CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
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Vesper
THE LOG I SAT ON was a perfect thinking, crying, plotting stool.
I stared at the river, where a few weeks ago, I’d been on all fours with Ryder inside me and dogs running recklessly free.
Now, I was alone and contemplating what was the right thing.
I should walk away and give him the freedom to claim his child. I should forget about him and put him back into the client box.
But why should I do that?
It would only grant me pain. Many couples had children with other people. It was never a simple arrangement with exes who became part of the marriage with holiday custody and collection times but if they could make it work, we could.
Couldn’t we?
I wish I’d run to Polly rather than the river. I really needed to talk to someone rather than driving myself crazy with these questions.
A twig snapped behind me, wrenching my head up.
Ryder held up his hands. “Just me. I’m not going to bite.”
Images of him lip-locked with Michelle and other stomach curdling thoughts of him screwing his childhood girlfriend to make little Nate overwhelmed me.
I shook my head and shot up. “I need some time alone.” I followed the river’s edge deeper into shadow.
However, Ryder didn’t let me go easily. Chasing me, he never broke out of a steady walk but his voice licked me from behind. “She doesn’t mean anything, Ves. She’s part of my past. I’m over it.”
Could’ve fooled me with the anger boiling off you.
“I was mad for a long time. She spread some rumours about me when we were kids. It sort of ruined my teenage years. But ten minutes ago, I got over it. I don’t give a shit anymore.”
I sucked in a breath. Could he mean that?
“What I do give a shit about is why you’re running away from me.” His voice lowered. “Can we talk about this, please?”
I shook my head again, swallowing tears so he didn’t see them on my cheeks.
I kept walking.
He kept chasing.
“Vesper, stop. This is stupid.”
“Stupid? Contemplating if I should break up with you for your own happiness isn't stupid, Ryder. It’s the most selfless, painful thing I’ve ever considered.”
His footfalls stopped. “Whoa, what? Why would you break up with me?”
“Because—” My throat closed up. I forced my body to keep moving.
“Because?” Twigs and pebbles sounded louder as he increased his speed, catching up with me.
Instinct made me break into a jog. “Leave me alone. I need some time.”
I only earned a few steps before large hands grabbed my shoulders, spun me around, and crushed my back against a weeping willow. The delicate stems and spear-shaped leaves framed us in a curtain wonderland. “Don’t run away from me, Ves, and don’t fucking think about breaking up with me.” He glared. “Who else can I call in the middle of the night for my rescues? Who else can I be myself with?”
I sniffed. “I’d still be your vet. But our boundaries would have to be very clear.”
“What boundaries?”
“The boundaries of no touching, no reminiscing, no discussing what we shared at any time.”
“And why the hell would I agree to that?”
I blinked. “Because you ought to be with Michelle.”
He exploded with laughter. “Oh, I should, should I? You suddenly hate me enough to lump me with a cold witch like her?”
“But she—”
“She has nothing on you. Nothing. Believe me. If I had met you when I met her, there would never have been any competition. I would’ve taken one look at you and known you were it for me. I wouldn’t have cared about age. I would’ve lost my virginity to you. I would’ve fucking married you. I wasn’t a kid who thought the grass was greener on the other side. When I know, I know.” His hands cupped my cheeks. “And, Ves, I know you’re mine as much as I’m yours. We’re it. No if, buts, or maybes. Got it?”
“But—”
“There’s that word again.”
“What about—”
“Another version of but. Not gonna let you ruin what we have, Vesper. Stop thinking I still have feelings for someone who I honestly haven’t thought about in eleven years.”
I stiffened.
He just lied.
It’s less than eleven years.
“But Nate—”
“What the hell does her kid have to do with this?”
Frustration at him talking over me made me blurt. “If you let me speak for two damn seconds, I’d tell you!”
He smirked, his thumbs caressing my shoulders, somehow activating the tipsiness in my blood and making me mellow just a little. “Okay, little firecracker, go on. I won’t interrupt.” He zipped his lips dramatically. “Promise.”
I swallowed, mentally preparing to slice through our future. “Nate is yours.”
He froze. “What?”
“Michelle. She told me that Nate is yours and he’s the reason she hunted you down. She wants you to take her back because he’s your son .”
For a second, Ryder looked as angry with me as he had with her.
But then his lips slowly twitched, followed by a loud laugh. “I knew that’s why she came. Wow, she really hasn’t changed.” He shook his head. “You know, I actually feel sorry for her. Can you believe that? For so long, I felt sorry for me because of what she did but all along, I should’ve felt sorry for her.”
He trampled all over my heart.
He felt sorry for her now?
God, when will this day end?
My fingernails wedged into my palms. “That might be the case, and I’m glad you don’t hate her anymore, but what the hell does that have to do about Nate?”
“You don’t need to worry about Nate. Nothing’s changed.”
“ Everything has changed, Ry! Don’t you see!? You have a kid. She still wants you. You have responsibilities now. Who the hell am I to stand in the way of that?”
“You’re my fucking soulmate, that’s who you are.” Ryder’s outburst shocked both of us. Stalking toward me, his hands cupped my cheeks as his body pressed me against the tree. “Vesper, you are me. I’m myself with you. I’m free with you. If you think you’re going to take that freedom away from me, then you should never have agreed to let me take you home and tend to you while you were sick.”
“Um, I seem to remember you telling, not asking. I had no choice.”
“Just like I had no choice when I fell for you.”
I bit my lip. “You did?”
He grinned. “After everything I’ve just said, you still doubt that I’m in love with you?”
My stomach installed a trapeze and swooped like a sky artist. “You are?”
“So, so fucking much.” His lips landed on mine. “I’m in love with you. I love you. I adore you. I thought you knew.”
“How would I know?”
“Every time I hug you, I tell you. You don’t feel it?”
A small smile pulled my mouth. “I wondered. I felt something. I’m sure you felt my answer.”
He nodded. “I did. And if it’s not too bold of me to say but you love me too, don’t you?”
Now was the time to either shatter him so he could return to a woman he didn’t love and raise a kid he didn’t even know he had, or admit the truth and keep him and deal with shared custody as adults. I let sanity and common-sense rule over a bruised and juvenile heart.
“I do. I’m in love with you. I think I’ve loved you since you found my lifetime supply of tampons and made a joke about it.”
“It was a pretty big box of tampons.” He cocked his head at the river. “I bet if you tossed them all in Thorn River, it would dry up.”
I swatted his shoulder. “Okay, one joke was enough. I don’t need any more. ”
His finger hooked under my chin, tilting it upward. “You know, I just lied about when I fell in love with you. It wasn’t when you were sick.”
“Okay…”
“I knew I loved you before that.”
“Don’t tell me it was love at first sight with the first wiener you brought in?”
“No, Heineken wasn’t when it happened.” He kissed me softly. “It was your sexy faceplant into my man jewels that did it.” He chuckled. “I thought to myself, ‘Now there’s a woman who knows what she wants.’”
I cringed. “Oh , God . One time. Seriously, will I never live that down?”
“It depends how long you put up with me and remain mine.” The lightheartedness in his eyes faded a little. “Please, Ves. Don’t let Michelle ruin what’s so damn right between us.”
I sighed. “I wasn’t letting her ruin it. I was trying to do the right thing.”
“Ah yes, because Nate is my son.”
“You’re acting mightily blasé about this fact. I know you don’t mind animals, but a child is slightly different.” I did my best at adding joviality to an otherwise awkward conversation. “After all, you can’t put him in the kennel with some dried food and a water bowl and expect him to survive.”
“Oh, I know. And I have no intention of homing him in a barn or otherwise.”
“But you have no choice. He’s yours—”
“He’s not mine.”
“But—”
“She lied.” He smirked. “Again. She’s rather good at it.”
“What—what do you mean?”
“I mean she lied when she told the school I had crabs and lied again when she told you Nate was mine. I haven’t been with her since I was eighteen. I’m twenty-nine now. That means Nate would have to be…”
“Ten at least. ”
“Exactly.” Ryder smiled. “And I just asked him before his mother could bullshit how old he was. Guess what he answered.”
“Well, if he’s that old, he looks mighty young for his age.” I squinted. “I don’t know kids. Animals, yes, but children aren’t my speciality.”
“He’s seven, Ves. A full four years on top of me ever going near that woman.”
The relief flooding through me played silly buggers with my legs and they wobbled. “You mean—”
“The only kid in our lives is the one we cook together—if and when we decide we want to add more to our zoo other than just dogs, cats, and a pig or two.”
“Oh, thank God.” I wrapped my arms around his neck. “This…ugh, this is the best news I’ve ever heard.”
“Even better than hearing that I love you?”
“Okay, second best.”
“Damn right.” He kissed my cheek. “Now, if any other disgruntled lovers try to scare you off with illegitimate babies or other heinous lies, can you please run toward me instead of away, so I can fix it?”
I leaned back. “Wait…just how many other disgruntled lovers am I expecting here?”
His eyes twinkled. “Uh oh, are we about to have the conversation where we admit how many people we’ve been with? Isn’t that opening a can of worms?” He scrunched up his handsome face. “As far as I’m concerned, you were a born-again-virgin when we met and no one else has had the privilege of having you.”
The idea of leaving the past in the past was the right thing, even though I did want to know. But then it would just torture me if he’d been with a lot. It was best not to know. Curiosity would kill the cat in that respect.
He groaned. “You want to know, don’t you?”
All my adult reasoning went poof.
Yes .
I froze. “Not if you don’t want—”
“Fine, now that I’m thinking about ghosts of lovers past, all I can see is massive numbers of men I need to kill.” His face fell. “It’s not massive numbers, right?”
“We really opened Pandora’s box, huh?”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “Yep. But I guess if we’re gonna open it all the way, we should do it together.”
“What? Like blurt our previous lover tally at the same time?”
“Exactly.” His face darkened. “That way, we won’t be swayed to lie depending on what the other person said.”
This could backfire so bad.
My sexual history was one big dry spell. There’d been Owen who earned my virginity, John who lasted two months before his failed sex skills annoyed me, and me, myself, and I. Oh, and wait, there’d been Scott at university, but he didn’t count as he’d only been one night.
You can’t lie.
Okay, fine. I was twenty-four.
Three men was low right?
Nerves ricocheted down my spine.
I bundled up all the sincerity and love I had for him. “I want to pre-caveat this by saying that whatever number we admit, you’re the only one I’ve ever felt myself with. You’re the only one I think about, dream about, and want every hour of every day.”
He swallowed, looking slightly ill. “I was just about to say the same thing. Sex was just sex before you. What we have is fun and pleasure and freedom all mixed up in one kickass fucking bliss.”
I smiled softly. “In that case, let’s go. On the count of three.” I took a deep breath. “One, two…”
“Three.”
“Three.”
Ryder blinked. “Wait, are we counting down or admitting a number? ”
I groaned. “Why was this not simple?”
He pressed his forehead against mine. “Wait…three. That’s your tally?”
I hesitated. “And three is yours?”
His face melted into a relieved grin. “We’re the same?”
“You’re my fourth,” I said. “I’m yours, too?”
He nodded. “Lucky and last fourth. Who said third time was the charm?”
We fell into each other’s arms. I’d never been so jelly legged or heart full. “Thank God that’s over and done with.”
Everything else fell away.
Knowing he hadn’t been promiscuous blanketed me with relief. What we had truly was worth searching and waiting for. However, even if he’d been a man-whore, I doubted I would’ve been able to stop loving him.
But having his tally equal mine was much nicer. I wasn’t going to lie.
After squeezing the living daylights out of each other, Ryder murmured, “Seeing as we were so rudely interrupted before. How about we finish what we started?” He backed me once again against the tree, his fingers tickling my knee as he bent to scoop up my hem.
Instantly, my body picked up where we left off, tingling for him.
My head fell back as I let my legs spread a little. “I wouldn’t be opposed to more outdoor sex.”
He shuddered, taking his time climbing my trembling thigh. “I think we need to return to basics and remember exactly why we fell in love with each other in the first place.”
Something Michelle said itched the back of my mind.
I stiffened.
What did she mean about loving and not being gentle?
Ryder sensed my sudden hesitation. His fingers paused. “Are you okay?”
I bit my lip, wishing I could ignore it but knowing if I didn’t bring it up now, I would never have the guts and always wonder. Dropping my gaze, I whispered, “She said you were really gentle with her. That being gentle meant you loved her more than you love me because we get it on in random places and sometimes do it rough.”
Ryder frowned. “She never knew me, Ves. Hell, I didn’t know me back then.” He nuzzled into my neck. “I’ll let you into a little secret—the same secret I told her after she tried to kiss me. Up until you, I’ve kept my desires on the down low. I’ve never been this free with anyone. When I take you hard, or if we role play, or have a quickie in places we shouldn’t, it turns me on so damn much and makes me fall even harder. The fact we aren’t gentle means I love you more than I’ve loved anyone because I’m relaxed and happy with you.”
Cupping my face, he brushed my lips with his. “And for the record, the only people I’ve ever loved are Rupe, Hippo, and my parents. And about a thousand dogs but I’m sure you can understand.”
“I understand.” I returned his soft kiss. “I think if we had to give away pieces of our hearts to every animal that’s ever touched us, we would’ve gone through a billion by now.”
“And that is why we’re so bloody perfect for each other.” He kissed me harder. “Because we share that connection and understand it.” His kiss turned deeper, his tongue slipping into my mouth.
As we fought to get closer, his fingers once again returned to their task of pushing aside my underwear and finding how wet I was from our tete-a-tete in the corridor.
“Christ, Ves, I’m never going to get enough of you.”
His finger slid to hook inside me.
I shivered in bliss. “I’ll never get enough of you.”
Kissing madly, touching wildly, we somehow managed to get his belt unbuckled and jeans pushed down to free his cock.
The moment he fisted my hair, consumed my lips, and thrust into me, I was one hundred percent complete.
He filled me so well.
He rode me so perfectly.
His lips fastened on my neck as his hips pumped and hands roamed.
“You feel so good,” he murmured. “So—” He thrust. “Unbelievably—” He ground against me. “ Good .” He wrenched back my hair and kissed me.
His pumps grew faster, harder.
I couldn’t escape.
I was his.
To ride, fuck, and adore.
I lost myself to him.
I gave in to the primal rhythm of being fucked by this wonderful man.
Made love to by my soulmate.
With every rock and jerk, our bodies tightened, shivered, gathered.
Bliss billowed in my core.
His cock kept stroking me, nudging me in that perfect, mind-shattering way.
“I’m coming to come,” he grunted. “I’m so fucking sensitive and you’re far too wet and hot. You’re driving me insane, Ves.” Kissing me, he begged, “Please say I can come. Say you’re ready to fall with me.”
I smiled and kissed him back. “I’ve already fallen for you.”
“And I’m grateful.” He smirked. “But I really need you to fall off the other cliff, so I don’t embarrass myself and leave you hanging.”
“Guess I can do that.”
He laughed. “I won’t give you a choice.” His hand burrowed between my legs. “I’m going to make you come right here, right now, and then I’m going to take you home and put that cute cat collar around your throat and make you purr for me.”
I shuddered. “Now you’re just playing dirty.”
“Do you like it?”
My core fisted him.
He sucked in a tattered breath. “I’ll take that as a yes.” He grinned with love blazing in his eyes. “I can talk all kinds of filth to you, my little vet. Anytime you want.”
I rewarded him with a flush of wetness as his cock pumped and his fingers found my clit and good God .
I arched in his hold.
Everything tingled, tangled… “Oh, God .”
“I fucking love it when you surrender to me, VV.”
I moaned harder.
“I’m gonna ravish you and punish you and praise you and get on my fucking knees for you for the rest of my life.” He thrust in as hard as he could go, completely consuming me. “Feel that? Feel how much you own me? My cock is yours. My heart is yours. Now come for me so I can give you everything else.”
“Yes. Yes …” I couldn’t breathe as he pushed me higher, higher.
“You like that?” He bit my ear. “Knowing that you rule me? That I’m head over heels for you?”
I nodded. “So much.”
He pinched my clit and bit my throat. “Then come . Milk me. Put me out of my misery before I have a damn heart attack.”
I giggled then groaned as he thrust into me with quick, sharp, punishing little pumps.
It felt so good.
So, so good.
“God, Ry.”
“Christ, don’t call me that. I can’t—I’m so close. Shit.” His forehead slammed against mine. “I’m so close, Ves. Ah God, I can’t…I can’t stop it.” His lips opened wide. A guttural growl escaped him. “I’m… fuck you turn me on so much.” He groaned like a tortured thing and let go. “I’m coming. God dammit , I’m coming—”
The first splash of his release activated mine.
I detonated.
We pulsed and groaned together.
Wakes of ecstasy washed over both of us, binding us as one.
I was exactly where I was meant to be.
With exactly the person I was meant to be with.
We were done searching.
We were home.
We were two happy people, sticky and messy, and madly in love against the willow tree.
Just a girl with a boy on a riverbank.
Forever.