Chapter 10
Julia
“How many plants do you need?” Kincaid asked, and I heard the trepidation in his tone. I held back a snort, doing my best not to laugh at him. After all, he was on an afternoon date with Ronin and me, doing something very domestic—plant shopping for my garden.
“I have a setup in mind,” I said, pulling out my tablet. “I even drew up my plans, but some areas are filled with what inspires me given what we see. That way, I’m not too disappointed if they don’t have the exact blooms I had in mind.”
Kincaid gave me a look, and I blushed.
“What?” I asked.
“You amaze me more every day.”
My heart flooded with happiness, and I smiled at him.
I looked over at Ronin, who had his hands in his pockets.
He looked between us, a small smile playing on his face, and, oh, I wished I could read my husband’s mind.
Kincaid might joke that we could hear each other’s thoughts, but not in reality.
I wanted to know what my husband was thinking, what he wanted, what he thought of Kincaid every day.
Hopefully, soon, I would figure that out. But for now, we were on a day-date and looking for plants.
“You don’t have to pick out anything,” I said. “You do have to be my heavy labor person, though.”
Kincaid groaned. “Great. I’m so excited.”
“You don’t have to sound too enthusiastic.” Ronin shook his head. “This is one of our favorite days, and you’re going to get sweaty. Really sweaty.” Ronin practically groaned when he said it, and I pressed my lips together, holding back a laugh.
“Okay, enough of that. We could play who gets sweatier faster later. For now, we are going to get two of those carts there and start looking for pallets.”
“Did she say pallets?” Kincaid asked.
“Oh, she said pallets. Why do you think she and I have been digging out the beds for the past three weeks?”
“I don’t know. How full do your gardens get?”
I turned and looked at him, my tablet in my hands. “Pretty full. I love plants. I may be analytical and love science, but I have a green thumb.”
“I do not.” Kincaid looked down at his hands. “They’re pretty black. If I touch anything, it could die. I don’t want to be responsible for that.”
I snorted. “I don’t believe in black thumbs. Just the idea that you need a little more help. And if you do not want to help with digging or planting, you don’t have to. You can stand and brood and watch me bend over.”
“You know, I don’t know about the brooding, but I could definitely watch the bending.”
He leaned over and kissed me on the lips, and I was aware that Ronin still had his hand on my hip.
Others could see us connected, but I didn’t care anymore.
We weren’t hiding, we hadn’t been, but we hadn’t been truly open either.
Nobody was paying attention to us, and I was grateful for that.
One small step at a time, I told myself.
Kincaid seemed to realize what he was doing and pulled away, blushing. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” I gave him my free hand, squeezed his, then leaned over and kissed Ronin on the lips. “We’re doing this, right?” I asked, far more scared than my tone let on.
But Ronin seemed to read my mind, even though I had told myself he couldn’t. “We are. Now, come and tell us where you want us.”
“Oh, so many wicked ways. I could have fun with that.” We laughed, and the three of us moved our way through the nursery, our carts filling up quickly.
“These are beautiful,” I said, leaning over a small garlic bush. “They get little purple blooms.”
“It’s garlic?” Kincaid asked.
“Yes, come and smell.”
He did and wrinkled his nose. “That’s not too floral.”
“No, it’s garlic, but they’re pretty, and my bees will like them. And there’s this bottle brush over here that I want for that back corner. We lost a couple of trees in the blizzard that hit us hard over the winter, and this one should be hardy enough.”
We went through my list, both of my men straining their muscles as they moved everything for me.
I tried to lift flowers and other things, but they kept nudging me gently out of the way, saying they could handle it.
And if I got to watch my men in tight T-shirts lifting heavy things and looking sexy as hell? I was a very happy girl.
“Are we going to have enough room in your truck?” Kincaid asked, and I grinned.
“Yes, we’ll make it work. And if not, we’ll call one of our friends, and they can bring one of their cars, too. But we’ve done this before.”
“Okay, if you say so.”
We turned the corner to get our last set of blooms, and I froze, Kincaid nearly running into me as I looked at the people in front of us. Ronin quickly put his hand in mine in a reassuring way, and I knew I should run. I should walk away before the couple in front of me turned and saw us.
I couldn’t. This was happiness. I was finally breathing and no longer thinking and wondering about the what-ifs.
I was finally letting myself be because while I had been happy with Ronin before, so happy that I could burst, and knew that he was my future and everything would be fine, it wasn’t complete.
And then Kincaid showed up, and something clicked.
It felt like this was the path we were supposed to be on.
With one turn of the corner, all of that fell away, and all I could do was look at the couple in front of me. I couldn’t walk away. Couldn’t hide from this.
I should have known they would be here. It was the nursery’s first day, and the place was packed—people laughing and busy, their pallets full.
Of course, my mother and father would be here to get stuff to work on Taylor’s garden.
Taylor’s. Never truly my mother’s. Nor my father’s or mine.
I missed my sister so damn much, and I hated that whatever garden they built wouldn’t bring her back. And neither would anything my mother did.
They finally turned, my father going sheet-white as my mother’s lips pursed.
“Hello, Mom. Dad.”
Kincaid froze at my side, finally realizing why I was acting so weirdly. Ronin stood on my other side, keeping me steady.
He was always that way—my rock. I had been afraid that by doing what we were with Kincaid, I might lose him. But in this moment, I knew I wouldn’t. We would stand even stronger together. I just needed to get through this. Whatever this was.
“Mom, you remember Ronin.” It was weird introducing my husband to them as if they hadn’t met him a dozen times or more before. They looked at me, possibly wondering why I was here. I didn’t know what they were thinking. I’d never been able to read them.
“And this is Kincaid.”
My mother looked at how Kincaid hovered near me, his stance protective, and then her gaze darted between Ronin and Kincaid, her eyes narrowing.
She knew. At least, she had some semblance of knowing. She would never truly understand what we felt because we were still figuring that out ourselves. But she would put a spin on it, a taint, assume that I wasn’t good enough.
Because I wasn’t Taylor. I wasn’t the girl she had chosen.
I hated that she was ruining this day. That she ruined so many memories for me.
And she hadn’t even spoken yet.
“You’re parading it then, are you?” my mother whispered, looking over her shoulder as if someone could see us or hear her.
We were in public, of course, people could see, but nobody was paying attention. It was the opening day of the season. Everybody had their own lives and landscaping to worry about. But my mother never understood.
“You mean that I’m planting my garden? Yes, Kincaid’s here to help Ronin and me. You’re welcome to look at what I plant.”
My mother stared at me. “Mrs. Smith told me that she saw you and these two at the grocery store, and that you were acting in your ways. Yet I didn’t believe it.
I knew you always had your tastes, your proclivities, but with two?
No, I don’t want this. Don’t come to see us, don’t talk to us. I’m done. I’m done pretending.”
I took a step back, but Kincaid and Ronin were there to steady me.
“Excuse me, you don’t know me, but you’re going to want to stop talking to her like that.”
I briefly closed my eyes at Kincaid’s words, then muttered under my breath, “Don’t.”
“No, he should. I’m kind of tired,” Ronin said. “We’re trying to go about our day. If you could move out of the way so we can move on, that’d be great. We’re working on our garden. The one for our family.”
“You always were a whore,” my mother spat. “You were off with your girlfriend instead of at home where you should have been when we lost Taylor. You weren’t even there to say goodbye.”
And there it was, the real reason my mother hated me. She didn’t truly hate my choices because she didn’t actually care about me.
I had finally taken a moment for myself to go out with Angela, a girl I hadn’t seen again after that night. My mother had been the one to tell me to leave the house, that I needed to breathe. Though maybe that’s what she had needed.
I hadn’t been there when Taylor took her last breath. We hadn’t even made it to hospice.
I would never forgive myself for not being there, and it had taken me a long time to figure out who I was and what I wanted because of that.
“No.” I held out my hands, my tablet in one, and blocked the men from moving forward.
“We’re not going to do this. You can think whatever you want, but I’m done.
I think I tried a little too hard for too long.
I don’t need to anymore. Good luck with the gardens that I will never be a part of or see.
I’m glad that you have something of Taylor there, but I know when and where I’m not wanted.
And you will stay away, too. You’ll respect my choices, even though you never have before. ”
People were looking now, but I couldn’t care anymore. I was so tired.
“Julia, let’s not do this here,” my father said. He surprised me. He never spoke directly to me. Why would he bother? He was dead inside for more reasons than just the loss of my sister.
“I’m done now. You are not going to ruin this garden like you ruined what I felt for the one at your home.
You’re not going to ruin anything anymore.
I loved you once, Mom. And I might still.
But you can’t take back what you’ve done.
You can’t. I won’t allow you to tarnish the memories of my sister anymore.
Think what you will of me, but I’m done. ”
And then I raised my chin and moved past her. My mother didn’t even bother to move out of the middle of the walkway. Somehow, Kincaid and Ronin followed me, the carts still full of what our future could be.
“Do you need me to go get the truck?” Kincaid asked, and I shook my head before Ronin could answer.
“Thank you both for standing up for me, but I’m going to get these flowers, and then we are going to go plant what we can today. I will have an amazing garden because I refuse to let her ruin this, too.”
I looked up at Ronin, who leaned down and kissed me hard on the mouth. “I love you, wife of mine.”
We were off in the corner, no one paying attention to us anymore, and I was grateful. I might’ve pretended that I could handle being the center of attention, but I really didn’t want to be.
And then Kincaid kissed me hard on the mouth just like Ronin had, and I leaned into him, wanting to cry.
But I was done doing that.
No amount of prostrating or pretending could bring Taylor back. All I could do was live in her memory and try to be the best person I could. And perhaps fall in love more than once with a man who made me feel like I could have a future.
“Let’s go home,” I whispered.
“Yes, let’s go home. However, that’s the last time she gets to speak to you that way. I held back for long enough,” Ronin growled.
“I know you did. And I’m grateful.”
“She’s very lucky I do not hit women.”
I smiled at my husband, shaking my head. “I wanted to hurt her, too, but then she’d probably sue, and we’d have to deal with the legalities.”
“I know people. I could probably get us out of that,” Kincaid said dryly.
“Thank you both, but we are not ruining this day. It’s all about flowers and me seeing you sweaty.
Not about my weird family and broken promises.
” My voice cracked a bit, and I held up my hands again, not letting Kincaid come near me.
“I can cry later. First, we pay for these, I watch you load them into the truck, and then we plant. I’ll have a very good cry later. ”
“I’m sure we can find ways to get your mind off crying,” Kincaid said, giving Ronin a wicked look.
I pressed my lips together, holding back a laugh. I’d just broken something important, but perhaps it had been shattered long ago. Now, I was finally living up to who I needed to be.
And that was with Ronin, the man I loved more than anything. And perhaps also with the man we hadn’t realized we’d been missing in our marriage.