Chapter Five
Meyer’s Toys in downtown Laurelton was just the way Cassie remembered, a treasure trove of Legos and paint sets and battery-operated cars.
Cassie half expected Mr. Meyer himself to be at the register but it was a teenager she didn’t know, and she realized if Meyer were still alive, he would be her dad’s age.
She’d stopped in to look for a puzzle, something her dad might enjoy that they could do together.
With his sense of order he’d always been a big puzzle person and they’d spent many family nights around the coffee table.
She rifled through the ones on the shelf, but most were way too complicated, a thousand pieces or more.
He would never be able to manage that. Her heart ached with how diminished he’d become.
His decline was so uneven. He hadn’t yet lost the force of his personality and still spoke with conviction, even if he didn’t always know what he was talking about.
But after three days, she’d begun to hear the repetition, the “loop” was the way she thought of it.
He came back to chew on certain subjects, like the bees, that were top of mind.
Maybe a bee puzzle. He might like that. But she couldn’t find any and finally settled on a hundred-piece dinosaur puzzle. Was that too childish? She didn’t want to offend him either. Such a fine line to walk.
She was on her way to the register when a little girl skipped by with a doll Cassie had loved as a child, an iconic doll that had been around forever.
Blond and curvy and definitely not PC anymore.
What was it called? A flush of fear crawled up her throat.
Everyone in the world knew this doll. Why couldn’t she think of it?
This happened more lately, these sinkholes that swallowed her memory.
No telling why or when it might happen. One minute she was perfectly fine and the next she couldn’t remember a goddamn doll.
She squeezed her eyes shut right there in the store, trembling with the effort. It was right on the tip of her tongue. Something with a B. Why couldn’t she remember?
It came to her all at once. Barbie. Of course. They’d even made a movie.
She let go a shaky breath. Stress could do this, right? She was under a lot of stress. The divorce. Her dad. And now Andrew.
But Jesus. Barbie.
She had a way to deal with this. This raw terror of forgetting.
She felt for her purse. She knew exactly where the paper was—zipped into a side compartment of her wallet.
The name of the genetic counselor Shelly had found.
Her sister had located someone in New York and insisted Cassie write it down.
But every time Cassie thought about making the call her heart balled up into a tiny fist.
What if the news was bad? How would she go on with her life?
She’d almost tossed the paper a couple of times, but at the last minute something always stopped her. A grim insurance policy of sorts. If she wanted to know, all she had to do was make an appointment.
She was paying for the puzzle, still rattled by the Barbie incident, when her phone lit up.
“What’s going on there?” Phil said without preamble. “How’s your dad?”
“You want the long version or the short one?” She still found it easy to talk to Phil, but it often left her with a lingering sense of loss.
Not so much for him, but for her former life, when she had a partner to share things with.
Maybe that was why she’d missed the signs he was checking out, because they’d always been cordial.
Touching base about their day, conferring about Andrew.
Their emotional connection fraying so gradually she never noticed until it was gone.
Now, she was left trying to figure out what was next.
Friends urged her to try one of those dating sites, but she couldn’t imagine posting her picture online and hoping somebody swiped.
What was she supposed to say about herself?
Almost fifty. Might forget my name in a few years.
“There’s a long version?” Phil said. “That doesn’t sound good.”
“Shelly was right, he’s slipping. And crankier than ever.
I’m trying to get him help with those bees, but you know my dad.
I’ve got a beekeeper coming over today.” She felt a sudden, surprising warmth at the thought of seeing Marsden, which she quickly tamped down.
This was no time for a silly crush. “Anyway, I’m going to have to stay a week or two to get things sorted out.
I’ll work from here and go in if I have a meeting. ”
“Have you talked to Andrew?”
Her stomach immediately cinched with worry. “Not since Saturday. I tried a couple of times yesterday but couldn’t get him. Have you?”
“Yes, and it’s not good. He called me earlier. I wish you’d told me about this over the weekend. I thought we were going to stay connected about anything to do with Andrew.” His irritated voice.
“I thought you should hear it from him. He said he was going to call as soon as he got off the phone with me.”
“Well he didn’t, not until this morning. But it doesn’t matter now. What matters is that the university is convening a review board to look into what happened.”
“Oh God.” She stepped onto the sidewalk with her package. In the time she’d been inside, it had become cloudy and the raw morning crept through her clothes. “How’s the boy, do you know?”
“Apparently still in the hospital.”
“How did Andrew sound?”
“Scared, as he should be. This is serious, Cassie.”
“I realize it’s serious.” Phil could be so condescending; she didn’t miss that. Big Law hubris. She took a fortifying breath. No point arguing with him. “So what’s happening?”
“The frat is on probation, and this review board is going to be looking for someone to blame.”
“When’s the hearing, should one of us be there?”
“The twenty-third. I already called, and they won’t allow parents to attend. He has to appear alone.”
She thought with dismay of Andrew trying to hold it together.
“He’s going to be a wreck. You know how he is.
Maybe I should fly down for moral support.
I hate him dealing with this all alone.” Yes, Andrew had told her not to come, but what did a nineteen-year-old know?
He was in trouble and she was his mother.
“Don’t go. It’ll make him feel like we think he can’t handle it.”
“He can’t handle it. Where was his judgment the other night? You wink at all this drinking, but now look what’s happened.”
“For God’s sake, Cassie. You make it sound like I condone this. I’m as concerned as you are.”
For years, she and Phil had been on the same page when it came to Andrew. Phil, absent so much, had deferred to her. But college, and maybe divorce, had shifted the dynamic and now in ways big and small Phil constantly undermined her.
“I wish he’d get out of that frat house. I want him to find somewhere else to live in the fall.” She knew this was a losing battle. He’d pledged the same fraternity as Phil, and the two of them had formed an unholy bond over it.
“Let’s take it one step at a time. Right now, he needs to get through this hearing.”
“Is he allowed any kind of counsel, at least?”
“No. It’s not a legal proceeding. He just needs to go in there, tell the truth and show remorse. He’s never been in any trouble, so hopefully they’ll let him off with a warning.”
“What if they don’t?” She still had an uneasy feeling Andrew hadn’t told her everything. But she didn’t want to prod him and make him defensive. She’d never get anything out of him that way.
“Don’t get ahead of yourself.” Phil was beginning to sound impatient.
He wasn’t one to worry endlessly, he was a fixer.
Identify the problem and take care of it.
But she knew from experience that some things weren’t fixable.
“It’s not going to do Andrew any good if you’re a mess,” he said.
“That’s probably why he’s not answering his phone. ”
“I’m not a mess. You just said they’re looking for someone to blame. What if he gets expelled?”
Phil exhaled into the phone. “If he’s smart that won’t happen.”
“Since when are nineteen-year-olds smart?” She adored her son, but no college kid had any judgment.
At that age, she’d plunged into one relationship after another, numbing herself with parties and boys to avoid thinking about what was happening at home.
Too painful to hear her mom’s silence on the phone, already hard for her to follow a conversation with someone she couldn’t see.
Her dad tried to cover, but her mother’s silence swallowed every word.
At least Andrew had two functioning parents. For the time being, at least.
“I have a meeting in ten,” Phil said. “I’ll call if I hear from him.” He hung up, which made her feel cheated. At least he could have said goodbye.
She tried Andrew again, but of course he didn’t pick up. He was on Mom Alert now. He would never answer.
. . .
Her father was parked in his usual spot in front of the TV when she got home.
“So I thought we could do this together,” she said, showing him the puzzle. She expected him to scoff, but he looked it over carefully.
A memory rose up, fully formed. Heartbreaking in its specificity. “Remember, Mom used to make popcorn when we did puzzles. I always wanted extra butter, but Shelly only liked salt. We had to have separate bowls.”
A smile came to him. “I remember. Your mother spoiled you girls.”
“I miss her,” Cassie said.
His voice was quiet. “Me too.”
She drew up a chair and set a tentative hand on his. His skin was paper thin, almost translucent with delicate blue veins showing through. “I’m sorry that I haven’t been very good about coming home.”
He inclined his shoulder slightly. “You have your work, you’re busy.”
“No. I live close by. I should have been better about visiting.” Something unexpected welled up inside her. “I’m going to be better from now on, okay?”