Chapter 9 #3
It shouldn’t hurt since I cultivated it on purpose as a way to keep people at arm’s length. But it does. I don’t like the thought that she ever saw me that way.
“Before I met you. But I saw you with the women in the Four Families. You’re respectful toward them just like the other men in the families.
I never thought you were manipulating me for sex.
I suspected you were a hit-it-and-quit-it guy, but I hoped I’d be different. I just didn’t realize you were shy.”
“You are different. You have been from the start. It’s why it hurt thinking you were brushing me off. For the umpteenth time in my life, I wish I was better at talking to people outside my family.”
“You’re doing well now.”
We climb off the bed and dress as we continue to talk.
“I feel comfortable around you.”
“Except for when you don’t.” She cocks an eyebrow.
“Except for when I completely misread the situation.”
“I think we’ve agreed we both screwed the pooch on this one. But we’re on the right path now. That’s what matters. No more recriminations, Joaco.”
“We can move on now that we know how things stand.”
She sucks in her lips before she nods. We haven’t resolved the pregnancy test issue, which means we haven’t resolved the bigger elephant in the room.
“I want you with me when I take it.”
“Do you want to do it today?”
“Yes. Now that the idea’s implanted in my brain, I won’t be able to do anything else until I know.”
“And you still want me with you?” I don’t know why I need to double—triple—quadruple check.
“Absolutely. There’s a pharmacy a block away.”
“Would you be most comfortable taking it at your place?”
“Short of using the restroom there because I’m impatient, I think so.”
She slips her shoes back on as she watches me. I pull on my socks and shoes, and when I straighten, she rests her hand on my chest. Her lips twist before she speaks again.
“Would you prefer we did it at your place? Would that make you more comfortable?”
I shake my head. How do I say, “I want you to be able to kick me out if you realize I ruined your life rather than make you go home alone after I fucked up everything?”
“What am I to you around your family?”
I know what I want to say, but there’s no way she’s ready for the level of commitment I want.
“I don’t want to see anyone else, Tre. But we also haven’t even been on a date. I don’t want to rush you into defining something that might not be there for you.”
She looks at me as though I’ve lost my mind. I probably have. This shit’s been heavy in the last hour.
“After what I told you I want, and after what you’ve declared, I think there’s definitely something to define. That’s why I asked.”
“I don’t casually date. That’s not me by nature, and it’s not practical with my life. I wouldn’t have spent the night with you if I didn’t see us being more from the start. I want you to be my girlfriend. But I get that you’re not ready for that. We can say we’re dating.”
Her chin jerks back as she scowls. “When did I say I’m not ready for that?
You’re the one who assumed I didn’t think there was anything to define.
You’re the one who assumed I didn’t see us as more from the start.
Your assumptions will make an ass out of you, but I won’t let them make one out of me.
I know this life too. I know you don’t casually date, and neither do I.
It’s too complicated and too dangerous for someone who isn’t affiliated.
But I think our feelings have already jumped miles ahead. I want you to be my boyfriend.”
Warmth spreads throughout my chest. It takes a moment for me to realize it’s joy. It’s such a new sensation that I didn’t know how to identify it. First contentment, then joy. Who am I?
She slides her hand into mine as we walk toward the door. She reaches back, so she doesn’t have to let go as she passes through. We’re still holding hands when we reach the bottom of the stairs. We can hear the party’s still going, so we ease back into the crowd.
When she leans into me, it reassures me that she has keen situational awareness. She noticed my entire family’s spotted us within moments. I’m certain it didn’t take long for them to notice I was no longer around and only a minute longer to realize neither was Tre.
They’re scattered around the living room, kitchen, and even outside. My height gives me the advantage that it’s easy to see anyone I look for. I see no judgment in anyone’s gaze as I meet each person’s.
My brothers and cousins are smug if anything. My mamá and tías try not to grin. My tíos are all shooting me a warning that I better be good to Tre. Only Tía Elle is watching Tre as much as she is me. I see relief where there was concern earlier.
“Do you want to go right now?”
I whisper my question to be discreet, but also because I like the idea of having something private between my girlfriend and me. It doesn’t matter what. It’s just something for us. It’s a novelty.
“Your family approves of us. I don’t feel like bolting anymore.”
“Did you earlier or as we came downstairs?”
“Both.”
“My family trusts my judgment. They know you’re special to me.”
“Pregnant or not, nothing changes the fact I’m a Vizzini.”