7
Age 14
“You’re broken, Ava. Just a broken little girl. No one will ever love you. You’re worthless.”
I try to block out Harvey’s words. But I can’t help it, theycut into my heart anyway.
SomehowIknow instantlyknow hiswordsare going tofollow me like a stalker for the rest of my life.
He’s been my foster father for the past six months. His wifeSherriis no help.Shejustwanders around the house like a ghost, neverevenspeaking to us.IfirstI think they’re just in it for the paycheck like most of my foster parents. But after a while, Istart tothinkHarvey actually enjoys seeing the fear in my eyes when he approaches.
I wish I werestronger.I wish I had a shield like Wonder Woman, onethat could stop anything from hurting me.His words. His slaps. His hands.
Every time he gets high, he beats me. I’m the one he’s chosen. My little foster sister Lily thinks he’s gross and tries to stay out of his way, but she doesn’t know the extent of it.
I swear I’m going to keep it that way. I’ll take every hit if I can stop her from being hurttoo.
Through all the homes I’ve been in, I’ve never had a foster sibling around this long before. Lily is freaking adorable. Chubby cheeks and messy brown hair. I knew from the first day together that I’d do anything tomake sureshe was safe.
I have no real memories of myreal parents, but suddenly, I’ma big sister.And I’m prouder of that than anything.
The days aren’t bad. We go to school, go to the park, then come home. Harvey doesn’t even notice we’re gone.
I watch reruns of detective TV shows in the late afternoons. Columbo, Law and Order, Miss Marple. I love how everythingalways wraps up soneatly at the end of each episode. Neat enough to put a bow on it.
I wish real life were that simple. I wish I was asstrongandgoodas the heroes on the screen.
But I’m so scared that Harvey is right when he calls me broken. Why? Because every nightIfall asleep to the same fantasy.
In this fantasy, I grab a rusty knife from the dirty kitchen and stand over Harvey’s bed. I force the knife into his chest and watch the life drain from his eyes. I grab Lily, walk out of this house, and never look back.
But it’s just my imagination. Still, guilt aches in my chest every morning when I wake. The heroes on TV take the high road, but that doesn’t seem to work in real life. After the first time Harvey attacked me, I called CPS. Someone in a suit came around, Harvey fed them a bunch of lies, and they left like nothing happened.
That made the second attack all the worse.
So I don’t grab the knife from the kitchen.
Ijustkeep falling asleep to my fantasy.
I sit and ache and wait for someone to come and save me.
But the days pass. Thensodo the months.
I wait, but no one ever comes.