CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
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Vesper
COULD YOU DIE OF SMILING too much?
Because my face literally felt like it would fall off. I worried about premature lines around my eyes. I cursed my aching cheeks. And I lay awake at night wondering how the hell I’d gone from stuck-up stressed-out vet to this giggly ignoramus who couldn’t stop thinking about the last time she had sex and walking around like a uterus on a stick.
When my doorbell announced Ryder had taken my butt biting seriously and taken only half an hour from our last text to arriving, Visa marched with me to the front door and hissed as I opened it wide.
“Well, hello to you too, you nasty pussy.” Ryder ducked, offering his knuckles to the upturned feline nose.
“I, eh, wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
Giving a hand to a dog to sniff, acceptable. Doing the same to a cat, unworthy.
As I expected, Visa swiped with perfectly aimed claws, drawing a lashing of blood.
“Oh no, I’m so sorry.” Pushing the nasty cat away, I grabbed Ryder’s wrist and dragged him into the kitchen. “I don’t know what’s gotten into her. She’s never been good with strangers, but she’s never been violent.”
Ryder chuckled. “She’s sensing some competition.”
Running the tap, I opened the cupboard to the side and pulled out the small medical kit. Ryder allowed me to wash the shallow scratch with tepid water but pulled away as I opened a tub of antiseptic. “Woman, it’s just a claw mark. It’s fine.”
“But it might get infected. Cats have a lot of bacteria in their claws.”
He shrugged. “Not any worse than the cut on my arm from the barbwire when I rescued Scar. And that’s fine.”
For the first time, fear about rust and tetanus gripped my heart. “Crap, I totally forgot about cleaning that.”
“Well we were rather occupied once Scar was tucked up in bed.”
My cheeks heated remembering our first time. Glancing at the long scab on his forearm, I noticed he wore an abnormally paint-free black t-shirt, making him look undeniably handsome. “You are up to date with your jabs, right?”
“Yes, Mum, all sorted.” He smirked. “I’m fine, Ves.”
Turning off the tap, I scowled as Visa jumped onto the kitchen bench and sauntered over to me. Her tail stuck straight in the air like a loaded rifle while her snub nose huffed in Ryder’s direction.
A sucker for punishment, Ryder reached out to scratch her back. “Be nice to me, kitty. I bought you catnip, remember?”
I groaned. “Yes, and if you ever do that again, you’re fired.”
“Fired? I didn’t know I’d applied for a job.”
“Oh?” My eyebrow rose. “I thought we were discussing the position of girlfriend and boyfriend the other day. That’s a very important position in any hierarchy.”
He chuckled. “You’re right. Okay, I’ll behave. Wouldn’t want to get fired from the best relationship I’ve ever had.”
Our easy banter dissolved into heart-fluttery awkwardness.
I darted around him to grab my handbag and keys and slip into a soft grey jumper over a black blouse and slacks I’d changed into after work. Ryder followed me into the lounge, rubbing the back of his neck.
Goosebumps sprang over my arms.
Don’t bring up the marriage comment.
Do. Not. Do. It.
After sex by the river, we’d both moved on and hadn’t mentioned the slip. It had sat there, however, like a lumbering troll breathing down our necks but we had no way of bringing it up or any desire to.
“Ready to go?” I asked far too brightly with a stupid clown grin.
He half-smiled, shaking his head—fully understanding what made me nervous and allowing the anxious moment to pass. “I have no idea where we’re going but yes. Lead on.”
“Great!”
Striding to the door, I looked over my shoulder at Visa. She sat primly, washing her paw that probably still held Ryder’s blood. She looked up with an evil glint in her eyes.
“You behave, you naughty titty tat. Eat your dinner and I’ll give you cuddles when we get back.”
Ryder blinked. “Titty tat?”
I slapped my forehead. “Sorry, childhood thing. When I was young, I couldn’t say kitty cat. My mum had a puss who used to let me dress it in doll clothes and push it in my old pram. She became known as Titty Tat.” I sighed, doing my best to stop telling such embarrassing tales of myself. “Anyway, not important.”
He grinned, coming close to cup my cheek.
My skin instantly ignited beneath his touch.
His thumb caressed me. “Not unimportant. Super important. I want to know everything about you.” Bending a little, his lips met mine in a chaste kiss. He didn’t attempt to add tongue, just content to press warmth against warmth in a familiar and very welcome hello.
My heart accelerated and my bones suddenly became sex- laden with the desire to drag him into my bedroom rather than to the large pet warehouse a thirty-minute drive away.
Ending the kiss, he murmured, “Have I told you I love kissing you?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Well, for the relationship scorecard, I do.”
I swayed forward, my arms sweeping up to hug him. I didn’t know what made me do it. I wasn’t a hugger in general but the way he looked at me made everything inside melt like a damn chocolate cake.
He froze as my hands lashed around his waist.
Then he jerked backward, his forehead furrowed. “Whoa, I thought the frisky business was supposed to wait until after your chores.”
My brain was erotically fogged—thanks to him, kisses, and sweet confessions. Errands shmrands. Who cared about such trivial stuff when I could be in bed with him? “Meh, I think I’ve changed my mind.”
I took a step closer, intending to grab his t-shirt and drag him cavewoman style into my lair. However, he practically sprinted to the door and opened it with a chivalrous bow.
What the hell?
He laughed uncomfortably. “Sorry, hugs make me nervous. Let’s go, shall we?” Not waiting for me, he disappeared into the corridor where his loud sigh met my ears.
What on earth was that about?
We’d hugged before—when we said goodbye at his place, during sex, and at the river. Those instances he hadn’t been hugaphobic.
Looking at Visa, I mouthed, “Men. Maybe I should shack up with Polly, after all.” At least women were pretty easy to read. ‘I’m fine’ meant do better or leave me alone. Men? What did refusing a hug mean?
Had he had enough of me?
Or was there something deeper I needed to figure out?
“Ves, time’s a ticking.” His voice hacked through my fumbling questions.
Giving Visa one last uncertain look, I dashed from my home and prepared to go shopping with my boyfriend.
* * *
“This is where you wanted to come?” Ryder glanced through the windscreen; his forehead furrowed in the car-park lights while stars twinkled above.
“I didn’t really want to come. But I had no choice. The online purchasing we normally do is down, and we ran out of a few pieces. We’ll put in a new order tomorrow, but this will tide us over until they arrive.”
Opening my door, I slipped out into the cooler night. It didn’t make sense that this town could be so hot during the day and so nippy at night.
Ryder followed me, locking the Mustang with a beep beep of his keys. Walking side by side, my hand itched to hold his, but I didn’t reach out. I’d learned my lesson thanks to the unwanted hug incident.
What did I do wrong?
I hated that the confidence and joy I’d felt about us as a couple had switched to uncertainty and sadness.
All I wanted was a hug. He’d kissed me. A hug was a downgrade from a kiss, right? So why had he run?
Ugh, stop thinking about it.
Normally, I loved shopping for all creatures big and small. I wouldn’t let one little hiccup ruin the evening.
Reaching the large doors of the huge pet warehouse that opened last year, he let me enter before following.
“Wow.” I blinked. “They weren't lying when they said it was giant. This place is freaking massive.” Before us sat a ginormous building with rows and rows of food, bedding, toys, and other animal paraphernalia.
In the distance, fish tanks glowed and beached shipwrecks for beautifying home aquariums gave a sinister forgotten vibe. The rest of the space was painted in bright purples and pinks and greens, each labelling a different zone as reptiles, birds, dogs, rabbits, and cats.
I didn’t approve of animals being sold in pet stores, but I couldn’t judge seeing as I’d bought Visa from one. I’d already been called a hypocrite by Ryder once. It wasn’t on my to do list again.
“This is the shameful creation of mass consumerism.” Ryder headed to the left, beelining for a shopping basket. “Better get indulging.”
I quickly trotted after him. “Eh, I hate to say this but that won’t be big enough.”
His eyes widened. “I thought you said just a few supplies.”
I looked at my feet. Crap, I didn’t want my stupid secret to come out so soon but I guess I had no way around it. I could lie and say everything I was about to buy was for the store with a small mark-up to warrant my time and the convenience of our customers but really, it was beyond that.
He read my reluctance. “Ves?”
I threw my hands up. “Look, I have a problem…okay?”
“Okay…problem. Spit it out.” His gaze warmed. “Do you have a twin you’re keeping a secret? How about a porn stash?”
His joking didn’t put me at ease. It only made nerves have babies which multiplied into more nerves.
Stalking past him, I grabbed a trolley and wheeled it quickly down the first aisle. The minor OCD in me meant I couldn’t just go down one aisle at random. I had to see everything that was on offer because who knew if I wanted to buy it or not?
It would be a lot better for my wallet if I stuck to a shopping list and only went down the aisle required. But I had to have one vice. I didn’t do drugs. Didn’t drink to excess. A little bit of over obsessive-compulsive shopping habits never hurt anyone.
Unless I bankrupt myself.
Ryder chased after me, sticking his hands in his pockets. “So…are you going to tell me what your problem is or do I need to panic?” He scooted in front of me, walking backward to keep eye contact. “Are you a kitten serial killer and here for lime and a kitten size saw?”
My heart lurched at such a barbaric image. “Oh my God, don’t even joke about such things, you monster.”
He laughed. “Relax…after seeing you dealing with animals, you’d sooner turn the saw on yourself than cause any harm to another.”
“Damn right.”
“Okay then, so what’s the big secret?”
I clammed up. He’d call me idiotic. He’d march me to the nearest bank and force me to look at my empty account and admit that I had other priorities than this.
“If you don’t want to spit it out, I’ll try and guess.”
I glanced at him through my curls. “All right, this should be fun.” My attention slipped to a new brand of puppy chow as we strolled down the dog feed aisle. The smell of dried meet and kibble itched my nose.
“What do I get if I guess right?”
“Umm, my respect.”
He laughed. “Do I need your respect for you to sleep with me?”
I cocked my head. “It helps.”
“Okay, well, yay, I’ll earn your respect.” He lowered his jaw, watching me from shadowed eyes. “If I guess, you’ll let me do anything I want tonight.” His eyes held his own secrets. “Deal?”
I scrunched up my nose. “I don’t know. I’m not sure I like the glint in your gaze.”
“Glint? There’s no glint.” He swiped his face with a hand. “See? Definitely no glint.” He laughed under his breath. “Come on. It’s either let me do what I want or put some money on the table to make it interesting.”
I gulped.
Money.
“I’m not a gambler.”
“Neither am I. ”
I sighed. “Look, it’s not that big a secret.”
He leaned in, enveloping me in a delicious cloud of sexy aftershave. “One question. Does Polly know about this secret?”
Now that I could answer safely. “Polly knows everything about me.”
“And now I want to know everything about you.”
“Not this you don’t.” I pushed past him with the trolley. Not looking at him, I bent to haul a twenty-kilogram bag of organic and no chemicals or additives dog food.
“Hey, let me get that.” Ryder shoved me aside and scooped up the bag easily before placing it neatly in the trolley. “There you go. See…teamwork.”
I gave him a weak smile. Why did I think bringing him here was a good idea?
Ugh, I’m such an idiot.
The overhead lights were suddenly far too bright—almost interrogation bright—as we continued down the aisle and I stopped to grab another bag of dog food, only this time it was for puppies aged three to twelve months.
“Let me.” Ryder once again placed the bag on top of the other.
And away we went again. With a squeak of trolley wheels and some crooner on the overhead speakers.
Why hasn’t he tried to guess yet?
Turning right, we headed down the next aisle. This was the feline section.
In went two bags of kitty chow and a bottle of glucosamine for older arthritic cats that I subscribed to patients and believed it worked for joint health even if some vets didn’t think such things.
By the time we were in the third aisle where collars, leashes, and squeaky toys littered the space in an array of diamantes and rainbow fashions, Ryder murmured, “Whatever you’re keeping from me, I don’t think it’s a bad secret. Just tell me...”
I made the mistake of looking up .
His hazel eyes grappled mine into submission. “Please?”
I swallowed hard. “Um…”
Ryder strolled around me, stopping to finger a dog collar with pretty heart shaped cubic zirconias indented into the pink leather. “Okay, answer me this.” Pointing at the quickly filling trolley, he asked, “Just how much of these supplies are for your clinic?”
A sudden hot flush raced up my spine. “We haven’t gotten there yet. But I’d say I need a couple of dog bowls, a rabbit nail clipper, some bird seed, and a few puppy pads for toilet training.”
“See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?” He prowled around me again, his hand making contact with my waist to trail around my spine to the other side. “So, the massive amounts of dog and cat food you just put in that groaning trolley…who is that for? Do you have a dog I don’t know about? Visa is a strong-willed cat but I doubt her attitude requires feeding that much.”
“We do feed the animals at the practice while they heal from surgery, you know.”
He nodded seriously. “I believe that without a doubt. So that’s where this is going? Updating your supplies for all the critters in recovery?”
It would be so easy to nod and keep my secret. But I couldn’t do that. Not to him. Not to myself.
It’s nothing to be guilty about.
No, it wasn’t. But it was when I was embarrassed to admit it out loud.
Ryder plucked a black studded collar from the rack and came up behind me. Pressing his front against my back, he looped the collar around my throat, trapping my hair around my neck. Claustrophobia clawed all while I became instantly wet, trembling at the idea of what he would do to me shackled and bound.
“You still agree to do anything I want if I guess right?”
I couldn’t breathe.
“Better answer me, Ves.” His breath tickled the curls against my cheek.
I swayed backward, connecting my ass with his hard cock. Instead of words, I gave him an inviting moan. “Uh huh…”
“Trying to play dirty won’t help you.” The collar was whipped away. With quick hands, Ryder placed it into the trolley where it sat weighty and full of dirty promises on top of the dog food. “I have a few more questions and then I might be ready to guess.”
Moving away a little, he selected a rainbow lead with orange, purple, and turquoise beads stuck on the nylon and ran it through his hands. “Do you plan on using the food you’ve selected in any way for the animals in your care or your own pets?”
“I already said yes to some. For the animals recovering.”
“That’s it, though?”
“Yes…”
Dangnamit, where is he going with this?
He rubbed his jaw. “And you still haven’t shopped for what you need at Tales of Tails. Correct?”
Goosebumps returned with a vengeance. I stupidly felt as if I stood on unstable ground, slowly hollowed out more and more as Ryder questioned. “Yes.”
“How often do you pick up supplies of this quantity?”
I dropped my gaze. “Once a week.”
He tensed. “Once a week ? Wow, you have some very hungry beasts relying on you.” He fell silent, the whirring of his brain filling the silence between us.
“I’ve been in every zone in your vet practice, and I’ve never seen a store room with space to keep so much merchandise. Do you buy and store somewhere else?”
Crap, he’s getting warmer.
“You could say that.”
“Do you buy and give them to someone else?”
I should scream Polo because his question was the perfect Marco.
“Maybe. ”
“You do know how questions and answers work, Ves. ‘Maybe’ doesn’t cut it.” He moved closer, his black sneakers silent on the linoleum. “Yes or no?”
“Yes or no to what?”
He smirked, knowing he’d prodded a nerve. “Do you buy this for someone else?”
I desperately wanted to drop my head, but I held his gaze. I couldn’t force my lips to say the damning words though. So we ended up staring. Our hearts pumped harder, our tongues licked bottom lips as chemistry and electricity demanded physical contact.
Ryder murmured, “You do know I care for lots of dogs and have firsthand knowledge on how expensive keeping a tribe is, right?”
I swallowed, doing my best to avoid looking at his luscious lips and thinking how damn much I wanted to kiss him. “Yes.”
“And I’m also aware of what it would cost approximately to operate a veterinary surgery and the estimated income you and Polly would earn.”
“How would you know that?” I curled into myself.
“Basic Google and the knowledge of median salaries in the area.”
I rubbed my forehead, doing my best not to look guilty for something I hadn’t done. Unfortunately, he made me take ownership of something I’d long indulged even when I knew it was harming me. “Wow, you must be good at math.”
“I’m okay with numbers…you could say that.” Hovering his hand over the trolley, he let the rainbow lead slip from his fingers, slithering with a colourful ribbon into the growing pile.
“Are you by any chance heading over to Babble Brook Avenue after this?”
Shit, he knows.
I shook my head. “Look, I’m allowed to do what I want with the money I earn, okay? Even if it means—”
His eyes narrowed. His body whip straight. “Means what?”
“Nothing. ”
Way to go, Ves.
Ryder encroached, pushing me with sheer force of his charisma into the racks holding doggy jackets and dress-up outfits. “You donate all of this to the shelter on Babble Brook. Don’t you?”
This time, I didn’t drop my eyes.
I puffed out my chest. “Yes. So what?”
“So what ?” He frowned. “There is no ‘so what.’” His features softened, his eyes glossed with such affection, it drowned my achy breaky heart. “Vesper, that makes you a goddam angel and you already had a halo for everything else that you are.”
“Don’t say that.” His awe made me doubly uncomfortable. “Many people give to causes in need.”
“No, they don’t.” He shook his head sadly. “Surprisingly, it’s entirely too low.”
“Well, even more reason to do it.”
“I agree completely.” His face shadowed. “I—I do the same thing.”
“I know. You’re so generous with rescuing the dogs and paying for their care and rehabilitation. I’m not the one with a halo, Ry. It’s you.”
He chuckled, embarrassed. “Wrong. I’m just paying it forward for the blessing my parents gave me.”
He didn’t elaborate, and I didn’t ask. It was the first time he’d mentioned his parents and although I was desperately curious about them and his older brother, I didn’t pry. We had plenty of time to learn about each other.
My heart should’ve been lighter that he’d guessed my secret and wasn’t horrified.
You didn’t give him all the facts.
Facts? What were facts? He knew I did a large donation once a week to the same shelter he rescued dogs for. What was better than knowing we both got a kick out of charity?
It’s fine.
We’re fine .
I would be rewarded with having him do naughty things to me when we got home. The rest didn’t matter.
Only, it did.
I sighed heavily, pushing on the trolley to either run away or find the courage to tell him the rest. I’d never been good at half admission—even if it wasn’t technically any of his business. I was the girl no one would skip class with as I could never keep a secret because of the damn guilt festering inside me.
Ryder pecked my cheek, keeping pace with my squeaky wheels. “I didn’t think I could like you any more than I do, Ves. My heart is so goddamn full right now.”
Oh, God.
I couldn’t hide it.
I wanted to hide it.
But I couldn’t lie because I couldn’t jeopardise a future with him—a future I wanted more than anything.
Keeping my eyes straight ahead, my hands latched around the plastic handlebar. “There’s more.”
“More?” He slammed to a halt. Grabbing my elbow, he forced me to do the same. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, I give everything I can.”
“And that’s fucking admirable.” He smiled so sweetly. “Vesper, you don’t have to justify it. I get that desire, that drive, that obsession to help. If you feel guilty because you get contentedness from helping others, don’t. That’s a good thing. You’re doing a good thing—”
“Let me finish.” I couldn’t let him derail me or accept his understanding when he didn’t have the full story. I’d been ostracised because of this. My parents wanted nothing to do with me because of this.
It was kind of a big deal even though to an outsider there was a simple, logical solution. However, it wasn’t an easy solution to me. I had no intention of fixing my little issue. It was what I needed to do. End of story.
“Okay…” Ryder took a step back, crossing his arms. His st ance lost its affection, bracing himself for bad news.
Was it bad news?
Not really.
But it showed I had flaws and a few pieces of battered and well-travelled baggage that would have to be accepted or kicked to the curb because I would not, could not , stop donating.
I can’t.
I sucked in a deep breath. “The thought of animals in the world, alone, cold, unloved, and hurting breaks me. I became a vet because I couldn’t become anything else. This love for creatures was there since birth. I don’t cry if I hear of people hurt or when I watch the awful things we do to each other on TV. But put a puppy in a drainpipe or a box of abandoned bunnies in the river and I’m a freaking mess.”
I stiffened, warming to my speech. “Every day, there are so many little souls being destroyed in shelters because of lack of resources. It consumes me. I don’t have room to keep them at home. I don’t have money to adopt them all and give them a better life. All I can do is heal their pain and donate everything I can so their bellies are full, they have somewhere comfy to sleep, and their minds are occupied with toys to play with. It’s nothing in the scheme of things but it’s—”
“Wait.” Ryder went still. “When you say you give everything you can…”
My shoulders stiffened. “There’s a reason why I live in a shitty apartment when even three-bedroom houses in this town are very affordable. Did you think I drive a 1995 Honda Accord that breaks down every month because I want to?”
Oh, God.
He’ll hate me. He’ll look at me as if I’m an idiot—just like my parents.
Ryder pinched the bridge of his nose. “What are you saying? That you put the donations first and you second?”
When he said it like that, it was moronic. I knew that. Everyone knew that. I came first because if I didn’t look after me how was I supposed to look after anyone else? But how could I buy a soft blanket when so many dogs slept with nothing? How could I buy expensive cheese for a treat when cats were dying of starvation? Every time I went shopping for myself, I drowned beneath guilt and ended up choosing basic necessities and nothing else.
Everything else went to those who couldn’t ask for help.
I sighed heavily. “And there you have my stupid secret.” Pushing the trolley, I wheeled past him, taking my shame and doing my best to wrap it up with pride. I was proud of what I did. I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t find some selfish pleasure in arriving at the shelter with my car full of goodies and giving to those hopelessly adorable strays.
But I had enough grief from my parents telling me how stupid I was. I’d made the mistake of opening a new credit card and listing their address for delivery. A statement had been posted and, because my parents didn’t believe in privacy, they’d opened it.
And the shit hit the fan.
I lived pay cheque to pay cheque and because it wasn’t enough to donate what I wanted, I lived on credit.
Along with my student loans and start-up business debt, I was not in a good place.
And it was my moronic fault.
But if I didn’t do it, how many lives would’ve been lost if I didn’t share what I had?
That question kept me awake far too often.
The one and only time I’d tried to stop—to avoid my weekly donation and feed myself some better food and turn the heaters on higher in winter—I just couldn’t do it. The guilt was far stronger at not helping than the guilt at burying myself under bills.
Polly, bless her heart, had joined me in my quest for donating. While we studied at university together, we even pooled our meagre part-time wages from the local supermarket into buying what we could. If it wasn’t for her, I probably wouldn’t even have my crappy apartment. She’d been the co-leaser as my income wasn’t enough to secure it, even though she had her own place.
God, I’ve screwed up my life.
Suddenly, hands landed on my shoulders, twirled me around, and heavy arms enveloped me.
I stood frozen as the best man I knew bear hugged me in the middle of the kitty dress-up aisle. For a moment, I didn’t move, then my arms returned the embrace, my hands linking behind his back and squeezing so damn hard.
My cheek pressed against his chest, his heartbeat loud in my ear. His chin rested on my head as he clutched me tighter and tighter.
But it wasn’t the tightness, or the way he held me that made tears pool in my eyes. It was the depth in which we stood. It felt as if we were the only ones in an ocean of sensation and unspoken emotion. Something tethered me to him. Something strong and undeniable and foreign but familiar.
This wasn’t just a hug.
This was a transmission of everything living between us that hadn’t found the courage to be voiced.
Before I could pinpoint exactly what the hug meant and decipher the hidden message in the way we clung to each other, Ryder pulled away and kissed me.
His lips claimed mine, switching the potent hug into a sensual lip dance. By the time the kiss ended, I was slightly breathless and holding onto his hip bones for support.
Resting his forehead against mine, he murmured, “What am I going to do with you, Vesper Fairfax?”
I was sick of the heaviness of the evening. I wanted fun again. I didn’t want to worry about my negative bank balance. I didn’t want to feel unworthy when I had nothing but debt to offer this man.
When Ryder was in my world, I could breathe and focus on living rather than worry about tomorrow. “I would like to know that too, Ryder Carson. After all, you have full permission to do whatever you want to me tonight. You guessed my secret.”
“Your secret will be cherished and never repeated.” He kissed me again. Pulling away, his smile turned into a grin, guiding me back into the light-hearted games we played. “And you’re right. I have full authority to do whatever I want to you tonight. You better be prepared.”
I matched his smile, letting go and floating free. “Any hints?”
“Let’s just say, I hope you’re horny.”
“All the time when I’m around you.”
“In that case, tonight is gonna be super fun.” His gaze darkened. “And hot. And fucking downright sinful.”
I shivered. “Come on…one little hint.”
“Nope.” Letting me go, he gathered another couple of collars: a red and orange one, the pink one I’d admired, and a baby blue with silver stars on the band before dropping them into the trolley with a mismatch of leads.“Might as well stock up on a few supplies for my own menagerie while we’re here.”
Winking, he walked away. “Although, you never know who else might need collaring tonight for being such a naughty girl.”