Chapter 35
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
I thought I knew what heartbreak was.
At eighteen, I thought leaving Davis and breaking off our engagement was the epitome of despair, and after I didn’t feel much pain when I broke up with Jace, that was still what I thought.
I thought I had survived the worst a person could go through, and I made it out on the other side still willing to open myself up to love.
I was wrong.
Turns out, having the right someone for a blip in time, and having to let them go before I even got the chance to fully let myself love them, is worse. Seeing him everyday, and actively avoiding him so I can convince both of us we’re better off apart, hurts more than anything else I’ve experienced.
Sitting on my couch on a Wednesday evening instead of going to pottery class with him is more difficult than studying for the ACE CPT Exam. I have a random movie on in the background, but the screen could be blank for the amount of attention I’m paying to it.
Last week was even more of a challenge. I could barely focus at yoga, and skipping pottery when we were about to glaze our mugs made me remember how excited he was when we finally got the handle to be what we wanted.
We never decided what color we were going to do, and we probably never will.
It would’ve looked nice if it matched the trinket dish and the bowl from our other classes…
For all I know, that project will be forever unfinished.
A sad, apt metaphor for our relationship.
I’ve been trying to finish this tragic, plain salad for almost thirty minutes with no luck.
I know I need to eat, but I’m finding it hard to do so when my stomach is in knots over missing Ezra.
There’s a gaping hole in my heart, and though I tell myself it’s because my schedule’s been so thoroughly interrupted, I know deep down that’s not the truth.
With a resigned sigh, I shove to my feet and dump the salad in the trash before washing and rinsing the bowl and fork I was using. As I contemplate if five-thirty is too early to go to bed, there’s a knock at the door.
My silly flutter of hope is dashed when Dakota and her kids are on the other side, holding bags of food from Blakely’s favorite burger place.
Blakely blinks at me with her big brown eyes that look exactly like her mom’s, signing hello to me before rushing to the counter and sitting at one of the stools. Food please, she signs.
Dakota chuckles, taking the bag to the counter and unloading all the goodies as Ace wraps his arms around my legs in a hug.
“Hey buddy, what’s up?”
“Mommy said you were sad, so we brought you dinner to make you feel better. She said no ice cream for me, though, because I had two cupcakes at school for Justice’s birthday. They were vanilla with chocolate frosting.”
“Oh, well that’s sweet of you. Probably a good idea to skip the ice cream so you don’t get a tummy ache, huh?”
“Yep. Sutton? I’m sorry you’re sad.”
Tears start to make my nose tingle at the sincerity in this little boy’s voice. “Me too.”
“Ace, come eat your food, please. You too, S.”
“Yes ma’am.”
Since I only have two bar stools, Dakota and I stand at the counter and eat our burgers and fries while Blakely and Ace sit on the stools. Ace talks a mile a minute about school, his friends, and these books he’s reading about dragons training to protect their magical stone.
One thought trails into another one between bites of his fries, and a wave of guilt washes over me when I realize how little time I’ve spent with them since I moved here.
I missed them so much, but I’ve been so focused on my job, and then Ezra.
My priorities need to realign now that I’ve got the time.
“I want to play a sport, but Mommy says we don’t have time right now,” Ace says around a mouthful of burger.
Blakely watches him, furrowing her brows when she can’t read his lips. She waves to get his attention. Sign, please.
Ace apologizes, then repeats what he said to his mom in sign language so Blakely can be part of the conversation.
“I’m sorry babe, but Daddy and I work, and I don’t want to take Blakely with me and have to keep her still while you play.”
“I know,” he mumbles.
“Hey, Ko, can I talk to you in my room for a minute?”
My best friend eyes me warily, but nods. “We’ll be right back, please stay at the counter until we’re back so I can wash you. We don’t want to get grease all over Auntie Sutton’s pretty green couch.”
“Okay, Mommy.”
Blakely signs her agreement, happily munching on her burger.
When we get to the bedroom, she pulls me into a hug. I didn’t realize how much I needed one until now, how much I was missing physical touch. For the first time in what feels like forever, my shoulders relax. “Are you okay, S?”
“I’m fine,” I croak.
“You kind of look like shit, babe. How are you, really?”
I didn’t bring her in here to talk about me or my issues. I called her the night Jace ruined everything, and vented while I sobbed over the end of mine and Ezra’s non-existent relationship.
“I don’t want to talk about me. Remember how I said I have a solution for Ace’s desire to play a sport?” Her lips tip into a concerned frown as she nods. “The gala in a few weeks doubles as a fundraiser to help fund The Knight’s summer camp.”
“I don’t know if I want him to play rugby, S. I’ve heard the horror stories you’ve told me… I don’t want him to get hurt.”
“Their program for kids under ten is flag-rugby. More focused on honing skills, and learning teamwork, than tackling or anything violent. It’s a half-day camp, Tuesday through Thursday all of July.”
“I’ll talk to Parker and see if he’d be willing to pick him up or drop him off, but how much would it be?”
“That’s the best part. It would be free, and I can take him if you want, since I’ll be there anyway, and I can bring him home on my lunch break.”
“How is it free? You know I don’t want you paying for something like that.”
“I know.” Even though I hate how independent she can be sometimes.
I wish she’d let me spoil her kids. “Kids Connection, the foundation partnering with the team, is throwing the gala to help raise funds for their scholarship program. Ace is the perfect candidate, and with my connection to the team, he’ll have an even better chance. ”
“I don’t know… I know you’re busy.”
“I’m not too busy to help you, Ko. Besides, that’s the off season, so I won’t be as busy as when the season is in full swing. This would be good for him, and you. Plus, I haven’t been a very good friend, or godmother the past few months. Let me help, please?”
“Stop it. You’ve been an amazing friend, and godmother. We all have our own lives. Let’s see if he’s even interested in rugby, then I’ll talk to Parker and get back to you, okay?”
The first genuine smile I’ve had in I don’t know how long spreads across my face at the glimmer of hope in her eyes. “Okay.”
When we walk back out into the kitchen, both kids have finished their food, and Blakely is looking around at the decor as she sips on her juice box. When she sees us, she sets it down and excitedly starts signing.
Look at all the princess movies Sutton has! Can we watch a movie before we go home?
“Sorry Blakes, but Ace has school tomorrow. Maybe we can come back another day.”
Blakely’s face falls. Okay.
I wave to get her attention, signing as I talk. “We can have a movie night soon, I promise.”
That perks her up and she beams.
“Ace, how would you feel about playing rugby?” I ask as Dakota and I work together to gather trash.
“Like the team you work for? Would I be on the team?”
“No,” I chuckle. “But the team has a summer camp and they’d teach you how to play. What do you think? Would you like that?”
“Yes! But… Mommy said she can’t bring Blakely, and Daddy works during the day. How would I get there?”
“I would take you and pick you up. Is that okay?”
Ace nods rapidly as Blakely stomps her foot. I want to come too.
“We’ll have a special day just for us soon, okay? It looks like it’s almost bed time, though, so we’ll talk more about this another time.”
With hugs goodbye, I listen as Ace asks Dakota a million questions as they make their way to the elevator.
The silence surrounding me while I stand in my kitchen, reminds me I’m alone again and has my mind drifting back to a man with blue eyes and a heart of gold.
I miss him. So much.
I fucking hate this.