Chapter 27
ETHAN
Cold sweat rolls down my back, and I’m having a hard time breathing.
My hands haven’t stopped shaking, not since Jett called me, crying, terrified.
When I got to Boots, all I wanted to do was hold him.
And then when I heard the recording—Renner’s threatening words, the fear in Jett’s voice—I swear my heart stopped beating.
Why didn’t I go with Jett? If only I hadn’t stayed behind to call my mother.
I fucked up.
I fucked up and look what happened.
I should’ve been there to protect him. And what do I do now? I’m so pissed at Renner that I want to scream or throw something. I’m also pissed at myself. My chest hurts, I feel nauseous, and my mind is spinning in ten different directions.
If anything happened to Jett, I… no, I can’t even go there.
I love him. I love him so goddamn much.
How did I let this happen? What do I do now?
There’s a bottle of vodka on the counter, and I reach for it but I don’t open it. It’s not like me to be indecisive. A couple of shots of alcohol is exactly what I need for my nerves. Never mind a couple, I want to drink until I can’t think anymore. Or feel.
But what if Jett needs you?
“Come on, bud, let’s get out of here for a bit.”
I shove the bottle aside and turn to face Dane.
“What are you talking about? I can’t leave Jett. Not now.”
“He needs to decompress, Ethan. And so do you. He’s with our friends, he’s safe. You need to walk and talk.”
“No,” I snap. “There’s nothing to talk about. Leave me alone.”
“You know I’m right.”
“Fuck off!” I roar and slam my hand on the counter.
Dane doesn’t shout back. He stalks up to me and grips my shoulder.
“That’s why you need to come with me,” he says calmly.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell.”
I need to do something. But I can’t let myself lose control. Jett’s frightened enough as it is, and he doesn’t need me making things worse.
“I’m your captain and this is my order.”
“Fuck off,” I mutter under my breath. “We’re not on the ice.”
“Now, Ethan.”
“No.”
“Ethan, you need to get out of the house for a bit. For his sake and yours. Before you say something you’ll regret.”
“Like what? Like I let Jett down by not being there when he needed me? Like I’m not cut out to be his boyfriend?” I hiss. “Like Jett’s better off without me?”
Dane shakes his head.
“You know none of that’s true.”
I don’t know what to think at this point.
“Things were quiet for weeks with that asshole, and today he was going to be suspended. I thought we were in the clear.”
“You weren’t to know.”
“Easy for you to say,” I snap. “It’s not Jackson who’s scared out of his mind.”
“No, it’s not. But beating yourself up doesn’t help you or Jett. Now come on.”
“Fine,” I say grudgingly. “One hour.”
We make our way out of the kitchen and into the living room.
Jett, Archie, and Jackson are stretched out on one couch, while Hudson, Gage, and Marshall are spread out on the opposite one.
Silas and Axel lounge in the battered club chairs that flank the TV.
They’ve probably skipped their afternoon classes to be here.
I’ve never been more grateful even though I can’t seem to form words to say thank you.
Everyone’s watching a soccer game, and the irony isn’t lost on me. It seems like ages since that day on the field. Since Jett looked at me with stubborn determination and I couldn’t look anywhere else.
I walk over and crouch down in front of my boyfriend. His beautiful green eyes are bloodshot and red-rimmed, and my heart clenches.
“How’re you doing, baby?”
“Tired. But better. Gage ordered pizza. After this game, we’re gonna watch movies.”
“Are you okay if I go out for an hour?”
Jett nods.
“Dane already told me. I think it’s a good idea.”
“If you want me to stay, I’ll stay.”
Jett leans forward and kisses me. I cup his face. My hand is still trembling. He’s still trembling. Fuck, did he hear me yell at Dane in the kitchen? Did I scare him?
“Go,” he whispers and offers a small smile. “I’ll save a couple of slices for you.”
The last thing on my mind is food.
“I won’t be long.”
“Take the time you need. Just, come back to me.”
I swallow hard and nod. Jett’s expression tells me he knows exactly where my mind’s at.
With one last kiss, I stand up and head for the door. Dane’s waiting for me, and I realize that I never took my jacket off when I came in in the house. Jesus, my head is messed up, and I need to set it right again.
We make our way outside, and despite the cold air, I’m finally able to take a full, deep breath.
Dane steers me down a familiar route, and we end up at the rink.
We walk down the hallway to the locker room and, as usual, we pass Damien’s office. This time the door is open, and when he spots us, he waves us in.
“Silas texted me. Is Jett okay?” Damien asks with concern on his face.
I nod.
“He’s holding up.”
“And you?”
“I’m fine.”
Damien raises one eyebrow, and I know he knows I’m bullshitting. Why else would I be here?
“Is there anything I can do?” Damien offers.
“Tell me no one else is using the ice right now.”
Damien offers a rare smile.
“It’s all yours.”
I nod.
“I have to warn you Coach; you’re gonna hear a lot of swearing and shouting.”
“It wouldn’t be hockey otherwise.”
Dane and I make for the locker room, and getting suited up is a routine that calms me. No matter where my mind’s at or what’s going on in my life, hockey is my constant.
Hockey, and now Jett.
I didn’t think I’d ever need another person or anything other than this sport to anchor me.
To make me happy. Until Jett came along and challenged everything I thought I knew about myself.
Now I can’t imagine my life without him.
It’s probably time I told him that, even if the idea makes me break out in a cold sweat.
Which is hilarious considering that I never have a problem vocalising anything.
Except saying “I love you.”
“You ready?” Dane asks.
That’s a loaded question given my train of thought, but I don’t hesitate to answer.
“I am.”
I tie my skates, grab my stick, and head for the ice. The warmup feels good, the familiarity of the rink centering me.
Until Renner’s hate-filled words echo in my mind.
Jett’s panic.
That feeling of powerlessness takes hold, and I slam my stick onto the ice in frustration.
“Fuck!”
“Shots on goal, bud,” Dane calls out behind me. “Hit it and hit it hard.”
I snag a puck and wind up, imagining that I’m aiming for Renner’s head instead of the empty net. The cracking sound of the blade hitting the puck is always satisfying, but today even more so.
I grab another puck and do it again. And again.
After I take ten shots on goal—and content that I’ve obliterated imaginary Renner—Dane and I play one-on-one.
At one point, I’m skating so fast that when Dane tries to block my way, we crash into the boards with a reverberating thud.
It’s nothing we haven’t experienced after years of playing, so we brush it off and keep going until our hour’s up and then some.
I’m so exhausted I can barely stand, never mind skate down the ice again.
“Feel better?” Dane asks.
I nod.
“Have you worked it out yet?”
Dane’s not talking about my anger.
“I have.”
“And?”
Without realizing, I offer up a smile.
“I think I should tell Jett first.”
Jett
I watch Ethan go and shove my worries down along with my fears.
It doesn’t work.
Maybe he’s done with me. Maybe this whole mess with Renner is too much. Ethan wanted a good time, not drama.
Archie nudges me.
“What’s going on in that big brain of yours?”
“Nothing.”
“You’re making a lot of facial expressions for nothing.”
I sigh and drop my head back on the couch cushion, staring up at the ceiling.
“I was thinking that Ethan wanted easy and simple, and this is turning out to be anything but.”
“The situation with Renner will eventually pass. You’ll get through it.”
“Yeah, but when? Maybe Ethan’s better off not having to deal with me and this situation. I’m making his life more complicated.”
“What if things with Ethan were reversed?” Archie asks. “Would you want out?”
“No, of course not.”
“Then?”
“I haven’t told him,” I whisper.
“Told him what?”
I glance at my friend.
“How I… how I feel about him. I mean, he knows. We’re boyfriends for fuck’s sake. He’s got to know.”
“He’s not psychic, Jett. What are you waiting for?”
I shake my head.
“Come on, Arch. Ethan didn’t want to have anything to do with relationships. If I say the words out loud, he might… leave.”
“He might temporarily freak out—”
I glare at my friend.
“That’s not helpful.”
“But it’s totally normal. Falling for the first time is a big deal. Have a bit of faith and patience, in yourself and in him. Trust me, the way Ethan looks at you, I don’t think you need to worry. He’s been all in since he laid eyes on you. He doesn’t see anyone else.”
I’m about to reply when there’s a knock at the door. I startle at the sound, and fuck, I guess I’m going to be jumpy for a while yet.
It turns out to be the pizza delivery. Gage and Silas spread the boxes over the coffee table and my friends dive in. My appetite has somewhat returned, so I select one slice and force myself to eat.
With the soccer game over, Marshall chooses a movie, a comedy, and I try to pay attention but my mind is on Ethan.
I glance at my phone. It’s been over an hour and Ethan isn’t back yet.
He’ll come back. Duh, he lives here.
He’ll come back and hopefully he won’t ask me to leave…
Two hours later, with the movie almost over, I hear the door open and my heart kicks up. I glance around to find Ethan stalking toward me.
“Hey. You’re back.”
State the obvious, Jett.
God, I’m so relieved and so fucking nervous at the same time. Like I’ve never talked to him before.
Ethan’s face is flushed from exertion, and his eyes look calmer.
“I said I would. How’re you feeling, baby?”
“Better. You?”
“Same.”
“Um, there’s tons of pizza left if you’re hungry.”
Lame, Jett, really lame.
“Maybe later. Come on.”
Ethan offers his hand, and I take it. He pulls me up off the couch.
“We’ll be back,” Ethan says to his friends.
I follow him up the stairs as we make our way to his room.
When he shuts the door behind us, I walk over to the bed and sit down. Words aren’t coming yet, and I feel so awkward.
Ethan moves to sit down beside me.
“Is this okay?”
“Of course it’s okay.”
He slides one arm around my waist, and I snuggle into him, notching my head into his shoulder. His warmth, his scent, it’s everything I need.
I’m home.
“I need to tell you something,” Ethan whispers.
I raise my head to meet his eyes.
“Yes?”
“Today was the most scared I’ve ever been in my whole life. When I heard you on that call, the fear in your voice, I—” His eyes fill, and he blinks rapidly. “Maybe my timing is shit, but I think we need to talk about what’s going on with us, me and you. This has gone way beyond how things started—”
Oh God, please tell me he’s not breaking up with me.
“—and every day it gets more intense. I’ve never felt this way about anyone, and sometimes I’m not sure I can handle it.
I was so sure that I’d never want a relationship until you came along.
But you deserve to know the truth. I haven’t told you what our being together means to me—what you mean to me.
I asked you to be my boyfriend, but I want you to know why. ”
“Ethan.”
“I love you,” he whispers. “I love you so fucking much, Jett.”
Tears well up in my eyes. The good kind. The kind that I can’t fight. And I don’t need to.
“I love you too,” I confess.
“And I’m so sorry I took that damn phone call and didn’t come with you, that I let you down—”
“You didn’t,” I reassure him. “I was sure it was over, that everything was fine. He hadn’t been near me in weeks. None of this is your fault.”
He sniffs and nods.
“So, you really love me?” he asks.
“So much.”
“Even when I’m loud and obnoxious?”
I laugh.
“Especially when you’re loud and obnoxious.”
“Aw, baby.”
Our lips meet in a kiss that’s as passionate as our words.
“I’ve been wanting to tell you for the past two weeks,” I admit. “But every time I got up the courage, I held back.”
“Given my past opinions about love and relationships, that’s not surprising,” Ethan admits. “Only, don’t hesitate anymore, alright?”
“I won’t, love.”
I move to straddle his lap and we’re hugging so tight I can hardly breathe.
Breathing’s overrated anyway.
THREE DAYS LATER
Ethan
“Ethan, love, wake up.”
I blink and open my eyes to find Jett smiling at me. We’re both lying on our sides, facing each other, and my body is wrapped tight around his. Mmm, I never want to leave this bed. I don’t know if it’s a side effect of being in love, but I swear I wake up every morning feeling punch drunk.
“Morning, gorgeous,” I whisper and lean in to give him a kiss.
“He’s gone.”
“Who’s gone?”
“Renner.”
My slumberous mood shifts to full-on alert.
“I heard from Hailey that Renner’s parents came up from Maryland yesterday. They’ve bailed him out and they’ve taken him home.”
“Is he allowed to leave Vermont given the restraining order?”
“As long as he stays away from me, yes.”
“Fuck, that’s amazing news.”
Jett bites his lower lip.
“I can walk around campus without looking over my shoulder.”
“I’m so happy for you, baby.”
I hug him tightly to me.
“But it’s still not over yet,” Jett whispers.
“No, but we’ll get through it. One day at a time, right?”
“Yes.”
“I think you need to talk to your therapist again. And maybe I can join you for a session or two?”
Jett nods and snuggles into me. I kiss his temple and nuzzle his hair.
“I think this news deserves a celebration.” Jett leans back and smiles at me. “Let’s do something fun.”
“How about a kick-ass party? Say yes, Jett. I’ll organize the biggest, loudest, wildest party you’ve ever experienced.”
“Wild, eh?”
Jett kisses me.
“The wild part is only with me,” I add.
“Deal.”