CHAPTER 20
Kennedy
Kennedy hadn’t said that out loud to anyone before; not in those exact words, anyway.
Now, she was telling a practical stranger that she and Cameron might not last much longer as a couple.
It was totally unlike her. She’d spent decades cultivating the kind of image that told reporters and anyone else that if they asked her a personal question about her love life, she’d either sidestep it with grace and practiced ease or give them a sound bite on her terms. In other words, they could try, but she’d only give them what she wanted to give them, and over the years, she had gotten really good at keeping her secrets.
She’d also gotten really good at keeping her own company, which was why she hadn’t had many serious girlfriends prior to Cameron, despite being in her early thirties when they met.
She had never been one to tell people much, and these days, that included Cameron.
It hadn’t always included her, and Cameron hadn’t necessarily done anything to deserve her slowly shutting down on her, but Kennedy had.
Now, they were here, and Kennedy wasn’t sure if they were going anywhere else good.
“Hey, how did you come out?”
“Huh?” Kennedy asked.
“Well, I don’t think I know the story. I guess I looked up a few articles about both of you when I realized that I was coming here – mostly because I wanted to have things to talk about outside of candy-making and shop ownership.” River chuckled. “But I only saw a few things that mentioned that.”
“It was a long time ago, so old news.”
“Isn’t that good for you? If that’s old news, your fight with Cameron will soon be, too.”
She bumped Kennedy’s shoulder slightly, making her smile a tight smile.
“It took a long time for that to be old news. I answered questions about it regularly until I was in my late twenties, so I’m not sure that that should be your litmus test, but thank you for trying.”
“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it.”
“No, it’s fine. I don’t mind. It wasn’t how I wanted to do it, exactly, but it happened, and I’ve moved on, so there’s that, I guess. Basically, I was nineteen, and I’d just decided to take some time off from work to go to school.”
“I thought you were on a TV show.”
“I was. It was an ensemble show, though. Yes, as I got older, they started to shift me more into a lead role, but at first, I was just one of the teenagers. Anyway, we’d wrapped a season, and I’d already talked to the producers about lessening my role because I wanted to go to college.
I had this plan to go part-time and take three classes a semester while I was working.
I could’ve done it if I only needed to be on set one to two days a week, which was what they’d agreed to.
I hadn’t signed my new contract yet when I’d gone to the campus for a visit and to make my schedule with a counselor.
They recommended that because of who I was and had someone show me around everywhere.
It was fun. She was very nice. We had lunch.
Then, we had dinner. She showed me her dorm room, and she was twenty-one, a resident advisor with her own room. I liked her, and I was stupid.”
“Oh,” River said.
“Didn’t see the story going that way, did you?”
“No, I can’t say that I did.”
Kennedy looked down at the towel and said, “Anyway, the morning after, I went home with her number, thinking we’d go on a date.
She wasn’t my first, if that’s what you’re wondering.
I’d been with one other girl before that.
She had worked on the show. For her, it had been something to do, but for me, it had been life-affirming.
I’d never even kissed a boy before. I mean, where would I find them?
I was always on set or with tutors from the age I would maybe even be interested in kissing boys, but then that interest never came, and I thought I was interested in kissing girls instead. ”
“I understand that,” River said.
Kennedy laughed quietly and continued, “When I called her number, she didn’t answer, so I left a message.
I thought everything was okay, but then, it wasn’t.
The show decided that they couldn’t let me sign that new contract after all, and they actually wanted to increase my role.
Zane was so happy for me because it meant they saw me as a leading lady, but I’d wanted some time off and to go to school.
Then, I found out that the girl I liked and had slept with, thinking we could maybe be something more than just a casual hookup, told her friends about us.
One of those friends talked to someone else, and that’s all it takes for people like me and Cam.
Suddenly, there were people gossiping, articles popping up, and people asking me questions wherever I went, until I just decided to tell them.
I had this idea that if I came out as gay, the studio wouldn’t like that, and maybe they’d give me what I wanted.
It would’ve been a great compromise. They’d slowly be able to get rid of me without firing me, and they could say the new contract was my choice because it was.
I’d get to remain on the show I’d liked working on and go to school at the same time. They disagreed.”
“They tried to fire you?”
“No, they were trying to capitalize on it. This was before things were how they are now. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still not enough, and sometimes, there’s no good representation of people like you and me on TV, but back then, those stories about girls who were seemingly straight, experimented a little, and then went back to the boyfriends they’d been written to be soulmates with were all the rage.
My character had one of those soulmates, so they wanted her to experiment a bit and go back to him.
I didn’t want that, but I was under a new contract, and I wasn’t in charge, so that’s what I did. ”
“You didn’t go to school?”
Kennedy shook her head and said, “No. When I thought about it more, the idea of spending time on a college campus where people would be staring at me, especially after coming out, and not really being able to trust anyone, didn’t sound all that appealing.
Later, I thought I might go online, but I never did.
Before you suggest I do that now, though, since I’m not working, it’s a non-starter.
” She sighed. “That time in my life has passed. I’m good now.
I think I just wanted to experience something normal in my life more than I really wanted to go to school.
It wasn’t about learning necessarily. It was about spending time with people my own age, going to parties with them, having to study something that wasn’t a script to learn my lines, or working on a group project. ”
“Oh, working on group projects sucks. You didn’t miss out on anything.”
Kennedy looked over at River and asked, “Yeah? Had a lot of those in pastry school?”
River laughed and replied, “Yeah. But now that I think about it, you probably would’ve been just fine with group projects.”
“Why do you say that?” she asked, very interested.
“Well, you’re type A, clearly.”
“What?” Kennedy laughed loudly.
“Oh, come on. You know it’s true. You like things just so. So do I, if it makes you feel any better.”
“I suppose that’s fairly… accurate.”
“So, you would’ve been the leader, taking control. You would’ve dished out assignments, pestered everyone to make sure they got done on time, and if they didn’t, you would’ve unleashed unholy hell on them until they did.”
Kennedy laughed louder and asked, “I wouldn’t have just done it for them, like most people do in group projects?”
“No way. I can’t see you doing that. You would’ve made them get it done to teach them responsibility or something.”
“That does sound like me,” she agreed. “What about you and group projects? Which role do you play?”
“Similar but not the same. There was a time when we had to work in groups of three on this chocolate thing. One of the people in my group could not temper chocolate worth a damn. She kept letting it burn, which was driving me nuts. I suggested she tackle another part, and I’d work on that.
She agreed. I got the chocolate just right, and we finished. ”
“So you’re type A, but on the spectrum? You’d put me all the way at one end and yourself a little bit down?” Kennedy teased.
“I have my own type-A ways; trust me. They drive Lacey crazy.”
“Like what?”
“Well, I load the dishwasher a certain way. I don’t run it until the dishes are in the right place for me.”
“Go on.”
“Well, you already know I don’t like to hang things on the shower because it drips.
I wake up early every day, for the most part, and when I’m up, I’m up.
I like to start my workdays the same way every day if I can, which isn’t always possible with Lace because she’s not one for routine unless it’s with work.
She might want me to… you know.” River cleared her throat.
“And then go to work, or she might want me to stay there instead of at my place, which is fine; it’s just not my routine.
I like to control everything in my shop, too. ”
“You have a business partner. How does that work?”
“Oh, Calista is more the money than an active partner. She’s my best friend and a full-time writer.
She helped me secure the small business loan I needed and made it a lot smaller for me, but she only owns fifteen percent.
The plan was for me to pay the loan off and then buy her out when I can afford it.
She stops by mostly to help when I need her and leaves all the decisions to me, which is how I like it. ”
“Well, it’s your dream, so I get it.”
Kennedy looked down then and saw River’s hand resting between them on the towel. She was sure it was there for no other reason than that was where it landed, but it made her feel like a teenager who hoped that if she set her hand next to it, River would take it.
“How did you come out?” she asked instead of doing something very inappropriate.
“Oh, I just did,” River said, shrugging a shoulder.
“I was never really in all that well to begin with. I was a tomboy who hated wearing dresses, and while that doesn’t mean you’re gay, I pretty much knew from birth, so I’m sure I just exuded it.
I had my first girlfriend in high school.
I introduced her to my parents one day, and that was that; I was out.
We talked about it later, obviously, and I confirmed it, but it was easy as far as coming outs go.
I wasn’t out or in at school – I was just me.
But even when I was me with a girlfriend, I wasn’t a big fan of PDA in school, so we mainly kept it to ourselves.
Then, it ended, and I grew more and more comfortable with who I was and what I wanted in a person.
” River turned her head to Kennedy and added, “Hey, you told me how you came out to the world, but not your family.”
“Oh, I guess I do that.”
“Do what?”
“Assume people are asking me questions about that and not the other side of it. If you’re me, coming out has always meant coming out to the world, not to the people who actually knew me.
After the rumors started, I told my parents, and they weren’t thrilled.
My mom was worse than my dad, but that wasn’t about her being a mom, really. It was about–”
“Your career,” River guessed.
“Yes,” Kennedy confirmed. “She worried I wouldn’t get parts.
And she was right for a minute: I didn’t get film offers for a couple of years after that.
But I was on the show, and it was fine, so eventually, things settled down.
They’re fine with it now. Cam’s the first girlfriend they’ve met, though.
It took me a while to feel comfortable bringing a woman home, and I still worried my mom would say or do something to make them feel like they might not be right for me, and by that, she would mean they weren’t right for my career, not me.
With Cam, I wasn’t worried about that. We met when she was on the rise, so to speak, and I knew my mom would be charmed by her, so I introduced them.
My mom asked when we were getting married that very day. ”
“Damn.”
“Yeah…”
“Why haven’t you? I mean, I know why you’re not proposing now, and it’s your business, but it’s been five years. Do you two not want that?”
“That’s a question, isn’t it? We both want to get married.
I thought I’d ask. I really thought I’d ask quickly.
I felt like right away I was going to marry her, so why wait?
It took us time to move in together because of work, and I thought I should ask then because I wanted to marry her, but then, I didn’t ask, and neither did she, and we started getting to the hard parts: the fights and the wondering if we should get married at all. ”
“I felt the same with Lacey,” River shared.
“But it’s not there anymore, that feeling like I want to take all those steps with her fast so that we can get to the part where we’re married and happy in some house we own with a dog or a cat or maybe both because we don’t want kids.
I felt that way for months, but then, I thought I should enjoy the time we have in the phases because there’s no rush to a finish line in a relationship.
When she asked me to move in, I–” River shook her head.
“I was glad. I was really glad that I hadn’t moved fast because I probably would’ve proposed already.
We could’ve been planning a wedding right now, and that thought scares the crap out of me.
Lacey is amazing. I do love her. It’s just that I… I know I don’t want to marry her.”
“Can we just stay out here forever and, like, not move at all?” Kennedy asked. “Let the whole world pass us by and avoid dealing with everything that’s bothering us?”
River nodded and said, “That sounds really good right about now, actually.”