Chapter 7 #2
"What?"
"The little stuff."
He looked back at me.
"What little stuff?"
"The videos..You know pictures. The random memories parents don't even realize they making,” I smiled.
I watched the little girl run back into her daddy's arms.
“Oh yeah,” Billion agreed.
"One day...she gone watch that video and realize her daddy wasn't just playing with her. He was making memories." I smiled.
“Yeah that’s the happiness of life. Family.”
The smile slowly slipped from my face.
"I wonder if..."
I stopped myself.
Billion sat his fork down.
"If what?"
I looked out toward the water again.
"I wonder if God ever gets tired of hearing me ask Him for the same thing."
The words barely made it above a whisper.
This time, Billion didn't answer right away.
He simply reached across the table and took my hand. His thumb slowly brushed across the back of it before he finally looked up at me.
"I don't think God gets tired of hearing from His children.
I think we get tired of waiting on His answer.
I've watched you cry. I've watched you pray until you fell asleep.
I've watched you question yourself, your body, even your faith.
Every time we walked out of that hospital, I was hurting too.
I just never let you carry my grief because you already had enough on your shoulders.
You keep asking God why, but I stopped asking Him that a long time ago. "
I frowned.
"You did?"
He nodded.
"I did. Now I ask Him to prepare me. If He blesses us with a baby you carry, I'm thankful.
If He blesses us another way, I'm thankful.
If He tells us to wait another year, then I'll wait another year.
But one thing I refuse to do is spend so much time mourning the family we don't have that I forget to love the one He's already given me. "
I couldn't stop the tears after that. because somewhere along the way, I'd become so focused on becoming somebody's mother that I'd forgotten how blessed I already was being somebody's wife.
Billion stood up and walked around the table before pulling me into his arms.
"I don't need a baby to prove God has been good to me. I wake up beside my blessing every single morning."
I buried my face against his chest and closed my eyes.
For a little while, neither one of us said anything. We didn't have to.
Neither one of us moved for a while.
I just stood there with my face buried against his chest while his hand slowly rubbed circles across my back.
Some hurts couldn't be fixed.
They just needed somewhere safe to land.
A soft clearing of a throat made me lift my head.
I looked over to see our waiter standing a few feet away with two small dessert plates balanced on one arm.
"I'm so sorry to interrupt, Mr. and Mrs. Stylez."
Billion smiled.
"You good."
The waiter walked over and carefully placed a warm chocolate soufflé between us.
"The chef wanted to send this out."
I looked at Billion.
"You ordered dessert?"
He looked just as confused as I was.
"I didn't."
The waiter smiled.
"He said every now and then he likes reminding his favorite customers life should end on something sweet."
I couldn't help but laugh.
"Well...tell him thank you."
"I will."
He gave us a polite nod before quietly walking away.
I sat back down, still smiling.
"You paid him."
Billion laughed.
"I promise I didn't."
"You expect me to believe that?"
"I don't have to pay people to be nice to my wife."
I rolled my eyes.
"You always got an answer."
"I usually do."
He picked up the dessert spoon before sliding it across the table toward me.
"You first."
I scooped out a small bite before handing him the spoon.
"It's good."
He tasted it and nodded.
"It is."
For a little while we shared the dessert without saying much. The silence wasn't uncomfortable. It never had been between us. I looked back out toward the lake.
The little girl and her parents were gone now. Only the swans were left.
"Billion?"
"Hm?"
"What if..."
I stopped and he looked at me.
"What if this just ain't the way God plans for us to become parents?"
He didn't answer right away. He waited. Just like he always did.
"What you mean?"
I traced little circles around the edge of my plate with my spoon.
"I don't know."
I sighed.
"I guess I'm just wondering if I've been praying so hard for one door...that I forgot God might've left another one open."
He watched me for a long moment before speaking.
"I've wondered that too."
"You have?"
He nodded.
"I just never wanted to bring it up before you were ready."
I looked into his eyes.
"You think there are other ways?"
"I think...there's more than one way to build a family," he said softly.
My heart started beating a little faster.
"You really thought about it?"
He nodded.
"More times than you know."
"And you never said nothing?"
He looked me dead in my eyes.
"I was waiting on you."
I looked back down at the dessert sitting between us. I pushed my spoon through it without taking another bite.
"You think I'd be selfish?"
He frowned.
"For what?"
"If I couldn't carry our baby myself.”
I swallowed.
He reached across the table and gently took the spoon out of my hand.
"Don't do that."
"Do what?"
"Start punishing yourself over a conversation we ain't even had yet."
I looked at him.
"You hear me?"
I nodded.
"No."
He squeezed my hand.
"I asked if you hear me,” he asked again.
"I hear you."
He smiled.
"Good."
Because whether our child comes through you..."
He paused.
"...or through another blessing God sends our way..."
He rubbed his thumb across my hand.
"...it'll still be ours."
I looked down at our hands. I ain't know why but hearing him say it out loud made it feel a little less scary.