Chapter 25 Tyler
After a weekend of scrolling aimlessly through social media, rotting in the same hoodie in bed, and avoiding any interactions with Ryan, I have to force myself to go to school. It’s nearly impossible to shake the self-pitying fog, but I shower and pull on a clean hoodie, at least.
Today I take the bus, burrowing into my seat and clamping on my headphones and trying not to think about the ride I could be getting from Sabrina or Ryan.
I smile and wave to everyone who says hi to me at school, but I’m relieved no one tries to make real conversation.
I sit through my classes and take some semblance of notes, but the only thing on my mind is salvaging whatever’s left of my life in Hamilton Lakes.
Walking through the halls fills me with the creepy-crawly feeling of eyes on me and whispers behind my back. I don’t catch anyone, but I can’t shake the feeling. After the text from Kate, it feels like anyone could be saying anything.
I need to talk to Sabrina. She texted several times over the weekend, but I couldn’t bring myself to respond.
Couldn’t figure out what to say to her when the only thing echoing through my mind was all the conversations I’d somehow gotten wrong last spring.
All the people who didn’t want to hear what I had to say.
But I have to try. As soon as calculus is over, I bolt out of my desk to the door.
“Tyler, don’t forget the homework packet—”
I grab it without even meeting Ms. Moore’s worried gaze, and then I’m in the hall, pushing against the prelunch traffic on my way to Sabrina’s English class. This is one of those times when being bigger than most kids my age definitely comes in handy—they scatter to get out of the way.
But when I make it to her classroom, her teacher’s still talking after the bell, ignoring the room of students with their eyes on the door.
“While reading the final act of Much Ado About Nothing, please keep in mind the role of deception and false narratives. How do they intersect with true love? Can they ruin it entirely? And if they could, was it ever love in the first place?”
I frown. Damn, bro. What is this, some early 2000s rom-com?
And then he waves his hand in dismissal, and everyone’s out of their seats and rushing for the door, and all I can think about is Sabrina heading my way.
She’s flanked by Kara and Marissa, who only hustle closer to her when they see me. Sabrina’s eyes widen, and hurt flickers through them before she shakes her head. “I can’t do this right now,” she murmurs, and starts to walk past.
“Sabrina!” I jog after her, ducking my head to meet her gaze. The pain in her voice, in her face, stabs through me like a knife. “Can we talk? I haven’t seen you since Friday, and things ended pretty… abruptly.”
That makes her stop. She wheels, propping her hands on her hips and giving me a death glare. “ ‘Abrupt’ is right. And not only have I not seen you, but I also haven’t heard from you.”
“I’m honestly glad you’re okay,” Kara chimes in dryly.
“We thought surely some deadly accident had befallen you. Maybe your fingers were chopped off in a tragic incident at the Lakeside? Or you were in a coma after practice?” She pauses for dramatic effect.
“We couldn’t come up with any other reason you wouldn’t be able to text Sabrina back after taking her out. ”
I wince. Oh, I’m fucked if it’s not just Sabrina who’s mad at me, but also her friends. There’s no coming back from that.
But it won’t stop me from trying. Not when the glint in her eyes betrays suppressed tears. Not when she’s biting her bottom lip like she’s afraid it might tremble. “Sabrina, I can explain—”
She shakes her head. “Whatever, Tyler. I get it. It sounds like you have bigger problems than sneaking around with me.”
I blink, ice filling my chest. My eyes flick over to Marissa, who’s frowning in a knowing way. And then I get a very, very bad feeling.
Before I can think better of it, I cup Sabrina’s elbow loosely in my palm and draw her away from the others. She jerks away, and I let go instantly. I do my best to shove down the hurt, but my stomach is clenching and my pulse racing. What’s going on?
“What have you heard?” I ask, voice low.
Her eyebrows shoot up. Shit. Wrong question. “What have I heard? I don’t know, Tyler. You tell me. Maybe the things you should have told me yourself! When were you going to tell me the real reason you got kicked off your team?”
Double shit. For a moment, I can’t breathe. This is everything I was afraid of, everything I was hoping wouldn’t catch up with me. Despite how many nights I spent worrying about it, imagining what it would be like to lose everything all over again… the reality is so much worse.
I suddenly wish I’d spent a lot less time worrying about scholarships and coaches and the team. I should’ve been spending a lot more time worrying about losing the respect of the girl who’s started to mean the world to me.
“Sabrina, let me explain.” I force air into my lungs. This is Sabrina. She’s been there for me from my first day on campus. We’ve spent too much time together, gone through too much, for this to be the end.
The girl who said all those things in the diner would let me explain. The one who said She sounds like a real idiot wouldn’t jump to the worst possible conclusions.
But then Kara and Marissa step up behind Sabrina. They’ve clearly had enough of giving us our privacy and giving me the benefit of the doubt.
I don’t blame them for stepping in. Sabrina looks torn between fury and doubt and crushing sadness—like the unbreakable girl is about to shatter.
All I want to do is reach for her, but Kara’s there instead, wrapping an arm around her shoulders like a bodyguard.
“You’re not going to ruin her senior year,” she says fiercely to me.
“She’s been through enough. So maybe you should move along. ”
I want to scream, I know what she’s been through, but I can’t force the words out.
I glance to Marissa, but she just turns her hands up in a shrug.
She’s frowning slightly, as if she’s conflicted, but she slings Sabrina’s backpack over her shoulder and nods.
“You don’t have to talk if you’re not ready, Sabrina,” she says.
I duck to look into Sabrina’s eyes again, desperate. But it’s a different girl who’s looking back at me.
The one who told me how much it takes for her to trust people. The one who’s still bruised by the fights her parents had. Whose biggest fear is being hurt like that again.
The one who told me very clearly that she didn’t want any drama this year.
The one taught to be so afraid of confrontation that she hasn’t even had a conversation with Ryan this fall about whatever went on between them, and they’ve known each other far longer than we have.
That’s the girl who shakes her head. Whose next words are heartbreakingly quiet, her gaze fixed somewhere over my shoulder.
“I gave you so many chances to explain, Tyler. And you didn’t take any of them.
I just… I don’t know what to think. I can’t handle this right now.
Everything’s falling apart, and I—I just can’t do this again.
” She wraps her arms around herself. Her eyes turn glassy and distant, and she clenches her jaw, and I know she’s reliving a thousand moments that aren’t about me.
All every cell in my body wants is to step forward to comfort her.
But then she whispers, “How am I supposed to trust you now?”
For a moment, we stand motionless while students mill around us, tossing a few curious looks our way. Slowing down like you do when you pass an accident on the freeway.
Seeing her turn away so easily hurts worse than I ever could have imagined. After everything we did. After all the ways I tried to help. After all the ways I showed her I was an honest, aboveboard kind of guy despite my one gigantic secret.
The whole reason I transferred here was to get a fresh start from everyone else’s judgments and assumptions. And I thought she was different. I thought she was the one who would be on my side at least long enough to hear me out.
But she seems content that she knows everything. Has already made her own judgments.
So I draw myself up to my full height. The height that could hurt a guy. That never wanted to. “Fine,” I say coolly. “If you really believe those rumors are true, then you’ve saved me a lot of time. Have a nice life, Sabrina.”