31. Jordan
JORDAN
We get back to Valley late Wednesday night, and Coach gives us Thursday off practice to rest.
Rest, get blackout drunk, tomato tomahto.
Power hour is followed by a trip to the bar, and then we head to McCallum’s apartment. I haven’t found the point of drunkenness that makes me forget about Daisy and the gaping hole where my heart is supposed to be, but I have found the point that makes it a dull, blurry ache.
I’m not really in the mood for cards or video games or even talking, so I head outside to the back deck. Someone brought the speaker out here, and girls are dancing in a big group.
“Yo,” Dallas says as I fall into the chair next to him. He eyes the bottle of Fireball in my hand. “Can I get a shot of that?”
“This one is all mine,” I say, and lift it to my lips. The cinnamon whiskey slides down my throat. It’s the same bottle Daisy and I shared, and I’m going to drink every drop myself unless it’s her asking to have a drink.
I let my head fall back, and I stare up into the clear night sky. The stars are visible, the moon shining bright. Is she in her tree house looking up right now too? Maybe plotting my death or wishing on a shooting star she’d never met me.
Long hair falls into my face, and for a couple of glorious seconds, I think it’s her.
“Thatcher!” Cybil’s voice rings out, and then she tucks her hair behind her ears, so her face is visible. I sit up, and she comes around in front of me.
“Hey, handsome. Wanna dance?” She tugs at my hand.
“No thanks.”
“Come on.” She pouts.
“Busy drinking,” I say, and then bring the bottle up to take another drink. The last drops trickle onto my tongue, and it feels like the end of so much more than a fucking bottle of whiskey.
“Looks like you aren’t busy anymore.”
I let her pull me to my feet, but I hold on to my bottle. I sway, and the world spins.
“Nope,” I say before dropping back into the chair.
“Fine. You sit, and I’ll dance.”
I don’t understand at first, but then she takes a step closer until she’s standing between my legs. She moves slowly to the beat. Cybil’s gorgeous and fun, but she isn’t Daisy.
I’m about to move when Liam walks up next to her and steps between us.
“What the hell?” he grits out.
“It wasn’t what it looks like,” I start, but my tongue feels funny, and the words come out jumbled.
“Sorry, Cybil,” he says. “I need to get him home.”
“I’m not ready to go home yet.” I pull my arm away when he grips my elbow. “Grab me a beer, will you?”
“I got it,” Cybil offers.
“No.” Liam’s tone is hard as he snaps at her, and I can see the regret immediately as she looks at him in shock. His voice softens. “Can you give us a minute?”
She nods and turns toward the door.
“I’ve never heard you be such an ass before,” I note when she’s gone.
“Yeah, well, I’ve never wanted to kick someone’s ass as much as I do right now.”
“Cybil? She’s harmless.”
“I’m talking about you. What the fuck are you doing here, wasted off your ass?”
“I think you just answered your own question.” I hold up the bottle then remember it’s empty. “Why are you here anyway? Weren’t you going out with…” I wave my hand in the air. I still haven’t met or even learned the name of the guy he’s dating.
“I had a bad feeling when you bailed on your classes today, and you haven’t answered any of my texts.”
“Sucks to be ignored, doesn’t it?” I’ve sent Daisy like twenty texts, and every single one has gone unanswered. I even dropped by her house earlier this week, hoping she’d let me in so we could talk in person. No answer there either. She’s made it clear that she wants nothing to do with me.
“Up.” Something in his tone gets me to my feet. He wraps an arm around me like he’s going to carry me out.
“I can walk,” I insist. I don’t bother fighting him on leaving. I’m tired anyway.
He motions for me to go ahead of him, and I lead us through the party and out the front door.
“What time is it?” I ask as he opens the passenger side door for me. The parking lot is dark and quiet.
“You have about four hours until our morning workout.”
Damn. Where did the day go? I groan as I heave myself up into the truck.
He shuts me in and jogs around the front. I close my eyes on the short drive back to campus. A week of shitty sleep and an entire day of drinking has caught up with me.
Liam wakes me when we’re back at the dorm. My head swims with the alcohol and fragmented memories of Daisy. Her smile, her laugh, the blush she gets high on her cheeks when she’s embarrassed or turned on. Fuck, I miss her.
I stumble into my buddy as we walk through the front door of the dorm. “This is all your fault.”
Liam grunts and steadies me. “How do you figure?”
I let my full weight lean against him, and he shuffles us up the stairs.
“She wanted you. You two make sense. Me and her…” I shake my head side to side. “I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. Daisy is so… well, you know. And I’m, well…”
“Drunk?”
“Yeah, that too.” Damn, am I tired.
He lets me ramble more nonsense as he helps me into our room. He grabs a water and thrusts it at me. “Drink this.”
“You’re fucking bossy tonight.”
“I’m tired, and we have a quiz in the morning.”
“Fuck that. I’m not going.”
He growls and musses his perfect hair. “You know what was really great about you the past couple of months?”
My brain works slowly. I can think of a lot of really great things from the past two months, but none of them are me.
“You actually applied yourself.”
“I was keeping her from you.” Saying the words out loud are like a punch to the gut.
“No.” A muscle in his jaw ticks. “Maybe that’s how it started, but you were different.”
I don’t know anymore. Not even sure it matters since either way, she’s not here.
He keeps going. “She made you want to be better. You’ve been skirting by, drinking too much, barely studying.”
“We’re not all dean’s list material.”
“Fuck that. You’re smarter than me. Always have been, but after Mark died, you stopped giving a shit about everything but partying and hockey.”
I narrow my gaze at him in warning. “No, I just let go of the bullshit, like perfect grades. As long as I keep my GPA high enough to play hockey, that’s all that matters. And I always do, Captain.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. Nothing matters because if it did, you might have to risk caring about something else and it not working out. Failing, losing people—it sucks.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Fine, but what I do know is that since you started hanging out with Daisy, you quit the constant partying, you went to class, and you found other things to fill your time without being wasted or on the ice. And you were fucking happy.”
Ignoring him, I uncap the water and chug all of it.
The asshole won’t let it alone. “You love her. Tell me I’m wrong?”
“Love is bullshit. I wish I’d never met her.”
Liam curses under his breath, pins me up against the wall with a forearm, brings his other hand up to my face, and smacks me. Hard.
The sting radiates down my cheek, and I work my jaw back and forth. I’m stunned.
“What the fuck was that for?”
“For saying dumb shit that you don’t mean.” He pushes off me. “You love her, and tomorrow you’re going to remember spewing nonsense and wish you’d have done it yourself.”
“So I should thank you?” I rub my fingers over my cheek. “Damn, that really hurt. Are you gonna punch me next?”
The motherfucker grins. “Don’t tempt me. Go to bed, Thatch. Then wake up and use that big brain of yours to figure out how you’re going to get her back because you’re a miserable son of a bitch without her.”
I make it through Friday on Tums and energy drinks. I crash after my last class and wake up to voices on the other side of the wall in the common area.
Pulling a T-shirt over my head, I walk out of my room to find Liam and a guy I don’t recognize. They’re playing video games, two pizzas stacked in front of them on the coffee table.
“Hey,” I say as I linger in the doorway.
They both glance quickly from the TV screen to say hello and continue with the game.
“This is Cole,” Liam says with another sideways glimpse in my direction, but this time his eyes widen a fraction.
It takes me a second to realize this is the guy Liam’s been seeing. My brows lift, and my mouth makes an O.
I catch myself before Cole looks up and smiles.
“Jordan,” I introduce myself.
“I know. I mean, I’ve heard a lot about you. It’s nice to meet you.” He has a slight drawl that makes his words slow and smooth, friendly even.
“Yeah, same.”
“We have pizza.” Liam nods his head toward the boxes.
“No thanks. I—” I can’t think of an excuse quick enough.
Liam grabs the bottom pizza and holds it out to me. “Cheese.”
I still don’t move, and he shakes it. “Soak up whatever alcohol is still in your system. Captain’s orders.”
We have a home game tomorrow against our rival ASU. They’re undefeated, and we would love nothing more than to destroy their perfect record.
Cole scoots closer to Liam, and they both look at me expectantly.
“All right.” I take a seat, and Liam passes me the box over Cole’s head, grinning like a fool.
“How’s the cheek?” Cole asks, biting back a smile.
I bring a hand up to rub my face. “Fine. No thanks to this fucker.”
We laugh, and the sound dregs up emotions I’ve tried to keep at bay.
“No offense, but it sounds like you deserved it.”
I flip him off, and Cole just laughs at me.
That’s how I find myself spending a Friday night hanging with Liam and Cole. We play video games and eat pizza.
I learn that Cole is from Texas, majoring in exercise science, and totally gone for Liam. He doesn’t say the latter, but he gets this look on his face—pure adoration—anytime the two of them are talking. I like him, and I like how happy Liam looks.
Eventually, they go to Liam’s room, and I shut myself back in mine.
Over the last week, I’ve perfected my playlist of sappy songs that say all the things I feel and can’t say to Daisy.
Staring up at the ceiling in the dark, listening to other people’s confessions of the heart, I compose a thousand texts that I won’t allow myself to send (twenty unanswered texts is a line even my pathetic ass won’t cross).
I vacillate between frustration and self-loathing. That’s to say nothing of the sadness that lingers like a second skin.
I miss her.
Fuck, do I miss her.
Liam lifts a fist as I pass him in the line down the tunnel for the final period of the game.
I tap it, and he falls in beside me. He has a pep in his step as we make our way to the ice. The crowd is on their feet, and the nearly packed arena is electric.
I don’t dare look at the student section for Daisy. I know she isn’t here. I can feel it—the distance between us.
I let it fuel me for the next twenty minutes of play.
Hockey is the perfect distraction. I dig deep, tapping into the anger and frustration, even the sadness.
Aggressive on the verge of reckless. Only Liam understands the real reason.
The rest of the team eggs me on, mistaking my hustle for my determination to beat ASU.
And we do.
But I still miss her, and when the game is over, I’m back to needing a distraction.
“You want to go to The Hideout?” Dallas asks me as we’re changing in the locker room.
“Yeah, I’m in.”
Liam stops me before I can go, stepping in front of my path to the door. “Did you hear anything I said the other night?”
“Yeah, I heard you.”
He cocks a brow.
“I heard you.” I sidestep him. “I just don’t think there’s any getting her back.”