Chapter Nineteen PHILLIP
Chapter Nineteen
PHILLIP
On Sunday, the first day of this cruise, if you told me Vivienne was going to show up unannounced on Saint Thomas, I would have breathed a heavy sigh of relief. She’s come to her senses. Finally. Vivienne and Phillip, together forever. We’d move back into my place in New York City. We would reunite our separated household items. I’d get my beloved air fryer back. Then we’d discuss how best to tell our friends and family that we were going to be mature and put the past behind us to begin anew, afresh, and better than ever.
Now, though?
Now?
It felt like I was having a heart attack when I read Vivienne’s text last night.
It was simple and to the point.
Look out on the pier ...
There she was, standing alongside her best friend. They saw me when I walked out onto the balcony, and they waved wildly.
I had no choice but to walk down to the gangway and retrieve them.
“What are you doing here?” was the first dumb thing out of my mouth, and I said it slightly accusatorially, as if I were annoyed to see Vivienne. As if she had no right to be here.
For a fleeting moment, shock and hurt flashed across her face, but then her expression cooled, tempered, eased as she tucked those ugly emotions deep under a mask of peaceful compliance. That’s the thing about Vivienne. She’s the most agreeable person I’ve ever met.
I’m not so far removed from our relationship that I don’t remember the ease of having a partner like her. Nothing was ever important enough to warrant a real negative emotion. Crying? Screaming? Absolutely not. That was uncouth, simply not done.
I never had to worry if she’d be in a bad mood when I got home from work late or if she’d be annoyed when I wanted to get Italian takeout for the second time in one week. Whatever I wanted was what she wanted. I’d tried to bring up her military-like compliance with her once, gently, of course. How do you look someone squarely in the eye and ask them why they have no backbone? Why she seemed so eager to mirror the likes and desires of the people around her rather than promote her own?
I see clearly now what was so appealing about her.
For a man who enjoys simplicity and control— holy shit , Vivienne is a veritable gold mine! I doubt I ever would have worked up the courage to leave her.
It was a shocking revelation to have, especially as I stared at her then, on the pier in Saint Thomas, in front of her friend.
“I came to congratulate you in person!” Vivienne said, coming forward to kiss me once on each cheek with practiced precision. Thank god she chose that route. Had she gone in to kiss me on the mouth, I’m not sure I would have been able to think quickly enough to turn away. My brain seemed to still not be firing on all cylinders, not since Casey left my suite, oh ... all of fifteen minutes before.
Talk about whiplash.
I frowned as Vivienne stepped back. “You could have just called and saved yourself the trip. You know they have these newfangled things called telephones.”
She giggled and looked to her friend, Mira—the carbon copy of her in every way. In fact, in the early days of dating, I referred to her in my head as Vivienne Junior, and it stuck. It’s eerie, actually, how similarly they dress and act. Both with their prim smiles and perfect postures, the same designer handbags slung over their shoulders. Matching Cartier watches. Chanel glasses perched on top of their shiny jet-black hair.
“Well, I thought this would be much better!” Vivienne added with a chipper shimmy to her shoulders. “I really wanted to show you how much I care.”
I blinked and stared at her, wondering if I’d missed something.
Had there been a reconciliatory phone call I’d forgotten about? An email? Fax ?
“Can we speak somewhere? Private?” she asked with a timid smile. She always was so good at seeming innocent, though I guess it’s really no act. She’s lived in a privileged bubble her whole life. “That is, after you find us a little cabin to stay in. Nothing big. I know it’s a huge imposition to have us on board, and you’re probably fully booked.”
I blinked at her, truly dumbfounded. She expected me to find her a place to stay on board Aurelia ? She was planning to stay ?
I realized then that they also had accompanying luggage at their feet.
I took a step back. “Let’s—let’s go get a drink, and we can talk.”
It felt like a good intermediary step. I couldn’t just send her packing. She came all the way here—I had to at least humor her for a little while. She deserved that much.
“A drink, yes. We’ve been traveling all day. Oh, and I’d love a tour as well! I’ve never seen Aurelia in person! I’m so excited. I remember seeing the blueprints and sketches when I’d peer over your shoulder while you were working,” she said with a sentimental smile.
I didn’t share the same warm feelings. I was still in crisis-management mode. I grabbed their bags, and we headed back to the gangway where a crew member immediately ran forward to take their bags from me.
“Should I put them in your room, sir?”
God, no.
“Have them sent to the library, please. We’ll be in there for the time being, and I’d hate for them to lose their luggage.”
“Right away, sir.”
In the end, I placated Vivienne and Mira with a quick tour of the ship, followed by exactly one drink in the library. I steered clear of any personal topics and tried to pry out information about how long they planned to stay and the motives behind their visit, but they were annoyingly elusive.
“We really don’t have any open suites or cabins,” I told them. “Not unless you want to bunk with the crew.”
Vivienne laughed. “Oh, we won’t be picky. I promise, any room will do. Put us with the crew, for all we care.”
“Viv—” Mira cut in, clearly not in agreement on this.
Vivienne just shook her head. “It was slightly rude of us to show up here like this, unannounced. I can’t demand the best room on the ship, now can I? Though of course that room is already taken. I’m sure it’s yours, isn’t it?”
Her eyes twinkled with mischief, and I reached for my drink and downed another sip. This whole thing felt wrong.
Like I was cheating somehow.
Casey and I ... god, we were complicated.
I couldn’t label us or dare to delve into my desire for her, not while I feigned polite conversation, but I knew I needed to consider her feelings here. I never would have started something with her if I’d known my ex-girlfriend was about to surprise me with an impromptu visit. I wasn’t trying to play anyone here.
During my silence, Mira stood to excuse herself. “Ladies’ room?” she asked.
“Down the hall on the left.” I stood. “Here, I can show you.”
“No need!” She held up her hand, looking pointedly at Vivienne as if this was all some preplanned routine they’d choreographed. Then she whisked out of the room, and I had a feeling she’d be gone a strategically long time.
Great.
“Vivienne,” I said, my voice taking on a stern edge. “I’d like you to be honest with me now. Say whatever it is and—”
Vivienne stood suddenly and started to peruse the library, inspecting the books and all the little artifacts we’d amassed for the dark walnut shelves. There are more than enough interesting things in here to keep a person occupied for the entire duration of their cruise. It’s probably my favorite room on the ship.
“Oh, Phillip. It’s wonderful, all of it. What an achievement.”
She almost looked wistful when she glanced over her shoulder at me.
Even with everything else going on, it felt good to hear her say it. She’d been by my side while I dreamed up this ship—it only feels right that she should get to experience it now.
“I’m glad you like it.”
“ More than like it.” She turned fully and looked down at her wineglass, running her finger over the rim before glancing up again with a troubled expression in her dark-brown eyes. “I do feel like an idiot, you know. Dropping you the way I did.”
I cleared my throat. “Viv—”
“No.” She shook her head. “It took a lot of courage to come down here and face you. Mira’s had to listen to me go over this speech a million and one times, and it’s only fair that you should hear me out.”
This was extremely assertive coming from Vivienne, so I nodded and waved for her to continue, giving her the floor out of respect for the time we’d shared together.
“I’ve missed you so much this last month. More than I thought possible.”
She paused here, I think, to give me a moment to share the same sentiment, so when I stayed quiet, her brows tugged together in slight frustration. Only for an instant, though. Always, always , she goes back to her natural state: a placating Pollyanna.
“It’s so lonely without you. It’s only right that I should admit to you now ... there was a man, at work.” When I sat up a little straighter, she hastened to get out her next words. “Just a friend, nothing more. Though I will say, a part of me had thought of what it would be like if we were to develop romantic feelings for one another.”
I could barely believe it. Vivienne thinking about cheating ? It was as far fetched as anything I’d ever heard. So unlike her that I couldn’t even feel jealousy, only astonishment.
“After things ended between us,” she went on, “I sought him out and let it be known that I was single. He asked me out on a date; I accepted, and well ...” She shivered thinking back on it. “I absolutely hated it. He was so forward, so absolutely brazen. He really thought we were going to”—she lowers her voice—“ have sex after only going on a handful of dates!”
I had to tamp down a laugh, as if I had a tickle in my throat.
I didn’t realize we were still playing the chastity game. Vivienne was hardly a virgin, though now I recall her being slightly prudish. To each their own, but I just don’t think it’s all that crazy for grown adults to have consensual sex. It’s hardly something to clutch your chest about.
“Why not try it?” I asked casually, both because I wanted to see if maybe I could ease her suffering and because I couldn’t help the urge to rattle her a little.
Her eyes widened. “ Sex with a veritable stranger ?” she hissed with disgust like I’d just told her to lick a New York City subway turnstile during rush hour.
I couldn’t help it; I thought of Casey. I missed her with a force that made me feel sick. I could imagine her face as she listened to this conversation, a private smile fighting to break free on her lips.
“It could be fun,” I said with a shrug.
Vivienne shook her head adamantly. “No, absolutely not.”
“Okay,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck. “So then what happened?”
Her spine straightened again, her pedigree showing in her tone and stance. “Well, I came to my senses, of course. I realized what you and I had, and I couldn’t believe I’d just walked away from it willingly. I thought maybe I wanted a little something more. Oh, some flowery romance or something, but let me tell you.” She waved her hand like her words were a nuisance, and her voice grew haughtier than ever. “It’s a nightmare out there. These men have absolutely no respect!”
“Right.”
My casual tone caught her off guard. Maybe she was expecting a little more sympathy, but so far, I hadn’t heard anything worth sympathizing with. If anything, I was grateful for this moment. Real, honest closure was within our grasp.
It’s so simple to see that our positions have reversed. Vivienne broke things off with me because she had the courage to try for something more , and in the process, she got hurt. Now suddenly, our old relationship—as comfortable, easy, and bland as it was—seems compelling because it’s familiar and safe. But now I’ve found Casey, and I know what real passion feels like, and I’m not willing to settle anymore. Safe is no longer enough.
“Just because this guy didn’t work out, don’t give up on finding someone, Vivienne.”
My solution didn’t please her. She frowned. “Why would I go out searching when the man I want is sitting right in front of me.”
I tilted my head, holding her gaze as I spoke the truth out loud to her for the first time. “Come on. You know we weren’t good together. Not in the long run.”
She reared back, her eyes widening in surprise.
“There were happy times,” she insisted.
“Of course there were. I care for you; I do, Viv, but ...”
My voice trailed off, and she nodded. I watched her swallow and look away, composing herself as best as possible. “It’s not enough, is it?”
“We were so perfectly perfect together, but no, that’s not enough.”
She chuckled and turned back to me. I could see the emotion swimming in her eyes then, the tears about to fall. She understood that I was doing the hard thing here, forcing us both out of our comfort zones.
“It’s scary, isn’t it? Trying for something else? Going out on a limb ...” Her voice was barely above a whisper.
I puffed out a breath. “It’s terrifying .”
She walked toward me then, taking my free hand and squeezing it, rubbing her thumb along my knuckles. Then she leaned down, preparing to say one last thing. “Promise me we’ll stay in touch. I’ll always be rooting for you—”
“Oh! Sorry.” The accented words came from the hallway.
I turned to see Casey’s friend, Sienna, standing in the library’s doorway alongside Javier, one of the photographers we brought on for the cruise. They stood hand in hand, pressed close together, which wasn’t all that surprising. Though they were technically here for work purposes, there had been plenty of time to mix and mingle; just ask Casey and me ...
“We thought no one would be here,” Sienna added just before she took in the full tableau she’d stumbled upon: Vivienne damn near sandwiched between my legs. My hand in hers. Her head bent toward me.
Sienna’s eyes darkened, and her lips flattened into a thin angry line. When she spoke again, her voice was biting. “We didn’t mean to interrupt .”
Then she turned and started to pull Javier behind her. She only made it a few steps before shaking her head and spinning back around, a mock-friendly smile pinned in place. “Oh, actually, Phillip. I’m glad I bumped into you. I meant to ask, have you seen Casey tonight? It’s only ... I haven’t been able to find her, and you two have just been so inseparable this cruise. I figured you would know where she’s been ...”
She anticipated that this bomb would create real carnage. Vivienne would gasp in outrage; I’d have to console her with lies and promises. I don’t know what she’s talking about, babe! But I don’t want my hand in Vivienne’s. I’d been trying to work out how to free myself without hurting her feelings. Vivienne’s grip slackened, and I withdrew my hand before replying mildly, “I was just with her. She left a bit abruptly, though. If you see her, tell her I ordered her a milkshake.”
Slowly, Sienna’s anger shifted. Her lips parted; her brow furrowed. She looked almost disappointed by the lack of drama her comment had elicited.
“Right” was all she said before she looked at Javier and then turned to lead him back out into the hall.
Vivienne took a careful step away from me, her hands clasping together in front of her hips. She didn’t look pissed—Vivienne never would—but her eyes were more guarded now.
“Who’s Casey?”