20/Danielle
I walked into the house and released a heavy sigh of relief.
The unit had been extremely busy all afternoon.
Everybody wanted to have their babies. All day long, I had watched women cry, scream, push, and reach for their children like nothing else in the world mattered.
And as soon as we got one delivered, it was time for the next patient to start pushing.
I barely had time to do charting on the computer when it was time for my three-thirty shift change.
After tossing my purse on the coffee table, I moved into the kitchen and removed a meatloaf from the refrigerator I had prepared before leaving for work.
I turned the oven on and slid the glass pan inside.
By the time I changed into something comfortable, dinner should be ready.
That was all I wanted. Hot water, quiet, and one evening where nobody needed anything from me.
I climbed the flight of stairs to my bedroom and quickly removed my clothes. I was sweaty and hot and feenin’ for a shower. Damn! I should have known the phone would ring. I moved over toward the nightstand and glanced down at the Caller ID.
Double damn! It was my mother.
“Hello, Mama, I was just getting ready to get in the shower.”
“Guess what?” she said as if she didn’t hear a word I had said, which was typical of my mother.
“What?”
“Portia’s having a girl.”
Despite everything my daughter has put me through, I couldn’t help but feel a tinge of excitement. For one stupid second, my heart actually lifted. I was going to have a granddaughter. A little girl. A baby with tiny fingers and soft cheeks who had nothing to do with all our bullshit.
“That’s nice,” I replied, although the words stuck in my throat. I swallowed down the rest of what I felt before Mama could hear it. Now what? If my mama even thought for a second I was excited about the news, there was no telling what she would do.
“Aren’t you excited? Portia made it clear that she didn’t want to know what the sex of the baby was, but last night she was having labor pains, and her father rushed her to the hospital.”
“Is she okay?”
Her mother chuckled. “Why don’t you call and ask her yourself?”
“No, thank you.”
“Quit acting like you don’t care,” she scolded, then continued in a softer tone. “Yes, she’s fine, but during all the excitement, the nurse blurted out that ‘she’s’ doing fine. Portia called me the second she got back in the house.”
I pursed my lips and couldn’t help feeling a bit of envy. My daughter was sharing her pregnancy with everyone but me. My mama knew. Alvin knew. His new wife probably knew. Everybody got a piece of my daughter that I didn’t get anymore.
Why do you even care?
“I think she would love to share her news with you, too.”
“I’d rather not.”
My mother breathed heavily into the phone. “When are you going to stop acting this way?”
“I’m not acting any kind of way. Just because she’s having a girl doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want to have anything to do with my daughter.” Even as I said it, something twisted hard in my chest. But pride had already opened its mouth, and I wasn’t about to snatch the words back.
“Danielle, six months is long enough.”
“Long enough for what? To forgive and forget? Mama, puh-leeze! I’ll never forgive my daughter for what she has done to me.”
“Your man left you. Get over it. Men will come and go, but your children are forever.”
I couldn’t believe my mother had said that. I groaned. “Mama, can we talk about this later?”
Leave it to Mama to make my pain sound like some cheap breakup I should’ve been over by now.
“No, we cannot. We have put this off long enough.”
So much for a shower. “Mama, I’ve said all I am going to say on the subject of my daughter and her accusing my man of sleeping with her.”
“If you hadn’t been dating a man younger than you, none of this would have ever happened.”
“So, it’s my fault?” I was livid.
“Partially, you are to blame. Your daughter is only sixteen. She’s too young to consent.”
Here we go again. I’ve been hearing the same thing from Mama since she first discovered Portia was pregnant. “Her hot tail has been consenting for the last two years.”
My mother gave an impatient sigh. “Listen, let’s leave the past in the past. What we need to worry about is my granddaughter’s future.”
“She’s fine. Alvin has everything under control.
” Let him handle it. Now that my uptight and high-siddity ex-husband was married to a doctor, he thought he was better than everyone else.
And maybe that was part of what burned me up too.
He got to play responsible parent while I stood around looking like the bitter fool who couldn’t get herself together.
Her mother snorted at the mention of her former son-in-law’s name. “That man is so strict. Portia can’t fart without asking for permission first.”
“Good, that’s exactly what her hot tail needs. She’s pregnant. What the hell does she need to be running the streets for anyway? Portia needs to go sit down somewhere.”
“Well, she only has nine weeks left, and then what?”
“Like I said, that’s her father’s problem, not mine.”
“Don’t you want to be a part of your granddaughter’s life?”
“Yeah but I’m just not interested in associating with her mother.” That was the lie I kept telling myself because it sounded better than admitting I didn’t know how to love the baby without facing Portia.
“Danielle, you really need to start going back to church. Would you like for me to have Reverend Jackson give you a call?”
Hell no. After that episode with Reverend Brown and all the sinning he had been doing, the last thing I needed was to put my faith in a minister.
I believed in God and Jesus Christ, but anyone on earth was questionable.
Men, preachers, daughters, best friends…
everybody had a way of disappointing you when you needed them to be solid.
“No, Mama, I don’t want to talk to him. I’m fine. Really. Just not in the mood to deal with my daughter. I tell you what. If Portia decides she’s ready to apologize for ruining my life, then I’ll listen to what she has to say.”
Mama was quiet. Good. She knew good and damn well Portia didn’t think she had anything to apologize for, which was fine with her. The less I had to deal with her hot ass, the better. At least that was what I told myself every time missing her snuck up on me.
“Mama, I got to go. I was just getting ready to get in the shower.”
“Let’s talk this weekend.”
“Sure thing.” I hung up before my mother could question me further, moved into the shower, and turned the water on full blast. Just like Mama to ruin my evening.
All I wanted to do was relax and enjoy a good meal while reading a mystery I had been dying to read.
Now I would spend the rest of the evening thinking about Portia and the baby.
I climbed into the shower, pulled the curtain back, and closed my eyes.
The water hit me hot and hard, and for a minute I just stood there with both hands pressed against the tile, letting it beat against the back of my neck.
Yes, I know Portia’s a teenager and yes, I needed to be the bigger of the two, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
This was one time when sorry just wasn’t enough.
I had loved Ron with everything I had, and now that relationship was over.
And the worst part was, I didn’t even know who I was angrier with—Portia for saying it, Ron for leaving, or myself for loving him enough to be this broken.
I ran a hand through my hair. I was having a bad day.
That’s all it was. Calvin had shown up at my job with flowers begging me to forgive him.
I jumped into bitch mode and sent him stepping.
He had looked so hurt standing there, and for one second I almost softened.
Then I remembered Renee, his mouth, in my living room, and my pride snapped right back into place.
I know I broke his heart, and I feel bad about it.
Maybe I had wanted to hurt him before he got the chance to hurt me worse.
Maybe I should have just asked him for some space instead of playing games with him, but after that stunt with him and Renee, I wasn’t so sure anymore if he had ever really cared about me at all.
And Renee’s trifling ass… I could just hit her in the mouth.
I don’t even know why I was surprised. She had always had a way of making things about her.
I don’t know why I even thought for a moment that this time things would have been different.
Renee was all about herself. I asked her to do me one favor, and she had to make it all about her.
But what pissed me off most was that I had trusted her anyway.
I had handed her my insecurity, and she used it like it was a damn party favor.
I pushed the whole episode out of my mind before I was tempted to pick up the phone and cuss Renee’s ass out. The only reason I haven’t is that I have a new man in my life. Chance. And right now, Chance felt like the one thing I could choose before somebody else chose wrong for me.