2. Chapter 2
2
Rose
I was taking my fine ass time getting home, and I knew it. The second I saw Lindsey’s text about Kelly, I had dove into my work head first. I looked at every file that hadn't been looked at before. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about her sister. It was unfair of me to avoid the situation as I was, but it wasn’t exactly an easy place to be in. My wife and her sister.
When I’d married Lindsey, I didn’t expect anyone to be living with us. We’d spoken before about how, if anyone in either of our family needed help, we would get them set up somewhere else, but in our own home? No.
That had changed with Kelly. Though I couldn’t deny my agreement…biting me in the ass.
I ran my fingers through my dirty blonde hair and rubbed at my scalp as I sat in the parking lot of our apartment building, delaying the situation even further. It was getting late. Lindsey might be asleep, but I knew Kelly was most likely going to be awake. She always was up too late and never getting enough sleep.
I shook my head and pushed the car door open. The sound of my heels clicking against the pavement was the only sound next to the late summer wind ruffling the branches above my head. The fresh air helped calm my nerves.
My keys jangled as I climbed the stairs to the top floor and unlocked the door. The sound of the television hummed down the entrance of the apartment. I left my heels by the door and locked it behind me.
Much to my surprise, as I rounded the corner into the living room, I was greeted by the sight of Lindsey and Kelly, both still awake.
Lindsey pushed herself up from the couch, her face dark with exhaustion and worry. A blanket slid from her lap to the floor.
“Rose, I was starting to get worried,” Lindsey sighed as she stepped over.
I instinctively leaned down the few inches to press my lips to hers. The warmth of her body and scent of her skin were comforting, familiar. Still, my actions felt robotic. I felt another pair of eyes on me that caused my shoulders to tense.
“I’m sorry baby, long day. Lots of paperwork,” I explained, mostly. I left out the part of it being by choice.
“I can see that. You look exhausted,” Lindsey frowned, “…we can talk in the morning.”
I shook my head. I wanted to get it over with now. “Now is fine,” I insisted. My green eyes drifted over and met the hazel orbs that gazed at me from the couch. Kelly’s brow was knit. She glanced away from me and back at the television. I watched her face flush and ignored the warmth in my chest.
“Alright,” Lindsey agreed, “I’ll let you settle first.”
I nodded, agreeing with that. With a sigh, I headed for the bedroom. I could sense Lindsey behind me, but she didn’t follow me into the bedroom. Once I closed the door, I immediately started to unbutton my shirt. I undid the front clasp of my bra and sighed in relief. My pencil skirt was unzipped at the side next, and I slid it off my curvy hips before sitting down on the end of the bed. A weight felt lifted off me as I sat there. I tilted my head down and just closed my eyes for a moment.
After another few seconds, I continued getting undressed. Sliding my bra off entirely and pulling on a form fitting strappy night gown. Just as I was opening the door, I could hear the mumbled sound of Lindsey and Kelly talking, but opted to ignore it and head for the bathroom to wash my makeup off.
I wasn’t prepared to hear what Lindsey had to say. She wanted Kelly to stay. I knew this. I didn’t want to disappoint my wife. I hating fighting. I hated conflict. In our four years of a relationship, things had not been so tense as they had with Kelly there. I knew something needed to be done.
I got lost in washing my face. The next thing I knew, I was drying it and stepping out of the bathroom, barely remembering washing it.
When I stepped into the bedroom, the dim light on the bedside table was turned on and Lindsey was sitting on the end of the bed.
I closed the door behind me and slowly stepped over to her. My eyes drifted along her slender body, dressed in a small tank top and shorts. Her wavy light brown hair was pulled up into that same pony tail she was always meticulously putting it up into and smoothing out.
“It’s late, we really don’t need to talk…” Lindsey tried to insist. Her voice told me she’d bring it up even if I said we should sleep. I knew her.
“No, we need to,” I sighed and sat down on the bed beside her, “…you’ll never be able to sleep if we don’t.”
Neither would I, for that matter. She reached out to touch my leg, and there was a gentle sensation of warmth there, but…that was it. My heart didn’t squeeze in my chest as I had been waiting for it to, for…far too long. I didn’t feel the urge to hold her hand as tightly as I wished I did.
I took a slow breath and slid my hand on top of hers, anyway.
“Things have been really tense with Kelly there, especially the last few weeks,” Lindsey said, pausing.
I nodded. She seemed to be waiting for me to add something, but I wasn’t sure what to say.
“She’s been doing her best, helping around the house, finally got a job. I’m really confused…as to what’s going on, Rose,” she admitted to me, “…you two seemed to get along before.”
I licked my lips and looked to the side. “…I think she could do better,” I replied, “…but yes, she’s been a good…house guest.” I cleared my throat.
“We got along when I didn’t have to see her every morning, every night,” I explained.
“Is there something…specific bothering you with her?” Lindsey asked, “Something I can actually talk to her about?” I could hear the irritation in her voice.
My heart thudded painfully in my chest. “No,” I said, “I just don’t want her staying much longer. Our…agreement didn’t include this.” I brushed my thumb along the top of her hand slowly.
She frowned and looked into my eyes in the dimness of the room. “I don’t want to kick my sister out. Not just because…you’re tired of her.” There was a bitterness in her voice.
My jaw tightened, and any warmth from her kisses faded.
“We agreed no one would live with us when we got married, remember?” I asked her, “I offered to pay for your sister to live in a nearby apartment for a few months. You talked me into letting her stay here.”
Lindsey frowned. “…and it was fine. Everything was fine until…” she paused, stuck.
“…until it wasn’t,” I finished her sentence for her, “I didn’t want anyone living with us in the first place, I was fine with it for a bit, but now it’s…” I stood up from the bed, pulling my hand away from her, “…now I realize why I didn’t want anyone here. I want our space back.” My voice lowered a bit, harsher than normal.
“Our space. Since when have you ever really cared about that?” she asked.
Lindsey stood up, her hands at fists at her sides. She was not a crier, but in that moment, I could see the tears in her eyes. My heart twinged.
“Lindsey,” I sighed, “…I know she’s your sister, but…”
“Rose,” she whispered, “…I don’t want to lose her.”
I blinked. “You won’t,” I told her. “You’ll be able to visit her.”
I watched her swallow and step closer. “I feel like I need to take care of her. After our mother,” she choked out, “I didn’t take care of our mother, now she’s gone. I-“
My heart sunk into my feet. I felt criminal. Guilt crept up my spine, though I tried to maintain my resolve.
“That was not your fault, Lindsey,” I assured her as I stepped closer and wrapped my arms around her. My stomach hurt.
She sniffled and brushed her face against my shoulder.
“I just wish we could all get along. I don’t understand what’s going on lately,” Lindsey mumbled, “…it feels like you’re pushing away from me too.”
My body froze. I swallowed and bit back the urge to tell her she was wrong. That I wasn’t pushing her away. That everything was fine. It would be a lie.
“I am,” I admitted.
Lindsey pulled back. “Why?” she asked, “Did I do something?”
Her eyes were so kind but, there was also something irritated there. A look that she had given me a few times before. As though any negative feeling I held towards her was simply my problem. Regardless, I knew how I felt was my responsibility.
“No,” I replied quietly.
“Don’t lie to me,” she said, and tugged away from me, “…you’ve been distant to me too, not just Kelly. You’ve been staying at work longer, you don’t want to go out and do things.”
I looked at the floor and was quiet.
When I met Lindsey…I knew she was the one for me… On paper. She knew this too. On paper, it worked out perfectly. We were both career driven, family oriented, open about our sexuality and came from good families. We got along; we enjoyed the same things; but there was something missing.
Passion.
We made the decision to get married in the most technical way possible. We both enjoyed each other's company and figured we would grow even closer, but…it was what was ‘best for us’ and ‘best for our future’ that had sealed the deal.
Over the last few months, things with Lindsey had started to feel especially superficial.
Every day was the same, every time Lindsey planned anything, it felt too calculated. Like she was planning the perfect day in a perfect marriage. I was running along and going about things because I had to.
“Just tell me,” Lindsey said harshly.
I took a breath. “This isn’t working anymore” I forced out, “…you know it. Don’t you?” I asked. Her brow furrowed.
“I love you, I care about you…we work so well in every way,” I waved a hand, “…but the way I enjoy your company, isn’t…the way I want to..”
“Why?” Lindsey asked. “Why can’t this just be enough?”
My eyes stung. “There’s no passion here, Lindsey,” I told her, “…it feels like you’re playing the part of my wife.”
“I don’t understand what brought this on,” she choked out. “Everything was fine. You were fine with all this before.”
I nodded, “I was…I am,” I told her, “It hurts neither of us to be together. I want to be with you. We work.”
Lindsey’s face looked shattered.
“We work?” she asked, “…that’s all you have to say, after four years?”
My heart felt like it was crumbling to pieces.
“I don’t know, Lindsey,” I choked out at her. “I don’t know what happened.”
I lied. I lied because it hurt. It hurt too much to admit.
“You do know!” Lindsey’s voice raised, “…you just don’t want to admit it.”
I watched tears stream down her face.
“When we got married, we spoke about how perfect we were on paper. Everyone would be happy, we’d be happy. We’d make money, we’d have a family,” I told her, “…we planned this. You knew I didn’t feel as strongly about you. I told you I was worried that I couldn’t give you everything you wanted. You said it didn’t matter. Lindsey.”
“…but you have, or you did,” Lindsey huffed, “…Everything was working. We’ve been comfortable, loving, working this whole time. I was fine, you were fine. Our parents were happy.”
“You were the one who said it didn’t matter if things were never…what we expected, between us.” I reminded her.
“I just thought…” Lindsey choked out, “…maybe things had changed. It’s been four years, Rose. I love you.”
Tears dripped down my cheeks.
“I love you,” I told her, “…but I’m not in love with you. I’ve never been.” She knew this. I knew this. I could see in her eyes that my words about not being in love with her weren’t nearly as important as the idea of things simply not working out. The thought that she would be left alone was all that mattered, wasn't it?
“What’s changed Rose?” she asked, “…why does it matter now that it’s ‘comfortable’ and… ‘good on p-paper?’”
We both agreed to the marriage, to love each other in the way we could - but how could I have known I would be the one it wasn’t enough for?
I sucked in a shaky breath.
“I have feelings for someone.”