15. Adam
Adam
Pregnant. Mia’s pregnant.
This asshole of a doctor could say it ten more times and still it wouldn’t be enough for me to wrap my head around.
Pregnant…hell, is it mine?
Of course it is…it’s Mia, for fuck’s sake. But holy shit, we’re having a baby? Now I might pass out.
Mia’s jaw drops, and for a moment, she’s silent. I’m sure she’s processing the same as I am, but then some sputtered thoughts come tumbling out. “But—but we used condoms? I just don’t—”
My brain goes into overdrive. A calendar pops up in my head. This had to have happened during Spring Training. We definitely used a condom, but there’s no telling if it got a small hole during travel…or hell, they aren’t exactly 100 percent effective. Shit. Shit.
Mia sends a quick look my way, her lip trembling. Fuck. I step to her, reaching for her hand. This news is consuming her; I can see it all over her face.
She takes my hand tightly before shutting her eyes for a moment and taking a deep breath. “Every time, we’ve used one.”
“Well, there’s a number of reasons for them to not be fully effective,” the doctor replies.
I’m not exactly sure if this guy thinks he’s being helpful or just an ass. But I know which one Mia feels like he’s being.
Her eyes ignite. This news might have knocked her back, but I still wouldn’t bet against her ability to have him in tears in two minutes.
“We appreciate you running the second test, and we understand that you’re very busy, so if there’s anything else…”
Dr. Bell taps on his clipboard as he looks over her stuff one more painfully slow time. “No, Miss Wright, after your fluids are done, they will discharge you. I’d recommend scheduling an OB/GYN appointment after this. Have a good night.”
The moment he disappears around the curtain, Mia turns to the nurse. “Please tell me the fluids are done. I would really like to process this literally anywhere but here.”
She doesn’t even have to voice her response for Mia to know the answer. I look over at the half-filled bag hanging from the hook. “If we could get a moment alone, that’d be great.”
The nurse looks to Mia for confirmation, and when she nods, she gives me a half smile. “I’ll get discharge paperwork started.”
“Thank you.” I wait a solid three seconds of us being alone before slowly moving to sit on the side of Mia’s bed so I can face her.
Fuck, she looks absolutely terrified. Nothing could have prepared me to hear that the woman I’m falling for is pregnant, but hell, this look on her face is killing me.
“Mia—”
Her head falls against my shoulder. “I know this is awful, but please, can we not do this here? I just need time to process this…we’re having a baby.” She whispers the last part softly, but I can hear the fight to not cry in her voice.
“We can wait.” My hand cradles the back of her head. I knew this conversation wouldn’t get too far here, and frankly I don’t even know what to say.
Mia rests her head on my shoulder while she takes her fluids. Not speaking a word or shedding a tear from what I can tell. I’ve never really considered mind reading to be the superpower I would want, but hell, I could really use that now.
My mind hasn’t stopped thinking of the idea of a baby. My baby—with Mia. The baby I’m the father of…
And that is exactly when I start to spiral.
A dad. I’m going to be a father. Shit, I don’t know the first thing about being a good dad. I suppose I could talk to Jett and Dex about it. God knows I want nothing from my father, but those guys seem to have it figured out.
And then there’s Mia…
Whatever this is between us is so new, but I can see myself spending my life with her. I love her confidence, her intelligence—I want to be with her. I still fucking do. There’re no “buts” about it. But I don’t know how we’re going to navigate this—and that feels fucking terrifying.
This isn’t an “Oh, I don’t like sleeping with the TV on” or some other small bullshit that you work through in the beginning of a relationship. This is both of our lives being completely altered.
Mia’s body being completely hijacked on top of that. I can’t say I know what it’s like to be pregnant, but I’ve seen what Lucie’s been going through. How do I tell her I’m okay if she makes a decision she feels is right for her, but that I want to keep seeing her, no matter what?
I haven’t the slightest clue what she’s thinking…there’s not a single part of this I can control or make better, and it’s killing me. How the hell am I going to handle this? What if I fuck it up and lose her?
I haven’t felt this helpless in so long, and I hate it.
Finally, the nurse comes back and gets Mia’s IV out, and she signs all the paperwork.
I keep quiet, only responding when spoken to, and simply listening to the nurse as she tells Mia to take it slow and gives her some peanut butter crackers to eat.
After a cracker, Mia asks the nurse a few questions.
How soon should she see her OB? Did her test show anything else she should be concerned about? How far along is she?
I mostly listen, just in awe of her. My brain capacity feels maxed out. But Mia…the moment she finally lifted her head off my shoulder and ate that cracker, I could see that resilience sparking again.
The entire ride back to her place is as equally silent as it was at the hospital. We both knew there was no way this conversation was about to be unpacked in the car, and I damn sure didn’t want to have to split my attention between her and the road while we talked.
By the time we walk in her apartment, it’s like this wall hits us. The fever dream becomes reality, and we both know it’s time we talk.
But when I look at Mia, she doesn’t get a word out before her tears fall. I reach for her at the same time she reaches out for me. Holding her tight to my chest, I place a small kiss on the top of her head.
“It’s okay, baby. It’s going to be okay.”
“No, it’s not,” she cries. “It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I had a plan and—and th-this…”
Her tears are falling in full force now. “I know, Mia. I’m so sorry.”
Mia pulls back, wiping her cheeks. “I don’t get how this happened. We used protection.”
Letting out a sigh, I’m honestly not sure how it happened either.
It doesn’t matter too much now, but I understand wanting to know.
“There was probably a hole we didn’t see.
The likelihood is really low, but they aren’t a hundred percent foolproof.
There could have been a number of reasons—defective make, expiration we didn’t pay attention to. ”
More tears fall from Mia’s bright blue eyes, and she tosses her hands up. “Dammit, I can’t stop them now. Shit, is this hormones? Adam, this wasn’t a part of the plan!”
I know it’s neither of our faults, but damn if I wish I could make this better.
Reaching for her again, I tug her back in by her hips, then move my hands to her face to wipe her cheeks.
“It wasn’t. I don’t know what to say. I wish I had something to make you feel better, but I’m at a loss on this one. ”
Mia’s eyes fall shut and two more tears slide down her face.
“I really want to be with you, Mia. I don’t know how we’re supposed to do this, but I have to put that out there. Whatever you decide to do for yourself…nothing will change that.”
Mia nods but doesn’t open her eyes. “I can’t think about that yet.”
“It’s okay. I promise, you’re okay.” I say it because it’s the only thing I feel like I can really give her right now. I don’t know what to do. Everything that runs through my mind feels like the wrong thing to say or unnecessary pressure while she’s clearly upset.
I hate that we’re having to figure this out and so much of it is put on her. I hate that it feels like I’ve already set this kid up for failure. I may not be the piece of trash my father was, but I sure as shit feel like an asshole right now.
What do I fucking do here? How do I fix this?
Mia pulls back from me again. “It would be really great if I could stop crying, but something tells me that’s not happening tonight.”
“You can cry all you want.” I wipe softly at her cheeks, then a whole new concern runs through my head. Am I making her uncomfortable? Is me being here making it worse? “Do you want some space for the night?”
Fuck, does that sound like I’m bailing already? I want her no matter what. She has to know that. I need her to know that.
Mia swallows hard, her eyes finally meeting mine. “Um, I don’t…know…maybe. Uh, I feel like for the first time ever, I really don’t have an answer.”
Me fucking either. I can’t say I fully know what I want out of this situation yet. I love the idea of having Mia in my life forever. She’d be the most amazing mother, and all of that has me hoping that she wants to keep this baby…
But for the first time in what feels like forever, my father’s face comes to the very front of my brain. All the pain, the manipulation, and fear I felt as a kid completely consume me to a point that I actually feel light-headed.
Shit, this is not what Mia needs from me right now.
I hate the idea of leaving, but me hovering over her probably isn’t helping, and I don’t want my presence to feel like pressure to talk or make a plan this very second.
I can’t and won’t make the decision, but I’d do anything for her. If space would make her feel better, then I’d endure it. No matter how much I’m going to hate walking out the door.
“Why don’t I come back in the morning?” I offer, partially hoping she’ll ask me to stay.
She wipes at her cheeks again. She doesn’t say anything for a moment, but then she crosses her arms. “Okay.”
Fuck, this need to fix everything is gnawing at me. I want to take back what control we’ve lost and make it all better, but I can’t do that. Not this time.
Wrapping her up in my arms one more time, she doesn’t hug me back, but I’m not about to read too deep into that. I don’t want to lose her.
Kissing the top of her head, I pitch my voice low with one last attempt to comfort her. “I’m sorry this is happening, Mia.”
She sniffles. “Yeah, me too.”
She doesn’t move when I walk to the door, and not another word is said. I feel like the world’s biggest asshole the whole elevator ride down, and when I get to the lobby I can’t bring myself to walk out the door.
Would security kick me out if I just stayed here all night? I can give her space, but I think this distance might be my limit.
Falling on the couch in the lobby, I pull my phone out of my pocket and call the only person I know to call.
“Hell—” Jett answers right away.
“Mia’s pregnant,” I blurt out the moment he answers.
“Oh, hell, okay—Wyla.”
I give Jett a couple seconds to let what I said register and to put me on speaker, if I’m not already.
“Mia’s pregnant, we just found out. And now I’m sitting in the lobby of her apartment complex, and I don’t know what to do.”
“For all that’s—” Wyla sighs. “Listen, one day we’re going to have a very important discussion about contraceptives, but for now, take a deep breath and tell me why you’re sitting downstairs.”
I try, but my breath is shaky as shit. “I don’t know. I thought Mia would want space to process, but I can’t bring myself to walk out the door. I sort of just fell onto one of the seats in the lobby.”
“Okay…did she say she wanted space?” Jett asks cautiously. “Did you get in a fight after getting the news or something?”
“No, it isn’t like that. We found out, and I’m pretty sure we’re both in shock. I don’t know how to help her, and I don’t want her to think I’m pressuring her one way or the other moving forward. So I just told her I still want to be with her, but I’d give her some room to breathe.”
“Oh, sweetie,” Wyla says in her Southern bless-your-heart accent. “Did Mia say she wanted the space or just not argue?”
Fuck. “I don’t—maybe not argue? Now I feel like I can’t remember. Wyla, help me.”
She hums softly. “Here’s what you’re going to do.
Stand up and go back up to her apartment.
Not one part of me thinks you offered to leave with bad intent, Adam, but Mia didn’t ask for space.
You don’t have to be this leader or devil’s advocate for what she should do.
Just be there. Be the person she can fall apart with.
I may not have needed someone to put me back together, but I can’t say it wouldn’t have been nice to have someone to fall apart with. ”
“Hey,” Jett interjects. “I wanted to be in Adam’s shoes right now.”
“I know you did, but it’s not about you, babe.” Wyla laughs softly. “Adam, this is scary as hell. Believe us, we get it, but whatever happens, you have to be there for Mia, and we’ll be there for you with whatever you need.”
Feeling the slightest bit of strength come back, I find the will to get up and move to the elevator. “Thanks, guys, I really appreciate you.”
“We know,” Jett says. “Call us in the morning.”
“And don’t worry, we won’t tell Callie.”
I let out a breath. “Thanks. Did she have a good time tonight?”
“She did,” Wyla says as the elevator opens in front of me. Stepping in, I know I’ll probably lose connection, but she gets out, “You’re a good brother, Adam. You’ll be a good dad too, if that’s what’s meant to be.” Then the call drops.
I fucking hope so.