Chapter 20
JANIE
Mom
Don’t you think your little tantrum has gone on long enough?
Janie
That’s a funny way to say “I’m sorry.”
Mom
I’ve done nothing to apologize for.
Janie
Neither have I.
Mom
You seem to forget who approves the distributions.
“This is the first time I’ve left the house in two weeks and I haven’t had a drink in eleven months,” Chloe announced as she bellied up to the bar. “Stand back world. Tonight I’m pumping and dumping.”
I laughed and lined up four glasses of water—one for each of my friends, who had all shown up to celebrate my last time closing the bar. “What can I make you?”
“Can I have a margarita on the rocks? I’ve been dreaming of it for months.” Her pale green eyes were wide and hopeful.
“Of course. One margarita coming right up.” I pivoted to the agave-lime juice mix—we didn’t do things fancy at the Painted Cat—and grabbed a tumbler. “Salt?”
“Yes, please.”
“You should have brought Grayson with you,” I said as I stirred all the ingredients over ice. “I miss the baby phase.”
“Do you?” Chloe laughed. “I’ve lost all sense of time since he was born. Has it been forever or just a day? No one knows. Much as I love him, I’ve felt like I’m just an extension of him, like an extra arm or a leg.”
“Or a boob,” Essie suggested. She was flanked by Hannah on one side and James on the other.
“Definitely a boob,” Chloe agreed. “That’s all he wants, really, to eat and cuddle.
It’s nice to get out and feel like a full human being for a minute.
I’m my own person again. Anyway, Steven practically shoved me out the door.
Said it would be good for me. I think he just wants Grayson all to himself. ”
“They’re so cute together. Gray has that man wrapped around his little finger.” James sipped her beer and shook her head in disbelief. “Sometimes I still can’t believe that it’s Steven we’re talking about.”
“You know what? I’m not all that surprised.” I pushed Chloe’s margarita to her. “He came to the bar one night last November, and it was the funniest thing. He was obsessed with your shoes. And flowers. Mostly, I think, he was just obsessed with you.” I gave her a teasing grin.
With a happy hum, Chloe pulled the tumbler closer to her and took a sip. “Mmm. Delicious.” She licked the salt from her lips. “Was that the night Jack was here? Apparently he gave Steven some advice. It worked…for about a week.” Her lips quirked in a self-satisfied smirk.
Essie looked up from her wine. “Jack was here? In November?”
Oh, shit. She still didn’t know about that. I squinted at the ceiling like I was trying to remember. “Um, well, I don’t…hmm.”
“He was definitely here. There was a snowstorm that night, remember?” Chloe said.
I picked at my cuticle. “Was he? Hm.”
“But that doesn’t make any sense,” Essie said slowly. “Jack was only here for, like, twenty-four hours in November before he bailed on us for Wyoming and Mom didn’t let him out of her sight for one single second except when he was sleeping or pissing.”
Hannah made a disgusted face. “Ew, Essie.”
Essie rolled her eyes. “Everyone pees, Hannah. I’m just saying. Jack couldn’t have been here.”
Chloe furrowed her brow. “Am I losing my mind? I swear it happened. It was a Friday night. I’m sure of it.”
“But Jack got here on a Saturday and left on Sunday,” Essie argued.
The suspense was killing me. Any second now they were going to figure it out.
Any.
Second.
Now.
Four pairs of suspicious eyeballs latched onto my guilty face.
And there it was.
A hot flush crept up my neck. My cheeks prickled. “It was a snowstorm,” I said feebly. “What else were we going to do in a snowstorm?”
“That’s valid.” James bobbed her head. “It’s like, what else were we going to do when the hotel only had one bed because the rodeo was in town? Sex happens.” She grinned at me in solidarity even as she gave Essie a sympathetic pat on her back.
Essie dropped her face in her hands. “Noooo.”
“Isn’t Brax Jack’s best friend?” Hannah pushed her glasses up her nose and stared at Essie. “You can’t complain when he has snowstorm sex with your best friend when you have all kinds of sex with his.”
“I can complain,” Essie muttered. “He said he was going to sleep with one of my friends to get back at me, and I told him not to fuck with single moms.”
“In his defense, all your other friends were taken,” Chloe said soothingly. She took another slurp of her margarita.
“And he didn’t know I was a single mom,” I defended. And he wasn’t fucking with me.
Essie huffed in disapproval. “Well, he knows now. He’s your manny, for fuck’s sake.”
“Well, now we’re not fucking at all,” I said flatly. “So it’s fine.”
“What?” Essie looked truly appalled. “What do you mean? Why aren’t you fucking? You two would be so great together. We could be sisters-in-law.”
“Because he’s my manny, for fuck’s sake.” I repeated her words back to her, enunciating slowly and carefully while I exchanged bug-eyed looks with James.
“Pfft.” Essie waved a hand dismissively. “That rule only applies when there’s a power imbalance, or the guy is really old and gross. You and Jack are both young and hot. That makes it legal.”
“You’re giving me whiplash, babe. I need you to pick a side.” Noting a customer flagging me down, I pushed away from the bar. “I’ll be back.”
There was a low hum as they immediately started rehashing the whole thing behind my back. It didn’t bother me. I knew them all well enough to know that the gossip we shared with and about each other was never cruel or malicious. But I still wanted to hear what they were saying.
Essie gifted me with a magnanimous smile upon my return. “I’ve decided. You may fuck my brother.”
I rolled my eyes. “Gee, thanks.”
Essie pursed her red lips as she regarded me, her eyes narrowed to blue slits. “What, Jack isn’t good enough for you?”
“No. No. That’s not what I’m saying.” I laid a placating hand over hers. “Jack is too good for me. He’s—”
“He’s not,” Essie interrupted. “I promise you he’s not. He’s a jackass a solid sixty-three percent of the time. When he found out I married Brax, he flew all the way here from wherever the hell he was just to punch him in the stomach.”
I squeezed her hands in mine and leaned in so we were eyeball to eyeball. “Again, Essie. Whiplash.”
She blinked at me. “But I love both of you. I don’t know who to defend.”
I laughed and retreated to the fridge so I could get refills. With a beer in one hand and a bottle of white wine in the other, I pivoted back to my friends. “You don’t have to defend anyone. It’s not like we had a painful breakup. We had a very adult conversation and decided this was for the best.”
“Ugh, that’s so mature.” Chloe made a face. “I mean, I’m really proud of you.”
I snorted. “Yeah, I hate it.” The truth was out of my mouth before I could stop it.
“Oh, honey. Of course you hate it. He’s living with you and he looks like that. It’s not fair.” Chloe winced. “Trust me, I know how it feels.”
“Okay, but seriously,” James said. “Why can’t you be together? So he’s the manny and people will talk. Who cares?”
“It’s not that.” Well, it wasn’t just that.
People talking about us meant people talking about Maya, and that made my skin crawl with foreboding.
But that wasn’t my only concern. “What happens if we got together and it didn’t work out?
It’s not like there’s a dozen people lining up to be Maya’s babysitter. And Maya loves him.”
“Janie.” Essie leaned back, her expression serious. “Come on. You know Jack would never leave you in the lurch like that. If things didn’t work between the two of you, he’d still show up for Maya and do his job. That’s who he is.”
I wanted to agree with her, but I knew better than anyone that people weren’t always what they seemed.
Hell, some people didn’t even know themselves until they had been truly tested.
I trusted Jack. I did. But I’d made that mistake before.
I couldn’t risk it again. Not with Maya’s happiness on the line.
But no way could I say that to his protective twin sister, so instead I said, “That’s what I’m afraid of. Imagine having to face the source of your heartbreak every damn day. Watching him be all hot and sweet with your kid? No, thanks. Anyway, it’s fine. We’re friends.”
That didn’t satisfy Essie, but Hannah cut in to save me. “I can’t believe this is our last Friday night closing down the bar together. It’s the end of an era.”
I looked around. We were all busy, but my friends had made a point to stop by at least one or two Fridays a month to hang out.
They never asked for free drinks and they always tipped because they weren’t assholes.
We’d laugh and talk and they’d drink and be silly.
Some of my best memories were right here at work, as crazy as that sounded.
“It’s good, though,” I said. “The hours are so much better, and the raise will make up for the lost tips.”
Essie tipped her wine to her lips. “Brax is thrilled you said yes. The last thing he wants to do after all his lawyer shit is more paperwork.”
“I don’t mind.” Was managing a dive bar a dream come true? No, of course not. But then, neither was bartending, and I’d been happy enough doing that for the last few years.
The truth was, I hadn’t spent a whole lot of time contemplating what I wanted to do when I grew up.
The second I had a positive pregnancy test, boom.
I was a grownup. My dad had wanted me to go into public policy, so I’d been on that track until it all turned upside down, but when it imploded, I hadn’t really felt like I’d lost all that much.
That dream hadn’t been mine to begin with.
Bartending had been a placeholder. I was doing it until my real career started, whatever that would be. Accepting the management position made me feel like I was locked into someone else’s plan all over again.
That was silly, right? Brax wasn’t going to chain me to the bar against my will.
It was just…inertia was such a powerful force.
It kept you moving along a path even when that path wasn’t right for you.
Dread had curdled in my belly when I said yes because I couldn’t shake the feeling that yes now meant yes forever.
I’d never figure out what I truly wanted from my life.
But I knew what I didn’t want. I didn’t want to miss all those moments with Maya because I was too tired to pay attention. I didn’t want to miss putting her to bed with a snuggle and a book. And I sure as fuck didn’t want my parents to have veto power over every dime I spent.
Maybe that was enough. I would make it enough. I had to.
Jack was at the kitchen table when I got home, a steaming mug of chamomile tea waiting for me. He set aside the book he was reading and smiled sleepily when I plopped into a chair across from him.
I pulled the mug closer to myself, wrapping my hands around the warmth. I always got a little chilly when the sun went down, even in summer. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” He yawned and stretched. His shirt rode up, exposing a couple inches of muscled torso and a trail of sparse hair that disappeared into the waistband of his jeans. I tried not to stare. I didn’t succeed. “How was it with the girls? Did you have a good time?”
“Yeah. It was great,” I said around a yawn of my own. “I should warn you, though. That night in November? The snowstorm? Essie knows you didn’t go straight home.”
He chuckled and rubbed his belly, then tugged his shirt back down. That shouldn’t have been sexy, but it was. “Oh, I’m aware. My phone has been buzzing nonstop since you closed the bar.”
“Sorry. Chloe let it slip and I couldn’t…” My voice trailed off and I shrugged.
“You couldn’t lie.” He laughed again. “Don’t worry about it. I don’t care if she knows. The only reason I cared back then was because I didn’t want her to come get me. I wanted to stay with you.”
I didn’t know what to say when he was sweet like that. I took slow sips of tea so I wouldn’t have to say anything.
“So what are you going to do with your weekend now that you don’t have to work?” he asked.
“Hang out with Maya, of course.” I covered another yawn with my hand.
“Sleep in tomorrow. I’ll handle breakfast.”
I shook my head. “You’re officially off the clock. If I have weekends off, so do you.”
He blinked, his forehead furrowing. “I hadn’t thought of that. Maya asked if we could go for a ride tomorrow afternoon. I said yes.”
He didn’t look especially pleased about it, either. I eyed him over the rim of my mug. “I’ll take her.” He still didn’t look happy. I squinted. “Do you want to come with us? It’s totally fine if you want to make other plans—”
He cut me off. “I want to go riding with you. That would be great.”
“Okay. And I’ll make breakfast tomorrow.”
That not-very-happy look was on his face again. “I’ll make breakfast. You should sleep in.”
“You’re up just as late as me,” I pointed out. “It’s your day off. You should sleep in.”
“I’ll sleep in Sunday.” When I opened my mouth to argue, he leaned across the table and pressed his thumb against my lips, silencing me.
“Let me be clear. If I see you out here before eight-thirty, I’m carrying your sweet ass back to bed and trust me, I will find a way to keep you there. Nod if you understand me.”
My eyes darted over his face. Oh. He was serious. I nodded.
“Good girl,” he said approvingly. He scraped back the chair and pushed to his feet, collecting our empty mugs as he went. “Sweet dreams, Ace.”
All right, so there was one thing I knew I wanted.
It was such a damn shame I couldn’t have it.