40. Chapter Forty
Chapter forty
Carter
My apartment is too quiet, even with the city noises outside. The shouts. The sirens. The honks. City life sucks. There’s never any peace.
The microwave beeps, so I get up from the couch to get the leftover takeout from inside and sit back on the couch to eat it while I watch whatever free channels I have because I can’t bring myself to use the streaming services that Nash signed into. I deleted the apps.
There’s nothing good on, so I pick something at random, just for the background noise. My food tastes like ash, but I swallow it down because I need to eat. I need to take care of myself, get back to where I was.
I told myself I could have a week of feeling sorry for myself, for feeling like this, but that’s it. That’s all I get. I can’t take three years again. I won’t come out on the other end.
I stare at my phone that’s beside me on the couch. The only calls or texts I’ve gotten lately are spam or marketing stuff. What I need to remember is that I made this work once; I can do it again.
The only problem now is that I know Nash is there. I know he exists. I know I could reach out to him at any point and he’d talk.
I stay up at night wondering if he’s in pain, if he’s home, if he has anyone taking care of him. It would be so easy to pick up the phone.
This is so much different from last time. In ways, it’s harder. Because Nash is just a phone call away. But it hurts too much, and I’m not strong enough to handle it.
So I force the food down, then get ready to go to group.
I took a short leave from work, using only the benefit time I have, because I’m not in the right head space to deal with the public. It’s best I get over this while I’m at home, alone.
It’s Tuesday, so I have group and won’t skip that.
Getting there seems to take forever. My heart rate spikes, but I do well at keeping it in check.
It’s been hard to leave my apartment again, but I keep pushing because I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I’ve seen it. With Ryan, I was completely in the dark.
Now, I know it’s there. I just have to find it again.
I’m in the group room for just a minute, lingering with the others before Tim walks over to me with a concerned look.
“Carter, are you okay?”
“Fine, why?” I say, forcing a smile.
He gives me one of those smiles, the kind that tells me he sees right through me and my lie.
“You just look a little tired is all.”
“I’m good, Tim. Thanks for asking.”
“I’m glad you’re here today.” He pats my shoulder.
“Me too.”
He turns around to take his seat, which means the rest of us do the same. There are a lot of people here today so it takes a little time to get more chairs set up, but once everyone has a seat, Tim looks around at all of us.
“Thank you all for being here today. Who has something they want to share?”
A new girl talks first. Tells us that she came because her mother forced her, and since she has to be here, she wants to make the best of it, even though she’s an adult and doesn’t have to be here at all.
I get the attitude, I get the fight. It’s not easy facing your pain or even talking about it.
But in the end, it’s better to let it out than keep it in. That shit drags you down.
Her father was killed in a car accident. She was in the car. She survived. She doesn’t understand why.
Hey, that sounds familiar. So fucking familiar I almost want to laugh. She reminds me of me when I first started coming here. I guess I was a little more willing than she was because I didn’t have a mother to help me through.
“Carter, do you have anything you want to share today?” Tim asks carefully.
He doesn’t usually call people out, but I always share, and he knows I do. And he definitely knows something is up with me today.
I don’t want to, and if I said no, he’d let it go. Forcing people to talk isn’t what this is about.
I don’t want to talk about what happened and bring up this pain—it’s bad enough it just happened last night—but what did I just say? Better out than in. So I get into it. I tell the story. I let everyone know what I went through last night and how it’s so familiar but still hard.
“So, you broke up with him?” Logan asks.
“Yeah,” I say pointedly.
“What the hell for?” he asks.
A few people look around, concerned. I frown.
“Excuse me?” I say, then look at Tim, who is watching us both carefully. He’ll intervene if he has to.
“Say he quits tomorrow. Stays home for the rest of his days. Does that mean he’s going to live to be a hundred?” Logan says.
“No…”
“Then what are you protecting yourself from? His job isn’t the problem, Carter,” Logan says. “You’ve already learned the hard way that life isn’t guaranteed. And because of that, you’re scared.”
A few people nod in agreement.
“Of course I’m scared,” I say. “Who the hell wouldn’t be?”
“And it’s okay to be scared,” Tim adds. “But what I think Logan is trying to get at is that you shouldn’t stop yourself from living because you’re afraid of losing something.”
“Or someone,” Kane adds, winking at me.
Pieces of my heart start to shatter and I have no fucking idea how I’ll ever put them back together again.
“You can’t protect the people you love from life,” Logan says. “I think a lot of us know that. All you can do is love them while they’re here.”
I sleep like shit Friday night and call Winward Saturday morning to tell them I won’t be in because I’m sick. I’m not, but I’m not capable of helping anyone today—not even the animals. So I stay in bed and sleep until late afternoon.
It’s my phone ringing that wakes me.
Heather.
“Hi, Carter, how are you?” she asks.
“I’m okay. Is everything alright?”
“I should ask you that.”
“Huh?”
“I’m sorry, that probably sounds strange. I just had this feeling that I should call. Are you busy today? Do you want to come see Teddy? I think Ryan could use some company too.”
I have no idea what to say to her, so I keep quiet.
“Carter?”
“I’m here, sorry. What did you say?”
She lets out a little huff of a laugh. “Do you want to come by? I think you need it.”
“How do you know that?”
“Call it a mother’s intuition. Anthony is in the city if you want a ride.”
“I can’t… Heather, this is…”
“It’s fine, Carter. Trust me, you’re doing us a favor. Ryan had so much fun with you last time. He really does like visitors, and I wasn’t lying when I said we don’t get many.”
I sigh, looking up at the ceiling. Why is everyone so nice?
“Okay, sure. But I’ll Uber.”
“No way. That’ll cost a fortune. Anthony will pick you up.”
“Heather…”
“Don’t argue, Carter. Where can he get you?”
Groaning, I give her my address.
“I’ll let you know when he’s on the way. About a half hour, I’d guess.”
“I’ll make sure I’m ready.”
“Something is going on with you,” she says as she brings her cup of tea to her lips.
Ryan is still napping and Teddy is with him. I’ll visit with them when they wake up. Anthony is catching up on some work, so she and I are visiting in the kitchen, having tea like we’re old friends. She feels like a friend right about now. Maybe the only one I have.
I give her a look, raising a brow.
“You don’t look like you did the last time I saw you. Then, you were bright and happy. Now you’re like a rain cloud.”
I huff a laugh. “I’m like a rain cloud?”
“Yes. Like a big grey rain cloud that’s about to unleash torrential downpours.”
“Maybe I am. I don’t really know how I feel right now.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks gently.
“Not really,” I admit, looking down at the slice of coffee cake I took even though I knew I wouldn’t eat it.
I should because I don’t want to be rude, but my stomach hurts and I’m not hungry.
“I mean, I have talked about it with others, so it’s not like I’m keeping it in, and it’s nothing against you, I’m just so tired of thinking about it, you know?
” I run my hands over my face, then lean back in the chair.
She gives me a kind smile. “I understand.”
A door from the hallway creaks and I expect Anthony to walk in and sit with us. But it isn’t Anthony who walks into the kitchen.
“No way,” I breathe out. “Teddy?” I look up at Heather who is smiling.
“Is this really Teddy? She’s out here? She’s—” I look back at the dog who is watching me curiously.
That’s definitely Teddy. I’d recognize her anywhere.
She hasn’t changed at all. I can still see the hesitation in her eyes, but she’s here.
She’s on her own. She’s walking around the house. She’s—free.
“Come here, Teddy,” Heather says, patting her thigh.
Hesitantly, Teddy comes into the kitchen and Heather pets her.
I cover my mouth, wanting to cry again but I’ve cried so much that I don’t think I can anymore.
“Teddy has been through a lot,” she says, giving me a knowing look. “But look where she is now? I think we could take some inspiration from her. Don’t you?”