Chapter 33
Parents, send your kids out of the room.
CELEbrITY STRAIGHT TALK , DECEMBER 3
AMIL: Have you seen the interviews from the promo tour for Hashtag Celebrity Crush ? Talk about painful.
ISLA: Seriously, it’s like they want us to hate them. Do they want us to hate them? Are they Gordon Ramsay?
AMIL: Hidey ho! This is Amil Nair, host of Celebrity Straight Talk . And this is my cohost, Isla Wallace.
ISLA: Hi-la, it’s Isla!
AMIL: So, let’s talk some more about how cringey it was to watch Jason Connor and Emmy Ellison talk about this movie. Yikes!
ISLA: Mmm, so true, Amil. Looking at Jason Connor, you’d think it was a zombie flick, not a rom-com. He looks half-dead!
AMIL: Well, in his defense, dealing with a pregnant Margarita Ayala would suck the life out of any man. She’s not always such a sweetheart.
ISLA: Mee- yow !
AMIL: I’m just sayin’. It might not even be his baby.
ISLA: Poor Jason. Someone should take him home.
AMIL: Nurse him.
ISLA: And feed him.
AMIL: He doesn’t need anyone to feed him, Isla. He’s starting to pork out.
ISLA: Probably eating carbs.
AMIL: He needs someone to make him some kale chips.
ISLA: I make a mean kale chip.
AMIL: I’m sure your kale chips are the meanest, Isla.
ISLA: [ laughs ]
AMIL: [ laughs ]
ISLA: No, seriously, Amil. You know who’d probably like to do that is Emmy Ellison.
AMIL: Oh, pancakes! Are we talking about her now? Parents, send your kids out of the room. They shouldn’t have to hear this.
ISLA: Her interviews could be summed up in one word: pitiful.
AMIL: Actually, I’d go with “sappy.”
ISLA: Did she even speak words or did she open her mouth and just exude pure wretchedness?
AMIL: I used to like her, Isla.
ISLA: Me too.
AMIL: Now she’s pathetic.
ISLA: Amil, I heard that, with the way these two are torpedoing their personal lives, several premiere events around the country have been canceled already. They may even scrap the red carpet here in LA and throw the film out to the public on December fifteenth.
AMIL: How horrible, Isla! A Jason Connor and Margarita Ayala film treated like some B movie.
ISLA: I bet that wasn’t part of Miss Emmy Ellison’s plan when she went all sexy librarian on Jason.
AMIL: But, Isla, she still denies having anything to do with the photos.
ISLA: Nobody believes her, Amil.
AMIL: Why not?
ISLA: Do you believe her?
AMIL: No.
ISLA: Me neither. It was a genius move for book sales.
AMIL: Yeah, but when it comes to Jason, she shot herself in the footnote.
ISLA: Hashtag ouch!
AMIL: Hashtag medic!
ISLA: Hashtag too bad, Emmy.
AMIL: At least you got your fifteen minutes of fame.
ISLA: And we just gave you, like, three more.
AMIL: Hashtag you’re welcome! [ laughs ]
ISLA: [ laughs ]