Chapter 10
CHAPTER
TEN
HARLOW
Paige’s arm slides through mine, pulling me close to her. “Aren’t you glad we coaxed you into going out?” I hum as I lift my brow at her. Her head shakes. “Don’t you dare arch that perfect little brow at me.”
We both bust smiles at one another, and we all laugh.
Smiling as I look around the little circle of women I am standing with by the car in the parking lot.
Grateful doesn’t begin to explain how I feel to have these women—to not just have been included in their growing circle, but to be enthusiastically included.
At first, I thought Meadow had just been taking pity on me as Mint’s little sister, but then Grace seemed to get attached and I wasn’t sure what I had done to earn the friendship of these two women.
When Paige showed up, sweet, fierce as fuck, and so easy to be around…
I began to wonder if maybe there was never anything wrong with me.
Joining this little cluster of women has shown me that every relationship I had prior to this group here had just been the wrong people. I always knew I was an acquired taste, but clearly, I just needed to find where I belonged to find people who saw me as someone lovable.
I have a growing group of female friends, a steady group of male friends, and then Carbon.
The asshole I fucking hate because I don’t fucking hate him and cannot seem to get the fuck over him.
He hasn’t said a kind thing to me in nearly three months and yet it just makes me more desperate to fucking be near him. God, it is so fucking frustrating.
Why does he have to be so fucking good looking? Why does his house have to feel like home. Why does he have to be every fucking thing I want in a man? The fact that he is an epic asshole, yet I fucking love it instead of actually hating him, it boggles the mind.
We all climb into Paige’s cute Volvo SUV.
Hemmy insisted on getting it for her since he felt someone needed a three row and why not the couple with the kid?
Which, seriously, when Mickey is eighteen, I am so doing a tattoo for him.
The kid is just the best. I sure as shit won’t be having kids, but if I had to have one, he would be the one I would pick.
Paige’s hand comes across the seat. “Has it been a good birthday?”
I smile, genuinely meaning it when I tell her, “Yeah. I am so grateful for all of you taking me out for a little birthday lunch. It was the best. Also, super excited to be doing your Old Lady tattoo next week.”
Paige gives a sweet laugh. “Michael is so excited. I mean, I am too, but I’m looking forward to celebrating after the tattoo is done. He promised to help me care for it for while it heals.”
“He promised to take care of you while it heals.” I wag my brows at her.
All of us laugh as Grace gleefully calls out, “Yeah he did.”
“When are you going to finally settle down with a guy? Uh… girl?” Grace asks.
I shrug. “No rush. I’m only thirty. I’m dating Austin.”
Paige snorts. “Mmhmm.”
“He’s nice,” I argue.
“He is nice. We all like him, but… well… he isn’t really…” Grace seems to be hunting for the right words.
“He isn’t it,” Meadow supplies. Every head in the car nods, mine included which I cut short the move when I realize I am doing it. Meads sighs. “If Carbon and you got along, I would have thought you two would have ended up together.”
“First of all, ick—no. Second, Mint would so not be okay with me being with anyone in the club.” My brow lifts as I look at Meads. “He would shit a fucking brick.”
“I dunno, I think you have been around enough now that he would be more relaxed about it.” Her fingers brush through her pretty caramel locks.
“I don’t need a relationship outside of my ladies.” I smile, leaning my head back against the headrest. “This is all I need. Well, this and a whole drawer full of vibrators.”
The laughter that surrounds me makes it easier for me to hide my racing thoughts about what Meadow just said.
Could Mint be okay with it? I mean, Carbon hates me, but there is that thin line between love and hate, right?
If I tried to not be snappy with him—which fuck it is so easy to be that way when he just leaves himself open for it—maybe he would change his mind about me. How do you win over a prickly cactus?
We pull into the garage at Paige and Mayhem’s house, climbing from the car Paige asks if we all want to go inside for a minute.
I dutifully follow the girls in because I don’t really have any other plans for my day and I am not overly eager to get back to my little apartment, even if my awesome black cat, Cauldron, is likely waiting for me.
When Grace told me that black cats are the hardest to find homes for, I went right out to the humane society and met every black cat they had. Which was two, and one was a kitten, and one was my boy who was three at the time. We clicked immediately.
I may or may not have named him Cauldron because of—definitely not because of Carbon.
I mostly call him Ron Ron or Ronny-boy. It totally has nothing to do with the term for a group of bats being a Cauldron.
Ron Ron absolutely sounds nothing like Bon Bon.
Fuck, I am simping so hard for a man who can barely stand to exist in the same space as me.
Never did I think I would be a pick-me girl, but here the fuck I am.
I follow Meads into the house where I get the crap scared out of me when the guys all twist those big cylinder confetti cannons and shout, “Happy Birthday!”
My eyes meet Carbon’s across the room as large chunky pieces of black and gold confetti float in the air, my hand pressed to my chest. He winks at me—he fucking winks at me. Hope twists in my gut. Then he turns away to go back to pretending I don’t exist. Asshole.
Austin slides in from the side, pressing a kiss to the side of my head. “Happy Birthday, Baby.”
“I thought you had to go to Indiana…” I look up at him surprised he is here.
My eyes dart back to Carbon, kind of wishing Austin wasn’t here.
I am always so uncomfortable when Austin and Carbon are in the same place as each other.
Which of course happens pretty damn often with the check-ins Carbon is prone to conducting—the ones I definitely don’t like that he does.
Mmhmm, yup.
Definitely don’t like them.
“Well, I adjusted my flights when your brother mentioned it was your birthday. Do we need to talk about why you didn’t tell me?
” His brows lift in question as his eyes search my face behind his black rimmed glasses.
I mean, I could ask why he never bothered to question when my birthday was, I wasn’t hiding it, he just never asked.
“I don’t generally celebrate,” I say quietly, then pull away from him as I make the rounds giving hugs.
I feel bad, I know Austin isn’t it, but I can’t seem to bring myself to end things.
He is good looking, fun most of the time, though a bit boring, and a little suffocating.
He always wants to hang around and I just…
I dunno. I don’t love it. I mean, I know I want to be suffocated, maybe it’s just that I don’t like how Austin does it.
Or that it’s Austin doing it.
I thought it would be harder to get intimate with him than it was, but it also led to the first major sign that I would never fall for this man.
I told him I had scars, that it was the result of an accident in high school science, he never asked more questions, just took it at face value.
Thankfully, he isn’t so shallow that they bother him, but the fact that he didn’t have any questions, that he didn’t even want to know how I felt about what happened, or how hard the healing was.
I knew I could never fall in love with him.
I need someone who craves to know every fucking detail there is to know about me.
That won’t rest until he has completely solved who I am and then continues to study me as I grow and change.
I need invested love. Intrusive love. Which is fucking crazy, but that’s what I need.
Not obsessive, just the kind that welcomes my desperate need to know everything and does the same in return.
Okay, maybe that is obsessive. My mind flicks over to Carbon, which makes my eyes flick over to him too. I need him.
His eyes meet mine making my insides burn.
I lick my lips, quietly, I excuse myself to use the restroom down the hall.
I make my way down, slipping into the bathroom, I lean over the sink looking at myself in the mirror breathing hard.
I need to end it. I will never be happy with Austin, and he deserves to be with someone that wants to build a life with him.
The bathroom door opens, then closes quickly as my brother slips in. I stare at him. “What the fuck?”
“Stop, I knew you weren’t peeing.” He gives me a face, like ‘be real.’
“Why are you in here?”
“Did you guys break up?” he asks, his hand wrapping around my wrist. “Did I totally fuck this day up?”
“What?” I am so confused.
“I called Austin last week, Meads seemed to think I shouldn’t, but he is your boyfriend. It seemed like I should. He moved some travel around I guess… you are together or—?” His eyes search my face.
I consider his words. “We are together, but?—”
“Shit you are planning to break up with him. Fuck. I did mess this up.” His shoulders sag, “I am so sorry.”
“No. Don’t be sorry, it’s fine. Honestly, it’s a recent decision.
He just… he isn’t as invested as I need a man to be.
” I sigh as my mind decides to conjure memories of the single best kiss of my life, the one with Carbon when I was so upset with him for ditching out on me for two days.
Thankfully, he has been good about continuing to show up, much to Austin’s annoyance.
Austin thinks I need to watch out for him, he thinks he is creepy. I think Carbon is perfect.
“What does that mean?” My brother’s hand gives me a gentle squeeze. “What are you looking for?”