Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
Maggie
I don’t want to go. I don’t know how to say goodbye to her. She was there when we lost my mom and again years later when we lost my dad. She has been my constant in this world of pain. When I finally pulled away from Eric, my ex, she reassured me that everything was going to be okay. She was certain I’d one day find a man worthy of my time, of my love, and she was right.
She’s gone, and I don’t know how to get past this pain. I know that death is a part of life, but I’ve lost too many people who were important to me. I’ve lost my family. It’s just me, all alone in this world, and that makes my heart ache.
Losing her makes my heart ache.
“Maggie?” Lachlan’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts. I turn to look at him. “It’s time to go.”
I nod but make no effort to move. Instead, I stare at him. He’s dressed in black dress pants, a black long-sleeve button-up, and his blue eyes, they’re full of pain when he looks at me. I don’t want his pain, and I don’t want his pity. I’m the woman left in this world with no family and no connection to my roots, and that’s just how it is.
Sean kicks, and I jolt at the movement as well as the unexpected pain because all I’ve felt since Lachlan woke me up and told me she was in the hospital is numb.
He comes rushing over. He slides one arm behind my back and the other rests on my belly. “Are you okay?” he asks gently.
“I’m fine. He’s really active today.”
He bends and kisses my belly through my black dress. “Be kind to Momma today, Sean. She needs our love now more than ever.” He kisses my belly again, and then I feel his lips on my temple. “Time to go,” he says, turning and guiding me out of our bedroom with his arm around my waist.
Before I know it, Lachlan is at my door, offering me his hand. We’ve arrived at the funeral home. I don’t want to go in there. I don’t want to do this. My eyes find his, and he nods.
“I know, baby, but I’m right here,” he assures me. “This time is for family only,” he reminds me.
We have an hour for the immediate family to say their goodbyes. I don’t need an hour. It’s just me, and since I’ll never be ready to say goodbye, the time is pointless. However, I need to go in there and tell her one last time how much I love her, and how my heart will forever be missing a piece with her gone.
She would want me to be here.
I place my hand in his and allow him to help me out of the truck. He laces our fingers together as we make our way inside the funeral home. The funeral director we met with earlier this week greets us with a firm handshake and condolences. Lachlan handles that. I think I shake his hand, but I can’t be sure.
Lachlan leads me into the viewing room. Is that what it’s called? The layout room? Does it matter? No, not in the grand scheme of things. They should call it the heartbreak, goodbye room because that’s what is happening.
My feet feel as though they weigh one hundred pounds as we slowly make our way to the coffin. I close my eyes, because I can’t look. I just—a sob breaks free from my chest, and I feel faint, but Lachlan is there to catch me. He wraps his arms around me and holds me tightly to his chest.
“I’m here,” he whispers. “I love you,” he adds.
I don’t reply, because I can’t. I can’t find my voice. This is it. This is the moment that I say goodbye to the woman who has been my rock throughout my life. The woman who helped me through the pain of losing my parents, her son, and daughter-in-law, and so many other moments of my life.
If she were here, she would tell me that this is a part of life. The circle of life, to be exact, and that I must live on with her in my heart. I know that because she told me so when we lost my mom, and again when we lost my dad. She’d tell me I need to be strong and let their love for me hold me up.
So, that’s what I do.
I suck in a ragged breath and pull away from Lachlan’s chest, wiping at my eyes. I take the final two steps to the coffin and stare down at her. Tears race down my cheeks, and I don’t bother to wipe them away. I can’t keep up with them, anyway.
“I love you so much, Grandma,” I say, my voice raspy from tears, or maybe it’s from pain. Probably a mixture of both.
I don’t know how long we stand here, but I do know that Lachlan is with me. His hand around my waist, giving me his strength, is the only thing I feel outside of the pain.
I sway on my feet, and Lachlan steps closer. “Let’s go sit. Get you off your feet for a few minutes. We’ll be close, I promise,” he assures me.
I don’t know if I nod, but he turns us, and I close my eyes as I let him guide me where he thinks I need to go. “We’ll sit here,” he whispers.
I open my eyes, and it’s not just a room of empty seats I’m seeing. My breath catches in my lungs when I see the room. It’s not just us, as I suspected. Lachlan’s parents are here. Roman, Emerson, Monroe, Legend, Forrest, Briar, Maddox, and Brogan. My eyes scan and I see Roman’s parents, Legend’s, Maddox’s, and Monroe’s, too, and my knees feel weak.
“I didn’t know,” I say through my tears.
I watch as Amanda and Rodney rise from their seats and make their way to us. Rodney reaches me first and engulfs me in a hug. “I’m so sorry for your loss,” he tells me. “We’re here for whatever you need.” He steps back, and Amanda takes his place.
“Sweetheart,” she says, her face crumpling. She, too, pulls me into a crushing hug. “We love you,” she tells me, her voice cracking. “We’re here for you. I’m so sorry, Maggie,” she says. She releases me, and Lachlan is there again. His arm goes around my waist, and his lips land on my temple.
Roman and Emerson come next, then Maggie and Legend, Forrest and Briar, then Maddox and Brogan. Roman’s and Monroe’s parents are last, and they all hug me, telling me how sorry they are for my loss, that they’re here for me.
That’s what you’re supposed to say, though, right? When you go through things like this? What else can you say? The family is standing before you, their hearts… well, in this case, my heart is torn to shreds. What else are they supposed to say?
Nothing.
Nothing they say will fix the pain I’m feeling.
No amount of hugs, and “I’m so sorry,” will bring her back to me.
“Let’s sit,” Lachlan says once everyone has passed on their condolences. He helps me into a chair and wraps his arm around me. I lean into him, into his strength, because I can’t seem to find my own. Time passes in a blur. The preacher steps forward, and I don’t know how, but I missed the entire viewing. I vaguely remember some friends of Grandma’s and her neighbors speaking to me, but it’s all fuzzy.
The preacher talks about Grandma’s love for knitting and working in the garden. He tells us how she’s preceded in death by her husband, Grandpa Tom, her daughter-in-law, Kara, and her son, Sean.
“Doris leaves behind her loving granddaughter and the light of her life, Maggie Ward.”
That’s what does it. That statement, meant to be out of love, slices my heart wide open. My body shakes with my sobs, and I know I need to calm down. I know that I have the baby to think about, but I can’t seem to stop. Lachlan’s here. He’s holding me, telling me how much he loves me, but it does nothing for the pain.
“Maggie, it’s time to go,” Lachlan tells me. He stands and helps me do the same. Everyone takes another turn hugging us before filing out. “Do you want to go see her again?” he asks.
“I—I can’t.”
“You can, baby. I’m right here. I don’t want you to have any regrets.” Carefully, with his arm around my waist, we go back to the casket.
“Hey, Doris, our girl is really missing you,” he murmurs. “We love you. We miss you.” His voice cracks, and that slices through me too.
Lachlan pulls me into his chest. “Talk to her, Maggie. If there is anything you need to say, please say it.” He’s pleading.
“I—I love you. I miss you, and I don’t know how to do life without you,” I say through my sobs. I bury my face in Lachlan’s neck and let my tears flow. I hear him talking, but I don’t understand anything he’s saying.
Finally, he pulls away and lifts my chin with his index finger. “It’s time to go,” he tells me.
I nod, because I know we have to do this, even though I don’t want to. Together, we make our way to the truck. Ours is first in line, and our friends and their families are right behind us, and there are a few other cars behind them. There are more people here than I ever thought possible.
The drive to the cemetery is short. Grandma will be laid to rest next to Grandpa Tom and my parents. We all gather round. Lachlan tries to get me to sit, but I refuse. Instead, he holds me up as the preacher says a few final words.
Thousands of memories flash through my mind, and she’s in all of them. Lachlan leads us toward the casket and pulls out two flowers. One he hands to me, the other he keeps for himself.
“I love you,” I whisper as I lay the flower on the casket. Lachlan keeps his, and I want to ask why, but I don’t have the words. They seem to have escaped me. He takes me home, and I’m surprised to see everyone else here as well. Roman’s and Monroe’s parents came to get food ready for all of us.
“Thank you,” I tell them. It’s meek at best, but it’s also the best that I can do.
Everyone stays; they ask how I’m feeling and how the baby is. I know they’re trying to distract me, but it’s not working. Everything is a haze, and I’m so fucking scared it will remain that way.
I’m in a room full of people, yet I feel more alone than ever.
It’s been two weeks since we lost her, and my heart is still shattered. I haven’t gone back to work, and I know that I need to. They’ve been lenient with me, probably because I’m pregnant, or maybe it’s Lachlan telling them I’m not good. I know he said those exact words because I heard him.
“I can stay home. I can cancel my clients,” Lachlan is telling me.
“I’ll be fine.”
“I’d rather be here with you,” he says, trying to convince me that him not going to work again today is a good idea.
“You took two weeks off with me. You have clients who are depending on you.”
“You are more important than any client, Mags. I love what I do, but that pales in comparison to you and our son.”
“Lachlan.” I sigh. I just need him to go to work. I need to be left alone.
“I’m staying,” he says, starting to kick off his shoes.
“No. Go. JUST GO!” I scream. He freezes, and his eyes widen in shock. My voice is hoarse from all the tears I’ve cried, and my cheeks are wet from said tears. “I need time, Lachlan. I don’t need you hovering. I just—I need some damn time,” I say again. To be honest, I don’t know what I need. I just know the guilt of taking up so much of his time, from taking him away from a job he loves is eating away at me. Just another bruise on my already broken heart.
The room is eerily silent, my anger hanging between us. I’m not mad at him. I’m just plain old mad. I’m sad. I miss her. Finally, he walks toward me. I expect him to fight back, but instead, he pulls me into a hug.
“I’ll have my phone on me. You can call the shop too. I love you.” He presses his lips to my forehead and lingers longer than usual. “I’ll be home soon.”
I don’t say goodbye. I don’t say I’m sorry, and I don’t tell him I love him. I stand in the middle of our bedroom, a shell of myself, and watch him walk away.
I’m not hungry, but I know I have to eat for the baby, so I make my way to the kitchen to make some peanut butter toast. Just as I’ve taken the last bite, there is a knock at the door.
I almost don’t answer it, but Lachlan has been buying stuff for the baby, and I don’t want to miss a delivery, if that’s what it is. He deserves that much from me. Pulling open the door, I suck in a surprised breath. “Amanda.”
“Hi, Maggie. Is now a bad time?”
I step back, motioning for her to enter. I don’t want company, but Amanda has been nothing but great to me. “Did he call you?”
“Did who call me?”
“Lachlan?”
“No. I did talk to him a couple of nights ago, and you’ve been on my mind. Can we sit?”
“Sure. You want something to drink?” I ask, remembering my manners.
“I’m fine. Thank you.” She takes a seat on the couch, and I do the same on the opposite end. “Why did you think my son called me?” she asks.
With a loud exhale, I close my eyes and prepare myself for my future mother-in-law to hate me. “We fought. Well, I fought, yelled actually, and he was the amazing man he is, and let me.”
Amanda smiles, which is not what I was expecting. “I have one of those. In fact, I’m certain that’s where Lachlan learned it.”
“I’m not mad at him. I’m just plain old mad. He wanted to stay home with me today, and the thought of him putting his job or life on hold for me… I don’t want that.”
“Been there, done that. I think I might even have the T-shirt to prove it.” She smiles softly.
“Really?”
She nods. “I was a single mom when I met Rodney. Lachlan’s sperm donor told me to handle the situation and skipped town. I never saw him again. I was doing it all on my own, and Rodney, he was persistent. He kept showing up, even after we’d been on a few dates, and I was sure he would leave. He never did.”
“And you fought?”
“Oh, sweetheart, we argue, just like every couple. It’s natural to do so. I can still remember the first real fight we ever had. Lachlan was sick, and we were supposed to go to dinner. I was stressed from missing so much work, knowing money would be tight, and Rodney he showed up at my place, anyway. He had food in hand, and things he thought Lachlan might like. I screamed and yelled that we weren’t his problem. That I had to figure it out on my own because when he was gone, when he decided we were too much work, I’d still be alone.”
“What happened?”
“He pulled me into a hug and let me cry. He then came into the house, picked Lachlan up, snuggled him and told me to go take a bath, and take some me time.”
“Yeah, I’d say he gets it from his dad.”
“He does.” Amanda smiles fondly. “How are you doing, Maggie? Really, no bullshit.”
“I—wasn’t expecting that,” I say, giving her a half smile.
“Us women, we have to stick together, so whatever it is, lay it on me.”
“My grandma, she was there when we lost my mom, and when I lost my dad. She was there for me while I was in college, through past bad relationships, and now this.” I look down at my belly, my hands resting there. “There isn’t a single moment of my life that I don’t remember without her in it. The good, the bad, and the in-between. I don’t know how to do this without her. I feel so… alone. I know that’s not the case, but I have no family.” I rub my belly. “Sean, he’s my family now.”
“What am I?” Amanda asks. “What about my son, and the ring he put on your finger? Is he not your family? Rodney? Is he not your family? Your friends?” She raises a finger with each new name or group she calls out.
“Yeah, but it’s different,” I say. I don’t know how to explain it to her.
“It’s only different if you let it be different.”
Tears well in my eyes and I furiously wipe them away. “I’m so sick of crying.”
“Technically, I’m not a grandmother yet, but I am a mother. I know the love a mother has for her child, and I can only imagine that love being just as strong for your grandchild. For all the moments you mentioned that she was there for you, you were there for her too. She lost her son, but she had a piece of him with her in you. I didn’t know Doris long, but I knew her well enough to know she’d hate to see you this way. She’d want you to enjoy the final few months of your pregnancy. She’d want to know that you were living the life you deserve.” She reaches over and places her hand on mine. “I can’t replace her or your mother. What I can do is love you and love this baby for all three of us. And Rodney, that man, he’s going to spoil his grandson endlessly, for him and for your dad.”
I not only listen to her words, I feel them in my soul. “Lachlan, he’s been so amazing through all of this. I love him so much,” I say, tears coating my cheeks. “I can’t lose someone else that I love. I won’t make it.”
“You will. I wish I could tell you that the pain of losing a loved one is over for you, but I’d be lying. But I know you have it in you to fight through the pain. You have to live for them now, Maggie. For this little one.” She places her hand on my belly. “Let him help you. Let all of us help you. You don’t have our blood in your veins, but you are our family. I couldn’t be more proud of the woman you are. The woman my son chose to give his heart to. The woman he’s spending his forever with and starting a family with. You are my daughter too.”
I’m crying so hard now that I’m unable to speak. Amanda slides over toward me and hugs me tightly. She doesn’t say a word; she just lets me cry in her arms—the comfort of a mother, something I never thought I’d gain.
When my tears have run dry, I sit up and blow out a heavy breath. “I love your son with everything that I am. I love you and Rodney too. Thank you for being there for me through all of this. I promise I’ll get myself together.”
“Just don’t do it alone, Maggie. Whatever you need, we’re here. We don’t want to hover, but just know there isn’t anything you could ask us for that we wouldn’t do for you if it’s within our control.” Amanda gives my hand a gentle squeeze. “Now, how is this little guy? How are you feeling? Have you been eating?”
“He’s great,” I say, wiping at my tears. “Growing as he should be, and I’ve been forcing myself to eat.”
“Good, but we’re still going out to lunch. You need some fresh winter Tennessee air. It’s good for your soul.”
“I’m—” I look down at my faded hoodie and leggings. “—a mess.”
“We’ve got time. Go get ready. I’ll be right here.” She reaches into her purse and holds up her Kindle. “I got this for Christmas. Thanks to you, I hear.” She laughs.
“Best gift ever.” I smile, feeling some of the weight and sadness on my heart lift.
“Oh, I couldn’t agree more. Now, go on. Lunch is waiting.”
“Thank you, Amanda.”
“You’re welcome, sweetheart. That’s what family is for.”
With a nod, I head to the bedroom to get ready for a lunch outing with my future mother-in-law. She’s right; I know she is. I was too deep in my pain to see the blessings I have. I see them now, and I won’t take them for granted ever again.