29. At the End Lies the Truth
29
At the End Lies the Truth
S pencer had been to a lot of places, but a rehabilitation facility in Michigan was a new one. He, Neal, and Rayna visited numerous in the Pennsylvania area since Melanie was 18, when it was clear her drinking went beyond a rebellious streak. Visiting one outside the state was new, but if it was getting Melanie the help she needed, Spencer welcomed it.
Rayna told him Melanie was doing well. She was working hard on her sobriety, and was excited to see him. He believed the former, but had a hard time believing the latter on his drive up. Spencer ignored her calls, gave her the silent treatment. Classic petulant behavior.
And if she felt like he was keeping her child away from her, Spencer couldn’t picture how this meeting could go well. She was his sister. Someone he should’ve trusted more, but he put more faith into his fears than he did in her. Now as he sat on the lobby’s couch, Spencer worried how that might cost him.
A shadow on the stairs made him look up. The golden shine her skin held was gone, dull as Spencer had ever seen it. The hair she always kept managed was simple in its frizzy braids. Her soulful brown eyes were wistful as she took in the sight of him. Something in it told Spencer what deep down he always knew. Underneath Melanie’s appearance and struggles, his sister was still there.
He got up in time to return Melanie’s hug, holding her close to his chest. “I missed you, Mel.”
“I missed you too, Spence.” Melanie pulled back, inspecting him. “You look good. How’s Nessa? Is she with you?”
“No. I’m sorry. I wanted to meet with you alone before I considered doing that.”
Her disappointment wasn’t hidden well, but she nodded like she understood. “I’m glad you came. I began to wonder if you ever would.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Here I thought I would be the one apologizing until my tongue was numb. At the rate you’re going, you’ll beat me to it.”
The light tone to her voice surprised Spencer. He would’ve expected her to be angrier with him.
Melanie took his arm and walked them toward a side door. “Let’s talk.”
“I’d like that.”
Not wanting Melanie to feel uncomfortable under his gaze, Spencer searched for something else to look at. It took him no time to find it. He noticed the facility’s emerald grass field and how full it looked after the morning’s bout of rain. Tall stone walls enclosed the expansive grounds around them on the deck. No other houses or buildings in sight. Just nature and its sounds, a bird chirping a song after the rainfall.
“The facility is nice. Getting this quietness and this view every day must be nice.” Spencer hoped small talk would make her more comfortable.
“Yeah. It’s something right out of Nessa’s sketchpad.”
“She’s into sketching portraits at the moment.”
“Really?” she asked, amazed at the ways Nessa had grown in her absence.
“Yeah. She’s very talented. She does a lot of drawings on my arms.” He rolled up his sleeve to show off a faded flower she drew on him before he left. “I don’t know what flower this is.”
“I do.” Melanie held his arm, her eyes entranced by it. “It’s a freesia. They’re thought to represent friendship, trust, and thoughtfulness. Did she know you were coming here to see me?”
“Yes. I told her. I didn’t want to hide it from her.” A small smile took over his face. “She sent me here with a message for you. Smart kid.”
“You have a lot to do with that, more than you know.” Melanie looked at him, her eyes pleading. “How is she? Is she happy? Healthy?”
“As happy and healthy as can be. She’s a little smaller than her age group, but the doctors assure me that’ll change.”
“Good. That’s good. How is she in school?”
“Great. She’s doing well academically and loves to read.”
Melanie snorted. “She must get that from you.”
They found a white bench by a windowsill to sit on. Their knees were close, but not touching. The little distance between them did little to stop Spencer from feeling her shaking.
“Nessa is really doing well.”
“Is she… is she talking about me?”
“Sometimes.” He didn’t want to lie. “Less than she used to. I think she got used to receiving the same answer, so she stopped asking.”
She nodded. “That makes sense. Thank you for being honest.”
“It’s the least I can do.” Spencer placed a hand over hers. “How are you? Mom told me you were doing well.”
“Yeah. It was a hard start. They always are, but I like the people here. Everyone is very supportive.”
“That’s good. Are you working through the steps? You’ve done those before.”
“I have, but these are a little different. Instead of working on why I started drinking, the focus is on staying sober. And what I have to lose if I don’t.”
“Lose?”
“Yeah. The counselors are encouraging me to look at the positive aspects of my life. The things I want to fight to stay in. I’m learning to see my sobriety as something I get to keep. Not a burden or a duty.”
“That sounds healthy.”
“It is.” Melanie smiled. “I know it’s a hard concept to grasp, but it’s working for me.”
“I’m glad.” He squeezed her hand. She squeezed back. “Can I ask about the moment you decided you needed to come here? Every time before, we had to force you to check yourself in. What was different this time?”
She took a deep breath. “When I left Philly, I thought I was finally getting the freedom I always wanted. No younger brother I needed to play mom for. No parents to be the perfect daughter for. And no child I needed to be a role model for. Please don’t judge me for saying that.”
“I won’t. I’m here to listen. Something I should’ve done a long time ago.”
The sigh that Melanie released let go of the tension in her. “I won’t lie. Being on the road was fun. I did what I wanted, went where I wanted, and saw what I wanted. I partied and drank with people who didn’t judge or shame me for it. I could be myself, or who I thought I was, without anyone trying to hold me down.”
Spencer stayed quiet, wanting her to say her piece without him interfering. “It was nice.” Melanie looked ahead of her, not meeting his eyes. “Then, after a while, I couldn’t ignore the truth anymore. The parties and the people got old. I wasn’t having fun anymore. The freedom I thought I had was just another prison.”
“My days were spent trying to fill a hole inside me. Nothing worked. No matter what I did, the emptiness never went away. When it was your 30th birthday months back, I went out and got wasted. I mean it. I really outdid myself.”
“Why?”
“Because I couldn’t be there for you. No matter what our relationship was like, we never missed each other’s birthdays. I didn’t want to miss yours, but I lost the right to call or see you after what I did. I was feeling sorry for myself and tried to numb it. That’s all I remember from that night. I blacked out. I woke up the next day alone in some motel room of a random girl I met. It scared the hell out of me.”
Spencer felt the same fear and anger he always did when he heard about her drinking. But it wasn’t directed at her, but at himself. “I should’ve done more.”
“Hey, none of that,” Melanie warned him. “This isn’t your fault. If you’re going to blame someone, blame me.”
“No.” Spencer shook his head. “I’ll stop. It’s just, I’ve always felt like I could’ve done more. Stopped you before things got this bad.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong. You were a kid. We both were. We didn’t know this kind of pain existed.”
“That’s not true. You did, didn’t you? That’s why you went searching for relief in a bottle.”
“I was in pain. I just didn’t have the word for it back then. Mom and dad expected so much from me when we were growing up. Be a good sister, be a good student, a good daughter, a good role model. A good everything. They didn’t mean for it to be, but it was so much pressure and I cracked under the weight of it. Drinking became a way to help me handle that pressure. When it was gone, so was the stress. But, the thing was, the stress was always there. Drinking only suppressed it, never solved it.”
“When I was in that motel room, I had that moment addicts are always talking about. That moment where I knew things had to change because dad’s gone. Mom’s getting older. And I ruined things with you. I couldn’t rely on you guys to save me anymore. Not when I’d pushed you away. You didn’t know where I was. It’s not like you could have looked for me. You didn’t even know I needed to be searched for. I was alone and had no one to blame but myself. That scared me more than anything.”
Spencer’s heart broke. She looked so ashamed and broken. All he wanted to do was make it better.
“I checked myself into the hospital, the closest one I could find. Got myself sober, then found this place. It’s taken a while, but I’m working through my feelings. I’m facing the pressure I always felt, but suppressed. I have to. In here, it’s not a choice.” She motioned toward the building they were standing on the outside of. “I’m getting better. Slowly, but surely. I understand your skepticism. We’ve been down this road before. What’s different is I know what losing everything looks like. I never want to come close to living that reality again.”
Spencer took her into his arms, kissing her head. “I’m proud of you, Mel. I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner.”
“It’s okay. We’ve both made our fair share of mistakes.”
“I’ve been so selfish. I told myself I was afraid of letting you in because of how it might hurt Nessa if you left or fell off the wagon again. While that’s true, I also kept you away because I didn’t want to open myself up to being hurt by you again.”
“That’s not selfish. That’s self-preservation.”
“Not at the expense of your relationship with Nessa.”
Melanie shook her head. “No. Not at all. I’m the one who abandoned my daughter. The sister you knew would never do something like that. I became a stranger to you and myself. The only thing I can do is try to be the best version of me, not only for her, but for me too.”
“You will. I have no doubt about that. Nessa wants to see you. I won’t deny you two that. Not anymore. If you’re serious about your sobriety, then you have my full support. I’ll contact my lawyers and we can discuss getting your parental rights to her back.”
“Woah, pump the breaks, Spence. Did you think when I asked to see Nessa that I meant I wanted custody of her back?”
“You don’t?”
“Spence, I’m not ready for that. I might never be. I love that little girl and I want to be involved in her life as much as you will allow me to be, but I can’t be her mother.”
“I don’t understand. Why not?”
“Because I can’t be the mother Nessa needs or deserves. I’ve got a lot of growing up to do. My therapist said I’ve never been my age. As a kid, I acted older than I was because I had to take care of you. Then I regressed in my 20s back into the teenager I never got to be. Now I’m 34 and it’s time for me to live my life as the age I am.”
She looked at him, seeing Spencer still wasn’t quite getting it. “I’m learning to live with the pressure of being a human. It’s scary and I’m being as brave as I can, but it’s a lot on my plate. I can’t handle the pressure of being a mom too. I know that sounds selfish, but I’m being honest with you about how much I can take. If I don’t get to be a little selfish with my needs right now, I’ll hit my limit and break again.”
Spencer only had one word for her. “Okay.”
Melanie was visibly surprised. “Okay? Really? You’re not upset or disappointed?”
“No. It was my assumption. You know what’s best for you better than anyone else. I would never force you to take on more than you can chew. You need to focus on your recovery. I’ll focus on Nessa. And since we’re being honest, I’m really happy you need me to. I love your little girl, Melanie. I think of her as my own, and I don’t know if that’s fair to you or Ronnie, but that’s the truth. You can rest easy knowing she’s with me. She will always be taken care of.”
“Fuck Ronnie,” she said, laughing, making Spencer cry for a different reason. She wiped away her little brother’s tears like she used to when they were kids. “I couldn’t pick anyone to be a better dad to Nessa than you. You’ve grown into the man that I always thought you could be. I know you never heard it from mom or dad, but I’m so proud of you. You have never been a disappointment to me because I always knew this person was inside of you. I’m glad you’re sharing it with the world now because you’re pretty amazing. And I’m so grateful for you, Spencer.”
“I’m the grateful one. Grateful towards you for giving up your childhood so I could have one. Grateful to love and be loved by Nessa. She is the greatest thing to have ever come into my life.”
“And into mine.” Melanie sniffled, trying not to cry. “Thank you for looking out for her when I can’t.”
“Don’t thank me. Just get better. So you can be a part of her life. She’d love that.”
“She would?” Melanie’s voice cracked asking.
“Yeah. You know how you said there was nothing but an empty hole in your heart? I think it’s because you gave everything in it to her. She has so much love in her heart for everyone, but especially you. She loves you, Mel.”
“I love her so much. You both mean the world to me. When I’m in here, thinking of you and her is what keeps me going.”
Spencer held Melanie tighter, not sure how he could let her go again. “Her birthday is next Friday.”
“I know. I have it marked on the calendar.”
“If you’re feeling up for it and your team here approves, I want you to come. Be the greatest birthday surprise she could ever ask for.”
“I’d like that.” Melanie looked up at him, smiling. “I love you, Spence. ”
“I love you, too, Mel.”
It was Saturday afternoon when Spencer returned home. He spent his evening with Melanie away from the facility for dinner until he needed to bring her back. It was too late by then for the 10 hour drive, so he stayed the night in a hotel.
Nessa was with Rayna, and he didn’t feel like being alone in their small apartment. The office was as quiet as it had ever been. No Yara typing her homework on her laptop, hoping for a distraction in a phone call. No Nessa running on its hardwood floors. Just the tickling of a distant clock and the creek of the floorboards under Spencer’s footsteps.
As soon as they could find a seller, The Shaw Agency would be no more. Gone like the men who built it. It was a sobering thought, one Spencer needed. The agency was the last link to his dad and now he was ready to cut it. He was ready to start a new chapter.
With the lights turned off, Spencer settled at the head of the desk, watching the sunlight dance around his walls. The peace and quiet of the office, interrupted by the chime of the bells ringing.
“We’re closed. Permanently,” Spencer said right before looking up and seeing her. The woman he was so desperate to see. “Nicole?”
Nicole was as beautiful as ever in a slim-fit white and navy pinstripe dress. No red-rimmed eyes to show the toll the ending of their relationship might have had on her. Not that Spencer had expected them. She would never let him see her in a vulnerable state again. He lost that right.
He didn’t know how long she had been standing there, but judging from the look on her face, long enough to hear him. “You’re closing?” She had the decency not to look happy about it.
“There was no way to keep it going.” Spencer got up from his seat, walking slowly around the desk towards her. “What are you doing here? ”
“I have a plan to get William to stop coming after me and Maya. Your help… could be useful.”
“I’ll do anything. Name it.”
“Call William and set up a meeting here tomorrow. Don’t tell him I’ll be there. He doesn’t need to know.”
Spencer wanted more details than that, but wouldn’t push it. “That’s it?”
“No. I need you to back up whatever I say to him. Follow my lead and don’t act like it’s your first time hearing it. Can you do that or not?”
“Of course.”
She blew air through her nose, smirking, but there was no genuine joy behind it. “That’s right. I forgot. You’re a trained liar. I’m sure you’ll do great.”
“Nicole.” He wanted her to be cruel. He wanted her to tell him what a scumbag he was. He didn’t deserve any less.
“I’ll be here at 10 o’clock sharp tomorrow night. Make sure everything goes according to plan and it’ll be the last thing you’ll ever have to do for me.”
“Nicole, wait.”
She didn’t. She walked right out the door. Spencer didn’t stop her. He wanted to chase after her, but his mom’s words echoed in his ears. It wasn’t about what he wanted. Nicole was the one who got to decide their fate, and Spencer would have to live with that decision.