32. Ledger
Ledger
There are too many variables. Things are about to get worse before they get better, and because of her proximity to Grey.
I can’t let anything happen to her. I wouldn’t be doing my job if I let him get to her, but it’s more than my job title.
It’s because of how I feel for her — my wife.
She can’t get hurt again, not with me standing in front of her. I won’t let it happen.
I close the chasm between us, and her jaw ticks as I cup her face in my palm, dragging my thumb over her lips, and she relaxes into my hand.
Shiloh is multifaceted. She’s uncooperative and temperamental. I love all of her sides, but my favorite is when I touch her. She always softens for me.
It undoes something in me.
“I love you, that’s why.”
Her lips part and her eyes widen in shock.
I cup her other cheek and press a gentle kiss to the corner of her mouth.
Her pulse beats fiercely beneath my touch, and she hasn’t moved an inch.
It was not my intention to tell her how I feel today. But I told myself when it felt right, I would do it. It felt like the only way to get her to see.
“I’m not doing this out of obligation, or because it’s right.
I’m not saying that in an attempt to manipulate you into doing what I so desperately want you to do.
But I’m telling you because I can’t lose you.
You can’t get hurt because I didn’t do my job as your husband to protect you because I love you. ”
Her eyes glitter, and her cheeks turn pink, and I’m not sure if I broke her or she’s still processing.
I drop my hands giving her a second. She licks her lips and blinks, a tear slides down her face. I wipe it away not sure if those are happy or sad tears.
“You can’t,” she rasps.
I huff. “Why can’t I?”
“I’m no good for you,” she whispers.
Rolling my eyes, I take her hand and kiss her knuckles. It’s become an obsession of mine.
“Last time I checked, you don’t get to tell me whether I get to love you. I didn’t say it because I expect something back. I said it because I wanted to, and I wouldn’t have if I didn’t mean it.”
She blinks and her eyes glitter with unshed tears and it rips something apart in me.
“I really don’t like you right now,” she rasps.
“Well, you’re already married to me,” I mumble.
“I’m aware,” she says, swiping at her cheeks.
“I still love you, Shiloh.”
She takes a deep breath. “That was your first mistake,” she rasps, and disappears down the hall.
That didn’t go as I hoped it would. She might need time to accept this. Everything has happened quickly between us. For me, it’s not a question or a debate. I already decided. There’s no going back for me. But I recognize it may not be that simple for her.
I want to hide her at home, on the ranch, maybe even here, but she’s not going to let me. I understand why, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right choice either.
I push myself as hard as I can on the treadmill.
Maybe I’m running from my frustrations, or the fact that Shiloh said I can’t love her because she’s no good for me.
Or the fact I’m constantly nervous about Grey getting to her, yet we haven’t heard a peep from him, and everything is almost coordinated with the DEA to take the Kensingtons down.
Suffice to say, our date last night did not go well. I suppose that’s what I get. I’m not known for being romantic, but Shiloh brings a lot of things out of me. I thought maybe she could feel the same way. When we’re together, it comes across that way, but maybe I was wrong.
After I beat myself up with weights and running further than I normally do, I hit the showers and get into the office. Everything we’ve been working for starts today.
I beat the day shift in because it’s just now five in the morning. I wasn’t concerned about waking up, Shiloh because she didn’t sleep with me last night. My heart twists in my chest, and I rub the twinge.
I still have an hour until Shiloh needs to be at the diner. It doesn’t matter that I’m frustrated with her and everyone else. I told her I wanted to take her to work and pick her up and I will regardless of my feelings, or hers. I keep my word.
Grabbing a cup of coffee from the pot I’m pretty sure they brewed last night I take a sip of the jet fuel and get to work. Setting up this sting doesn’t require mountains of paperwork now. We’re trying to keep the chain of communication as tight as possible and that also means nothing written down.
I’m a little paranoid about all of it. My people are loyal and trustworthy.
That’s not the issue. It’s more like this is a small town, and if someone accidentally slips, just a little, it could get back to the Kensingtons, put Will in even more danger, and then all of this will be for nothing.
More people will die from drug abuse and God knows what else.
I’m tired of this in my town, and it’s time to cut out the rot.
While I wait for my DEA contact, I handle other paperwork that has to be done, like checking schedules and payroll, on top of overtime. By the time I’m finished, it’s time to go get Shiloh.
It takes me five minutes to get home and I open the garage only her Jeep isn’t in there.
Groaning, I walk into the house and find Dozer in his kennel.
I grab his water bowl and some treats and carry him in his kennel to the truck.
Looks like he’ll be with me for the day.
He’s a pup and shouldn’t be left alone all day.
I’m sure Shy was banking on me coming back to get her only to find the dog.
The joke is on her because I’m going straight to the diner and ignoring the major responsibilities I have today.
When I pull up to the side of the street, I get Dozer on a leash, let him pee in the grass and walk into the diner.
Sure enough, Shiloh is pouring Mr. and Mrs. Crenshaw some coffee and astutely ignoring me.
Stooping down to pick the dog up, I wait for her to meet my eyes, and when she finally does. I can’t read them.
She seems both sad and angry and I don’t know what to do with that.
She frowns at the dog and I tilt my head, waiting for her. She’s so stubborn we’ll stand here in a stare off for hours before she gives in.
“Shy,” I rumble.
She huffs and says something to Mollie-Mae, and starts for the front door. I hold it open for her with Dozer still tucked under my arm and follow her out.
Setting the dog down I hold on to the leash while he sniffs the ground.
“What do you want?” she snaps.
I can’t be mad at her. Irritated? Yes. Annoyed? The same thing, but still, yes. Even if I wanted to be upset with her, I can’t.
“Baby, don’t do this,” I rasp.
She huffs and crosses her arms.
I still love that diner dress on her.
“Stop looking at me like that,” she spits.
My eyes finally reaches hers again. “Why didn't you wait for me to come get you?”
“Because I’m a grown woman and I can drive myself to work.”
“But I told you why that’s not the best idea right now,” I say gently.
She bites her lower lip looking away from me. Dozer comes to her ankle sniffing on her and lifts his little body up onto her calf.
Shiloh rolls her eyes and drops down to give the dog attention. “I’m sorry I left you, but I knew your daddy would be there to get you.”
I smile and rub my mustache to cover it.
While she’s focused on the dog I look around town. It’s quiet, per usual. But my gut has been in knots all morning and it’s either because of what starts today or something else is coming. It all has me on edge.
“Shiloh,” I rasp.
She picks up Dozer and nuzzles her nose into his neck.
I wish she was doing that to me.
“I know we’re … I don’t know what’s going on to be completely honest, but I’m begging you to listen to me this one time.”
She looks around the open street, a few people walk down the other side of the sidewalk.
“Fine, I’ll call you before I leave. How’s that?” she asks.
I huff and slip my hands in my pockets. “You’ll call me before you leave and wait for me to get here so I can escort you home. If I can’t I will send an officer.”
She tilts her head back and groans while the dog wiggles in her arms.
“Why are you so annoying?” she asks blinking rapidly. I know that tick.
I grab the back of her head gently righting it so I can look her in the eye.
“Because I love you Shy. That’s why.”
She rolls her eyes refusing to meet mine.
“Fine,” she says and shoves the dog into my arms.
“Have a wonderful day, honey.”
She purses her lips and flings the door open, stomping back into the diner.
After all of this is over we’re going to have some things to talk about. But I love that woman, fire and all. Hopefully one day she’ll see it too.
Getting back to the station with Dozer in tow. I put his kennel in my office and let him out to get a drink.
“Is that a puppy!” Daisy squeals, bringing me a fresh cup of coffee.
“Yeah, he was a stray. We rescued him.”
“So he’s not a new police dog?” she asks.
“No, Daisy,” I sigh.
“Can I?”
I nod. “Sure, and take him out in an hour or so so he doesn’t pee all over the carpet.”
“Okay!” Daisy says, playing with him.
He gnaws on her finger and lifts his little paw on her hand.
“Daisy, I have work to do. Can you take him?” I ask her.
She nods and grabs him scurrying out of my office.
Luke comes in and closes the door. “Are we ready?” he asks.
“Yeah, I think so. We’re waiting for him to show up, hopefully he followed my instructions, or we’re sunk,” I mutter.
I’ve been speaking to the DEA about how they have to come into Paxton because if they come in with all their labeled SUVs and DEA jackets, it will tip off the Kensingtons.
Gossip is enemy number one in this town, and it would get back to them and everyone else in this town, and we’ll fumble the biggest case this town has ever seen.
There still is no sign of Grey. I’ve had patrols going over to his side of town.
All his normal haunts and I’ve even had them drive by his supposed friends.
But no one has seen a thing, and if his people know where he is, they certainly aren’t going to tell us. Grey is a loose thread I need to snip.