Chapter 37
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Daniil
I knew the moment she ripped her hands away from me that I had told her too much, and when she vomited through her fingers, she looked pale enough to faint.
I shouldn’t have told her. I should have kept the details from her, but I had promised her that I would never lie to her.
Around and around her back, my hand went.
When she finally stopped being sick, I silently moved the bin outside and went to crouch next to her.
Again, I took her hands in mine. They were clammy.
“I do not regret hurting them,” I said honestly because I didn’t. I had revelled in every second of their agony. Their screams of pain had been music to my ears. Their faces as they watched each other burn would forever make me smile.
They deserved more. If I had the chance, I would bring them back from the dead and do it all again, but slower, much, much slower. If that made me a psychopath, so be it.
“I regret that telling you hurt you,” I whispered.
Finally, she lifted her head to me. “I never wanted you to have to do that for me. I’m not crying for them.”
I reached for her, running my fingers up over her tear-stained cheek and into her silky hair. The urge to kiss her was overwhelming. It didn’t even matter that she smelt faintly of vomit.
“I told you, Lily, that I would burn the world to keep you safe.”
She looked at me blankly.
“Well, maybe I said it to myself, but I meant it. I meant every single word. You are my entire world, you, Timothy, and the baby you are carrying.” My hand drifted to her stomach, she nodded her head, and I pressed my hand to it. It was the smallest of bumps, barely perceivable, but there.
The life we had made was growing in her belly. It was the second-best gift she could ever give me. The first was her love. I wasn’t sure I had that yet.
“I know,” she said softly. “I know you would do anything to protect—” she paused—“the children.”
With a grunt, I gathered her into my arms, holding her as tightly as I dared. “This isn’t about the children. It’s about you and me. I would do anything to keep you happy and safe.”
“Anything?” She whispered against my shoulders.
I chuckled. “Anything but let you go. I’m sorry, but I can’t do that.”
I felt her smile. “How about coming to bed with me tonight?” she asked in a small voice. “The chair you’ve been sleeping on can’t be very comfortable.”
It wasn’t, but I would never complain. Sleeping next to the bed meant I could watch over them as they slept. “Timothy—”
“Is asleep in his own bed.”
I held her out at arm’s length. “Really?”
Smiling, she nodded. “Yeah, he wanted to, but he was worried I would be afraid alone. And maybe I will be, but not with you next to me.”
God, I wanted to kiss her. Instead, I swung her up into my arms, honeymoon style, and carried her upstairs.
“You don’t have to carry me,” she giggled. And it was like music to my ears. It had been so long since I had heard that musical sound. Did that laugh mean she was happy and that things were good between us? Or was she just getting better at faking things?
“It’s good practice for when I carry you—” I hesitated on the top step. Glancing down at her face. She was smiling up at me. Her eyes were still shining with tears, but she didn’t look sad.
She looked happy.
She wasn’t faking it. Lily was finally starting to heal. My pace quickened as I strode down the hallway to her room, our room, I reminded myself quickly, although it had been a long time since I had shared her bed.
Tonight felt like a massive step in the right direction. And I would get to hold her. Nothing else, as much as I ached for her, I wasn’t about to push her after what she had been through. But just holding her right now would be enough.
“I don’t mind carrying you,” I finished.
I froze by the bed. The truth was, I wasn’t ready to let her down yet. Would it be possible to just fall into bed with her like this? Bending over her, I was about to kiss her when she pressed her finger to my lips. I let out an exasperated sigh. Too much too soon obviously.
Lily’s eyes narrowed. “I need to brush my teeth.”
“Oh.”
“Let me clean up and go and make sure Timothy is ok.” Her face split wide in a smile that looked like a promise. “I’ll be right here when you get back.”
She was in bed when I went back a few minutes later, just like she had promised, but instead of waiting for me. She was snoring softly. Shaking my head with a smile, I crawled under the blankets and pulled her into my arms. And instead of pulling away, she turned into me. Snuggling into my arms.
I had missed this part of being in a relationship the most after Claudia had died, the intimate closeness, the feeling of another person wanting to be close to me.
Lily made me feel wanted, just like Claudia had.
Not because of what I could give her, but because she just needed to be close to me to survive.
Loyalty and affection were so rare in my world, and after Claudia had died, I never thought I would find anyone else as wonderful, who made me feel so complete as she did, until I found Lily.
And I believed with my entire heart that Claudia would approve. She would never want me to be alone. She would love Lily’s fire and spirit. She would love how close she and Timothy had gotten. More than anything, she would think I had chosen perfectly.
I pulled Lily’s head to my shoulder and pressed my lips to her hair. She gave a little sigh in her sleep, and her minty fresh breath washed over me.
“You’d love her, Claudia,” I said in a hushed whisper. “I really think you’d love her. I mean, I hope you would because Timothy loves her.” I took a deep breath. I was more than aware that I was talking to myself, but in my head, I was talking to the ghost of my dead wife.
“I love her as well,” I said finally. “She’s everything to me.
That doesn’t stop me loving you, but—” I sucked in a ragged breath.
“I’ll always love you, but I know you would want me to move on and be happy, and I’m happy with Lily.
I want to ask her to marry me. So we can be a family, but I wanted to ask you first.”
Even as I whispered the words, I knew how crazy I sounded. Claudia was gone. She couldn’t answer me. I wasn’t superstitious. I didn’t believe in ghosts.
“What I am saying is, I know you would approve. She’s having my baby. Timothy is going to be a big brother. He’s such an amazing little boy. He’s been through some shit. I failed both of them, but I won’t again. I’ll protect them all. I won’t let them down like I did you.”
Deep down, I knew I hadn’t failed to protect my wife. It hadn’t been an attack. It had been a freak car accident. But that didn’t stop me from feeling guilty, just like I felt guilty for everything that happened to my son and Lily.
But I couldn’t allow myself to wallow in it. That would just make me sloppy. Anyway, I wouldn’t fail them again. I brushed my lips against her temple again, and this time when I spoke, it was directly to her.
“I love you, Lily. Maybe we didn’t start off in the best way, and maybe I fought against my feelings every step of the way until I almost lost you, but that doesn’t take away from the truth.
I love you.” Another kiss. “I am in love with you. I always will be. My life finally feels complete with you in it.”
She snuggled into my arms tighter.
“It feels like I can’t breathe unless you are close to me, Lily. I blink for a second, and I miss you. It’s like someone is ripping my heart out. I need you in my life forever, and I want us to be a family.”
I paused then, my fingers gliding through the silky strand of her hair. I’d been thinking about this for a while.
“I planned to ask you at Anya’s wedding. I kind of wish I’d let her spoil it now, because in the end, I didn’t get a chance to ask. But I want you to marry me, Lily. I want you to be my wife.”
A small chuckle left my lips. “Not just my wife, but my partner through this life and then next. I can’t live without you.
” Bending down over her face, I brushed my lips against hers with a sigh.
“I know you can’t hear me because you’re sleeping like a princess, but I wanted to ask you anyway.
Will you marry me, Lily? Will you make this old man unbelievably happy and be mine? ”
She didn’t answer, but I didn’t expect her to. Sighing, I settled back on the pillows and closed my eyes. Of course, she didn’t answer. She was fast asleep. I’d just had to get the words out. I had to tell her how I felt. One day soon, I would ask her again.
Or maybe I would just whisk her away to Vegas and give her no choice?
The thought made me smile. I already knew I wasn’t going to do that.
Lily deserved so much more than a shotgun wedding in a seedy chapel.
I wanted to give her the world, the wedding day, and the life she deserved, hopefully before the baby came.
I just had to get the courage to tell her when she was conscious first.
But until then, there was one thing I wanted to do. Rolling over, I pulled the blue velvet ring box from the nightstand and snapped it open. Pushing the antique diamond ring on to her finger I held it up. It fit her perfectly.
Smiling, I kissed her knuckles, placing her hand on my chest. I would take it off her soon and ask her properly, but until then, I just wanted to hold her when she wore it. Because then she really did belong to me.