Chapter 3
Seventeen years old
3
Splayed over my pink suitcase, I pressed with all my weight, praying it wouldn’t rip as I zipped it up, the fabric strained to its maximum capacity. With a sigh, I surveyed my bedroom, sadness hitting me. The steel-blue walls framed with white trims and matching faux wood furniture looked foreign now. As if I was noticing them for the first time. The lime-green, bright pink, and sunshine-yellow pillows sprinkled on the navy-blue comforter brought a touch of joy to the room. A far cry from the old décor consisting of charcoal walls and a black bedspread. Last year, when I decided it was time I took back control of my life, Mom offered to redecorate my bedroom with more colorful accents. To bring some happiness into my life.
“A, I don’t understand why you gotta move,” my best friend Iris said, perched on my bed, her arms around her folded legs, and her chin propped up on her knees. “Who the hell do your parents think they are? Robbing us of our last real summer together. We’ve talked about this since freshman year. I even indulged in that tiny piece of purple bikini because we were supposed to be wild. And say yes to every opportunity.” Her bottom lip swelled in a pout, and she pushed her dark hair over her shoulder. She blinked, her honey-colored eyes filling with questions. “Maybe I should talk to Mr. and Mrs. P. Do a presentation, show them our vision board. Or ask my mom if you could come to stay with us for the summer.”
I sighed and sat on my about-to-burst-open-any-minute luggage. “I told you. My therapist agreed too. I need the closure. And Uncle Mason offered me a job. I just had no idea my visit with my aunt and uncle would last three months when I suggested it. My parents say they need to figure out some things on their end, so I guess the timing is right. And Dad keeps repeating the work experience will be good for my college application next year.” I emphasized the word good with air quotes. Because, how could working thirty hours a week for the next few weeks be better than a summer of endless fun with my friends? I still had no clue. Following my stint in therapy, after I relapsed and harmed myself for the last time a year ago, I’d decided I would get stronger. Both physically and mentally. I wanted to do better.
I was desperate to recover.
Through my mental health journey, I realized that even though I believed I had fully healed, grief still had its claws deeply embedded into my heart. Despite myself, I kept being its prisoner, as darkness had an invisible pull on me. Over the years, pain had just become less obvious than it used to be. It wasn’t until I stood two feet in that the truth hit me. I needed more help. Alone, I wouldn’t succeed in chasing the demons of my life away.
Once a week, for a little less than a year, I met with Dr. Koffman, the therapist who treated me from the age of thirteen to fifteen. Until the terror of my nightmares left. For good this time.
Five weeks ago, I concluded that the closure I so desperately needed should happen this summer. I shared the idea with my parents at dinner one night, and the next thing I knew, I had a bus ticket and a job waiting for me in North Carolina mere days after the school year ended.
Talk about kicking your daughter out. It wasn’t the plan I had in mind when I voiced it.
If I’d been a rebel-on-a-mission teen giving them anxiety attacks, I might have understood their wanting me to spend some time away. But nope. Not me.
Straight A student. Barely complaining about curfews on the weekends. Never arrested for public indecency or driving under the influence.
They had no valid reason to kick me out. To cast me away for the summer.
The sunshine that was now back in my life disappeared six days ago. When my parents sat me down and announced I would be going away for the entire summer.
“Ava, listen. We know you might not agree with this, but we’ve decided, as your parents, it would be best for you to go to Feather Lake for more than a week.”
I parted my lips to argue, but my mother raised a hand to shut me up before I could express my disagreement. “We’re happy you’re thriving again. But there are things we need to tackle. Adult stuff. Uncle Mason and Aunt Melinda are ecstatic at the idea of having you over for a little while. Don’t get mad. We checked with your therapist. And she agreed it could do you good too.”
Even though their words made sense, it didn’t mean I had to approve of their decision. For me. I had plans of my own. Go there for a week. Come back here and enjoy my vacation with Iris. And now all of that had all gone up in smoke.
“Good?” Iris whined. “Your uncle owns a garage, for God’s sake, not a prestigious law firm or a research facility where you could help find a cure for Alzheimer’s.”
I buried my face in my hands, forcing shut my lids to keep the burning tears at bay. Soon my stupid emotions would ruin the last day with my best friend. I could express my feelings nowadays. It wasn’t always an easy feat, but I was getting better at it. Even though I still disliked when people witnessed my being vulnerable, I could let go when things overwhelmed me.
My dad…well, stepdad…but nah…in my heart, Craig had always been my father in every way that counted, said my emotions were wired differently, and I had to learn how to deal with mine in my own way. At my own pace.
I inhaled, chasing away my sour mood. The lump in my throat dissolved a little, and I brought my focus back to my friend.
Since my parents would drop me at the bus station first thing in the morning, Iris and I had less than twenty-four hours with each other, and I intended to make the most of it.
“Bonfire tonight?” I asked, forcing some pep into my words.
Iris jumped to her feet and circled me with her arms, peppering kisses all over my head.
“Stop, dummy. Yuck. Stop,” I begged, my sadness forgotten for now and replaced by a train of chuckles. “I’m not your chihuahua. Don’t kiss me like that. It’s troubling. And disgusting.”
She stepped back and picked up the phone she’d discarded earlier on the bed. “Yay, your smile has returned. Let’s not spoil these fourteen hours and thirty-seven minutes we have left.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Did you set a timer?”
She shrugged. “What? Didn’t want to lose a second of the shortest summer we had together.”
I pulled her into my arms.
“Anyway, you’re not going away without a proper goodbye.”
“Geez, you are speaking like I’m about to die. Can you just not make me feel like I’m leaving forever, please?”
She dropped her shoulders in defeat. “You’re right. But adding a little drama makes things more exciting.” She flicked her wrist, going back to the device in her hand. “I made plans. Bonfire. Midnight swim. Late pizza delivery. Night in the cargo bed of Lucas’s truck, because you guys will be apart for three months. Imagine all the times he’ll have to fuck his own fist thinking about you.”
I threw a pillow at her. “Shut up. And don’t scream that for the entire town to hear. My parents would freak out if they knew we talked about having sex.”
Iris gasped. “Do you think if they knew, they’d still send you away?”
“Yep. They’d send me further away.” I poked my tongue out. “An all-girls boarding school on a remote island.” I paused and inhaled. “About Lucas…we’re not together anymore. We decided to no longer date.”
Iris’s inquisitive gaze darted to me. “A, are you okay? What does it mean, no longer date?”
“Two weeks ago, we realized we were better off as friends. Even though we talked about sex, neither of us was ready for the next step. He’s just not the guy for me. We’re not going to force things. He wants me to enjoy my summer without having to miss him all the time. Anyway, it’s not like we’ll be together in college either. He’s moving to England to stay with his dad next year.” I shrugged. “Maybe it’s a good thing. It’s no big deal.”
She held my hands in hers and blinked. “Whoa, you guys are on a break. You would tell me if it was more than that, right? I know your penchant for romance, A. Your heart must be in pieces right now. Two weeks? Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I’ll be fine. Lucas and I, we’re still friends. We’ll always be friends. No matter what happens. So, I’m not losing him. And we chose to wait until the end of the school year. To avoid the rumor mill and make things awkward amongst our friends.”
“It sounds like an excuse for him to bang other chicks while you’re away.”
“The truth is that I don’t love him as much as I thought I did. I’m telling you. No one is getting a broken heart over this. It stung at first. And I shed a few tears, but it didn’t last. Deep down, I’m sure it was the right call. We’ll see how it goes when school resumes in the fall. If he were my true love, wouldn’t I be shattered right now?”
Iris offered me a concerned expression. She knew about my episodes.
I smiled at her to prove I was okay. “And I’m not. I’m rather kinda relieved. Don’t worry, okay?”
She tugged at my hand, and we both lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling for a long beat.
Iris was the only person who knew about my history. And why I acted the way I did. She was my confidante. And a sister to me.
“Is your breakup with Lucas part of the reason your parents are sending you away for that long?”
I shrugged. “I guess it’s one of the contributive factors. If I were to relapse, going to Feather Lake would be the main trigger. Or it’ll be the closure I need. We’ll see how it goes. But I’m confident I can do this. I feel stronger. And better about myself. There’s no darkness looming around anymore. And the nightmares are gone too. And I’m excited to see my aunt and uncle again. I’ve missed them a lot in the last few years.”
“A, this summer won’t be the same without you. Who’s gonna listen to me speak for hours about art exhibitions on my wish list or how my little sister is getting on my last nerves when she practices her violin? I better get a girlfriend now, or you know me. I’ll spend my free time at the library or hide in my room working on my jewelry line and miss all the fun.”
We both flipped to our sides, facing each other, and entangled our fingers. “I’ll miss you too.” A new mass, growing bigger and sturdier, took root in my throat. My stomach clenched as a fresh surge of emotions swirled inside me. A fat tear escaped from Iris’s eye, and the dam I’d been working hard to contain broke. And soon a heartfelt sob escaped my lips.
We hugged for what seemed like hours. Until my best friend pulled back and wiped her eyes with her fingers. “Girl, we gotta go. No way are we missing tonight. We said this summer would be all about getting outside our comfort zone. A summer to remember. Better start now.”
I nodded, my throat still too raw to speak a word.
Iris and I had been best friends since fifth grade. One September, she moved six houses down mine, and over the years, we’d been inseparable. And we’d never been apart for long. Each summer, when we were younger, we attended day camp together. When we went on vacation, she would often tag along. If her family did, I would get an invite too.
So, this…this summer away from each other, when we knew we’d be in colleges on different coasts of the country in a little over a year, was a hard pill to swallow.
And for the first time in all my seventeen years of existence, I kinda resented my parents. They’d organized my vacation without my consent. While Collin, my thirteen-year-old brother, was spending the next two months in soccer camp, a few hours’ drive from here, I was being shipped to the other end of the country for twelve weeks.
I changed into a pair of coral shorts and an off-white T-shirt with pink and orange palm trees stamped on the front. While I braided my hair over my shoulder, I looked at my reflection in the mirror and made sure no traces of the tears I’d cried minutes ago were left on my face.
“Ready?” my friend asked once we both regained our composure and fixed ourselves.
I surveyed my room as waves of nostalgia hit me. “All packed. Sure, let’s go.” I breathed out and followed her downstairs.
“Where are you girls going?” Dad asked as we crossed paths in the kitchen.
“Out,” I said, my tone missing the usual cheerfulness. Right now, I was upset and couldn’t fake being happy. For the longest time in my life, I pretended I was fine when I wasn’t. Part of learning how to express my emotions better was to stop faking them when I didn’t mean them. It was still a work in progress, but I was getting there.
My dad’s face fell. “But dinner is almost ready. I made your favorite meal. Iris can stay too. We wanted to spend the evening together with you. Since it’s your last night in town. Celebrate the beginning of the summer vacation. And your trip.”
I shrugged, fetched two apples from the wooden basket on the kitchen island, and tossed one to Iris. “Sorry. Usually, I would. But tonight, I can’t. We have plans. Don’t wait for me.”
Craig ate the distance between us and held my upper arms. “Ava…it doesn’t have to be this way. We know you’re upset to be sent away for longer than expected. But Uncle Mason is happy to have you over. He’s been looking forward to showing you the basics of running a business. For years, you’ve said you’d like to be an entrepreneur. Here’s your chance. You’ll get to see how much you like it before you apply to college next year. Decide if you still wanna pursue business management as your major. Think about it. It will be a wonderful experience and will look great on your application too.”
I turned my head, avoiding his eyes, aware my heart wouldn’t be able to ignore the pain I suspected was filling his eyes, but decided to not back down for once and hold my own. I was angry. My parents had to deal with it. They created the situation. My heart rattled in my chest. I hated confrontations. But by messing with my life, they should have expected my retaliation.
“And you’ll get paid. You’ll be able to buy that car you’ve been talking about. Or save it for some other grand project in the future. Trust me, I wouldn’t have agreed to this if I didn’t think it was a wonderful idea.”
Pinching my lips together, I sucked in a long breath through my nose, doing my best to avoid showing my dad how much his words affected me.
His shoulders dropped when our gazes connected.
I glared at him, or at least, I tried to. Why wasn’t I able to tell him how mad I really was? Instead, I averted my eyes, hoping my silence was enough to project my thoughts. See, work in progress.
“Fine. Go out.” He sighed. Knots tied around my stomach. I hated seeing him defeated. “We’re leaving at seven tomorrow. Just make sure you’re back here on time. Curfew is canceled tonight. You girls be safe. Call me if you need a ride later.”
Every cell in me strained. My body about to rip at the seams and expose my leaking heart.
I fought with everything I possessed to keep my poker face on. And the glower in my eyes.
Keeping my back straight, I said, “I’m sorry. Gotta go.” The only words I could muster right now without revealing the conflicted emotions surging in me. Anger, sadness, confusion, pain. Emotions I needed to sort out before they consumed me.
In one swift movement, I jerked away from my dad’s grip.
His arms went slack at his sides, and I saw the subtle shake of his head as I put more space between us.
Just as Iris and I were about to exit the house through the kitchen door, we bumped into my mother.
“Hey Mrs. P,” my friend said in her usual cheerful voice.
“Girls. Where are you going? We were about to eat. Craig cooked all aftern?—”
I strode out the door, avoiding a glance in her direction, knowing I was breaking their hearts, but unable to stop my escape. There was just too much going on at once. And it screwed with my composure. I had to walk away. And breathe on my own. I was sure my parents would understand when I explained. Later. Much later. Once the anger was expended.
I was well-aware my fleeing could paint me as a coward. But my parents hurt me too. Right now, I couldn’t deal with everyone else’s desires.
I exhaled the air in my lungs.
They chose to send me away, and I needed time to accept the idea. Yep, they should’ve told me weeks ago, not six days before the departure date. We should have talked about it. I should have been allowed to have a say. It was my life. My summer. And they meddled with all of it. A new wave of hurt rose in the depths of me.
“I’ll be back in time to board that bus,” I barked, slamming the door and bruising my own heart in the process.