Chapter 11
Is there a better way to die?
Tamara
Filbur, although really focused on what he was reading, always glanced at me before turning a page.
I’d been swimming around for at least an hour. I’d expected the water to be cold, but it wasn’t. Somehow, everything on this planet felt warmer. Brighter. Even my memories of the Island I was born on felt dull and cold in comparison to this place.
I swam to the edge, close to the waterfall and placed my arms on the stone to rest my head. My hand distractedly reached for the pale pink sand, letting it slide between my fingers when something little moved and caught my eye.
The small creature crawled, carrying its pretty ivory green shell on its back.
It seemed too heavy for its tiny size, yet it didn’t stop until it reached the shade offered by the rock behind the waterfall.
Once hidden from the sun it slid out of the shell and lowered its little head to a puddle of water.
If a prawn had a snail’s head, it would look like this.
Once it was done, it went back to the big swirly shell and contorted to push its tail back inside.
I watched it walk away, going back in the sun to go wherever it needed to.
“That was a cargio,” Filbur said and I yelped, nearly dying from a heart attack as he slid his large body behind me. “They are always thirsty but cannot drink sea water.”
I took a few seconds to calm my racing heart before I turned my head to look at my husband. “You scared me!”
He did not put that much effort into hiding his smile. “I am sorry.”
“No you’re not!”
His smile turned into a grin. “No, I am not.” I couldn’t help but return the smile when he dropped a series of kisses from my cheek to my shoulder. “Are you studying our wildlife?”
“This little thing is carrying a shell way too big for its small body,” I remarked, turning back to the forest where it had walked to.
“This is why it is always thirsty. Lots of effort.”
I glanced at Filbur over my shoulder. He smiled, but I wasn’t sure if he was joking or not.
“Why not carry a smaller shell then?”
“Helpless romantic,” he answered with a shrug. “It keeps searching for a female, so it wants their house to be big enough.”
It was absolutely adorable. “Ow, that’s sweet,” I said, my heart now rooting for the little guy.
Filbur cleared his throat. “Hm…No, not really.” I turned around to look at him, confused. He slid both of his arms around my waist to hold me closer. “The male does not survive the reproduction act.” Oh dear. “So…once it is done, the female eats him and takes his house.”
What? “Oh my god!”
He winced, this time looking actually sorry. “It is not a pretty spectacle,” he said. “But I guess it is not too bad. I mean…Is there a better way to die?”
“Really? You’d be happy dying this way?”
He shrugged, leaning to give me a quick peck on the lips. “It beats dying in pain from a disease or even sometimes old age. At least this one is taken by an orgasm so strong his little heart stops,” he said, tilting his head toward the now invisible creature.
“Oh my god.”
Filbur chuckled. “So you keep repeating.”
“I’m not sure if I should be sad or happy for this poor thing now.”
He backed away a little, just enough to release me and place his hands on my hips. “I read a good amount of the book,” he said, changing the subject. “Can I check a few things?”
Could he? What chapter did he even read? I mean, I saw the table of contents…There were a lot of things he could be talking about. One of them being about the…reproduction. Although what happened this morning had been heavenly, I wasn’t sure I was ready for more.
“R-right now?” I asked.
He nodded. “If you do not mind?”
Oh dear. Did I mind? “I-I…I don’t know. What do you—”
“Do you remember what I told you this morning?” he asked, searching my panicked eyes. I nodded. “I will not put any pressure on you for sex. This is not what this is about, I promise.”
Oh. Okay. This was good, right? Yes.
So when he pulled me by the arm toward the waterfall I followed.
“Here,” he said once we were hidden behind. “Can you sit?”
He lifted me by the waist and placed my ass on the rough wet rock by the side. I thought it would be loud in here but the little water falling was not coming from too high. But it echoed.
“Can I?” he asked, his hand hovering just over my chest. My mouth suddenly felt too dry to speak so I gave him a nod.
“The book says humans’ average heartbeat per minute is between sixty and one hundred.
” He placed his palm flat on my sternum.
“It is hard to believe a heart can beat so fast.” He frowned and I held a chuckle.
“Wow, why can I barely feel it? Is something wrong with your heart?”
I placed my hand on his and moved it slightly to the left. His eyes widened.
“Oh. I have not seen the drawings yet…Is your heart on the left and not in the middle?” He paused, deep in thought. “Or wait, do you have two? That would explain the high—”
“Just one. On the left. It’s hard to feel it like this though.”
“But I feel it now,” Filbur said, confused.
I smiled and took his other hand that had been softly resting on my thigh to bring it to my throat. Growing up having a lot of anxiety, I sometimes took my pulse there. For some reason, counting helped me calm down.
I pressed two of his fingers there and waited, looking at the surprise on his face.
“Oh, wow. It is fast.”
We remained silent for a moment, and even though I was pretty sure his hand on my chest could barely feel anything, he didn’t remove it.
“Are you counting?” I asked softly.
“I am recounting.”
I arched a brow. “How many times have you counted so far?”
His brows scrunched down. “It was the third time. I have to start again, I lost count.”
A giggle escaped me. “Why are you recounting?”
“Because it is too high, it cannot be right.”
I felt perfectly fine. “This is nothing. You should feel it when I have my anxiety attacks, it gets scary high.”
He pulled both hands away and I worried I said something wrong. But he moved closer, his face inches away from mine. “Anxiety attack? What attack?”
Oh. Shit. “Panic?” I repeated. “It’s, uh…Stress?”
He frowned. Wow, did they not have this here? What a blessed species. “Is it like fear?”
“Yes! Huge, irrational fear.”
He nodded. “Okay. I have a fear of…birds. People mock me for it. Is it the same?”
Not really but I guess it can be seen as irrational. “Hm…no. Do you remember yesterday? When I…froze? In front of everyone?”
He thought about it and tensed. “Were you afraid? Of me?”
“No! No. I mean I was afraid. But not about what you think. I was afraid to embarrass myself. To embarrass you. You want to know why?” He gave a tight nod.
“Because I wasn’t sure who I was supposed to marry between your brother and you.
I hadn’t been given many details about you, and since I didn’t know who I was supposed to walk to, my legs just refused to cooperate. ”
He mulled over my words. “Irrational.”
“Yes! I thought…that if I got it wrong, you’d be embarrassed. That maybe you would send me away and I’d be sent back to Jake and forced to live a miserable life with a violent man and his awful family, and—”
His fingers found the spot where my pulse was the strongest again and his scowl deepened. “How can your heart handle something like this?” he mused. “This…anxiety, this is bad.”
“Trust me, I know,” I said. “I’ve been living with it for a very long time.”
He studied me in silence, eyes searching mine, still taking my pulse while he held my waist with his other hand. “No more anxiety. Okay?”
I scoffed. “It’s not like I can control it. My brain can’t help its relentless overthinking.”
He looked up to my forehead. “Next time you have…an attack, you tell me, yes?”
“Why, so you can count my heartbeat?” I tried to joke.
But he cupped my face in his hands, bringing us closer. “No. So I can understand what triggers it. How to prevent it. How to fix it.”
He looked beautiful, even though worries pulled at his features. He cares. He really cares.
“Okay.”
Filbur let out a shuddering breath and glanced over his shoulder. We couldn’t see much behind the thin waterfall, but whatever he was checking must have satisfied him because when he turned back to me, his lips landed on mine.
The kiss was not urgent or hungry like it had been this morning. But the way his hands wouldn’t let go of me and had to be in contact with my skin sent fire to my lower belly.