Chapter 56 Azalea
Azalea
I wasn’t sure if it was a few minutes or hours later when Rhoden finally bustled her way into the carriage. Logically, I know it was only a few minutes, but I felt like I was staring at the spot where Braxton disappeared from for an eternity before the carriage took off.
Every single clomp of the horse’s hooves feels like a knife digging deeper into my heart.
Why does it hurt so much to leave a place I never wanted to go to?
I’m pushing away the tears that desperately want to spill down my cheeks, not wanting them to ruin the rouge stain Rhoden painted on them this morning.
Ever the observant friend, Rhoden hasn’t said anything to me.
I think somehow she knows that I need this time to myself.
Although, I’m not sure being trapped inside my own confused mind is doing me any good.
I shouldn’t have to remind myself that I wanted to leave this castle. I wanted to go home. I didn’t want Braxton, and I certainly don’t want the letter he slipped into my palm that is now burning a hole in my hand.
I groan and drop my eyes to the folded piece of parchment I’ve refused to open since the carriage started moving.
It will be roughly two days of riding before we get to the small town outside of the kingdom, where we’ll catch the next boat back to Minem Island.
It’ll be nearly a week at sea until I’m finally home.
I hold my breath as we reach the very edge of the castle border. I know exactly where it ends. The boundary I was never allowed to cross, and now these horses are about to trample right over the threshold without a second thought.
My breath stalls in my lungs as I feel an odd push and pull happen in my body as we cross the path, as if I’m squeezing myself through a small space, only to then come out the other side and be able to take a large breath.
As the odd feeling continues to dissipate with each step further from the castle, the grip Braxton has on my heart only seems to tighten.
I crumple the parchment in my fist and throw it on the floor of the carriage. I need to exorcise him from my mind and body. Taking a deep breath, I lean my head back and let the carriage gently rock me back and forth as I fill my head with anything but thoughts of Braxton.
As the prick of tears begins to burn the backs of my eyes, I feel delicate fingers reach forward and squeeze my hand.
Not long after the soft tuft of fur brushes mine and Rhoden’s joined hands, and a small smile fills my lips as I’m reminded that no matter how I might feel right now, I’m not on this journey alone.
Trying to keep myself from thinking about Braxton lasted one hour. One single hour, and I’m caving, practically throwing my body on the ground to retrieve the letter. To Rhoden’s credit, she did try to wrestle the letter away from me once she saw me diving for it.
“Azalea! You’re stronger than this.” She chastised through gritted teeth while trying to pry my fist open.
Sky’s Divine I’m weak. I shake her hand off.
“No I’m not. Let me read it once.”
Rhoden throws herself back on the seat with a huff. “Only if you let me burn it after.”
“Fine.” I would have agreed to just about anything if it meant I got to read the letter scorching my mind. The smooth parchment rustles as I unfold it, smoothing out the crumpled ridges that now mar some of the inked words Braxton wrote.
Wildflower,
I don’t know how to say goodbye to you. It’s not something I ever thought I would have to do. It was something I prayed would never happen, but I can’t keep you as my antidote when I’m your poison.
Know that this isn’t me giving you up. It’s me giving you life because you deserve that, even if it’s away from me. Whatever is left of my heart, you’re taking it with you. You’ve always had it, even when you didn’t know that you did.
I wish I could tell you everything. More than that, I wish you could remember everything. I want you to remember me for the man I was in the before, not the monster you’ve seen me become in the after.
Please know that whether I’m man or monster, I will always be yours. Even when you don’t want me. Even when you think I don’t want you. I will always be yours. Forever. Until my last breath.
I hope you get to live now that I’ve set you free from me. You are a rare flower that deserves to bloom freely instead of being plucked and planted somewhere in a cage.
I hope you bloom, Wildflower. If nothing else, I hope you bloom.
- Braxton
I blink away the mist in my eyes when I get to the end of the letter, scanning over his words again and again. I know this is a letter I will never let go of, even though half of it feels like a riddle.
With my fingers tracing the words, I can’t help but feel there is something familiar about them. Not in what was said per se, but in the writing itself.
My mind flashes back to the only other note Braxton wrote to me and delivered with a bouquet of forget-me-nots. I recall thinking that note wast a letter from Phillip at first, and then, a gasp is expelled out of me with such force I can see the corners of Braxton’s letter fold backwards.
My fingers reach for the box of Phillips letters I brought into the carriage with me. I wanted them close by in case I changed my mind and considered going back to the castle, but now I wondered if they would serve the exact opposite purpose.
Grabbing the first letter Phillip ever wrote me from the top of the stack, I unfold it next to Braxton’s.
It’s the same. The handwriting is the same. Every loop, every curve, every dot of ink is the same. Phillip never wrote me a single letter. It was Braxton. Only Braxton.
“Turn around.” The command is soft as it leaves my lips. “Turn around,” I repeat louder, my eyes still fixed on the letters and the clarity they hold. “Turn around!” I shout this time, but still don’t feel the carriage change course.
Rhoden looks at me confused, but with a huff, she turns her body around and begins smacking her palm flatly against the small pane of glass acting as a barrier between us and the coachman.
“Turn around!” she yells, and Luna barks loudly to join in on the ruckus.
“We’re going back to the castle,” I tell her.
Rhoden’s eyes round with shock. “We are?”
I nod once, and I don’t miss the low whine that rumbles out of Rhoden’s throat. The carriage stops, and the coachmen slides the small window open, looking at me quizzically.
“Prince Braxton had—”
I hold up my hand to stop him. “I don’t care. Either turn this carriage around, or I’m getting out and I’ll walk. Either way, I’m getting back to that castle.”
When he continues to hesitate, Rhoden fully turns to face him. A low growl rumbles out of Luna as her hackles raise, and Rhoden smiles.
“Okay, how about this? You turn around, or we’ll let the dog eat you.” Rhoden gives him a sardonic smile.
With no more questions and needing no further instructions, the coachman quickly closes the window before sitting back in his seat and turning the horses around.
“Thank you,” I smile at Rhoden.
She waves her hand at me before dropping her chin in it and resting it on the top of her knee. “Yeah he better be worth it,” she grumbles.
A weight that had been pressing on my shoulders lifts, making me feel light. Braxton is the right choice, and I’m not going to let him push me away. I’m coming back to him whether he wants it or not.
Though it makes no sense, Braxton is my home, and all I’ve wanted is to go home. I just didn’t realize I had been there the whole time.