Chapter 18
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
NYROBI
Ihad never seen two people celebrate a positive pregnancy test like they had just hit the fucking lottery. Actually, with the way Billion had money, hitting the lottery probably wouldn't have moved him half as much. That second line showed up and Kaizleigh lost her damn mind.
She cried.
Then laughed.
Then cried some more. After hearing from the doctor, the test was positive, she still made me take another test because apparently one wasn't enough. When that one came back positive too, she sat on the bathroom floor holding both like they were made out of gold.
Billion tried to keep his cool for maybe thirty seconds but it didn't work. I saw it all over his face. The relief. The happiness. The way he looked at his wife when she held one of those tests against her chest and whispered, “We did it.”
The clinic confirmed the pregnancy with bloodwork, Kaizleigh started sending me baby shit before we even knew if there was enough baby in there to see on an ultrasound, and Mama started treating me like I was made out of glass.
Everybody was happy. Even me. Or at least I tried to be.
Because somewhere underneath all that excitement sat something ugly I refused to touch.
Billion.
The first time. Then the second. The second one was the one that wouldn't leave me alone. The first time, I could dress it up however I wanted. We got too close. We weren't thinking. We let something happen that shouldn't have. But the second time?
Nah. We knew.
We knew exactly what we were doing, exactly who we were doing it to, and exactly what we'd promised each other after the first time.
And we still did that shit again. There wasn't no cute way to explain that.
So I didn't. I pushed it somewhere in the back of my mind and focused on what everybody else was focused on.
The pregnancy.
Kaizleigh was happy. Billion was happy. The clinic was happy with my numbers. The transfer worked. That was it. Until the day somebody at that damn clinic asked me a question I wasn't prepared to answer…
The next appointment I definitely wanted to go alone…..but of course there came Kaizleigh.
“You sure you don't want me to come?”
I had my phone wedged between my shoulder and ear while I searched my purse for my keys.
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because it's an appointment, Kaizleigh. Not an awards ceremony.”
“I know that.”
“Okay but I’m not in the mood today I just wanna go alone.”
I found my keys under three receipts and a lip gloss I thought I'd lost two weeks ago.
“Don’t you have a meeting today lady?” I added.
“I can reschedule.”
“No, you can't.”
“Yes, I can.”
“Girl, if you cancel that meeting just to come watch somebody take my blood pressure, I'm not telling you when my next appointment is.”
“You wouldn't.”
“Try me.”
She got quiet.
I smiled.
“You so damn dramatic.”
“Me?”
“Yes, you.”
“Says the woman who called me at six-thirty this morning asking if I still felt pregnant.”
“I didn't say it like that.”
“Yes, the fuck you did.”
“I asked how you felt.”
“Then you asked if my titties still hurt.”
“That matters!”
“To who?”
“The baby!”
I closed my eyes.
“Kaizleigh.”
“What?”
“You do know this baby is microscopic right now, right?”
“Don't call my baby microscopic.”
I busted out laughing.
“I'm hanging up.”
“Wait!”
“What?”
“Call me when you leave.”
“I will.”
“Promise?”
“Yes.”
“And ask them about the cramping.”
“I told you it's not bad.”
“Still ask.”
“Okay.”
“And—”
“Goodbye.”
“Nyrobi!”
I hung up smiling.
Then the smile slowly disappeared. Her excitement had become almost impossible not to love.
That was the fucked-up part. If Kaizleigh had been a bitch, maybe some of this would've been easier.
If she treated me like an employee. If she talked down to me.
If she walked around acting like because she had money she owned me.
Something. Anything. But she didn't. Which made looking her in the face after sleeping with her husband twice one of the hardest things I'd ever done.
I grabbed my purse and headed downstairs.
Mama was sitting on the couch watching one of her shows.
“You leaving?”
“Yeah.”
“You eat?”
I stopped.
“Why everybody obsessed with whether I ate?”
“Because you carrying a baby.”
“I been eating my whole life.”
“Not for two.”
“I'm not eating for two yet.”
Mama waved me off.
“Take something with you.”
“I'll grab something after.”
“Nyrobi.”
“Mama.”
She looked at me.
I looked at her.
Then I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a banana.
“Happy?”
“Very.”
I kissed her cheek on my way past.
“Love you.”
“Love you too. Call me after.”
I stopped at the door.
“Why?”
“To tell me how it went.”
“Kaizleigh said the same thing.”
“Because we care.”
“Y'all need hobbies.”
Mama laughed as I walked out.
I expected the appointment to be quick.
Bloodwork. Ultrasound. A few questions. Some instructions. Go home.
The first part was exactly that.
The nurse took my vitals, asked about medication, asked if I'd had any bleeding, pain, fever, or anything else that might concern them.
No.
No.
No.
Everything had been pretty normal.
The cramping came and went, but they'd already told me some mild cramping could happen.
I changed and waited for the ultrasound. That part still felt weird. Knowing everybody was looking for something inside my body that technically belonged to somebody else. I stared at the ceiling while the tech moved through the exam. She wasn't saying much.
At first, I didn't think anything of it.
Then she measured something. Clicked. Measured again. Clicked again.
Her face didn't change, but mine did.
“What?”
She looked at me.
“What?”
“You keep doing that.”
“Doing what?”
“Measuring the same thing.”
She smiled.
“I'm just getting what the doctor needs.”
“Is something wrong?”
“I can't interpret anything for you. The doctor will go over everything.”
I hated that answer.
Every medical person in America must've gone to the same damn class where they taught them how to answer a question without answering shit.
“Can you at least tell me if you see something?”
“I can tell you the doctor will speak with you shortly.”
I stared at her.
“That's not what I asked.”
She gave me that same polite smile.
I stopped asking but now my nerves were bad. By the time she finished, I had already convinced myself something was wrong. I got dressed and sat in the little consultation room waiting for the doctor.
My phone buzzed.
Kaizleigh.
How's it going???
I stared at the message.
Then typed:
Still here.
Her response came immediately.
Everything okay?
I didn't answer because I didn't know yet And I wasn't about to scare her over something that could be nothing. A few minutes later, the doctor came in carrying a tablet.
She smiled.
That helped.
A little.
“How are you feeling?”
“Fine.”
“Any bleeding?”
“No.”
“Significant pain?”
“No.”
“Mild cramping here and there.”
She nodded.
“That can be normal.”
“Okay.”
She sat down.
“We're going to continue monitoring you closely, especially this early. Your bloodwork looks good.”
I exhaled.
“Okay.”
“And we do see what we'd expect to see at this stage.”
“Then why that lady kept measuring everything fourteen times?”
The doctor smiled.
“Ultrasound measurements this early can be very small, so accuracy matters.”
“So everything is good?”
“Nothing I'm seeing right now has me telling you something is wrong.”
There was a quick pause.
“But?”
She looked at the screen.
“There isn't necessarily a but.”
“That's doctor talk for there's a but.”
She smiled again.
“Your dating is just something I want to keep an eye on.”
My stomach tightened.
“What does that mean?”
“Early measurements can vary. Sometimes by several days. That's not unusual.”
“Okay.”
“And with an embryo transfer, we have a very specific timeline to work from, so we're a little more precise about what we expect to see and when.”
I stared at her.
“What are you saying?”
“I'm saying I don't want you to worry.”
Too late.
“Then don't say shit that make me worry.”
She laughed softly.
“Fair.”
She looked back at the tablet.
“Your measurements aren't concerning. They're just not lining up perfectly with what we projected from the transfer date, so I want to repeat the ultrasound and continue following your labs.”
“How far off?”
“Not enough for me to diagnose a problem based on one early scan.”
That wasn't an answer. But before I could ask again, she started going through questions.
Medication.
Any missed doses?
No.
Any illnesses?
No.
Any new medications?
No.
Then she looked at me.
“One other thing I want to confirm because it matters when we're interpreting dating.”
Something about the way she said it made my stomach turn.
“Okay.”
“Were you sexually active at any point during this treatment cycle?”
Everything inside me stopped.
I didn't move or blink shit I couldn’t even breathe. The doctor waited.
I heard the question again in my head.
Were you sexually active at any point during this treatment cycle?
Billion.
My mind went there so fucking fast I almost got dizzy.
His hands.
His mouth.
That first time.
Us promising it would never happen again.
Then the second.
Fuck.
“Ms. Ellis?”
I looked at her.
“Huh?”
“Were you sexually active during the cycle?”
My mouth went dry. I knew I was supposed to tell the truth that was why they asked questions.
So they could know everything that might affect what they were seeing.
But telling the truth meant saying it out loud.
And saying it out loud meant this wasn't just something ugly between me and Billion anymore.
It became real. Medical-record real. Question real.
Kaizleigh finding out real.
“No.”
The lie came out so clean it scared me.
The doctor nodded.
“Okay.”
That was it. She didn't stare at me. And didn't question it. She just tapped something on the screen and kept talking but I wasn't listening anymore. Because my brain had already started doing something I hadn't let it do since the positive test.
Counting.
The transfer. Billion. I tried to remember exact dates. The first time. Then the second. The medication. My cycle. Transfer number two. My positive test.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
“Nyrobi?”
I looked up.
The doctor was watching me.
“Yeah?”
“You okay?”
“Yeah.”
“You sure?”
“I'm fine.”
“You looked a little distracted.”
“Just nervous.”
“That's understandable.”
She said something about repeating bloodwork. Another ultrasound. Keeping the same medications. Calling immediately if I had heavy bleeding or severe pain.
I nodded at all the right times.
Asked something I don't even remember asking.
She answered but none one of it stuck. All I could hear was that question.
Were you sexually active at any point during this treatment cycle?
Why ask that?
I knew why. At least I thought I did. And the second I thought I knew, I wanted to unknow it.
Maybe the dates were just off. She said that happened.
Maybe the measurements were wrong. She said they were tiny.
Maybe the embryo implanted later than expected.
Maybe everything was exactly what everybody believed it was.
Kaizleigh and Billion's embryo. Kaizleigh and Billion's baby. Inside me. That was the whole fucking reason I was pregnant. Except there was another possibility now. One I had been too scared to let myself think about. And once it got in my head, I couldn't get that bitch back out.
I don't remember walking out of the clinic.
I remembered getting in my car because I sat there for so long the air stopped feeling cold.
The banana Mama made me take was still sitting in my purse.
My paperwork was on the passenger seat. I hadn't even looked at it.
I just sat behind the steering wheel staring through the windshield.
A woman walked past pushing a stroller. I watched her load the baby into the back of an SUV.
Then another couple came out of the clinic holding hands.
Normal shit.
Everybody moving. Everybody going on with their day. Meanwhile, I felt like somebody had taken everything I thought I knew and flipped that shit upside down. I grabbed my phone. Opened the calendar and went backward.
Appointment. Transfer.
I stared at the date.
Then went backward again.
My stomach twisted.
“No.”
I whispered it like the calendar was going to listen.
I counted again but slower this time. Maybe I had it wrong. Maybe I was forgetting something.
I opened my messages and scrolled. Found texts from Kaizleigh around the transfer. Then older ones. I didn't have to search for messages from Billion.
There weren't any about what happened. We weren't that fucking stupid.
But I remembered and my body damn shol remembered.
I knew when we'd crossed that line the first time.
I knew when we'd done it again. I stared at the dates.
The doctor hadn't said the baby measured ahead.
Hadn't said I conceived naturally. Hadn't said anything was wrong with the embryo.
She hadn't said shit except the dating wasn't lining up perfectly.
That could mean nothing. It probably meant nothing. I needed it to mean nothing.
Because the alternative…
My phone rang.
I jumped so hard I almost dropped it.
KAIZLEIGH
Her picture filled the screen.
I stared at it but couldn’t even answer. Two seconds later, it rang again. I turned the phone over. I couldn't hear her voice right now. I couldn't listen to that excitement. I couldn't hear her ask me what the doctor said when I'd already lied to one person today.
The ringing stopped.
Then my phone vibrated.
I knew it was her.
I waited.
Then finally turned it over.
KAIZLEIGH: Girl answer me I'm nervous. How did everything go? Is my baby okay?
My chest tightened.
I read the message again.
But my eyes wouldn't move past those two words.
My baby.
I had heard Kaizleigh say it a hundred times already.
My baby.
Our baby.
Baby Stylez.
Every time, I knew exactly who she meant.
Until now.
My hand slowly went to my stomach.
I stared down at it.There was nothing to see yet.
Nothing that could tell me whose little piece of life was growing inside me.
I wanted to call her and tell her the doctor said everything looked okay.
Laugh when she started asking a hundred questions and tell her to stop worrying.
I wanted to go back to this morning when the only thing I had to feel guilty about was sleeping with her husband.
That alone had already been fucked up enough. But I couldn't go back. Because now there was a question sitting in my head that I couldn't unask. And Billion didn't know it was there. Kaizleigh damn sure didn't.
They were somewhere believing Transfer #2 had finally given them the baby they'd prayed for. And maybe it had. God, I hoped it had. Because the other possibility was something I couldn't even let myself fully think.
My phone vibrated again.
KAIZLEIGH: Nyrobi???
I stared at her name.
Then back at the first message.
My baby.
My hand stayed against my stomach. I should have been wondering was Kaizleigh’s baby okay inside of me but shit I was wondering if the baby inside me was ever hers to begin with.
TO BE CONTINUED…