34. Shiloh
Shiloh
I’m glad it’s dark because he can’t see the tears brimming in my eyes. But I have to do this. Today shook me, and it gives me even more reason to pack up and leave.
Protect him because I love him.
“I’m not ready to say it,” I whisper.
“I never asked you to,” he rumbles as if it physically hurt him to say the words.
The dinner I barely ate feels like it’s about to come up. I’m doing this for him. Only I’m a gutless, selfish bitch, and I can’t get myself to divorce him sooner rather than later, so I’m going to do the next best thing, and force the space between us. I don’t see any other option.
It’s been a while, and Grey is in the wind.
Ledger is concerned about what Grey might do to me, but I’ve convinced myself that he’s never coming back, and I can finally move on. I can take the next step I had always planned on taking, even though it hurts to do it. But I think it’s the right thing — for both of us.
“We need to talk,” I whisper.
He huffs. “I’ve been trying to do that all day, and you choose now to do it?”
I palm his cheek, encouraging him to look at me, and he does, albeit reluctantly.
“I think it’s time for me to move out,” I whisper.
His jaw twitches. “Why in the world would you want to do that? You can stay here as long as you need to.”
I shouldn’t be surprised. The man will do right by me even if it hurts him. He would still allow me to live in his house and never touch me again if he thought it was what I wanted.
I want the opposite.
But it’s my turn to do right by him.
“When I moved in and married you, I promised myself I would do this thing on my own. I’ve never lived on my own, not that I need to, but for me, I want to know that I can. I went from living with Dad to Grey, now you. I want to try.”
“Shy, you can do anything you put your mind to,” he whispers.
“Thank you,” I rasp. Why does this hurt so much?
“Where are you going?” he asks.
“I found an apartment in town.”
“I’m surprised there was one.”
I nod and fiddle with my fingers. “I am too, but I got lucky.”
“Do they allow animals?” he asks.
I shake my head and push some of his hair back. “No.”
“Okay. But — I know you’re going to do what you want—I don’t think it’s safe for you to be on your own. Not now, not like this.”
I smile sadly and kiss his forehead.
“It’s been quiet, and I refuse to let him control my life without even being here.”
“I don’t like it, but I understand,” he rasps.
I want to kiss him, make him feel better, even though I’m the one hurting him.
I want to feel his hands on my body so badly.
The depth, the intensity of his love scares me.
I know I’m not right for him. He wasn’t supposed to love me.
He wasn’t supposed to be the man to save me from myself and pick me up when I couldn’t get up on my own.
He wasn’t supposed to piece my broken back together. But he did.
The moment I saw that ring on his finger was a bullet to my heart. I’ve had mine on the whole time. I liked wearing it, and the thought — even fake — of belonging to someone felt good.
But I could feel myself falling, and I let it happen. The last thing I expected was to fall so quickly or as hard.
He picked my heart up off the floor, brushed off the dirt, and fixed it up. He gave me the safety I didn’t know I craved.
But I have to do this. There is no other choice.
“So we’re done,” he says, as if it’s a statement. He wants me to rip the Band-Aid off and put him out of his misery.
“I think it would be best if we … go back to being friends,” I rasp, my throat filling with gravel.
He frowns, searching my eyes.
“I don’t understand. Why the change? What did I do?”
I shift closer to him on the bed and press my mouth to the corner of his. “You didn’t do anything, Ledger.”
“How long have you felt like this? Haven’t I given you every reason to trust me? You can tell me anything.”
My stomach drops, and I take a shaky breath. I want to tell him. The words feel like they’re about to punch out of my throat. But until he gets Grey, I can’t say a word. If I could say just that, it would all make more sense. But I can’t.
I’m stuck between the rock of my past and a hard place of telling the man I love I don’t want to leave. I want to stay with him forever. But it’s not that simple. Life never is.
Putting space between us may send a silent message to the Kensingtons to leave Ledger alone, and I have to take that chance. What I told him isn’t much, and it won’t get him far. But it was enough to distract him.
“I didn’t know how to tell you how I was feeling,” I croak.
He sighs heavily. “I’m not here to keep you from what you want. I’m here to support you and encourage you. I lo —” he cuts himself off, snapping his mouth closed.
“I need to know I can do this on my own,” I whisper.
And I need to get my head straight because you have me spinning in circles.
A lot of things scare me, but falling for you as quickly as I have scares me the most. I need to be able to trust myself again, and in order for me to accomplish that, I have to have the space to do it.
The space to think will help both of us in the long run.
Then you’ll finally see that we don’t belong together, and maybe I’ll be able to let go.
“This is it?” he asks.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“You want to live on your own, and you want to be … friends.”
“If you’re okay with that.” My eyes burn and I want to burst into tears, but I hold it back. He’ll know there’s more to it if I do.
“To be clear, I don’t want you to go, friends or not. But I respect it, and I’ll live with it,” he says.
My heart leaps into my throat. I don’t really want to go either.
I huff. “Thank you.”
“Will you stay here tonight? One last time?” he asks.
I kiss him again, and this time he grabs the back of my head, claiming me as if we haven’t seen each other for years. I moan into his mouth and he growls, nipping my lip.
“Yes, I’ll stay.”
He wraps me in his arms, and I rest my head on his chest, listening to his heart.
When he holds me, it feels like everything will be okay. I desperately want it to be, and it’s because I love him that I have to do this.
I don’t think either of us slept a wink.
On my way to the diner, I keep checking in my rearview mirror, and Ledger is right behind me. Every breath I take feels like my heart cracks and fractures a little more.
He smiled at me. He said, good morning. He made me a cup of coffee, as if I hadn’t rejected him last night. Then he told me he would help me move to my new apartment when I was ready.
Which only serves to prove my point.
My husband is too good for me. He always will be.
I pull into my parking spot, and he stops behind me, waiting for me to get my things.
I can feel his eyes on me the entire time I walk up the sidewalk into the diner.
Right before I walk in, he waves to me, and I wave back.
But instead of something sweet, it feels like I tied myself to a bowling ball and tossed it into a freezing mountain lake.
After my shift is over I call Ledger, wait for him to get here, and follow me home.When I pull into the garage, he waves to me and drives off, back to the station.
I don’t have long to get my things together, but luckily I never had much to begin with.