29. Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter twenty-nine
Nash
“I’m sorry. I just took over that whole conversation when you wanted to talk,” I apologize, holding on to Carter still.
He pulls back, sniffling and wiping his eyes. “No, it’s fine. I feel better; good about what we talked about.”
“If there’s ever anything you need to say, no matter what it’s about, you can tell me, Carter. Please, don’t ever be afraid to talk to me about something.”
“I know and I won’t. I… trust you.”
I smile softly. “I trust you too.”
And because I want to, I lean in to kiss him. Just gently. A soft press of my lips to his.
When I pull back, he blinks slowly, and a smile forms across his pink lips. I want to do it again, but I won’t push my luck—I don’t want to push him.
“I’m sorry the food is taking so long,” he apologizes. “You’re probably starving.”
“Don’t worry about it. Find us a good movie to watch.” I hand him the remote, and he takes it cautiously.
“I don’t have any of the streaming services like you do.”
I take the remote back, and navigate to one of them to log in.
“There. Now you do.”
“You didn’t have to do that.”
“I hardly use them. Someone should.”
“Thanks.” This time when he takes the remote, he scrolls through the movies and stops on Momento. “We didn’t finish this last night. Want to try again?”
I think there are a lot of things I’d like to try with him, but we don’t even know what this is.
We’re just… doing it. And that’s okay, but I don’t want to lose what this is by trying to turn it into something it isn’t supposed to be.
And I don’t want to fuck up this case. We’re so close.
Fucking this up with Carter could ruin that.
I need to be careful. Tread lightly. Let him take control, tell me what he wants—show me what wants. Hell, he can just take what he wants.
“Sure,” I say.
Carter starts the movie from the beginning because I hardly remember any of it. Roughly twenty minutes into it, the oven beeps. I pause the movie and we both get up. Just like last night, both of us peer into his oven.
“The light is broken so I can’t tell if it’s done,” he says.
“Well, everything was cooked before you put it in, right?” I smirk, repeating his words from last night.
“Right.”
He grabs his oven mitts, opens the oven, and pulls out the dish of lasagna. The sauce is bubbling, the cheese melted and tinged brown.
“It needs to sit for a little while.”
“This all feels so familiar,” I say.
He chuckles as he sets the dish onto the stove to cool, dropping the mitts on the counter beside it.
“Hopefully that means neither of us will get sick.”
“I’m sure it’s perfect.” I lean in to kiss the side of his head without thinking. It’s quick, but instantly turns the tension up. “Let’s continue the movie,” I say before I do something crazy—like box him up against the wall.
With a soft smile, he follows after me. When I sit on the couch, he sits closer than he was before.
“This okay?” he asks.
I lift my arm. “Is this?”
He leans into my side, laying his arm over my stomach while mine drapes over his shoulders.
I grab the remote and push the button to play the movie.
Neither of us says anything, we just lay together and watch the movie.
I feel him breathing against me, slow and even, the same way I’m sure he feels it from me.
This feels right.
I never thought something like this would feel right for me, but it does with him. It’s shocking, but I’ll take it. I’ve never been one to look a gift horse in the face and tell it to get out.
This could be a good thing. This is a good thing. No matter where it goes, or how it ends. It’s good. Because the more time I spend with Carter, the more I realize what he said is true.
Love is worth the pain.
I’m not sure I can explain what love is or how I would know that I loved someone who isn’t my mother or brothers, but I know I feel something for Carter. Something worth so much that I wouldn’t take it back, even if it hurt in the end.
My phone buzzes in my pocket. Carter gives me a little space so I can pull it out. It’s Jericho.
“Sorry, I have to take this.”
He moves to sit up, but I hold him to me. I don’t want him to leave; I have nothing to hide. I catch his smile from the corner of my eye as he settles against me again, pausing the movie.
“Hey,” I answer. “You good?”
“Yeah, I’m good. Are you?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Just checking in. Is that—are you out?” he asks, sounding shocked.
“No, just watching a movie.”
“Watching a movie? Who is this?”
“Fuck off, Jericho.”
“Why are you watching a movie? You’re not working? Are you with someone?”
“What do you want?” I say, not wanting to get into this conversation with him now. He’ll keep me on the phone forever.
It’s silent for a moment, and he makes a small, frustrated sound before saying, “I just heard from Hollis.”
“Fuck,” I mutter, running my hand down my face.
“He’s going back into treatment.”
“How much?”
“I covered it.”
“Tell me how much.”
“Nash, don’t worry about it. I’ve got it this time. You cover it enough.”
“Because you pay for everything else.”
“Just trust me, okay? It’s fine. Just… make sure you call him and check on him, okay?”
“I always do,” I say.
Just not enough.
“Yeah, you do. Miles and I were thinking you should come up this summer.”
“I just got here. I can’t take time off work yet.”
He sighs. “Nash—”
“What?”
“Never mind. Just think about it. I’ll call you later.”
I end the call and put my phone on the end table instead of trying to get it back into my pocket.
“Everything okay?” Carter asks.
“Hollis is going into treatment again, which means he relapsed. I haven’t talked to him lately, so I can’t be sure how long he was using for.”
“I’m sorry,” he says. “Do you think he’ll be okay?”
“Yeah, we do this a lot. He tries really hard to stay clean, but then something happens and he just… can’t.”
“You all went through something tragic. It’s affected you all in different ways.”
“Yeah,” I agree. “Everyone reacts differently. Just sucks.”
Carter seems to think about something for a moment before he speaks.
“Sometimes I’m grateful I don’t have any siblings or parents that I’m close with. The worrying is…”
“It’s a lot,” I finish for him.
“Is that wrong? Like, is it cruel to think that way?” The look on his face is almost fearful, like I may tell him he’s a terrible person.
“No, I think it’s valid.”
He kisses me, letting it linger before resting his forehead against mine for another long moment.
“Let’s eat,” he finally says.
Carter doesn’t have a dining table—there’s no room for it, unless he didn’t want a living room. There are two stools at the island though, so I grab us each a beer and sit while he dishes up the food. It’s still steaming when he sets the plate in front of me.
“I should have made garlic bread too,” he says.
“Trying to one-up me?” I question.
“Maybe.” He smirks.
The food is still too hot to eat, so we sip our beer and talk about our day. Mostly him telling me about how much fun he had with the schools visiting.
“Have you ever thought about having kids?” he asks.
It’s a casual question, not one that makes me feel pressured or worried like he’s asking me if I want kids with him right now. I don’t feel that way when I’m with him. It truly just sounds like he’s curious and is trying to make conversation.
“No. Have you?”
“Yeah,” he says with a thoughtful smile. “Ryan and I talked about it all the time, actually. We wanted to get settled first, but yeah… I want kids.”
“It’s not that I don’t want kids,” I amend. “I just never thought about it.”
“Because of where your life was at,” he adds.
“Yes. Exactly.” I nod. “I think my brother will have kids soon.”
“Really?”
“He’s always wanted them. His husband was a dick, and that never would have worked. But he’s with someone new now, and I think they’re good together. I think they’ll have kids.”
It hasn’t been long and I don’t know much, but I know my brother. I see the way he’s changed since meeting Miles. This feels like a serious thing, and Jericho is an all-in kind of guy.
“You said your brother dealt with a lot with his husband?”
I nod. “Yeah, they got married young. Well, Jericho was young. Franklin was old enough to know that marrying an eighteen-year-old who dealt with serious trauma wasn’t ready to make that kind of commitment, but he didn’t care because he’s a selfish prick.
They just got divorced. Actually, I don’t even know if it’s official yet, but they were together fourteen years.
Didn’t live together for half of them though.
Jericho has been in Chicago while Franklin lives in California. ”
“Wow, that’s something,” he says sympathetically. “You all have dealt with a lot your whole lives, huh?”
I shrug. “I guess we have.”
Silence falls over us for a few moments as we eat a bit and drink our beers. It’s a comfortable silence, with the typical city background noise.
“I think kids are great,” he says. “Especially adoption. I mean, you get to give these kids a life they may not have had otherwise. You’re giving them a chance, and that’s important.
Never mind all the cute stuff kids do. Like learning to talk, walk.
The baths and adorable outfits. I can’t wait to have kids. ”
“You’ll make a good father,” I tell him.
He looks at me with hope in his eyes. “You think?”
“Absolutely. You care. You have empathy, and that’s important.”
“Thank you,” he says softly, ducking his head.
We finish eating, and I wash the dishes while he puts the food away. All except for a slice he puts into a Tupperware container. The same one I gave him this morning.
“This is yours for tomorrow. Don’t forget it.” He holds it up to show me before putting that in the fridge too.
“Thank you,” I say.
“Just returning the favor.” He takes my hand. “Come on.”
Carter leads me back to the couch and we get comfortable like we were before, with him leaning against me and my arm around him. It feels just as right as it felt before. If not better because now we’re full and relaxed.
The movie holds my attention the entire way through, and I find myself interested in what’s going on, trying to put the pieces together with my cop brain.
His soft fingers brush across my side in a soothing rhythm.
Back and forth, back and forth against my skin.
I find myself paying more attention to that than the movie, and I have to keep refocusing my eyes.
I want to know how this ends, but a touch from someone else has never felt like this.
And then his finger slips under my shirt, and he’s touching my skin directly.
It tingles and prickles and burns in a way I didn’t know.
“This okay?” he whispers.
“Yes.”
He keeps brushing his fingers back and forth until eventually his whole hand is under my shirt, the warmth of his skin against mine a feeling I could really get used to.
My whole body grows hot, my dick grows hard.
He has to know what he’s doing. He has to have a thought in his head of where he wants this to go, but he needs to make that jump.
“Are you thinking about kissing me?” he asks, his head still resting against my chest and his attention on the TV, but I think he’s paying attention about as much as I am.
“Yes,” I answer again, my voice raspy.
My mouth is dry so I lick my lips but it does nothing to help.
“Do you like me touching you like this?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want more?”
“If you do,” I say.
“But do you?” He finally looks up at me, his hand still against my skin. The shape of his hand burns into my flesh, and I feel like there will be a brand in my skin when he pulls it away. My heart is racing a mile a minute.
I pause a moment, knowing the answer but needing to make sure he wants this too and wouldn’t do it just because of what I say. Nothing in his eyes tells me he doesn’t want this. He looks as turned on as I feel. Eager too.
I swallow hard. “Yes.”
He leans up to kiss me, his lips soft and warm.
I groan as his fingers dig into my skin and my hand goes to the back of his head.
He sweeps his tongue into my mouth, and I find it with mine, deepening the kiss, wanting so much more.
Wanting everything. Which is strange for me because I don’t do this.
Not even casually. But Carter… there is something about Carter.
He pulls back, resting his forehead against mine. “This feels so right.”
“Yes.”
It seems to be the only word I can form, because for the first time in as long as I can remember, my brain is off. It’s not going at the speed of light, wondering about all the ifs and whats. It’s just here. Focused on the now. On him. On us. On this.
“This… I…” He sighs, resting his hand against my chest and curling his fingers into my shirt. “I didn’t think I would ever feel something like this again.”
“Never say never.”
He huffs a laugh and smiles as he throws his leg over me to straddle my lap. Not what I was expecting but I am not disappointed. Instantly, my hands slide up his sides and settle at his hips.
“Tell me if it’s too much.”
“It won’t be.” I move my hands down to his ass, just holding gently. “But you need to tell me if it is. I’ll stop the second you tell me to.”
Nodding, he says, “I trust you.” Then he leans down to kiss me again, his body hard and hot against mine. We sit there and make out like kids. I feel his erection against my stomach and it only makes me harder. Mine is hard too, crushed beneath my slacks, aching like it never has before.
“You said you’ve never dated anyone…” he whispers against my lips.
“No, not really.”
“But you’ve slept with people?”
“Yes.”
“Men?” I nod. “Always?” he asks.
“If you’re asking about my sexuality, I’m gay.”
His mouth crashes to mine again, like I just gave him the best news he’s ever heard. I let him lead, go along with everything he does because it all feels good. And I just like him here, touching me.
We stay like this for a long time, him on top of me, our mouths connected, hands touching, small moans and gasps leaving us. Kissing until our lips are raw.
It’s perfect.