looking at him while my brain was spiraling.
“And what if this changes things? Because you’re very good at compartmentalizing.
You’ve had plenty of practice.” The words came out sharper than I meant, so I rushed on.
“Which isn’t a judgment. It’s just a fact.
But I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t know if I can just…
put you back where you belong afterward. I’ve never had unattached sex.”
I crossed the room, then doubled back, hugging my arms to my chest. His silence was concerning, and I glanced over at him just as he reached for my notebook.
“What are you doing?” I asked, panic hitting me square in the chest, which was stupid because he’d already seen the damn thing.
“Just refreshing my memory,” he said.
I stomped over and slammed the cover closed. “Well, don’t. We have to talk about this.”
“Ava, what’s there to talk about? You want to have sex and try these things. And I’m really good at sex and could do all of these things no problem.”
“Are you not concerned about what will happen if Drew finds out?”
“Why should he find out?”
His eyes once again gave him away as he dropped them to the carpet. He was nervous. So he was just pretending to be strong for me?
“Why are you so eager to do this with me?”
That was the question that had been rolling around in my mind. We were friends, but not close friends. He was my brother’s friend and had always been very consistently in that box. So why would he do this for me?
“I told you; I know you. You need someone you can trust who won’t take advantage of you and won’t hurt you. You really think you could do bondage with someone you don’t trust or know that well? You know I would never put you in a situation that would cause you harm.”
It was true. I did know that.
“So you’re trying to tell me you’re just doing this out of the goodness of your heart?”
Now, that I found doubtful.
He leaned back casually like he’d sat in my room at my desk a hundred times before and this was just another night even though this was only the third time he’d been in my room. The first was when he helped me move in. The second was when he carried me home.
“I trust you to not get attached. I can’t be anything more than a friend helping you check off this list. But I don’t want you to do it with anyone else.
I saw what Chris put you through. I saw how hurt you were.
You deserve better than that. You deserve to be treated like a fucking queen.
You deserve to know that you are the most beautiful woman in any room you walk in.
You deserve to feel pleasure that makes your toes curl. ”
He pointed to his chest. “I can give you that.”
It was suddenly hard to breathe. How could he say all of that and think emotions wouldn’t get involved? You didn’t say those things to a fuck buddy.
“I’m scared I can’t keep my feelings out of it,” I admitted to him, knowing full well this might be the nail in my coffin and it could be years before I ever found another guy who’d check off this list with me. But I did trust him and I wasn’t going to lie to him.
“I’ve never done anything like this. I’m a relationship girl, Liam. I always have been. And truthfully, I’m scared of what damage this might cause to us because I do trust you and you’ve been in my life for a long time. I don’t want to ruin anything.
“But I also have to admit that you’ve planted this seed in my head and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Because you’re right. I do need someone I trust. And I do want to be the kind of person that goes after what she wants.
And I want to check off this list. I don’t ever want a man to think I’m boring in bed again.
Which is why, despite my reservations and the worry I have, I want to do this with you. ”
He looked almost relieved. But then his face went neutral again.
I grabbed the notebook off my desk and started pacing again.
“So if we’re going to do this, I need us to set up rules and boundaries so that there’s no chance of either of us getting hurt, but me especially since I’ve never done anything like this before.
I think the first rule should be that we communicate with each other, and at any time we can say we’re done.
Second, if it gets too complicated, we stop.
Another one should probably be no sleepovers.
We just spend time together to check off the list and that’s it.
Nothing extra. I’m sure I’m forgetting something.
” I ran my hand through my hair and glanced over at Liam only to find him grinning at me like he found me adorable.
The look in his eyes made my stomach swoop, but I chose to ignore it. “What?” I asked.
“Give me your list.”
“I—”
He cut me off. “Don’t make me ask again, Aves.”
I swallowed thickly. And then reluctantly handed him the notebook.