Chapter 10
ten
. . .
Lucas
I watch as emotions flow across her face. She’s surprised, thoughtful, interested, and a host of others I’m not sure about. I’m afraid I’ve been too forward, and I should have given us another day to work together before the midnight deadline. I thought I would ask her about this then. Surely after two days of working with me, she would know whether or not she wanted to be with me, and I would have some time to charm her, although I don’t want her to like me just because she thinks she has to, or because I’ve done something fake to convince her that I’m something that I’m not.
I guess I see politicians that way. They lie and tell you whatever you want to hear so that you’ll vote for them, but in reality, they’re just putting on whatever mask they have to to get you to do what they want. When they get into office, their true colors come out. Unfortunately, by then it’s too late.
With politicians though, we can see the record, we can research, we can figure out what they’re going to do, based on what they’ve done, but are people and relationships the same way? I can’t look at her past relationships and guess what she’s going to do in one with me.
Especially since she feels different to me than every other woman I’ve ever been with. Not that there’s a whole slew of them. And truth be told, I want to be different to her too. Is that too much to ask?
“You don’t have to answer that. But I was wondering, why do you think we haven’t gotten along for the last five years?” I mean, maybe she doesn’t like me. Maybe there’s just something about me that she hates. Could I depend on her to tell me the truth?
“Well, first of all, I felt like you didn’t like me.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. I guess… After the first barbecue contest, I felt like you were out to get me.”
I sit and digest that for a moment. I can tell she’s being honest, and I don’t want to dismiss her out of hand, although I feel like it is not the slightest bit true.
“You know, that might be one of those things where you see what you’re looking for, you know?” she says before I can say anything. After all, I don’t really have any way to answer that other than to deny it, but to deny it is almost saying that her feelings aren’t legit.
And I definitely don’t want to do that.
“Really? You wanted to see a competitor in me?”
“Yeah. I mean, when you beat me, I guess I saw you as trying as hard as you could to win, and that made me feel like you wanted me to lose, which of course is true.”
“Not really,” I protest.
She tilts her head and gives me a look that says, be honest .
I lift my shoulders.
“If you want to win, people around you have to lose.”
She’s right.
“But I didn’t deliberately say, looking at you specifically, ‘I want Kate to lose.’”
“I know, but I think my brain took the idea that you wanted to win, so obviously the people around you have to lose, and ran with that, making it bigger and worse than it actually was. Isn’t that a human thing?”
“I think so. I think we have a tendency to focus on the negative and make it huge.”
“I think that’s what I did. Maybe I just assumed you didn’t like me.”
“And I guess I could tell that you assumed that, and I kind of picked up your cues, and…”
“Started to hate me too.” She fills in the blanks for me, but that’s not true. I shake my head. Can I admit this?
“I know that would probably be the reasonable thing to do. But… I never hated you. And if we’re being honest, I always…had a little bit of a crush on you.”
Her eyes open wide, and she seems to choke a bit on her cracker.
She grabs her drink, and drains it, and then pops off the barstool.
“Oh my goodness. Look at the time!” she says, even though we just sat down twenty minutes ago. “I really need to get back. There is so much to do tomorrow, and I definitely need to get a good night’s rest.”
I stand slowly, knowing that I scared her and wishing that I would have kept my mouth shut. I thought we were ready for a deeper conversation, but obviously I was wrong. I had known I should let two days at least go by before I even asked her if she wanted to do something with me, but I guess I just couldn’t wait. I’ve liked her for so long, and I really thought we were having a pretty good heart-to-heart conversation, not that I’m any good at those.
I’m terrible with this whole romance and love thing, and I feel dejected as she mumbles about what a great time she had, but how she really needs to go and she’s sorry for running off, and then she runs off.
I watch the door close behind her and see her hurry across the street in the glow of the Christmas decorations that are hanging on the Christmas Tree streetlights.
Some flakes of snow fall softly to the ground as she disappears inside of her shop. I see her turn around and lock her door, and she looks up for just a moment.
Our eyes meet. I’m standing right where she left me, with the street and the glass between us, and our eyes hold for a few moments which feel like hours as I wait for her to slowly unlock the door, come back across the street, and tell me she feels the same.
I know it’s an empty hope, and she turns around and disappears into the dark interior of her store.