27. Light in the Aftermath
27
Light in the Aftermath
A s a kid, when Spencer was having a bad day, the person he could talk to without judgment or jokes was Melanie. In the ensuing years, that would no longer be an option with Melanie’s addiction slowly taking away the sister Spencer knew and loved. Times like now were when Spencer wished he could talk to her. The version of her from when they were kids, to listen to his troubles without passing judgment.
There was always Lawrence, but Spencer wasn’t in the mood for his friend’s loving, but passive aggressive “I told you so”. Yara may have been training to be a therapist, but Spencer didn’t want to unload any more of his problems on to her. As for Nessa, he would sooner bury himself alive than discuss any details of the situation with her.
That left one person.
Since their fight, Spencer kept conversations with his mom brief and vague. Fearing he would upset her more than he already had, Spencer didn’t discuss the agency’s shortcomings or Nicole. But as he sat across from her at her dining room table on a Thursday afternoon, Spencer came clean. About everything.
“Oh boy,” Rayna sighed, leaning back into her chair after Spencer finished confiding in her. “How did you have the energy to live all this out? Because I’m exhausted just from hearing it.”
“All of this has taken its toll on me. I’m not proud of the choices I’ve made. But, Mom, I really screwed things up this time. I don’t know how to fix it or where to go from here.”
“What makes you think I have the answers? I’ve never driven a company out of business, or let myself be used as someone’s puppet, or driven away the person I loved.”
“Woah, I never said I loved Nicole.”
“You didn’t have to. By coming to me and telling me about her, I know you do. You’ve never come to me about anyone you’ve dated. Let alone to ask for my advice to remedy the situation.”
“Maybe I would’ve if you were around more.”
There it was. The root of their issues. The boulder in the way of mother and son ever moving their relationship forward.
Rayna touched Spencer’s hand with two fingers, not yet in the place for a larger gesture of comfort. “You know I love you, Spencer. And your sister. That’s why I worked so hard. To make sure you two would have the opportunities that were never afforded to me. I made mistakes. Both your father and I missed signs of you two kids struggling. I regret that every day.”
“Because you feel like if you caught Melanie’s reliance on alcohol early, you could’ve prevented her addiction?”
“Yeah.” Rayna nodded, her eyes turning sad and reflective. “No matter what the counselors tell us, I’ll always think I could’ve done more by being more aware. I know you think that too.”
“Mom, I don’t.”
“You do. That’s why a part of you will always resent me and your father. If we would have been around more, we could have seen the warning signs in Melanie and got her help before that disease took her from you. It’s okay that you feel that way. I resent myself for it too.”
Seeing his mom carry as much guilt as she did over Melanie made Spencer want to argue back against her claims. He couldn’t, though. She would’ve seen through the lie. “There’s plenty of blame to go around. I was there. Every day, I saw her. I noticed the change in her, but I didn’t tie it to her drinking. She took care of me so often I didn’t want to have to turn around and snitch on her when she was letting off steam. I didn’t want to betray her trust, but ended up betraying her anyway.”
“You can’t keep carrying this around on your shoulders, honey. You’re not responsible for Melanie. None of this is your fault. It was our job as her parents to do right by her. Your job as her baby brother was to be her little brother. That was all you had to do, and you did. You were a great brother to her, Spencer. You still are.”
“Really? I’m not a terrible brother for keeping Nessa away from her?” Touching on the topic that spearheaded their fight was a risky move, but if they were going to clear the air, Spencer needed to bring it up.
Rayna pulled her fingers back, but remained close across the table from him. “I’ll admit, when you first told me you weren’t giving Melanie a chance to speak to you or to Nessa, I was upset. I didn’t understand how you could deny her something that could be so healing for her. It took me a little while to see it from your side. It is a big risk.”
“A risk I don’t want to take.” Spencer got up and opened the refrigerator, needing the cool air to help calm him. “When Melanie is sober, she’s great. I have a lot of wonderful memories of us together. She was the only one I could turn to growing up. That’s why her leaving Nessa hurt so much. I want to be the safe space for Nessa the same way Melanie was to me.”
“And you are, Spence. Nessa is so lucky to have you. You’re doing an amazing job.”
He closed the fridge, his back against it. “It’s hard. Nothing I ever do for Nessa will make up for the loss of her mom. That’s the one hole I can’t fill, but I have the power to by connecting them again. I want to do that for her. I really do, but what if something happens? What if she falls off the wagon again and gets herself hurt? What if she hurts Nessa in someway? If something happens, it’ll be my fault.”
“Spencer, you’re blaming yourself for something that hasn’t happened yet.”
“I can’t help it. It’s where my mind goes. Mom, I’ve been making a lot of mistakes lately. I don’t want to make another.”
Rayna got up and joined him. “Have you told Nessa that her mom wants to see her?”
“No. Why would I get her hopes up if I’m not interested in having them meet?”
“Sweetheart, you just got dumped because you hid the truth from your girlfriend. And here you are doing it to Nessa. That girl is your world. It’s obvious how much she adores you. How is she going to feel when she learns you kept this from her? If the roles were reversed and Nessa was the one who had to tell you something big, would you be upset if she didn’t tell you?”
It never crossed Spencer’s mind that might be something Nessa would feel lied to about. He’d been too focused on his own feelings of betrayal. “You’re right. She has a right to know. This is her life. She should have a say in this.”
“And you already know what Nessa would want to do. She misses her mom. She’s going to want to see her.”
He couldn’t dispute that, not after her sketches had gone from flowers to portraits. She was working her way up to sketch one of her mom. Spencer was Nessa’s guardian, but controlling her life for her wasn’t what a good guardian did. He could regulate and advise, but taking the decision away from her would forge a future of resentment between them. That was the last thing Spencer wanted.
“Have you gone and visited Melanie at her facility?”
“I have. Two weeks ago. She looked good and was in positive spirits. Your name came up a few times. She wondered if you would ever respond to her calls.”
With a deep breath, Spencer did something he should’ve done a long time ago. Put Nessa first. “I’ll do Melanie one better. I’ll go and see her.”
Rayna wrapped her arms around his shoulders and kissed his cheek. “I think that’s the right decision. See her for yourself. Talk to her. Raise your concerns. Just get somewhere with her, and remember, she’s still your sister. She loves you. You love her. That should never change.”
“I hope it never does.” Truly. His relationship with Melanie had become a roller-coaster with highs and lows, but never did Spencer stop loving and caring about her. He wondered if it was the same way for her.
“Well, we solved one of your problems,” Rayna smiled, rubbing his shoulder.
“If only the other solutions were as easy to get to.” Spencer rubbed his eyes, not having gotten much sleep since Nicole walked out on him. “Mom, I’m sorry about the agency. I really thought I could have done a better job with it than I did.”
“I should be the one apologizing for that. You wanted to sell it from the start. I pushed you to honor your dad’s wish of running it when we both knew that was his dream for you. Not your own.”
“That’s the thing, though. I don’t have a dream for myself. I’m not artistic like Nessa or analytical like you. My major was in communication. The degree for people who have no idea what they want to do with their lives. I’ve graduated and am still no closer to knowing.”
“You have time to figure that out.”
“My business is crumbling and I’ll be forced to move back here with Nessa if I don’t find something else soon. I’m 30. All I have to show for it is failing my dad’s last wish for me and chasing away the closest person I’ve ever come to loving. You and dad had your lives mostly figured out by this point? Why can’t I do that?”
“Your 30 is not at all like my 30, and that’s okay. 60 years ago, there were expectations placed on me by society, and I had to follow the path set out for me. Women didn’t have many choices. They were expected to get married and start a family. Fortunately, times were changing when I turned 18. It was 1982 and women had more options more than ever. I chose a career in urban planning. I chose your father, chose to have a family with him, but not to have my family disrupt my career. Which we all know what became of that.”
Her eyes again took on a reflective shine. “So no, your 30 is not like my 30. You don’t have to have it all figured out right now. I don’t regret my career, or marrying your dad, or having you or your sister. But if I had the time to focus on my career and then later on time for my family, I think it would have done us a world of good.”
“Mom, I don’t have the time to focus on one. Nessa is depending on me to provide for her.”
“Okay. Then let’s figure it out together. What do you like to do?”
Spencer laughed. Such a simple question, no easy answer. “That won’t help.”
“Humor me. What do you like?”
He shook his head, but answered. “I like… helping people. That was the easy part of being a PI. When I got clients, I liked solving their problems. It was when they asked me to do something unethical that I lost the joy of it.”
“Okay, so you like to help people. What are your interests?”
“Nessa,” he replied, without thinking. “She’s my number one interest.”
“Apart from her.”
Spencer racked his brain. Then a laugh broke his silence. “I’m a freak—”
“Sex work is completely valid if—”
“No! Mom!” Spencer quickly interrupted her. “I was going to say I’m a freak because I enjoyed school. Things came easy for me there. I tested well. I enjoyed writing papers. I went to grad school just so I could stay in school.”
Rayna smiled at her son. He returned her gaze, wishing he could read her mind. “What? What is it?”
“My baby boy is going to be a teacher.”
“No—”
“Think about it. You loved the academics, but you enjoyed the social aspect of it too. You beamed when you went off to college because you got to surround yourself with other like-minded students. It would be like that again. Plus, you’re great with kids. Imagine a classroom of Nessas wanting for you to impart your knowledge onto them. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t love that.”
He couldn’t. Her pitch excited him over the idea. “A teacher. Huh.”
“Yes, a teacher. It’s a stable job and one where you’ll be helping the next generation. That sounds perfect for you.”
“But I would have to go back to school and that costs money we don’t have, nor can we spare. Then teachers don’t get paid the money they should.”
“Teacher assistant.”
“What?”
“Become a teacher’s assistant. That way you can get your feet wet in the field immediately and decide if you really want to do it. If you do, you can go back to school when you have the money. As far as the pay, you can’t win them all.”
“I’ll consider it.” Spencer would do a lot more than consider, but he didn’t want to get his mom’s hopes up if it didn’t pan out. Regardless, he was happy to be getting somewhere. If only that could be applied to his romantic life. “I should’ve come sooner to you with my problems. I might still have Nicole if I did.”
Rayna offered him a sad smile. “Like I said, hon, you can’t win them all. There’s no undo button you can press to fix things with Nicole. You hurt her. The best you can do for her is give her the space she needs. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.”
“I don’t like leaving things to chance.”
“I know, but you’re the one who screwed things up. What you want doesn’t matter. It’s your turn to listen to what she wants and respect it.”
“Even if what she wants isn’t me?”
Rayna squeezed his hand. “Especially then. You owe her that much.”
That’s where his mom was wrong. Spencer owed Nicole a hell of a lot more.