36. Chapter Thirty-Six
Chapter thirty-six
Carter
Work sucks.
Okay, it’s not work that’s my problem. It’s being away from Nash.
After spending the entire weekend with him, I didn’t want either of us to go to work this morning.
And even though my position is easily replaceable, his isn’t.
He has important work to do, and I can’t keep him from that job.
He’s helping people in ways not everyone can do.
It’s late afternoon, and there aren’t many people here. There is freezing rain going on outside, so people don’t want to venture out in it to come to the library. It’s all going to freeze into ice later on tonight when the temperatures dip again, which is the worst.
“How are you doing?” Eileen asks as she passes me in the Horror section.
“I’m good.”
“Yeah,” she says with a nod. “Yeah, you are. Better than I’ve seen you.” She’s giving me a knowing look, like she knows I have something to say, so I just say it.
“I started seeing someone.”
“Really? Oh, that’s so good. I’m happy for you. Is it that man you brought in here with you? That big hunk of a man? Cop, right?”
I chuckle. “Yeah, that’s the one. It’s going well. After the stuff with Ryan, I honestly never thought I’d get here.”
“Some people surprise you.”
“Yeah, they do.”
She finds the book she’s looking for and goes back to her desk to work.
Emails probably. Organizing. I’m not entirely sure.
I’ve never asked. We’ve worked together for two years but we’ve never talked too much about personal stuff.
She could tell I wanted to keep work and home separate and she respected that.
But now it kind of makes me feel like a jerk, like maybe I should have tried harder in the beginning.
In fact, I feel that way about a lot of people right now.
Like Kane and some of the others at group.
I’ve always kept my distance and everyone has always respected that, but…
maybe they wanted a friend. Or maybe they needed one.
Though, to be fair, I don’t think I could have been a good friend to anyone then.
I’m not even great now. I’m doing better, but I’m not where I want to be.
And I can’t let myself feel guilty over that.
I had to set boundaries. I still need boundaries.
We all do. I need to be easier on myself—otherwise, I’ll be right back where I was.
I don’t want that. Ryan wouldn’t want that.
I do feel guilty for not asking about the case lately, but I need to stop that too. Nash will tell me when something needs to be shared. He’ll update me when he can. Hounding him over it won’t be good for anyone.
“Carter, why don’t you go take your last break?” Eileen says loud enough for me to hear.
I head back to the break room and grab a snack. We keep some stocked in here. Small things like granola bars and cookies. I sit on the couch and pull out my phone to text Nash.
Me: I miss you.
I send the text, then open up a game to keep me occupied while I take my break, but Nash texts me back right away. He must be taking a break too. Usually when he’s at work it takes him longer to answer me.
Nash: I miss you too, baby.
Nash: I was actually about to text you.
Me: About what?
Nash: Can you talk?
Me: Yeah, I have about ten minutes left of my break.
The call comes in right after I send the text.
“Hi,” I answer, loving that he’s thinking about me.
“I have some news.”
I sit up, my heart skipping a beat.
“About the case?”
“Yes. A lot has happened pretty quickly. We have enough for a warrant.”
“You do? Wait—that means—”
“We got him. Well, we’re pretty sure it’s him, but you know, there’s a whole process.”
My mind goes blank as my heart starts to race even faster. My body grows cold and warm all at the same time.
“You have him?” I whisper.
“We have the warrant and we’re going to get him in about an hour. Which is what I needed to talk to you about. Are you able to get home okay?”
I huff a laugh. “Are you serious? I’ve been getting home okay for years. And for this? I’ll figure it out.” I shake my head. “Do you think it’s the right person?”
“Yes, I do. But I also know how the system works, so there’s no guarantee. But I wanted you to know, to hear it from me first. I’m sure it’ll be in the news or something because they always get wind of everything going on.”
“Thank you for telling me,” I say. “Seriously, Nash. You have been amazing. I can’t even—I don’t know what to say.”
A wave of dread washes over me, and I don’t know why. What am I worried about? Why am I reacting this way? I should be happy.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
“I don’t know,” I answer honestly.
“I’m sorry. I wish I could be there for you right now.”
“You’re doing what you need to do. You’re right where you need to be.”
“Yeah, I am. I always will be.”
“I know. And I’m sorry, I’m just… in shock. I can’t believe this is happening. That you… that you figured this out. In just a few weeks, when no one else ever did. Nash, I… I don’t even know what to say.”
And I said that already, but it’s true. My mind keeps going blank.
“You don’t have to say anything, Carter. I’m doing my job. I’m doing the right thing. What should have been done three damn years ago.”
“I know, but it’s so much more than that. To me, anyway.” Tears sting my eyes. “Will I see you tonight?”
“Absolutely. It’ll probably be late, but I’ll be there. I’ll call you first.”
“I can’t wait to see you,” I whisper.
“Me either. I’ll talk to you soon.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to say I love you.
But it feels like the wrong time. Not now, not like this.
“Bye.”
“Wait, Nash?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you. For all of this.”
“You are so welcome.”
I end the call and mindlessly finish my snack as I think about everything that’s happened over the last month.
I’m angry but relieved. I could have had this peace years ago if only these police did their damn jobs.
It’s unfair. Yet, had that happened, I wouldn’t have met Nash, and who knows where I’d be mentally.
Would solving it then have helped me heal by now?
Or is it because the murderer is still out there?
Nash would tell me to move forward, to not worry about the past. Don’t dwell on things we can’t change.
I think Ryan would say the same thing.
So that’s what I’m going to do.
I’m not going to be bitter and angry about what could have been. I’m going to look forward to the future. I’m going to be grateful that the man who murdered Ryan is going to jail, because I will do whatever it takes to make sure that man gets put behind bars. Whatever it takes.
Getting home in the rain does suck. I considered calling a ride but the rain has slowed so I suck it up and go.
Nothing has froze yet, so I don’t slip, and instead, just get really cold all the way home.
The moment I’m in my apartment, I close and lock the door and go right to the shower, shedding my clothes on the way.
I dump them into my laundry basket and hang my coat on the rack to hopefully dry by tomorrow.
It’s the only coat I have and winter isn’t over.
I turn the heat up a few degrees to help the process.
The hot water stings at first, my skin icy cold, but eventually it warms me. As I wash, I contemplate the day. Nash may have the guy in custody. He’s going to spend the night in jail. Maybe he will confess and this will all be easy.
Or maybe he isn’t the right guy at all.
Or maybe he is but he won’t admit it and they won’t have enough evidence to keep him. There are so many ways this could go, and I can’t begin to guess. So again, I shut my brain off and focus it on something else.
On the upcoming spring, and all the nights Nash and I are going to spend at the fire pit he set up at the house.
We talked about him buying a grill so we can upgrade to something other than the stove and oven.
I love the idea—all of the ideas we come up with when we’re lying in bed together, naked and sated.
We talk for hours. Other nights we say nothing but everything all at once.
I miss him right now. I do wish I could be with him during this time, but more so, I’m glad he’s the one handling it. Because I trust him to do it right.
I dress in sweats and Nash’s t-shirt that he forgot here the other day. It’s a CPD shirt from when he was working in Chicago, and it’s so comfortable. Soft and faded from years of use. A little too big for me, making it the perfect shirt to sleep in.
I crawl into bed, make sure my volume is on for when he calls, and I get comfortable looking for something to watch and fall asleep to.