13
After my breakdown with Theo the other day, I retreated back to my room and only came out again for food. I must have pushed myself too hard too fast because as good as it felt holding my nephew, I wasn’t ready to tear that Band-Aid off just yet. One step forward is like five steps back. I feel even worse than I did before, and wallowing in a darkened room with nothing but my own thoughts is not helping.
I need to put on my big girl pants and be productive, take my mind off my shit storm of a life and find a sense of normality—if that’s even possible.
Taking a trash bag from the kitchen, I begin clearing out my wardrobe, ripping my clothes off their hangers and stuffing them inside the bag without a care.
Everything has to go.
Call it a cleansing of sorts. A spring clean—only it’s not spring and my room is anything but clean.
My prom dress. My favourite pair of denim shorts. A dozen dresses for various occasions and double that number in shirts and tops. I just shove them all in until the bag is overflowing and weights a ton.
The dress I wore for my birthday party is the last thing to go in. This one hurts to let go of, and I hesitate before stuffing it into the bag. Alec kissed me for the first time whilst wearing this dress. I felt sexy wearing it, with his eyes raking over every inch of me. The feelings that swirl in my belly when I remember feels good, but now I can’t stomach the thought of ever wearing it again, not with all my scars on full display.
Satisfied I’ve got everything, I tug the heavy bag across the landing and drag it down the stairs with a loud thump on every step. I drop it onto the floor in the living area where Della, Reese and Gage are sat. Della’s holding Theo, gently bouncing him on her knee.
Their heads turn to me as I walk in.
Della smiles. “Hey, stranger.”
“What’s all this?” Gage asks, motioning to the bag at my feet.
“Clothes,” I reply before turning to the girls, “You wanna go shopping? I don’t like these anymore so they can go to charity or in the trash, I don’t really care. I need a whole new wardrobe.”
“I’m down for a little retail therapy,” Reese says. “Del?”
“Um…” Della starts, peering down at Theo.
“I can take him, angel,” Gage offers.
“Are you sure?”
“I think I can survive taking care of my son for a few hours. Besides, you could do with a girly day out without the baby. Go, have fun.”
Della squeals, rushing over to Gage and placing Theo in his arms. “Gah! I love you so much!”
“On the basis Alec comes with you,” Gage says, his eyes falling on me.
My shoulders drop. “You’re joking.”
“I’m deadly serious.”
“I don’t need a babysitter, Gage. I’m pretty sure Alec has better things to do than to follow us around a million different clothes stores.”
As if on cue, Alec appears in the doorway. Perfect.
“Alec’s job is to keep you safe. Either he accompanies you, or you don’t go at all. That’s the deal.”
“I can take care of myself,” I argue.
“That remains to be seen,” he grumbles.
I gawk at him, my mouth hanging open. Did he really just say that?
“Fuck you, Gage,” I spit. “Come on, let’s go.” I spin on my heel, not bothering to look at Alec as I storm through the house.
I know it’s not his fault. He’s just doing the job he’s paid to do, but I hate that I need a chaperone, and judging by my brother, I’m going to have to get used to it.
∞∞∞
For the next couple of hours, Reese, Della and I trawl through the shopping mall with Alec a few steps behind looking totally inconspicuous dressed in a full black suit that bulges at the side where his gun is strapped firmly into the holster.
He doesn’t blend in at all and the way he scans every person within a fifty metre radius has him turning heads as they walk by. But then again, why wouldn’t he?
The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end when his gaze drifts over me, warmth filling my belly and despite my reluctance to be babysat, it’s a comfort to have him here.
It’s my first time out of the house since I left the hospital and the crowds and noise is a little overwhelming. I’ve grown accustomed to the peace and the quietness of late, and I’m not going to lie and say that the hustle and bustle of the mall isn’t somewhat triggering.
I hate small spaces and feeling constricted. I hate having to squeeze my way through the throngs of people especially when Reese and Della momentarily disappear from my sight and a wave of panic crashes over me, but then I remember that Alec is a few steps behind me, and it eases my fears.
I look around at all the faces that pass by me. The men who abused me could be one of these people’s father, or brother, or their husband. They probably have no idea about their sick extra-curricular activities, their loved one’s secret double lives. That’s the scary thought. They look like regular people, but they’re the wolf in sheep’s clothing and as I know all too well, appearances are often deceiving.
“What do you think, Si?” Della asks, snapping me from my thoughts.
“Huh?” I’ve been so in my thoughts that I hadn’t even realised I’d followed them into a lingerie boutique. I’ve been on autopilot all the way here.
Della holds up a matching black bra and panty set to her chest. “Do you like it?”
“Yeah, it looks great,” I reply flatly, but I do my best to look interested.
This is the last place I want to be right now. Why did they drag me in here?
As Della and Reese gush over different coloured outfits, I notice Alec touching a sexy rose red lace bra with matching panties, his fingers dusting over the delicate fabric, and before I know it, my feet are moving.
“See something you like?” I quiz.
Alec squares his shoulders, turning his attention back to the door. “No.”
“Oh. I just thought I saw you taking a fancy to that red lingerie set. It’s a nice colour, it’d suit you. I can go and check if they have it in your size…?” I tease.
The smile tugging on his lips turns into a full-on laugh, a sound I don’t think I’ve ever heard before. I love it. His eyes find mine, staring down at me, his gaze turning heated.
“I think it’s more your colour than it is mine, princess. And I know for a fact it would look better on you than it ever would on me.” I don’t miss the flirty undertone of his words, and he clears his throat like he’s said too much.
The look he’s giving me has butterflies fluttering in my belly, my mind carrying me to a scenario in which he’d see me wearing such a thing, but then my brain kicks back in and my stomach sinks.
My scars.
I don’t think I could ever wear something as skimpy and sexy as that lingerie set, not with my imperfections.
I want to be able to feel sexy again.
Desirable.
I haven’t felt that way in so long. It’s a feeling I want to feel again, and the thought of Alec seeing me in something like that has my belly doing somersaults. But right now, I can’t imagine wearing anything of the sort.
Too much skin on show. Too many marks visible on my body that has my self-esteem on the floor.
“Are you alright?” Alec asks, his eyes flicking between mine, examining me.
“I’m fine.”
I can tell by his face that he knows I’m lying but he doesn’t press. “I haven’t seen you around in a while, not since you got back from the hospital. I wanted to check on you, but I didn’t want to push you or make you uncomfortable.”
“You could never make me uncomfortable, Alec, in fact you have the opposite effect,” I say, reaching for his hand, catching his little finger with my index, linking them together. The smallest of touches feel the most significant, the most intimate.
His jaw clenches. “Sierra. I’m sorry you feel like I’m your babysitter. My main priority is to ensure your safety, nothing more. I—”
“Alec, stop. It wasn’t you who pissed me off earlier, it was Gage. I get he’s protective but sometimes he’s too overbearing. I know it’s your job to protect me and to be honest, it gives me comfort when you’re close. It means I’m safe.”
He relaxes at my words. “I will always keep you safe, princess.”
Something passes between us, an unspoken promise woven within his words, because I know he’d never let anybody hurt me.
Something catches his eye, and after excusing himself, he heads off in the opposite direction to investigate, and while his back is turned, I snatch the red underwear set in my size off the rail and hurry towards the counter before I can talk myself out of it.
∞∞∞
As soon as I get to my bedroom, I drop my bags onto the floor, kicking off my shoes and rubbing my aching feet.
I sift through all the clothes I bought and pick out one of my new tops. But as soon as I bring it over my head, I know it’s all wrong. I thought the sleeves would be long enough to cover the burn on my arm from where they held a lighter to my skin, but I was wrong.
I tug it back over my head and toss it onto the floor, heaving a frustrated sigh.
Somewhere in the house Theo is crying, the sound carrying through the corridors, magnifying it and I hope to god Della or Gage get to him soon.
I reach into another bag and pull out a different top, and when I tug it down, my stomach bottoms out. There’s a thin strip of skin showing between the hem of the top and the waistband of my leggings, and there, straight down the middle is my hysterectomy scar.
I trace my finger over the raised skin that runs from my belly button to just above my pubic hairline.
Tears fall before I’m even aware.
No matter what I wear, I’m never going to be able to hide them. I’m never going to be able to forget what they put me through.
I’m never going to beautiful again—at least not in my mind.
My burns are ugly. My scars even more so.
Theo’s still crying somewhere, and somehow it’s getting louder.
Please make it stop.
I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
I rip the top over my head and throw it onto the floor along with the other.
My nephew’s cries grow even louder, the high-pitched wail piercing my eardrums like a knife.
Stop. Stop. STOP!
I curl up in the middle of my bedroom floor, my knees tucked against my chest with my hands covering my ears to muffle the sound, thought it does little to dampen it.
It’s all too much.
I feel like I’m drowning, my chest tightening so much it feels like I can’t breathe.
My heart pounds. The blood rushing in my ears.
My mind is in overdrive, a million thoughts firing at me all at the same time.
I just want it all to stop.
The overwhelming need to scream grips me so strong. It rises up inside of me like a tidal wave. I need to let it out.
So I do.
I scream at the top of my lungs, the sound drowning out everything else. Every noise. Every thought.
I scream and scream until all the air leaves my lungs and my throat burns.
And just like that, everything stops.