35. Chapter Thirty-Five
Chapter Thirty-Five
Luna
The weeks have passed, and I’ve found my place here at the warehouse.
I’m happy.
But I’m sad too.
Nothing seems to be getting better in the bedroom. I try. I try. I try.
Carson has insisted we don’t try again for the foreseeable future.
“You’re trying too hard,” he said.
How else will it get better, if I don’t try?
I’ve tried everything … I’ve even dropped to my knees in prayer, crying out to a God that refuses to listen.
“That’s really good,” I tell Cole.
“You weren’t even watching.”
I sigh, rubbing my forehead. “I’m sorry. Show me again.”
He signs a complete paragraph.
“I knew you could do it,” I say, signing back.
“What’s wrong?” he signs without speaking. “Are you worried about Carson going on the run with us tomorrow?”
“No,” I sign back, more angrily than I intend. I grab my bag. I need to get out of here before I embarrass myself. It falls to the ground, all of my stuff falling out. Quickly I shove it back in.
“Let me help,” Cole says.
“I’ve got it.” I throw it over my shoulder. “I’ll see you whenever you get back.”
I hurry outside, jogging down the hill and disappearing into the trees.
As soon as I’ve stepped into the forest, I bend over, struggling to catch my breath.
I spin in a circle looking up at the sky. “What am I supposed to learn from this? You give me feelings for Carson and then leave me with no place to go with them?” I yell.
“How cruel is that?” I wave my arms around wildly. “Fuck you! Fuck you!” I scream at the heavens.
Oh my god. I’m going to explode.
“You’re a bastard, you know that? A fucking bastard.” I fall to my knees in a fit of tears. “I don’t care anymore. You win. You win. Let the fucking devil take me.”
“Oh, you shouldn’t say that,” a man says from behind me.
It’s Carver. I’d recognize his voice anywhere.
“You never know when the devil might be listening.”
I laugh harshly. “Good.”
He walks over and stares down his nose at me. “Looks like you’ve already let him get his claws in you.”
“Well, that’s what happens when he gets into bed with you.”
He laughs, dropping to a knee in front of me.
“That wasn’t the devil. That was just some weak little prick. The devil used him to get to you, and he’s winning.”
“I don’t know how to beat him.”
“You fucking take back your goddamn authority over your body.”
I look away from him.
“You command it. It doesn’t command you. That is where people make their biggest mistake. They let their body control them. Pleasure, pain. It’s always craving something, but the day you lose control and let it do what it wants, that’s the day the devil wins.”
He pushes his hand against my heart. “Goddammit, girl, your father might have touched your body, but he never touched this, did he?”
“I protected my soul,” I whisper.
“You protected your soul,” he agrees. “And that’s what’s important. Your body is just skin and bones.”
He looks me dead in the eyes. “When you make love to Carson, and you will, forget about the physical. You open your soul to him. Get lost in his fucking eyes, talk to him, feel his energy, not his skin. Lose yourself in a fucking universe that only the two of you get to create. Your father won’t find you there … I promise.”
I close my eyes, and when I open them again, he’s gone.
I pull myself up from the ground, wiping my eyes.
Carver was the least likely person here to get through to me.
I think I just met a side of him no one ever gets to see.
When I get back to the warehouse, Carson is looking for me. “Hey,” he says, studying me. “What happened?”
“Nothing,” I say, offering him a bright smile. “Are you guys all loaded up and ready to go?”
“Yeah, but I can stay back if you need me to. Jackson won’t mind.”
I wave him off. “No, seriously, I’m fine. I promised your mom that I’d run supper down to your dad later, so I’ll be busy.”
Carson watches his club brothers head toward their bikes. “I forgot Mom and Kelsie were taking the kids to Disneyland.” He rubs his hand over his forehead. “Aw, I don’t know, Luna. I think I should stay.”
Cole walks by and gives me a sad look.
I focus on Carson. “You’re going. Besides, I want to get all my stuff moved into your room.”
He smiles. “Okay. But you leave the heavy lifting to me.”
“I don’t own anything that requires heavy lifting.”
“Smart,” Carver says, overhearing us. He wraps his arm around Carson. “Come on, give her a kiss. We’ve got to go.”
Carson shrugs out from under him. “Jesus Christ, man, some space?”
Carver winks at me, but Jackson walks by and draws his attention away from us. “Prez, wait up, I want to talk to you about something.”
Carver officially patched over. That’s part of what this “mission” is. They’re really just going out to ride and relax as a club. I’m hoping Cole and Carson will break down and talk without me in the picture.
Charlotte told me it was easy to get Jackson on board.
“All you have to do is point them in the right direction. Most men will run with it,” she had said. “But it’s important you let them think it was all their idea.”
Who knows, maybe Charlotte will run this club someday.
I head back to the cabin after saying goodbye, and I get right to work moving my stuff out of Vinny.
“It’s been a ride,” I tell my van, running my hand along the side of it.
It doesn’t take long to get most everything moved inside. All of my clothes are now hanging next to Carson’s. All I have left are a few boxes of sentimental items.
I’m sure we’ll use the van. I still plan to travel, but it feels good to move my stuff into a solid home.
I’m already getting excited about decorating for Christmas.
I haven’t had a real Christmas since Mom was alive.
My fingers drag over my clothes one last time before I close the closet door.
I go back out for my last box. It’s filled with all of the paper origami my brother made for me when I was little.
“Hello, Luna,” someone says, walking out from behind the cabin.
I stop dead in my tracks. My brain is scrambling to make sense of what I’m seeing.
“Tim?”
“Ah, you didn’t forget me after all.”
“Well, no. Why would I?”
He laughs the way he used to, but something about him has changed.
“You’re too sweet.”
I glance around the property. “What are you doing here?”
He points. “My camper is parked on the other side of the stream. Dan said it would be all right if I camped there for a few nights.”
The hair on the back of my neck stands on end because I know that’s not true. Dan would never let someone stay out here without telling me.
“Oh. That’s nice.” I take a small step toward the house.
“You want to come down and fish. It’ll be just like old times.”
Tim showed up to the campground I was stranded at in Cheyenne a few days after I did. It was quite a coincidence because we had stayed at the same place the week before in Texas.
Anyway, I got a job at Pizza Hut and then so did he.
He’s always been so nice to me.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I can’t. I, um, I’m busy.”
When he makes a move toward me, I drop the box in my hands and run inside, locking the door behind me. I look toward the back door. I run through the house, grabbing a knife out of the block on the counter as I pass by.
He beats me to the door, stepping inside.
“I waited a long time for a girl like you to come around … timid, shy … alone.”
He matches my steps as I back away.
“And then two fucking Rebel Skulls show up.” He laughs harshly. “I’ve been waiting nearby for the moment they would let their guard down and leave you alone.” His eyes rake over my body.
“No,” I tell him shakily.
“No?” His smile twists. “No, what?”
“I’m sorry. I’m not interested in you.”
His laugh is wicked. “I’m not interested in you. You’re not my type. I prefer my women a little feistier.”
I wave the knife in my hand. “You want feisty?”
He tips his head back and stares up at the ceiling. “I’d prefer if this didn’t get messy. I’ll give you one chance to come to me.”
Then Tim … nice guy Tim … pulls a gun from his pants and points it directly at me.
My fingers tighten around the knife in my hand.
“Take authority over your body.”
“Put the knife down, and come here, Luna.”
I slowly lift the knife. “But what if I like messy?” I ask.
He runs his tongue over his teeth, clearly not expecting my answer.
As soon as he opens his mouth to order me to go to him, I throw the knife as hard as I can. It sticks straight into the shoulder of the arm holding the gun.
The gun fires, the sound knocking me back for a moment.
A sting burns at my side.
Tim notices the blood quickly staining my T-shirt.
“I fucking told you this didn’t have to be this way,” he grunts, as he pulls the knife from his shoulder.
I turn, fumbling with the lock on the door as he raises the gun again. “Stop right there.”
But I don’t.
He fires again, this time missing me.
I lose my footing on the stairs and roll down the last two steps, landing hard on my side at the bottom. “Fuck!” I yell.
“Fucking bitch,” I hear Tim say as he appears in the doorway.
I manage to scramble to my feet.
“Run, baby, run … he’ll save you,” my mother whispers on the breeze.
So that’s what I do.
Dan is already running toward me on the path behind their house. “Go back,” I yell. “He has a gun!”
I don’t want to get Dan killed too.
He wraps his arm around me, scanning the horizon. “Get inside,” he tells me, shoving me toward his house.
I try to look back but he yells. “Run!”
Tim comes around the bend, and I spin on my heel and run.
The sound of a gun firing hits my ears as soon as I step inside.
And then there’s another.
“Oh my god,” I rasp, grabbing a towel and pressing it to my side. I climb up the stairs, praying that Dan is not dying amongst the sunflowers.
I run into one of their bedrooms and open the closet door, diving inside.
My hands shake as I close it slowly, trying not to make a sound.
Please don’t let Dan be dead. Please don’t let him be dead.
“I’m sorry I yelled at you today, God. I’m so sorry.”
Please. Please. Please.
I squeeze my eyes closed and go within.
I’d seen Forrest Gump when I was little, and there was a scene where a frightened girl prayed for God to help her escape. After that, whenever I hid in my closet, I made up a prayer of my own.
Somewhere safe. Somewhere far away. Please, God, take me somewhere safe.
I’d whisper it over and over until I believed maybe He could hear me.