Chapter Thirteen
Devin’s POV
I couldn’t close my eyes without seeing them, without hearing them.
I knew I needed therapy pronto to make sure I would eventually not see it every time I tried to find peace in the darkness.
I needed to start working through that horrific sight, even though I was pretty sure even bleach couldn’t remove it from my iris’.
Even if I did manage to get the images to temporarily go away, the sounds of them together echoed through my mind, over and over. I just wanted it to stop. All of it. I wanted the torment I was being put through because of them to go away. I knew it was only a day later, but I couldn’t handle it.
I needed something else to focus on.
After a few hours of this vicious cycle, of seeing them when I closed my eyes, to hearing them when I finally got my mind to quiet down.
I was getting pissed. So incredibly pissed off.
Like how dare they do that to me, but now, to be forced to have the images and sounds burned into my brain?
! To be tormented and tortured with it, to where my only escape was sleep? ! That was its own kind of hell!
Like the knowledge of them together wasn’t enough.
Somehow the universe was like, ‘Wait. Come check this out,’ and held the curtain open with fucking spot lights and theatre lighting and great sound equipment so powerful it can pick up the mouse fart two minutes into the action.
“Could we see about getting me a therapist too, please?” I quietly asked Eddie and Em. They both nodded, Em taking my hand in silent support, and Eddie went out to talk to a doctor for me.
That was hard for me. Admitting I needed an impartial third party to help me work through my feelings.
We didn’t talk about feelings and shit with other people outside of the family, and even then, you didn’t talk about the feelings openly.
Diaries and journals were okay, talking to Mam or Pa one on one was alright.
But other than that, you had to keep it to yourself and soldier on with life, even when it was heaping truck load after truck load of shit getting piled on top of you.
These two knew that.
They were always there to support me, and over time that helped me to open up to them, little by little. It wasn’t much at first, and even now I still kept a lot inside. But this was a whole different animal. I didn’t think I could keep all of this inside of me.
It would kill me. Slowly.
Like a slow moving, hard to kill, cancer. The weight of all these warring feelings, and crushing tidal waves of sadness and emotion would eventually drown me, the weight of the war pulling me down inside of myself until I was lost forever.
Right now I wanted to systematically burn the world down around him.
I wanted him to feel as empty and hollow as I felt inside.
I didn’t want to have these feelings take root and live there longer than needed.
I wanted to be happy and free again. I wanted to know love again some day.
I wanted to smile and not have it feel foreign on my face, or like it was something I did a lifetime ago.
That’s how they felt right now. I knew I needed to sit with the feelings as this just happened. I knew this was all still so fresh.
But part of me feels like I knew this was coming?
Somehow? Almost like I didn’t fully let myself believe in him, or trust that he’d stick to his promises.
I don’t know if that was instinct, or if that was me becoming jaded.
I wasn’t sure. I just knew I couldn’t keep loving him, and it hurt.
But not as bad as I expected anymore. Maybe I would feel it more one day.
Eddie came back in at that moment, when I was barely holding it all together and nodded at me.
I felt small, but safe. Small, but somehow one step closer to who I needed to become to love and support the next me I ran into.
He took my bag and set it in the bathroom; Emilia ready and willing to help me get myself together before getting out of here.
I hadn’t looked at myself in the mirror when I used the restroom earlier.
I finally looked at myself when I walked back in there.
I already knew I was a little pale, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought.
I’d be fine after eating something light like soup or salad. I didn’t want to push my stomach too far, too fast.
Emilia pulled my clothes and toiletries from my bag as I sat on the seat in the shower, to help me get ready.
Eddie ushered everyone out so I could get cleaned up, changed, and sorted.
I washed my body quickly, and washed my hair, getting all the hair spray out of my hair, and toweled off when I felt clean.
I smiled when I saw that Emilia had my most comfortable jogger sweats, my HeyDude tennies, and the oversized hoodie set out on the counter for me.
I slipped the hoodie on, which I could tell was one of the ones I stole from Eddie when we were in college.
I felt a little better, surrounded by comfort in the form of my own soft, well-worn clothes.
*****
Three hours later, we were at the hotel suite I was staying in until my flat was sanitized.
We had already gone through most of the documents, gotten the majority of the paperwork laid out and ready to go, and only had to print and serve him.
The flat would be listed as something I wanted to maintain as my own possession since we were living together, and it would be getting appraised and on the market within the next month.
In the span of the three hours we had been working on things, not only had we managed to successfully draw up the divorce papers, we also got an outline for the lawsuit I was going to bring against his mistress, Becky.
Those were going to be delivered Monday also.
After she was fired from work since she was still within her probationary period.
I felt this evil little smirk pop up on my face.
We had just finished the novel that was the paperwork for my inheritance, just to be sure that Caleb and any potential future children between the two of us were never mentioned.
“Alright. I can happily say, this is not marital property either, and if he tried to claim any of it, he’d look like a fool. I would also like to recommend a prenup if you ever do get remarried. It protects both parties if they’re fair.” I just nodded, and we went to print.
The pages were printing at her office, ready and waiting for her first thing Monday morning.
I felt a strange calm blanket me, like the anger, pain, and disappointment were right under the surface, but I was determined.
That was a feeling I didn’t think would come out so soon, but I was happy it was there.
That meant I wasn’t completely broken. I wasn’t completely shattered and would be able to glue myself back together.
I feel like I just needed more glitter and bows.
“What do I tell people?” I quietly asked, mainly to myself, but was slightly hopeful that someone else sitting around my temporary room would have some sort of sage advice or bits of wisdom for me to help guide my next moves.
“You can tell them the truth. And as long as you don’t show the sex tape, you should be fine,” Amber said, with the shrug of one shoulder and the flick of her wrist. The confidence she oozed was something I wanted to have one day. It was like a superpower.
I want to have those one day.
“I’m going to tell our families and friends today. After you guys leave. How soon can the divorce papers be served? Do I have to wait until Monday?” I asked, curious, but also feeling like I wanted to be able to speak my truth. Without having to worry about Caleb’s reaction.
“We have to file them with the courts, so it does have to be some time after we file Monday morning to serve him. I can be there waiting on the courthouse steps at eight a-m.” Amber tipped up an eyebrow and I smirked.
“Can we serve both of them right after their HR meeting that morning? Deliver his divorce and her lawsuit?” I felt a bit of evil, a bit of petty, flaring low in my stomach.
“Maybe I could make my own musical card and it’s just the sounds of them fucking when they open it.
Or the clip where they were calling each other names right before the grand finale,” I tapped my finger on my chin, “Maybe I want a marching band there too, or a circus. Like a few clowns and a hyena. I kind of want to make a huge show of it.”
Just to be a bitch.
“And if you have to settle for him just, having them delivered right after the HR meeting?” Amber asked, looking amused at my inner monologue that spilled out of me moments before. I scoffed, and had a small smile on my face.
“I just want him to feel the same humiliation I felt. Because now? I’m a cold kind of angry. And I just wish he would have taken me out of his shit show before it erupted in his face.”
Amber nodded, as she and her assistant picked up all of the paperwork, making their way toward the door. Mr. Westwood was discussing a few things with Eddie in the hallway already, the two of them spending most of the evening chatting away.
My first call after I curled up on the bed was to my parents to fill them in on what Eddie hadn’t yet. They told me they were already waiting at the airport, boarding had just started for their flight that was about to take off in twenty minutes.
The next call I had to make was going to hurt, and I knew it was going to hurt his mother more.
Caleb’s mother always loved me, always doted on me, made sure I felt included in everything to do with their family.
She had always wanted a daughter, and she said that was me once I married Caleb.
She loved our connection and insisted that I call her mom.
The phone rang twice before she answered.
Let’s get this heartbreak started.