18. Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Eighteen
Luna
Carson motions for me to take the window seat while he lifts our bags into the bin overhead. I’ve never been on a plane, but this one seems small. Too small.
“The next one will be bigger,” he assures me, reading my mind.
He falls into the seat beside me, and suddenly I feel a little better. I know the irony of that. It should make me feel more claustrophobic sitting next to such a big guy, but it’s quite the opposite. Carson has a way of stilling my mind and settling my heart.
After everyone boards, the flight attendant goes through the safety demonstration. She does it with such ease that I’m sure she’s given it on hundreds of flights, and she’s still alive, so there’s that.
When the plane begins to move, I quit listening to her and close my eyes.
Oh my god. Oh my god.
Carson slips his arm around my shoulders and pulls me as close to him as he can without removing our seat belts. “Your very name suggests you should be able to leave the ground without incident,” he whispers.
I keep my eyes closed, but I’m no longer worried about the plane.
Carson smells so good. I breathe him in.
“There you go. Take another one.”
Don’t mind if I do.
During the third one, I realize we’re leaving the ground.
He leans back a little bit and smiles when I open my eyes.
“There’s no turning back now, is there?”
“Nope.”
“We’re really in the air?”
Carson places his hand against my cheek and gently turns my head.
My heart races, but not in fear. “Oh my gosh, it’s so beautiful.”
One layover in Chicago and we are indeed on a bigger plane. We lucked out and no one booked the seat beside us, so we have a more private flight. I’d like to say I took the time to get to know him better, but all I did was sleep.
We both did. I woke up to his head on my shoulder as mine was pressed against the side of the plane.
I can’t believe I crossed the ocean without having a panic attack.
It’s funny how something can terrify you right up until you do it. I’ve never felt so unafraid in all my life.
I don’t know if it’s because Carson is by my side. Of course, I think that is a big part of it, but something is changing inside of me. I’ve been looking back over my life and realizing how tough I truly am.
I study the strong lines of his face. He looks intimidating yet soft. Like a giant grizzly bear. Not that he looks like a bear. He’s incredibly handsome. Not that bears aren’t handsome. Again, a little burst of joy warms my chest.
We’re going to be landing soon. I should wake him.
He rubs his hand over his hair, mussing it up, or making it better, I haven’t decided.
“Shit, we’re there already?”
“The night flight was perfect,” I tell him.
“Did you sleep?” he asks, reaching across me to help with my belt.
We both catch a glimpse out of the window at the same time.
“I did sleep, but now I’m sure I died and went to Heaven,” I say, staring down at the rolling green fields below us.
“So, the green isle really is green,” Carson says, sounding as in awe of the view as I am.
“I don’t think I’ve ever been as excited as I am right in this moment,” I tell him.
“Me either. This is pretty cool.”
A short time later we are standing in line, waiting to get our car rental. “So, where are we going first?”
He reaches in his backpack and pulls out my mother’s journal. “I don’t remember the name of the place.”
Carson thumbs through it and then holds it out to me after tapping his finger over the page. “I’m not even going to try to pronounce it.”
I take the journal from him. It feels like everything around us is moving quickly while we’re trapped in a slow-motion bubble.
“Ballinalacken Castle Country House Hotel?”
He laughs. “Yeah, whatever you said.”
“You booked us rooms where my mother stayed on her first night here?”
“Well, not exactly rooms.” He puts a little extra emphasis on the letter s.
“Oh, yeah, that’s fine. I can’t imagine how much all of this is costing you.” As the logic leaves my lips, it begins to sink in that we will be sharing a …
“I’m doing my best to get rooms with two beds,” he adds, again reading my mind.
“Yeah, of course.” I’m disappointed and relieved at the same time. “It’s just that … like wow, I can’t believe you’d do this for me. It’s so sweet.”
“Don’t give me too much credit here. Logically, a trip like this takes some time to plan, so I thought what better way than to use your mom’s journal. I mean, she took the time to write it all down. I figured she’d be the perfect tour guide.”
I wondered if we flew into Shannon because I’d read him the beginning of her journey, but he also booked the very places she stayed … what an incredible gift.
“Carson, how will I ever be able to repay you for all of this?”
He doesn’t have time to answer because we’re next in line. I silently read my mother’s first day as he signs the paperwork for our rental.
We’re going to the Cliffs of Moher today. My mother wrote that it was the perfect place to begin.
“This has all been easier than I thought,” Carson says as we look for our car. “Can you believe they just let us in a whole ass other country, and gave us a car?”
“Honestly, it does all feel a little surreal.”
I laugh when we finally find our vehicle. “Okay. Okay,” he says, running his hand over the top of it.
“It’s a bit smaller than your truck,” I tease, handing him my bag so he can load it into the back. “Shit, I don’t think we can even fit both bags back here.”
“That’s okay, we have the backseat.”
We bump into each other, laughing because both of us went to the wrong side of the car.
“This is going to take some getting used to,” he says, taking in all of the bells and whistles of the car. “You sure you don’t want to drive?”
“Do you want to die?”
“I’m just shitting you. I’ve got this.” The wink he sends my way causes my stomach to flip clean over on itself.
We get out of the parking lot and onto the main road with ease, but as soon as we get off the main road, we realize how far away from home we are.
“Oh my god, the road is so fucking narrow,” he says.
A blue tractor is making its way toward us, so Carson pulls as close to the side of the road as he can. The sound of branches scraping along the side of the car makes both of us cringe.
“Fuck, it’s a good thing I paid for the insurance.”
“This is just plain crazy,” I agree, laughing so hard I think I might pee myself.
“Are you sure we’re heading in the right direction?”
“No.”
The next hour is full of laughter as we try to navigate the winding roads. Everything here is so new to us, yet old in a way I’ve never experienced before. It tugs at something inside me, like a memory of a time or place I’ve never known.
Eventually we make it to the parking lot of the cliffs.
“We made it,” Carson says, taking off his sunglasses and hanging them from his T-shirt.
He digs in his bag, handing me a granola bar. “I better text my mom and let her know we’ve made it. Although I’m sure she’s been watching my location like a hawk.”
“Tell her thanks for the snacks.”
He gives me a quick glance as he types. “I felt like a kid when she offered, but now I’m glad we have them.”
“Me too.”
He puts his phone in his bag after he’s messaged her. We skip the gift shop and head straight for the cliffs.
“It’s nice that we’re here off-season. I bet this place is crazy busy in the summer.”
I can’t even look around to see who else is here. My eyes are fixed on the horizon as we seemingly approach the edge of the world.
The wind blows hair around my face as I lean into the short wall in front of us.
Oh my god.
I’m standing in the place where my mother once stood. A knot begins to form in my throat, and everything becomes blurry as I place my hands over my ears, wanting desperately to know exactly how my mother experienced it.
Carson takes in the scene, but I notice him turn toward me after a few minutes. He doesn’t ask what I’m doing. He just watches me.
I take a deep breath, the salty scent of the ocean filling my nose. The emotion hits me all at once, and I begin to cry.
He shifts to stand behind me, placing a hand on the wall on each side of me, and he whispers in my ear. “It’s knowing the universe is always at your back as you face the wild unknown.”
A direct quote from my mother herself. A sound leaves my throat that would be embarrassing in any other circumstance, but in this one, it feels right.
I don’t understand how the simple act of delivering a pizza led to me standing in the arms of a stranger, in a foreign land, at one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen.
How does that happen?
I know it’s a gift from him, but it feels like it’s also one from her.
“I’m sorry,” I say, lowering my hands from my ears, wiping my eyes.
His arms wrap around me. “For what?”
“For being so emotional.”
He rests his chin on my shoulder as we watch the waves crash against the rocks below. “That’s nothing to be sorry for. It just showed me how much this means to you. How much your mom meant to you.”
“Seriously, Carson, I can’t tell you how much this means to me. My soul has been longing to feel close to her.”
He looks out over the ocean. “I don’t know what I would do without my mother,” he says. “I’m glad being here makes you feel close to her, but you don’t owe me anything. I never would have gotten to see any of this if it hadn’t been for you.”
“You didn’t need me to come here.”
“I think I did.”
I tip my head against his, because if that’s what he believes then it’s true. I certainly believe I would never have made it here without him. He was quite literally the only way I was able to get on that plane.
We’re both quiet as we walk hand in hand along the cliff’s edge.
We spend the entire day on and below the cliffs. He booked us a boat ride, and it was indescribable. I’ve never been on the ocean before. Another thing I thought would be terrifying but actually turned out to be quite invigorating.