CHAPTER 24 #2
“I hope you give it to her good, she's been a real bitch lately!”
“Sarah!” I screeched.
“I'll give it my best!” He laughed.
Robbie pulled my sister by the waist back into the house. His hand waving goodnight to us before he shut the window. “Sorry about her, it was wine o'clock!” He slammed the window and I saw him point a finger at her in jest.
“You're family lives across the street?”
“And my mom down the block.”
“You've got a good set up here, don't you?”
“The best.” My stomach dropped. The whole reason things went wrong rising to the surface.
“Whoa.” Sasha stepped inside as I turned on all the lights. “I've thought about the inside of this place so many times.”
“You did?”
“Well, yeah. I had intentions. Have intentions, if you'll still have me.”
I shouldn't have been so shocked with his confession. Sasha had always been open with me. But his words still made my chest tight, like the way a body tenses in anticipation of a crash.
“I'll have you, Sasha, but you might not want me after what I have to say.”
Sasha walks into the living room and takes a right into the kitchen. “This place is gorgeous.”
He avoided the subject, running his fingers over the couch, driving me wild with the way he felt the butcher block I painstakingly refinished. The way his fingers lingered, I had forgotten what the sight of his body did to me.
“Thank you. I bought it as a fixer upper about five years ago and have been slowly finishing it. I stripped all the trim that had been painted, refinished all the hardwood floors. New doors, the dining room table, the kitchen island.”
“You did all that?”
“Yup. I put a lot of hard work into this place because I wanted to live here forever.” That thought stuck in my throat, but I tried to push it down just a few moments more.
“Follow me.” I took his hand and we went out the back door patio.
I flicked on a big switch for a spotlight about a hundred feet off the back of the house.
If you squinted just right, you could see a pond, freshly thawed just waiting for spring ducks.
“You have a pond?” His eyes lit.
“I have the pond.” My breath caught in my throat for the millionth time in a few hours. “That is the place my dad died. My Mom's house is a few acres away. My Dad and I use to hike through the woods to get here. When I saw this house was for sale I had to buy it. But I haven't set foot on the ice.”
“That's–” His voice lingered for a moment. “Tragic.”
“Yeah.” I sat down on the Adirondack chair made of Dad's hockey sticks. Sasha sat in the one next to me.
“I have a real confession.” My mouth felt agonizingly slow.
So many times I thought about how I would say the words, how he would react.
But I was terrified I had to actually say it out loud.
“When my dad died it was all over the news, my face plastered everywhere, all the talk at school. I felt violated. So when the same thing happened a few months ago, I freaked out.”
“I'm sorry I couldn't protect you.” Sasha's voice caught in his throat like what happened to me was because of him.
“Hey.” I grabbed his hand. “Their actions aren't your fault.”
He gave me a curt nod, but I could tell the subject wasn't closed for him.
“When I saw you play like shit the next day–”
“I get it, you wanted your privacy and you were doing it for my own good because you knew I wouldn't skate my best if I was worried and mad about not being there for you.” He shook his head.
“Well, that's what it was at first. But as the weeks went on it became more than that.” I was getting annoyed he was interrupting but, after not talking to him I really had to let him give me any shit he wanted.
His head shot up. “There is more?” I could see his body sweat, steam lifting from his shoulders in the cool night air.
“Those things are true, but in reality, I needed the time to step back. As I did that, I had all the time in the world to think. I liked you so much I was swept away in the romance that reality was buried down deep. What would my life actually be like if we were together? What would I gain, what would I give up? There was so much gaining because you are amazing. The most amazing. But-” I took a deep breath, all the guilt filling my lungs so large I thought they would burst. “ But I'm amazing too.
My life is amazing and I was paralyzed with fear that I would have to give it all up.
Being a WAG is all consuming. So avoiding it I guess prolonged the fantasy of being with the most perfect man for me without having to give myself up in the process.
I wasn't ready to give up my life for hockey no matter how much I loved you.” I exhaled so deeply some of my bravery left my body.
I couldn't look Sasha in the face, so I stared at the pond.
He didn't say anything, so I continued. “I didn't want to lose myself.
Which I know sounds stupid, but look at all I've accomplished here.
Look at my job and my family. I love who I am.
I don't want to lose myself.” I kept whispering the words over and over again.
Hot tears streamed my face as I was finally saying out loud what I was too embarrassed to even think. How dare I have these feelings when a man loved me so much? When I loved him so much.
My voice cracked while breaking the silence. “Six weeks was a long time to think, you know?”
Sasha stood and pulled me into his arms, my heart bottoming out. “It's OK.” He nuzzled my hair, ran his fingers up and down my back and damn him he was so good it was making me feel even worse.
“It's not OK. The worse thing is if you asked me to do it, I would say yes.
And I hate myself for it. I hate that I would sacrifice everything for you, for stupid hockey.
But I'll do it if you ask me to. I missed you that much.
I'm desperate to be here, in your arms.” I whimpered, all sense of self preservation laying at his feet.
“I wouldn't have asked you to. I won't ask you to.” He kissed the top of my head where I felt wet drips come down from his face and into my hair.
I pulled back to see his eyes, misty and red in the harsh light. My heart dropped. The worst-case scenario playing in my mind. This whole time, did he not love me as much as I thought? Was this what I deserved? To be let go for all the trouble I caused him.
“I'm sorry. I fucked everything up.” I blubbered into his sleeve.
The car was crashing, I was getting checked into the boards, dropped off a cliff, devastated.
And in that moment, I opened my mouth to beg him to stay with me. Unashamed at the way in which I loved him so much. Terror written on my face at the thought of losing Sasha.
“No. no, wait.” He started to babel first. “I mean, shit, I don't know how to say this. I don't want you as my WAG. I want you as you are Lucy. You would sacrifice your life here for me and I would sacrifice hockey. I would do it in a minute if you asked me to. But I don't want us to.”
“You don't?” My heart stopped. There was possibility in his words, hopeful possibility. “What does that make us? What do you want to be? Help me figure it out because I've been wracking my brain.”
“Lovers.” He whispered and pulled me tighter.
I gasped. “Lovers?” My heart sprung like a spring. Lovers. In an instant I knew what he meant, in it for just us, screw the rest of it.
He nodded, a brightness reaching his blue eyes I never saw before.
“I don't want you to give up Paulie's games just to see mine.
I don't want to have aching guilt when I miss birthdays and holidays because I'm on the road. But I still want you when I can have you. All those moments when our schedules work out and we can come together again. I love you.” He kissed the top of my head and I could feel the deep breath of him inhaling the scent of my hair.
“I love you and now I want to date you. I mean, hell, I only have two years of hockey left.” His body shook with a chuckle.
“You're retiring?” He wiped the tears off my face. His warm thumbs scraping across my skin and sending heat to my body.
“I think it's time and who knows, maybe in the summertime I can come here? I've always wanted that family thing. Deep roots. I hated moving all the time as a kid.” He took a look up at the house, a smile on his face.
“Yeah?” I was crazy with happiness. How could this be working out? Could it be real?
“Be your cook and cleaner and love slave. And when I retire, I don't know, I kind of love this place already, now that I know you made it.”
“I kinda love you.” I blushed.
“I really love you.”
Sasha kissed me deeply and I got goosebumps all over my arms. “My love slave, huh?”
“Oh, yes. Why don't you show me your room.” He nuzzled my ear.
“Just like that? Lovers? I'm forgiven for asking you to wait six weeks and ghosting you for two more?” The guilt still wrecked me. How could I be so stupid and foolish? I could have lost him forever.
“I should have never let you go. Like that first date, with your swollen lip. You got my ass on Facetime. We should have talked it out no matter how hard it was.” He straightened my glasses from mashing my face into his chest.
The feeling was miraculous. Like shining stars in the night sky. Like the way skates use to feel carving into the ice. Like hot chocolate with toasted marshmallows. Like candy canes in your mouth to remind you of your lover.
“You're right, Sasha.” I sheepishly buried my head into his chest, overwhelmed with love.
“I'm sorry, what was that?” He cupped his hand to his ear.
I slapped his chest. “Don't be fresh. Or do and I'll spank you for it.”
Giggling, I pulled him up the stairs as he chased me, pinching at my sides.
Sasha looked around the room while I sat nervously on the edge of my four-poster bed.
He touched the dresser I refinished, checked inside my closets, shook his head at my small tub and kept looking out the back yard window to see the pond.
“It freezes in the winter still?”
“Yup.” I stood and went to the closet where I picked out my pajamas.