Chapter 23 Tyler
My body flashes hot and cold with shame. I don’t dare look at Sabrina, with her loose hair and flushed cheeks and swollen lips and that short skirt and soft skin and—
Focus, Tyler.
I keep my eyes fixed on Ryan, who looks nothing like his usual self.
He’s wearing an unfamiliar gigantic fluffy robe over plaid pajama pants.
There are fuzzy slippers on his feet; his nose is red and his eyes seem swollen.
Or maybe he’s just blinking in shock at the sudden light and the surprising sight he found below him.
My stomach tightens with guilt. This is not the Band-Aid ripping I had in mind.
No one’s speaking. All I can think about is how, just a few moments ago, I had Sabrina pressed against that door.
Since when do either Ryan or Sabrina have nothing to say?
Did I kiss all the words right out of that girl?
I’m looking between the two of them, back and forth, waiting for someone to give me a clue, but the air is thick with unspoken words, and neither of them is doing anything, and I have to say something or I’ll explode.
I clear my throat. “I thought you were going to Madison.”
He looks at me, open-mouthed, as if I’m the stupidest person he’s ever seen.
That was maybe not the right thing to say.
“I’m not feeling great,” he says slowly. He sweeps a hand over his Ebenezer Scrooge getup, and yeah, I guess I could’ve figured that out. “So, I stayed home.”
“Sorry you’re not feeling well,” Sabrina says behind me.
Her voice sounds weirdly cheery and fake.
Like she just tucked away everything real and vulnerable she unfolded tonight and is back into her typical mode, sweeping it all under the rug and smoothing over any hint of conflict.
“Do you need anything? Medicine? We could go get some!”
When I turn to look at her, only the expression on her face gives away her inner turmoil. There’s no light in her eyes—only fear. Fear of disappointing someone, of making someone angry at her.
I reach for her hand instinctively, but her fingers twitch away. I freeze, then shove my hand in my pocket. I try not to take it personally. She just doesn’t want to do the PDA thing in front of Ryan. She doesn’t want to hurt his feelings. I get it.
But my hand feels awfully cold without hers.
“What I need is for you two to explain what’s happening here.” He shakes his head, frowning in confusion. “Are you… together for real?”
I look back at Sabrina. She’s going to have to be the one to take the lead here—I don’t want to get in the middle of whatever the two of them have going on.
She bites her lip, and fresh resolve enters her eyes. When she turns back to Ryan, they’re soft in apology.
“Yeah,” she says. “We were just friends for a long time, really. I actually started talking to him because I wanted you to leave me alone. Isn’t that funny?
” She forces a laugh, but no one laughs with her.
This is one moment Sabrina, the Spirit Committee president, can’t smooth over with a bubbly joke or two.
“We thought we could go to homecoming as friends, and then you’d let yourself move on to Haley—because I knew you didn’t really like me, it was just one of your things—you can never let go of someone you enjoy flirting with—”
“And then we started to really like each other,” I interrupt.
Stay on message, Sabrina. I’m looking at her instead of at Ryan, and God, I’d endure any awkward conversation for this girl.
“But we just went on our first date tonight.” It was magical, I finish silently.
The best date I’ve ever been on. Please, don’t let this ruin it.
Ryan shakes his head, looking dazed. “This is wild.” He descends the stairs to perch on the bottom step. With his hair mussed and his knees poking up toward his chest, he looks like an overgrown kid. “I’m gonna need a minute. I just don’t know what to think.”
Fuck. Am I handling this right at all? Or was everything I’ve been telling myself—that Ryan doesn’t really care about Sabrina, that he doesn’t need to know how close we’ve gotten—as much of a lie as saying Sabrina and I are just friends?
The three of us stare at one another for a minute, the air only growing heavier with hurt and guilt and tension. I hate that Ryan found out this way—and when we were just about to come clean, too. After everything he’s done for me this year… I wince, my gut churning with acid regret.
Then Sabrina clears her throat behind me. “I think I should go,” she says. Every line in her body is tense, and she avoids my gaze as she backs toward the door. “Let you two figure this out. I’m just…”
“Sabrina. You don’t need to go.” My voice is intent.
This is between the three of us, and if Sabrina leaves now, I’m afraid we’ll never get this settled, and I’ll lose her to the front she puts on at school every day.
The one that smiles and smiles and helps and helps and keeps everyone happy. Everyone except herself.
She meets my eyes for one split second before she shuts the door behind her. I want to drop a kiss on her lips or her cheek or her forehead—anywhere to tell her this will be okay, that I’m still here beside her, that we deserve to figure this out—but this is definitely not the moment.
And then she’s gone.
Ryan stands again, wobbling slightly. What kind of sick is he? Should he be exerting himself like this? But I’m not about to tell him that I think he should lie down when he seems to be getting very angry at me.
“I get what you’re saying. But why did you two lie about it?” He shakes his head again. “I could’ve handled the truth, bro. You’ve been staying in my house. And all the while, you two have been scheming about me? Talking about me behind my back, figuring out how to manage me?”
I wince. That lands right in the gut. “I know,” I say. “You’ve been nothing but generous. You deserved better. But I didn’t want to do anything that would ruin this place, you know?” I swallow past a sudden lump in my throat. “I really needed it this year.”
“And did you have any reason to think I’d, what, kick you out?
Have I not been a good friend to you?” Ryan spreads his hands.
“I introduced you to everyone! Gave you every chance to start over! But now I get why you never had time to hang out—because you were with Sabrina, and lying to me about it? I thought you just needed space! But nope, it was just me you didn’t want to spend time with. ”
“I already apologized,” I say. My cheeks are getting warm.
As much as I understand his perspective—and I definitely shouldn’t have blown him off as much as I did—I’m getting a little frustrated.
Can’t he see how complicated this was for me?
Acknowledge that other people have feelings, too?
Maybe ones that are even stronger than his?
“You’re impossible to talk to about this girl!
I tried, okay? You insisted there was something between you still, and Sabrina insisted there wasn’t, and you two weren’t talking to each other!
What was I supposed to do?” I rake a hand through my hair.
“I really, really like her, Ryan. Will you two please, please just talk to each other so we can move past all of this?”
Ryan frowns. “I don’t know what there is to—”
And then my phone buzzes in my pocket. Normally I wouldn’t pull it out while talking to someone, but Sabrina just left, and her car is so unreliable, and she was definitely upset and trying not to let on— So, I grimace apologetically and take a quick peek.
Kate. It’s Kate, for the first time in weeks. With the worst timing in the world.
Hey, she says. Sorry to text out of the blue. Just thought you should know that John is officially out of commission for the season and he’s talking about pressing charges again. Hope you’re doing okay.
I read it twice just to be sure, and my heart sinks even further.
What is just thought you should know even supposed to mean? How much time has she spent listening to the guy trying to ruin my life in Brownsville—hanging out with him while she was keeping her distance from me? The betrayal stings all over again.
Every time I think I’m over it, there’s a new wound to remind me I can still bleed.
I’ll never forget the anger on John’s face as he advanced on Dylan that day last spring, fists clenched at his sides and vein bulging in his forehead.
The kind of mad that doesn’t make any sense, that can lead to real harm.
The kind of mad against which I had to defend one of the best guys I know.
Dylan doesn’t have it in him—he never had the aggression some guys bring to football—and John was nearly twice his size.
It was instinct to protect him, the same way I would on the field.
All I’ve ever wanted is for someone to defend me the same way. Instinctively. Without pausing, without thinking. For someone to know me well enough, deep inside, that they’ll be loyal to me when everyone else makes assumptions.
If shit with John hits the fan again… will anyone stand by my side? Will the girl I’m falling hard for? Will the guy who I consider a brother? Will the team I’ve started to rebuild with against my better judgment?
If John presses charges, it’s all over for me. He could ruin any chance of a scholarship—of even making it onto another team ever again—with just a few words.
There’s a lump in my throat that I can’t swallow down. My legs feel heavy, the long hours of my shift at the Lakeside catching up to me. So much work. So much work for nothing.
Ryan’s still standing there, waiting for me to respond, fire in his eyes.
But the fight has fizzled right out of me.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “We should have told you.”
That’s all I can manage before climbing the stairs to the guest room that I hope will still be mine. Because every fresh start I thought Hamilton Lakes was giving me is turning out to be an even more catastrophic dead end.