Chapter 7
I chose.
Tamara
Cancos were…quiet. Soft. Curious.
A far cry from their tougher appearance, but this probably only had to do with the thickness of their skin. The sharpness of their thumb.
They could easily cut limbs if they wanted to…Some part of me had been convinced that it was my fate. That maybe my husband would use me to get his child and then they would get rid of me somehow.
But his oath? It still echoed in my head. Still warmed the inside of my chest. It sounded true. Everyone could throw meaningless words. Make promises they didn’t intend to keep. Jake did, after all. A lot. But I somehow knew it already back then; his promises were worth shit.
Filbur’s? He had meant every word he’d said.
“Are you hungry?”
Starving. “Oh, it’s fine, I don’t need to eat yet.”
I refrained myself from hitting my head against the nearest thing hard enough to knock me unconscious—ergo, my husband currently standing still at my side, staring into my eyes.
“You do not need to eat?” he asked. He sounded genuinely confused.
“I…I mean, I don’t know what time it is yet. I can wait until—”
“It is not what I asked,” he interrupted, his hand squeezing mine lightly. “I asked if you were hungry. Because your stomach is making odd noises and if it is not related to hunger, I will need to check for potential health issues.”
Oh. Shit. “I don’t want to be a bother. I’ll eat when you eat.”
Filbur narrowed his eyes, studying me. Did I say something wrong?
Jake always scolded me for basic need-related things.
I was not to eat unless he and his family were eating too.
I was to watch my food intake because I was, according to him, too fat for his tastes.
I had to ask for permission before going to the damn bathroom.
I knew all this was wrong. I knew it wasn’t what a healthy relationship looked like. But my brain was conditioned now and it was too hard to stop. To voice my needs. To—
“You are not a bother,” he said softly, taking a step closer to place his palm on my belly. “Are you hungry?” he asked again. “You should not sleep on an empty stomach.”
My brain was yelling at me. Telling me I needed to keep denying. To stay invisible and compliant so as to remain safe.
“Tamara.” His hand found the side of my face, his sharp thumb careful as it caressed my cheek. “Where have you gone?”
“I-I’m right here, I—”
“You are not. Your body is here but your mind is lost.”
My vision blurred at the edges and I couldn’t control the erratic rhythm of my damn heart. It didn’t know the difference between my body needing food and jumping off a cliff. I blamed my parents, Jake and his family for breaking me.
“Okay, we will get some food. And then, you will decide if you want to eat it or not,” he concluded.
Filbur didn’t let go of my hand as we walked through the camp.
People sat around campfires, eating dishes they got from large tents surrounding them.
It was loud, but not in the overwhelming way Jake’s parties used to be.
People chatted, ate, laughed, played some strange instruments that produced soft music…
When they turned to look at us, they only smiled, bowing their heads as we walked by.
“I am sorry that you had to come during our migration. We are usually more…settled.”
Filbur stopped us in front of a large table where dozens of different dishes were placed. It all looked oddly good, and the smell was absolutely delicious.
“Am I right when I think that asking what you want will result in you telling me you will eat what I eat?” He looked at me with a cocked brow, a slight smile pulling at his face.
I cleared my throat. “Hum…Yes, probably.”
He shook his head, turning away from me to study the food. My body didn’t tense as much as I expected it to, but again, although I was used to and expected some sort of disappointment, Filbur only looked amused.
“I will get a bit of everything then.” He bent to grab a huge plate made of woven leaves and started carefully piling up food. “So you can taste and tell me what you prefer.”
This man was heaven sent. Or…Was it all a ruse? To make me trust him? So I’d let my guard down?
Were there really good men—good people—out there?
Shit. Was I being paranoid again?
“Okay, I think it should be enough.” Understatement. The plate was nearly crumbling under the weight of everything. “Come, we will find a quiet fire to sit next to.”
Filbur took my hand again and led me around the most crowded area, dipping his head to a few people but never stopping to chat with them. Never letting go of me.
“I am sorry,” he said, embarrassed. “They are eager to meet you but they will wait until you are ready.”
I gave him a questioning look. “Who?”
We stopped at the fire farthest away from the crowds and Filbur gave me a soft smile, pulling me down to sit in the sand with him. “Have you not noticed? A lot of people were trying to get our attention.”
Oh…So that was what the little nods had been about. “Why?”
He shrugged like it all made sense and sat cross-legged, turning so he would face me and not the fire, setting the plate in front of us.
“Our people like humans. It is not the case for all species, but we get along. You are…the first human female they meet. The first human to choose one of us as a life partner.” He winced, seemingly not sure about his own words.
“I know you did not actually choose, but—”
“I chose,” I said. If there was something I did right in my whole life, it was this.
Taking this chance had allowed me to escape a place where I had been abused and miserable.
“I know I’m…probably not what you were hoping for.
I…” Shit, why was it so hard to fucking tell people what I had been through?
Filbur didn’t rush me though, waiting patiently until the words made their way out.
“I did not have an easy life before I came here. I apologize if sometimes…I get distant. Wary. If it feels like I don’t trust you or—” My throat closed up, blocking all sounds.
Shit, shit, shit.
I closed my eyes, forcing my lungs to expand. Forced myself to breathe slowly.
Filbur’s hand found mine again. “Tamara.” My name sounded so soft when he was calling it, yet I couldn’t help the little flinch. I’d been so used to people barking or sneering it that I’d been hating this name for a long time. “First of all, you are everything I have been hoping for.”
I let out a strangled scoff. “You don’t even know me yet.”
“I know the humans chose you for a good reason,” he said, picking up a long and sharp wooden stick.
He started distractedly stabbing it into some pieces of food, making skewers with both seafood and fruits.
“They would not risk this whole project by partnering us if they did not think we would get along.”
He had a point. But my trauma…Maybe they didn’t take it into account. Maybe now I was too broken. Maybe I would fuck this up somehow.
“Second of all, whatever it is you have been through, you are safe here.” He focused back on me as he placed the skewer over the fire. “Safe in a lot of different ways.”
My throat bobbed. “What do you mean?”
He picked up some fruit and brought it to my lips. It was green and fleshy like a mango. It tasted like nothing I had ever eaten before, but it was sweet and watery.
“Violence is mostly prohibited here,” he explained.
It didn’t make me feel better, it was also frowned upon by humans.
It had never stopped Jake. Never stopped my parents after they’d join this damn cult.
“The only situation that would not punish me for attacking and injuring someone would be to defend. If you were attacked, for example. Then I would be free to do whatever was necessary to save you.”
This seemed too easy. “What’s to say someone wouldn’t lie to get away with violence?” I asked. “Pretend it was to save someone else while in fact they were the ones attacking?”
Filbur frowned, confused. “How would this work? Lies are visible, and the person attacked would tell the truth.”
Visible? “What?”
I accepted the thin piece of smoked fish he gave me. Shit this is good.
“I am not sure what was not clear,” he said.
“What do you mean lies are visible?”
He arched a brow and cast a quick glance at the slowly cooking skewer before turning it. “Do you not see?”
I shook my head. I had eyes but not ones that could tell the fucking difference between what was true or not…
He lifted a hand and softly brushed his fingers from one cheekbone to the other, sliding over my nose. “This part of the face heats up when a lie is being told.”
“What? It’s…You can see this?”
He nodded. “I do. We all do. So trust me when I say that if I were to hurt you, you could have me arrested. Maybe even killed if it was bad enough.”
This was absolutely insane. “Just by saying it?”
“Yes.”
“Just like that?” He nodded again. “And no one would question it? Call me a liar? Say I asked for it?”
His eyes darkened at the last one. Oh. Maybe it hadn’t been the thing to ask…
“Asked for it? Who would think someone asked for violence?”
“I…” Professional narcissistic liars, that’s who. “I don’t know. Forget I said this, I—”
“See, you are lying right now.”
My face did feel hot. “No, I’m not!”
He tilted his head to the side, looking at me like I was telling him I didn’t eat the last piece of cake while having chocolate smeared on my face. He grabbed some more food and gave it to me. “Here is what I think and please, let me finish talking before you try denying it.”
Oh, oh.
“I think you witnessed violence before you got here,” he said.
“I do not know yet if you were the one being purposefully hurt or if it was someone close to you, but I do know that it has made you wary.” I was brave for all of one second.
Just enough to meet his gaze before I looked down at the sand under my naked feet.
Just long enough for him to maybe read it all on my damn face.
“I do know that it somehow makes you struggle to speak up. To communicate your needs. To tell what is on your mind.”
Spot on. Damn it.
“Know that I will always be able to tell when you lie.” Filbur smiled. “Even when it is to yourself. You are safe to tell the truth here. Let’s start with basic needs, yes?” I blinked, unsure what to do. What to say. “Are you hungry?”
A pretty straightforward question. I was hungry, although less than when he first asked. Filbur still hadn’t eaten anything. Maybe he was not hungry. Yet, he seemed happy to just feed me.
My instinct was to say no. “Yes,” I said instead. Baby steps. “It’s really good.”
His smile widened, showing perfectly aligned teeth. He looked oddly beautiful…
“Are you comfortable?” he asked next.
Was I? My back hurt, but it had more to do with the long day than the actual position we were sitting in. I actually really enjoyed the feeling of the soft sand under my feet.
But I…wasn’t entirely comfortable. “Yes.” He arched a brow at me. Shit. It was compulsive at this point. “I’m…I’m a bit cold.”
And it was true. Although the sun had been extremely warm when I arrived, it had cooled down with the night. The fire warmed us, but being tired always made me shake from the cold.
Filbur didn’t say anything as he stood and unwrapped the sort of scarf from his wide and muscular shoulders to wrap it around mine.
Damn, this man is huge. Something fluttered in my lower stomach as he peered at me from above.
He’s kind of hot too. Who would have thought I’d be into a red, bald, bodybuilder?
“Is it better?” he asked.
I wasn’t sure if the sudden warmth was from his thick scarf—who smelled strangely good, like a mix between smoke, fruits and sea—or…something else. So I just nodded. Because I did feel better, but he didn’t have to know the reason.
He sat back in front of me. Closer. He picked up something from the plate and brought it to his own mouth.
Mouth that had kissed me both reluctantly and eagerly at the same time not that long ago. It had been a good kiss. Really good, even. Much better than the handful of times Jake had drunkenly forced his damn tongue against mine and I’d had to refrain myself from biting it off.
“Can I ask why you feel like you cannot tell me the truth?” Filbur asked softly and my throat bobbed, forcing the memory of his lips moving against mine away.
“I…It’s just…I mean, I don’t—” I stuttered like an idiot.
I knew why. Because I was scared. Because I’d been conditioned to keep quiet.
Because I was punished if I spoke out of turn or said something they didn’t want to hear.
I had been struck a few times, yes. But their favorite way of dealing with me had been with hurtful words.
Filbur saw right through me. “If you do not want to tell me yet, just say so. Do not lie, alright?”
Okay. I could do this. “I…I don’t think I can talk about it for now.”
Not yet. Maybe not ever but I hoped I could at some point.
I was broken. But what if Filbur could fix me?