Forty-Seven
Stacy
But as I crawl into bed next to Mae in our convention center hotel room just eight hours before the competition starts, I just feel plain numb.
We’ve always placed top five since I’ve been a Shark. First, even, my sophomore year. It’s why we work so hard, why we kill ourselves with practice and training. We all want to uphold our wildly successful reputation.
It’s what I used to live for.
But tonight, I let my eyes close and give in to the simple truth — I don’t care anymore.
?
We place second.
My whole team is going absolutely crazy, the energy from the sidelines palpable as a genuine grin breaks out across our coaches faces.
We hug and cheer and holler before I go up to the center mat to collect our trophy, but it all feels distant.
Far away, like I’m experiencing gripping the second place trophy through someone else’s eyes.
The feeling of thrill is muted, dull as I shake hands with the judges and glance around at my cheering team.
My gaze finds Reece, who’s watching me intently next to Drew and Jamie. He tilts his head towards me, a faint smile passing over his face as my heart drops and my stomach churns.
Something left me the day I walked away from Reece.
A part of my mind, a part of my soul. I abandoned the part of me that gave a shit just like I abandoned Reece in that Airbnb in Nashville.
I’ve always looked for a reason, a why behind the way I work my ass off.
Maybe that why was Reece, that thing I was pushing for and waiting on was him and his unrelenting support and love.
Maybe it’s gone for good and the hollow feeling in my chest is my new normal.
?
The vicious winter wind is whipping my hair around my face as I make my way back to my apartment the day after Nationals. I decided to torture myself by walking to a nearby coffee shop instead of driving, hoping the twenty degree weather might wake me up, make me feel something .
It didn’t .
Now, I’ve got a cinnamon latte in hand to soothe my aching heart, frozen fingertips, and utter confusion rearing up in my mind as I walk up to the second floor of my apartment building to find my mom, my dad, and my pregnant sister standing at my unit.
I regard them hesitantly as I move to unlock my door. “Is this an intervention?” I ask, breaking the silence as I push open my door and usher them inside.
“We haven’t heard from you since Christmas break,” Mom says when the door clicks closed, the stifling heat of my apartment washing over me. “You haven’t answered our calls, Reece hasn’t either. We’ve been worried about you, sweetie.”
I wince at Reece’s name as I hang my coat up on my hook, wince at the memories of Christmas break and confessions of love, and slow, brutally sweet sex.
Memories of Nashville and a back alley behind a bar and shutting Reece out because of my own fucked-up inability to see myself as a valuable person.
“I’m fine,” I lie, unwinding my scarf from my neck.
My family exchanges worried glances as I settle onto my couch. Mom follows, lounging next to me as Charlotte takes the chair, Dad lingering by the door with his hands shoved in his pockets.
“How did Nationals go?” my sister asks when silence descends for too long.
I’m surprised she even remembers, but Charlotte’s always been more in tune with my life than my parents. So much of my anger and jealousy towards her comes from an unfair and cruel place. It’s not her fault she’s always been smarter, wiser, better than me .
It’s not her fault I’m so fucked up.
“Good.” I clear my throat. “Got second.”
“Ah, and you seem so ecstatic,” Dad deadpans.
I work up the fakest smile I’ve ever worn, an impressive feat for someone always faking their smiles. “I am. We worked really hard. Second is great.”
Mom pauses with her mouth ajar before finally asking, “Where’s Reece? He’s usually here whenever I call. I kind of figured you two were always… together.”
Something stings the backs of my eyelids as I slump back further into the couch, hoping maybe it’ll suck me up and spit me out anywhere but here. “Uh, not sure. He’s not here.”
My family stares, waiting for an elaboration as I give them nothing.
I give them nothing because I don’t know how to explain what happened between us.
The reason behind our breakup, my trust issues, the cruel way I’ve been acting towards him in order to guard my own heart… How do I begin to explain all of that?
“Stace,” Charlotte starts, rubbing her belly in languid circles, “you can tell us, you know. If you and Reece broke up… We understand. We love Reece but we love you more.”
I stare up at my sister, my eyes blurring as I take in her beautiful face. Her short, blonde bob, her stormy eyes, the soft angles of her face. She’s devastatingly gorgeous, smart as hell, determined and witty.
No wonder I can never compare to her.
No wonder I can never compare to anyone.
I bite down on my lip so I don’t sob in front of my family before mumbling, “Um, yeah. Yeah, me and Reece broke up. On New Year’s Day, actually.”
Mom, Dad, and Charlotte all stare at me in deafening silence before my mom turns to the rest of my family. “Jeff, take Charlotte to that sports bar downtown for some lunch. We’ll meet you there soon, yeah?”
“Mom—”
Charlotte starts to protest but Mom cuts her off. “Order me an unsweetened tea and a buffalo chicken wrap if they have one. Okay? Get Stace a grilled chicken sandwich. We’ll catch up.”
Dad looks stunned but shakes his head as he recovers, nodding at my mom before taking my sister’s hand and toting her out of my apartment.
My gaze follows them before my door clicks closed and I sheepishly turn back to my mother. “Why’d you send them away?”
“It’s been a while since we’ve talked, baby. Actually talked,” Mom says without a preamble.
I begin to gape but she doesn’t let me speak before continuing. “Why don’t you tell me what happened with you and Reece? What really happened.”
I hesitate as a million memories and images flash through my mind.
Reece finding my words for me on multiple occasions.
Reece sitting with me during a thunderstorm.
Reece serenading me in a bar, spreading out a picnic full of my favorite foods, Reece on his knees in front of me at a Halloween party.
Reece bringing me half a pharmacy to help me heal through the stomach flu, Reece taking the blame for our stunts falling, Reece making me laugh painfully hard while decorating a gorgeous Christmas tree at a snowy, idealistic Christmas cabin.
Reece begging me to stay. Reece asking for just one chance to change my mind. Reece still looking at me with love and adoration even after I broke his heart.
And the whole story spills out.
I sob and I wail as I tell my mother everything, from the fake start of our relationship to the very, very real end and everything in between.
I feel myself mutter words and truths that I’ve kept from her for years, feelings of inadequacy and judgment, fears of failure and never being good enough, insecurities that leaked out of my childhood and spilled over into my relationship, poisoning it.
The floodgates have opened and there’s nothing stopping the words and feelings until the story runs dry, my tears come to a halt, and my mother is staring at me with an agonized expression.
“Stace,” she breathes, touching my knee lightly as she scoots closer to me. “I never knew you felt that way, sweetie.”
“It’s not exactly easy to talk about,” I sniff, wiping away the last of the moisture from my eyes.
Mom shakes her head, her own voice cracking. “Baby, I am so sorry. I never realized what your dad and I were doing to you. Please know that I never meant to hurt you this way, Stacy. We push you because we believe in your strength and capabilities, but… Honey, we are so proud of you.”
The tears start to well up again as I glance up at my mom. “Really?”
Mom blinks rapidly before pulling me into a hug, rocking us gently back and forth.
“You are my intelligent, resilient, headstrong girl. I’ve always admired you, Stace.
Always . You deserve the world. You deserve to be happy.
You are enough, Stacy,” she murmurs. “Just as you are. You are very much enough.”
Something in my chest shatters at my mom’s declaration, my heart breaking apart and piecing itself back together at the same time. Hearing those words from my mother sends a ripple of emotion through my body, and I realize I needed those words a long, long time ago.
But I’m getting them now.
And hopefully, soon, I can begin to believe them.