Chapter 1
The saying went, when life handed you lemons, you make lemonade. But what were you supposed to do when your lemons were brown and rotten?
You throw them in the trash and drown your problems in vodka. At least that was what Carly was doing. And who needed a glass; it tasted better straight from the bottle.
Practically slamming the bottle on the table, she laid her head down and closed her eyes. The house was quiet except for the low snoring of her dog, Max, from somewhere in the living room. Only months ago, there had been people around all the time. But, now that both Leah and Mel lived with her cousins, Brandon and Logan, Carly was alone.
And fuck that, ‘just because you're alone doesn't mean you are lonely shit.’ She was lonely. And sad.
Lifting her head, she took another drink from the bottle of vodka. At twenty-eight she knew better than to try and drink her problems away, but when she’d come home from the studio, alone, it was the only thing she could think to do.
Sure she could go out to a bar or restaurant and meet up with other friends but her heart and head just weren’t into it. She missed her friends, and for one night, she was going to let herself wallow in self-pity.
Taking the bottle, she stood up and walked to her couch. She loved her life in Cedarville, wouldn’t have changed it for anything. But sometimes, it was hard to be the odd man out. And technically, she wasn’t, not really. Together, she, Leah and Mel ran Dragonfly Dance. Meaning six days a week she spent hours upon hours with her two best friends. And more times than not, they went out after work for dinner or drinks and the guys joined. But it wasn’t the same.
Before, she’d had someone to bitch to at all hours of the day, but now, if she wanted to talk when she was home alone she had to text or call.
And honestly, that was just too much work for her.
Flipping on the TV, she changed channels until finally settling on some dumb reality show. She figured if she watched these crazy people for just a little while, her life and problems might not seem so bad.
She had barely been watching for two minutes when her phone rang. Glancing at the screen she saw it was a blocked number and she declined the call. Five months ago, the calls had started. She had to hand it to the guy, he was persistent. Five months of daily phone calls and the same message over and over.
“Miss, Graham, this is Samuel Bruce. I’m calling on behalf of your mother. If you could please return my call at your earliest convenience, I would appreciate it.”
She’d stopped listening about two months ago. Instead she’d delete the messages and move on with her life. She had no idea if the messages had changed in that time and didn’t really care. She wanted nothing at all to do with her mom. Seven years ago, she’d made her decision and she still stood by it.
When you found out your mom was a whore who’d cheated on your dad your whole life, and then you caught her sleeping with your own boyfriend...It was not a hard decision to cut her out of your life.
The memory of walking into her boyfriend's room and finding him in bed with her mom still haunted her. She didn’t think it would ever go away. That day shaped her life and not for the best. It was the reason she wasn’t willing to unlock her heart. She swore no man would ever have the power to break her again.
And that only added to her loneliness. Yes, she could have sex if she chose to, but when you lived in a small town, you had to pick who you slept with wisely. Otherwise you would end up with a guy who wanted a relationship.
And that led to the other reason she was lonely. Lack of sex when everyone around her was getting some was problematic. A vibrator could only do so much. Orgasms were fine and dandy, but when a girl wanted comfort and a shoulder to lean on, they fell short.
She sighed and tried to clear her mind of the image that popped up. Damn him for interrupting her wallowing.
Anthony Scott.
Even thinking about him pissed her off.
But it was hard to stay angry with him when there was no reason to be angry in the first place. She’d finally figured out she only hated him because of the way he made her feel.
Safe.
He made her feel safe. And no one, for years, had made her feel that way.
It wasn’t even as if they had any interaction outside of their small group. Anthony was Logan and Brandon’s friend. So when they got together, he was usually there. Just something about having him near, always made her feel safe. It was like when he walked in the door, a shield went up around her and nothing bad would happen. There was no other way to explain.
Damn if she’d tell him that though.
She knew through Mel’s interference that Anthony liked her. That didn’t mean a thing though. She wasn’t into relationships and love and white picket fences. No matter how much her heart ached for those things.
Falling in love meant giving someone total control over your heart. And that meant, at any time, they could squeeze it in their hands and crush it into pieces.
Nope. No thank you.
Not for her.
She took another drink of vodka from the bottle. The alcohol made her fuzzy and pictures of Anthony flashed through her head like a slideshow.
Anthony up on a ladder fixing the security system, jeans so snug she wasn’t sure how he even walked. Anthony, wearing only low-slung boardshorts with water cascading down his chest. Anthony grinding up against her at the bar when she’d purposely tried to torture him.
She moaned, not able to control it. The man was seriously hot. Tall, at least six foot five and lean. She was no short waif and he towered over her five foot eight, one hundred and fifty-pound body. She’d never felt small around a man but when she had danced with Anthony, she’d felt tiny. Maybe that was why she felt safe with him.
And wasn’t that the crux of her problem? She didn’t want to feel safe with anyone. Feeling safe meant she would let her guard down and, in letting her guard down, it was possible someone like Anthony would squeeze his way in.
For as big as he was, she had no problem imagining he was the one person who could wedge his way into even the tiniest of spaces.
She wanted to hate him. Had tried. But he was so headstrong and arrogant. He was also caring and sweet and damn if that wasn’t annoying. While it seemed he loved to pick on and make fun of her, he stood up for her whenever anyone else did the same.
It felt nice that someone outside her family and friends stuck up for her.
That was part of the reason he made her feel safe; safe enough that she had let the damn man into her dreams. And she used the word “let” loosely. It seemed whether she wanted to or not, her sleeping brain and body only wanted Anthony.
For months, all of her dreams and fantasies had included him. It had gotten so bad, she was even thinking about him when she was awake. And that was bad. Bad, bad, bad. When she started imagining him while wide awake, she knew it was time to somehow, someway purge him from her life.
She had no idea how she was going to go about doing that. Not when he was friends with Logan and Brandon and always seemed to be around. But it was a must. If she wanted to stick to her guns and never give her heart away, Anthony had to go. And soon.
––––––––
S unday morning dawned and Carly woke up startled. She had fallen asleep on the couch after finishing the bottle of vodka and she was paying for it. Her head was pounding and it hurt to open her eyes. Hangovers were unfortunately something she woke up with when she overindulged, unlike both Leah and Melanie who woke up completely fine.
It was exasperating as fuck.
“I see someone had a good time last night?”
Carly turned at the words and saw Leah, hands-on-hips, staring at her.
Flopping back down on the couch, she covered her eyes with her arm. “What the hell are you doing here?”
She heard Leah move further into the house and walk past the couch where she was lying. Instead of answering the question, Leah asked, “How much did you drink?”
Blindly searching the floor next to the couch, she held up the empty vodka bottle. “All of this.”
“Well then, that explains the phone calls.”
Her body stiffened and she dropped her arm which had been covering her eyes and opened them. “What phone calls?” She had a horrible feeling about this.
Walking toward her, Leah handed her a bottle of water and some ibuprofen. “The three phone calls at two in the morning which I didn’t get until I woke up this morning.”
Swallowing the pills with the water, she asked. “What did I want?”
Leah’s eyebrows raised and she scrunched up her face. “It might be easier if I just play them for you.” Taking her phone out, she hit play on Carly’s first message.
“Is it possible to go insane from lack of sex. I think it might be happening to me. Like no joke, I am seeing visions, but the fucking problem is, all the visions are of Anthony. And I don’t want to have visions of Anthony. I want to not have visions of Anthony. Did I say that right? And also, that’s a lie. I want to have more than visions of Anthony. I want that man with his head between my thighs making me scream his name from the top of my lungs. And you know how loud I am. The whole fucking town would hear it.”
The recording stopped and the room was silent. She looked up at Leah and cringed. “That’s not horrible, right?”
“It gets worse.” She hit play on the next message.
“How bad would it be if I just slept with him once? Once wouldn’t be so bad, would it? He can’t be that good that it would break me. Nobody’s that good. Sex that is so all-consuming is a myth. It’s a unicorn. It does not exist. So once would be okay and then I could be done with him. In all likelihood, I won’t even want it more than once.”
“Oh shit.” She dropped her head into her hands. Everything she had said to Leah in the message was what she had been thinking.
“There’s one more,” Leah said and before Carly could tell her she didn’t want to hear it, she hit play.
“I did it. I called Anthony and told him I wanted to have sex with him. The ball is in his court.” When the room went silent again, Carly did the only thing she could think of. She grabbed her phone and searched her outgoing calls.
And she did not like what she saw.
“I called him four times,” she whispered.
Leah took the phone out of her hand. “He didn’t call back so maybe he hasn’t heard the messages yet?”
“Is my life the plot of a romantic comedy? I’m supposed to what...go to his house and get to his phone before he does so I can erase the messages?”
“Don’t yell at me. I’m just trying to look on the bright side.”
Carly took a deep breath and tried to calm down. “I know. And I’m sorry. I just...I can’t believe I did this.”
“I kinda can,” Leah said.
At her confused look, Leah explained. “Your feelings for Tony have been building up for so long, Carls. This was inevitable. You can’t just force feelings down and hope they go away. That’s not the way it works.”
“It is in my world,” she answered honestly.
Leah put a hand on her leg. “I know you really believe love isn’t worth it. At least for you. But take it from me, it is. And to answer your question from your second message, it’s not a unicorn. Sex can be that good, especially when you are in love.”
Carly gave Leah a dirty look. “How many times have I told you that I do not want to hear about your sex life with my cousin.”
“There’s my girl,” Leah said. “I knew you couldn’t stay away too long.”
Carly rolled her eyes and leaned back on the couch. “What do I do now?”
“My suggestion, deal with this head-on. Call him back and explain that you were drunk and sad and horny and it was a mistake.” She looked at Carly, her head tilted. “Unless, you don’t want it to be a mistake?”
Did she? Obviously her drunk mind had spoken the truth but was she ready to face that truth? More importantly, would she really be able to sleep with Anthony just one time? Her feelings for him seemed to get stronger every day. Even though she spent a lot of time trying to refute them, she was never able to.
“I don’t know what I want to do. I know something is going to have to give or else I am going to have to give up alcohol. Because drunk dialing is for people with no self-control. And I have self-control.”
Leah laughed. “Yeah, I can see that. You’re just full of self-control.”
“Shut up,” Carly said
“Why’d you drink so much last night?”
Carly shrugged. “I was just lonely.” It was hard to admit, but Leah was her friend and wouldn’t judge her.
“The fuck, Carls, if you were lonely why didn’t you tell me or Mel. You are always welcome to come hang out with either of us.”
“I don’t want to be a third wheel. You guys deserve some alone time.”
“It’s not as if we’re gonna have sex on the dining room table while you’re there. Jeez.”
“I know that but I hate being the odd man out.”
“You know, if you dated, you wouldn't always be the third wheel.”
“You know why I’m not dating.” Months ago, Carly had tried going out on dates and even just picking up guys for sex, but her tries had failed when all she could think about was Anthony.
“Then maybe you should date Tony.”
Closing her eyes, she said, “You know why I can’t.”
“No, not really. I know why you think you can’t. But that’s not a real reason. One broken heart seven years ago is not a reason not to try again, especially when you already know the guy likes you.”
“Really? One broken heart seven years ago. You know it wasn’t as simple as that. My freaking mom was sleeping with my boyfriend, Leah. That is not a commonplace broken heart. That’s Jerry Springer shit.”
“Okay, I’m gonna ask a question and I want you to really think about it. And remember, I was there, so I have an opinion. Think back on your feelings for Rob, before he cheated. Were they even a fraction of the feelings you have for Tony?”
Her immediate thought was to say yes. She had loved Rob, or at least loved him as much as a twenty-year-old girl could love. But before she answered, she remembered those safe feelings she got whenever Anthony was around. Those feelings were so much more defined and prominent than the feelings of love she’d had for Rob.
Did that mean something? Had she not really loved Rob?
“By your silence, I see you are taking the time to think this through. Let me tell you what I saw though. I saw a girl, a young woman, that was so desperate for love because her mom never cared about her. So when the big man on campus asked you out, you jumped at the chance. And for a while, you were happy. But don’t you remember, right before you caught him with your mom you were thinking about breaking up with him? You said that while the sex was good, you didn’t really care about him. Then you found him with your mom and from there on out, what should have been a blip in your dating history, became the defining moment that would hold you back the rest of your life.”
Leah’s words penetrated her mind. She saw the clear picture that she was trying to make and then all of a sudden she recalled making the decision to break up with Rob. How had she forgotten?
“Why did you never tell me this before?”
“Before you weren’t ready, and you weren’t in love.” She shrugged nonchalantly. “Now you are.”
“I’m not in love with Anthony,” she defended as Leah stood and walked to the door.
“Keep telling yourself that,” she said as she opened the door. “Come over for dinner tonight. No arguing.” The door closed behind her and Carly could only stare at the empty air where Leah had just stood.
Leah was wrong. She wasn’t in love with Anthony.
Just because she had feelings for him – strong feelings – that wasn’t love.
Was it?