Chapter 27 – Clawdia
CHAPTER 27
CLAWDIA
N isha and I returned to her living room as we often did to debrief after earth shattering revelations from visions. Dizziness had me sagging onto the sofa and burying my head in my hands.
I rubbed my temples as she poured a cup of tea and offered it to me on the tiny china plate. “I always find it helps after a particularly difficult session.”
“Is it always like that for you?” I asked. “It felt relentless.”
My head ached, but the tea did seem to help with the nausea.
“Sometimes. Less so these days.”
She looked down, but I caught the flash of guilt on her face. “What do you mean?” I asked.
She took a sip of her tea and pursed her lips. “That was your vision, Clawdia. Everything you saw was through your mind, not mine. You pulled me into your dreamscape since I am usually showing you visions, and it makes it easier for your mind to comprehend the truth.”
“The truth?”
“My curse is transferring to you.”
I dropped the plate, and it crashed onto the floor, smashing into tiny pieces which scattered far and wide. I gaped at Nisha in horror, my hand with the teacup still frozen near my mouth and the heat rising from the liquid made her blurry. She said nothing as she began cleaning up the mess I made, nodding her head as though she expected a reaction like that.
No, no, no, no. My stomach rolled, and I placed the cup on the table.
“The things I’ve been seeing, the children, Fafnir, Michael … it’s happening because I’m taking your power?” I asked shakily.
She sighed as she rejoined me on the sofa. “Like my mates, I’m dying. But this curse lives on and it will pass to you.”
Curse. The word seemed to reverberate around my mind.
“Explain the curse. What do you mean?”
“The Fates were like gods among the titans. They were females with the gift to see the past, present, and future threads and they didn’t die until another was born. My mates were the guardians of the realms. They were to protect the realms from the damages that titans throwing too much of their weight around could cause and throw off the balance. As you know, the linked dimensions are perfectly aligned to share power between them. But they were too late to intervene in a titan civil war in the human realm. They’d just met me and I suppose I distracted them from their duty.
The shadow realm portal was a casualty in a battle that should never have happened. It rocked the entire realm and beyond. And as it turns out, the Fates power was gifted from the power balance in the realms. As they died, they passed their power, their curse to me, and ensured the protection of my mates so I could handle the mantle passed. In protecting them, they ensured my mates did not lose their soul and their power when the shadow magic snapped, cut off from its realm. It cleaved the souls of all titans both in the human realm and in Tartarus in half. It was … the most brutal thing I’d ever witnessed.”
“You are the Fates.” I breathed.
“I am the Fates,” she nodded sadly.
“And you are dying?” I gasped.
What was I going to tell Baelen? His mother was dying. Maybe he already knew since his fathers had already told him they were dying, but I didn’t want that for him. I didn’t want him to suffer the death of his parents. Especially if it meant I’d received a curse.
I grasped her hands and squeezed them. “We can’t save you? There’s no way to stop it?”
“Nothing I can see.” She shook her head. “Even if there were, my visions are slowing so I cannot see it. Besides, it’s time I went back to my mates, and explained myself properly. I want to spend the rest of our years together. I need to see my brother, too. He’s been worried.”
If it wasn’t such a sad reason to go home, I would be happy for her. She had a wistful smile on her face as she gazed through the window. I couldn’t imagine being without my men for so many years, alone with only visions to keep me company. I shuddered to think about it.
Her gaze returned to me, and she squeezed my hands. “And I hope you will all visit in person before we pass too.”
“Of course we will.” I promised. “We are hoping to set up a home in Tartarus for Dralie to guard the apples. And if we have children in time, you will be close by to meet them.”
She chuckled, and it sounded slightly watery. “That sounds wonderful.”
My smile faded, and I whispered. “I’m sorry.”
“I’ve lived a long time, Clawdia. I’m not afraid of dying. I am afraid of passing such a terrible burden to you, however.”
“Did you do it on purpose?” I asked.
“No. I cannot control where this power lives on, but I knew it would be you.”
“Why me?”
“You are the first female with the titan soul bonded to its other half. You are a suitable host with lots of power and a complicated destiny.”
A destiny that seemed to get more complicated by the second. I don’t want this. I don’t want power. I don’t want the life Nisha has been living. Keeping secrets and seeing the most awful things. I didn’t know if I could handle it.
I stood up and ran a hand through my hair as I paced to rid myself of the frustrated energy buzzing under my skin. “But why is it so important to see these things? I don’t understand why visions or the Fates’ power needs to be preserved.”
“It is tied intrinsically to the balance in the realms. To maintain balance, you need knowledge of the entire history of time. Lives are so short, and so much can be distorted. There has to be a consistent way of preserving all that was, is, and could be.”
“Preserve it for what? Who? You haven’t been offering any words of wisdom to others, have you?” she took it to be the rhetorical question I intended it to be and didn’t respond as I continued to pace and think. I gasped as another thought hit me, “Baelen will be a god?”
“No. Thankfully not.” She assured me. “Only you will take on power. The gods’ gifts will die with them. Until the realms have been saved, you won’t be released from this magic.”
“The realms?” I gasped in horror. “All of them?”
“Balance must be restored.” She told me and when my face remained unchanged, she smiled and enthused. “But just think, you have already restored the shadow realm. I do not believe it will be the enormous task you think it will be.”
“But you’ve spent your whole life trying to fix the realms so you could get rid of this curse.”
She shook her head. “I knew it was possible for the magic to return once the balance has been restored, but I haven’t been attempting to get rid of the curse. I always knew I would die before I saw the resolution. I’ve been focused on ensuring you have the best chance to do it instead. My punishment shouldn’t be yours.”
“I don’t know if I can do this. It’s too much.” I sat down again, my whole body trembling.
“You can. You must. You have no choice.”
“But I don’t want to …” I couldn’t finish, but Nisha understood.
“End up like me.” She sighed, but nodded. “I understand. I wouldn’t have wished for this either and I regret so many things. Seeing outcomes makes one understand the significance of every tiny move. But sometimes that is so overwhelming we stop moving. Stop speaking. We freeze and pray that by doing nothing, regardless of the outcome, we can assure ourselves that we had no effect on it. But even inaction is action, Clawdia. Doing nothing is doing something. You must know how to act. You must think through every possibility and understand yourself enough to predict your reaction.”
I whimpered, my brain feeling fit to burst. “You’re scaring me.”
“I don’t want to scare you, child.” She sighed and stroked my head. “Think on my words. I have more to teach you and I won’t die yet. Come to me with any concerns or questions you might have about becoming the Fates, because once I am gone, it will be down to you.”
We were greeted like heroes as we portaled back to the task team office block. Isaac smacked Charlie on the back, Arabella shook Baelen’s hand and Savida wrapped Zaide in a hug so big that his wings followed his arms and enclosed Zaide inside them.
Still unnerved by my dreams, or visions, I couldn’t work up the enthusiasm to greet everyone. I pretended not to see Natasha and Naomi waving at me and instead nodded my head at Daithi.
“It’s good to see you back,” he said, but his eyes strayed back to Zaide. I couldn’t even form the anger at his easy dismissal of me.
“Can we talk?” I asked, feeling jittery.
He frowned, but nodded and followed me as I walked away from the crowd. I found a private room to pick his brain and pushed open the door to reveal a tiny office with a chair and a desk and some other clutter piled up in the corner. It wasn’t pretty, but it would do. I didn’t want anyone hearing this. Especially not my bonds.
When Daithi settled into the chair and raised a green brow in question, I began, “I don’t know how much you were told. The last few days on the island were hectic.”
“Regarding what?” He crossed his ankles.
“Visions.” I stated, and his eyes sharpened.
“Visions?” He asked. “I haven’t heard anything.”
“Or seen anything?” I asked, my eyes scanning him for clues.
“I haven’t.” He replied, and I paused long enough that he added, “My visions are coming to me when I ask for them now. I am focused on Zaide and Savida.”
I nodded. His friendship and loyalty were to Zaide, so it was understandable. “And there’s nothing untoward happening in those visions now?”
“No.”
I paced, wringing my hands. “Okay, well. I had a vision. Of children. My children. I’m not pregnant now and I don’t think I will be for a long time, but I saw a flash of them at the strangest moment and I knew they were mine. And when Sigurd was telling us about his past, I saw it. I thought it was my imagination, but it wasn’t. Nisha, Baelen’s mother, is a seer and has been showing me her visions in the dreamscape, but she told me that I’m having visions of my own.”
“You are having visions,” Daithi repeated emotionlessly.
“She said they are going to become more frequent and complex because she is passing her power to me.” I waved a hand. “Not on purpose, but because she and her mates are dying.”
“The gods are dying and you and your bonds are replacing them?”
“I don’t think we are replacing them, at least I hope we aren’t, but Nisha said I’ll need the sight to help us with our challenge of saving the titans.”
“Why are you telling me this?” Daithi asked.
I paused for a moment. Why am I telling him this? He’s not my friend. He doesn’t care about me. But I thought he would have some words of wisdom, maybe sympathy, as someone who also suffers from visions. He knows how difficult it is to know when to speak and when to hide information. He knows the emotional drain of knowing things that no being should. To feel the threads of fate slip through your fingers.
But from his expressionless face, it was clear that if I were hoping for comfort, I was barking up the wrong tree.
“I’m sorry,” I said and shook my head and tears welled in my eyes. “I just saw you and -”
“You think I might help you?” Daithi asked softly.
“I don’t know what I thought.” I blinked away the tears, disappointment making my shoulders haunch, and I leaned against the wall.
“I cannot offer you any advice. I hate my power. It’s a curse and the reason my whole life has been ruined. If I could cut it out of me, I would.”
I sniffled. “Didn’t you find Savida through using your power? And Zaide?”
“A silver lining to a very dark and tempestuous cloud.”
“How did it ruin your life?” I didn’t want to ask, but felt that I must.
For a moment, I thought he wouldn’t answer. He bent his head and clenched his fingers together. But eventually, he said quietly, “I had a vision of my sister. She was in danger and struggling against something, but I couldn’t see exactly what attacked her. When I came out of my vision, I tried to portal to her, but something prevented me. She never returned and when my parents learned of the vision, they punished me for not being able to save her. My mother and father were not kind people. I couldn’t tolerate their abuse any longer. I had a vision of another island. I portaled there and set up our home.”
I pursed my lips as pity for him trickled through me. “I’m so sorry. It’s terrible that you lost your sister, but I’m glad you were brave enough to leave your parents. No child deserves that.”
My mind flickered to the child version of Fafnir, who suffered neglect from his father and abuse from his village. But I shook it away before sympathy could creep into my heart.
“No. They don’t.” He looked up and the anguish in his eyes, so unusual for him to be so expressive, made me gasp. “It will get worse for you. Your mind will be constantly bombarded with visions at the most inopportune times. You will struggle to understand them. You will blame yourself when you cannot change outcomes in the way you hoped. And when you realize no one will understand you, or your visions, you will feel the immense loneliness I feel.”
“I’m sorry you feel like that.” I whispered. “Maybe we can make each other feel less lonely. Maybe we can workshop ideas on how to make this easier for us both and we can share our visions with each other.”
It was a long shot.
“You are very trusting and good natured, Clawdia. Don’t let anyone take that away from you. Becoming old and jaded is not a path I want for you. I welcome your idea for us to be partners in our curse. If we should suffer visions, it might not be so terrible if we suffer together.”
I gave him a watery, wry smile. “What a positive outlook, Daithi. Who are you? Are you feeling well?”
He glared. “You are not funny, human.”
“Can I even still be called that?” I wondered.
“I suppose not. You are a strange hybrid.”
“I am.”
Like a lightning strike, visions blasted my mind, and I fell against the wall, gasping for breath as I saw a future that scared me to death.
Daithi stroked my arms and called my name, but when I returned to the room, I couldn’t see him because of the tears pouring down my face. “I need to go,” I think I slurred.
He didn’t stop me but said, “If you don’t wish them to know, you’ll have to compose yourself first.”
And my heart chipped knowing that for the rest of our lives together, I would keep things from them, lie and redirect, just as I promised I wouldn’t do. But if it saved their lives, I would do anything.