CHAPTER 16 #3
I stayed motionless as quakes rocked his body. He grabbed my shoulder to hold on as he let his orgasm work through. When he finally came around he had a huge smile. A smile so big it changed the whole shape of his face.
“You keep taking care of me Lucy and it is driving me insane.” He laughed.
He was right, I was taking care of him in some way. I felt a power in that fact, that he knew I could do things to him that would give him pleasure, help him out. That in itself turned me on. He knew he was in good hands and he craved it.
I slowly stood up to go to the kitchen for a wet paper towel, but before I could leave his side, he took my hand and kissed my knuckles.
“Thank you.”
“You're welcome.”
We finished the movie and it was time for us both to sleep. I pulled down the long johns and pulled off the T-shirt, folding both and placing them on a bedside chair. Sasha just stared at me in bed.
“What? I sleep naked. I like being free when I sleep.”
He threw up his hands. “Absolutely no complaints here.” He opened his arm as he sat up in bed for me to snuggle in.
Sasha was on his cell phone scrolling. “Sorry, just checking messages before we sleep. My mom always texts after a game.”
“That's sweet. Are you close with her?” I breathed in his skin.
“Yeah, now that I'm back home. She lives in Brooklyn with my sister.”
“She must be excited about that.”
“I can never tell, she isn't cold, just not warm you know?”
“No, I don't. I'm sorry.” I squeezed his middle and placed my head against his chest.
Cold was never a vocabulary word when it came to describing my mother, sister or even my father when he was alive. We might be sarcastic and bitchy, but when we loved it was fierce. I could always tell how much my family loved me. So, for Sasha to say what he did, my heart hurt for him.
“Those kids at the rink put our picture online. The Sarge's new Girl is the headline.” Sasha was scrolling and I couldn't tell his emotion on the subject. His face was neutral.
It was time to have the talk with him. I had dreaded this moment as soon as the realization of us being together hit me. There were certain things I needed in my life. All because of what happened to me with my father. And Hockey might fuck this one up.
“I'm not really a fan of social media honestly. I like my privacy. Actually, I need my privacy. When my dad died–”
Sasha's head snapped to me, nearly throwing his phone on his bedside table. He wanted to hear what I was going to say. I told him that my dad died, but never how. It was just hard to get the words out. I never spoke of that day, never. But it would explain a lot.
“I'm listening.” He wrapped a muscled arm around me and squeezed.
“We were skating on the pond behind our house.
I was eighteen. It was a beautiful cold night and the moon was so bright we could still see our skates.
My dad loved hockey. I loved hockey. We loved it so much that we stayed out even after my mom called us in and we went hard, for hours.
Until he just stopped. I was skating to the little net we had and couldn't hear the scrape of his skates behind me and when I turned around, he was face up.
He died in my arms. I was screaming for my mom but she couldn't hear me. It all happened so quickly.” I had to pause a moment to collect myself.
I could feel tears rise up from my throat.
“The Doctor said it was a massive heart attack and there was nothing I could do. And now any time I put on a pair of skates all the memories come flooding back to me.”
“I'm so sorry.” He kissed the top of my head. “That explains the way your legs shake. I was watching you that first night we met.”
“You were watching me?”
“Yes. I could see Paulie getting frustrated but still holding your hand.”
“It's all psychological. I used to love it.
But when he died everyone got in my business, they all wanted to know what happened.
I had just turned eighteen the week before and they put this terrible picture of me at his funeral like it was some sort of memorial to him on the front page of the paper.
I think maybe that is why I go all Lucifer.
It was the only way to fend people off. I'm a hot head.”
“Yes, you are. But thank you for telling me. That must have been terrible.”
“And you are surprisingly easy tempered for a man who checks people into boards.” I twisted my head so my chin was resting on his chest, staring into his eyes.
“I won't post anything about you if you don't want me to. I won't make any statements. I promise privacy. Whatever you want.” I could see his heart beat in his neck, rapid, afraid.
“I need my privacy, but I want you, Sasha.”
I crawled up to his face and gave him the most delicate kiss. A kiss that changed everything inside me. He was soft against me, vulnerable, willing and kind. Such a rough exterior was only a shell, protecting the most gooey insides that enveloped me with a warmth I wanted to sink down into.
And I realized then how much I wanted all of him.
I wanted him because of the way he touched me, held me. But also, the way he let me go, to be myself. I felt free from judgment when I was around him. Like Lucifer was not my bad alter ego, but a part of me I didn't have to hide.
I wanted him because I loved him.